Raya, Combined With Confusion

So, basically, we don't choose who we fall in love with and we really are gonna "UNDERSTAND" later on, and "life is going to show us" that this person is really not deserving of what you have to offer.

Sometimes, being in love can make you mental, can make you go insane and you just don't show people anything other than insanity.
Everyone tells you that you should quit, that you're changing and you're turning into a psycho due to your own experiences with this specific person you're trying to be with.
I'll just go into the subject and stop trying to avoid it.

Raya, the person I've been in love with for over a year and 3 months now.
I know everything about her and she knows nothing about me.
It's probably due to my own willingness to know everything about the person I love, but it turns out that I have misjudged my own selflessness and it turns out that TRYING to figure her out is annoying and she thinks that I butt in her life and she thinks that I'm trying to interfere with her life, simply because I wanted to know more and tried to figure out what she's going through when she's going through it.
I ask questions all the time, what happened with this guy? what have you done with this other guy?
Basically, curious as to where she is now, emotionally.
Turns out she doesn't want that, turns out she thinks of this as interfering and she doesn't like it; yet, she tells me that she trusts me and she cares way too much for me.
She put me through hell, and I still, in my stupidest of hours, call it "love".
She told me about all the guys she's been with and everyone she sees now and everything she tries to do WILLINGLY, yet she tells everyone around her that I'm butting in and I'm trying to get into her life and SHE'S NOT LETTING ME.

Basically, she tells them that I'm a psycho and a mentally challenged/sick guy, she tells them that I cry a lot and that I love her a lot..... yet, she talks to me as if nothing's wrong, she tells me that guys do cry sometimes and it's not a shame and she tells me that I'm the smartest guy she's ever been with.
I've made so many decisions, I made so many mistakes and I don't regret them and neither does she.
My decisions are way too stupid though, many people have told me to let go and I haven't, she herself has told me to let her go because she doesn't deserve my love, and I haven't. She said that I love her way too much that she can't handle it.
She tells her family not to talk to me anymore and that I'm not allowed to visit them anymore, yet she'd prefer to spend time with me and she tells me that she loves hanging out with me because she feels safe and she's her REAL person when she's around me.
If that's actually so, then why would you tell your friends that I'm insane, and that I irritate you with the way I cry and the way I'm sticking to your side even when you've broken my heart more times than ever.
Why would you fake everything in front of everyone, yet you cry to me when you need someone to hold your hand?

I do know you well enough, and I used to make up excuses for your behavior and the way you're treating me like shit and the way I can't handle you being away and all that.
But willing to listen to you, even when it hurts, doesn't make me clingy, it makes me understanding.
Willing to get to know you better by coming close to your closest friends, doesn't make me interfering and out of reason, it makes me actually trying to get a bit closer to you.
Willing to handle the pain you cause everyday for a whole year, then crying when it's just way too much to handle, when it's over the edge, doesn't make me a crybaby when all I can do is just listen and get hurt over and over again, it makes me bearing and makes me able to hold everything in.
My willing to stay in your life and make up excuses for you while you're out there doing your own thing, doesn't make me any less of a man that you can rely on and doesn't make me a baby, it should let you know that I would risk it all for your sake... it really is unmanly and really not preferable by girls huh? and I actually thought you were different.

Next time you're gonna tell me to leave, I wont object, I wont cling to you and I wont give you any more excuses than I already have.
Next time you tell me that I'm the best you've ever had, I'll tell you that I know.
Next time you tell me that you don't deserve my love, I wont tell you that you do and I wont tell you that I actually think you do, because I don't really know anymore.
Next time you try to fake a smile in my face, I'll know it.
I wont butt in your life anymore, I wont ask you what you're doing and what you're thinking of doing or how you're planning ahead your future, or even what you're talking to your friends about.
Next time we'll talk, it will be about me.
Next time you tell me that you love me, I'll try my best to make you hate me instantly, rather than give in to the words that I know would just make me want to handle more pain than anyone else you've ever met before.... and in the end, I'll be a psycho, a crybaby, not-a-man, you can't rely on him, a person who butts in your life, interfering and annoying.

I just really wished you'd say those things to my face, rather than tell it to your friends trying to push me further away from your personal life.
But I guess, we all really do lie a lot.
I just didn't know which lies you were telling me, I didn't know that everything was..