Raya, Combined With Confusion

It's been 2 months since I've updated this story, I haven't had anything to say since I've got everything going on just great, not as well as I'd planned it earlier, but still it's good enough to be happy with what I have.
And I just noticed that I've written more than 13 thousand words about one girl, it's really awkward and embarrassing, I don't know why I feel like it's going to go right after a while.
I just hung up with Raya, it's 1:28 am and we were talking; she kind of got pissed off when I asked her "are we going to stay like this forever?" and didn't really give a proper answer. It's okay I guess, she just doesn't feel like we're going to be lovers forever since we aren't at the moment anyway, so it's fine with me.

She's not hung up on the old ex she used to tell me about anymore, currently she's telling me about her newer one. I guess I kinda have to stick around while she has her life all in front of her, goes out with anyone she wants and when she's unhappy or sad, she knows she can trust me to lift her up.
When I told her that that's how I am to her, she said no, she said it's not like that, she likes talking to me and she loves listening to my opinions about some stuff, she feels like I'm really a best friend of hers, and I get I've been friendzoned way before I even thought about it, and I can't leave this friend zone anymore, but I guess it's fine with me, the way our friendship is going and just having her by my side at all times would actually make me happy all the time.
She keeps asking me what to do and that she's upset, bored or just wants to change and wants me to tell her what to do.
This has been on for the past 2 months and although it's apparently not going to stay this way forever, it's still a good basis for a relationship I guess.

I'm just waiting for the end of this year, I've had something prepared for her and I'm pretty sure she's going to love it way too much that she's probably going to cry and tell me that she loves me so much.
We had made a bet, that whoever says "I love you" to the other, before the end of this year, loses the bet and has to hand the other person a fair amount of money, I do think that I'm going to win since we've already promised each other that we'll never leave the other's side.
Believe it or not, although I'm taking my mind off her with drawing, trying to keep my mind busy and not really think about her all the time, what she's doing, with whom she is, what her plans for tomorrow are; I still can't take her off my mind, I always think of her, it's like a disease that's not that painful but really occupying and it hurts sometimes when she's not talking to me or telling me "hey fucker, what are you up to today?" and just calling me out of the blue telling me she's bored or something.
It's weird, I'm thinking about it going to end for no reason at all, but still it feels awful just to think about it...

I actually count the words she says and messages she sends me, go through our conversations, previous states of anger, love, lust and other conversations and I've actually had them starred in my phone, whenever I want to cheer up, whenever we have to stay away from each other, I just go on reading those messages between us.
She'd sent me 332 kissy-emojis along the time I've known her, in addition to 32 times saying she loves me, and 12 times saying she hates me.
I find pleasure in reading them and seeing our course of conversation to see what we've become and how idiotic we used to be.
I told one of my friends on Facebook about her today, she said "she's really lucky that she doesn't even know it".
I sometimes wonder, does Raya know she is? Does she want it? Does she want to let go? Is she ever going to?
I really do love her with all my heart, but it really hurts to stay on the sidewalk while she's dancing in the spotlight.
I feel like I'm going to lose her with each day passing by, and just the thought makes me really upset.

I need a fucking smoke.