Master of Sardonic Wit

October 15 1999

“Can I be honest with you? All this label shit? It’s confusing me.”

“It’s not that hard,’ James shrugged.

“It is to me, on what label are you now? Uppity Cracker, Elektra or are you finally coming to your senses and joining up with Warner?”

“Uhm, well, Uppity Cracker is between me and Galus, you met him before. And Elektra is just, our label right now. But they work through Warner I think, or at least, they’re a subdivision of it. I have no idea.”

“Told you it’s confusing.”

“It’s not confusing, it’s just…fine, yes, it’s confusing,” James sighed.

Chantal grinned and laid down on his lap, looking up at him while he softly stroke her hair, looking down to her eyes. Even surrounded by layers of make-up, they still shone through like lights in the dark. At least, that was what James though, the rest of the group didn’t quite agree with him whenever he said this.

“So when does the pre-production end?”

“I have no idea, this is the first time we’re letting Elektra actually help us with a CD. Usually we’d do it alone at home in our own studio and just, mess around there until we’re satisfied.”

“And here?”

“We got this guy telling us if it’s good or not, and while we know it’s good, it’s not good for him and it has to be better.”

“Picky guy I assume?”

“Very picky,” James shook his head and threw his head back for a moment, closing his eyes and letting his thoughts roam through his mind.

“Well, who helped you on the last record?”

“Galus.”

“Can’t you get Galus again then? I mean, he knows you and the band, and it’ll go much easier for both you and the label when the producer and the band aren’t fighting all the time.”

“When did you get so smart?” James frowned, smirking at her as she sat up and pecked his lips.

“Since I grew a brain. Something you still got to do.”

“I’ll discuss it with the label, but I don’t think it’ll go off without shouting.”

________________________________________________

“And why can’t you work with the producer you guys have now?”

“Because he’s an arrogant ass?” James leaned back in the chair and crossed one of his legs over the other one, looking rather cocky and relaxed.

“He’s one of our best producers, so either you guys are giving him a hard time or, well I don’t have another reason.”

“Oh so now you’ll blame it on us?”

“Yes.”

“Right. Asshole. Listen, our fans are expecting a great album, we’re planning on giving them one. But not with this shitty asshole. Pull him out of the project, and let us hire our own producer. I promise you, it’ll be one hell of an album when we’re working with someone we can trust and actually like.”

“Who did you have in mind then?”

James grinned and stood up, telling the man he had nothing to worry about before running out of the office, already fishing his cellphone out of his pocket.

“Hey Galus, care to come and produce our next record? Really? Awesome. No we’re at the studio Elektra hired for us now. Yeah I have no idea why but you know the place I’m sure. Oh just great. See you in an hour then.”

Popping his head back into the office, he smirked when the man behind his desk glared up at him.

“We got a new producer so pick up your phone and call the asshole we have now to tell him he’s fired from the Frankenstein Girls project.”

“Frankenstein Girls?”

“Will Seem Strangely Sexy. Yes, our new album title.”

All James received was a shake of the head and the man picking up his phone to make the call. Smirking even brighter, James straightened himself up and walked down the stairs and back to the lobby where the rest of the band were waiting for him with news.

“Okay guys,” James walked up to them with a sad expression on his face, “I got some bad news, the asshole producer we have,-“

“Fell ill and died?” Steve asked hopefully.

“No, let me finish,” James pouted, “the asshole, is being replaced by another asshole. A bigger one too.”

“Oh god,” Kitty groaned.

“The good news is…we know the bigger asshole as Galus so it’s all good,” James smirked.

“What else did they say?”

“Well, the guy didn’t look too happy with the album title, but I like it so much, we’re keeping it,” James nodded, looking rather pleased with himself as he wrapped his arms around Vanessa’s waist and lifted her up, spinning her around. Her giggles filling the air.

“Maybe now, our new album will be something that’ll turn out good after all,” Kitty sighed with relief.

________________________________________________

“So guys, what do you have? Except, you know, all these songs?”

“Uhm, we had a shitty producer…”

“Again, except that?”

“We sort of have the songs listed that we want on the album, trust me, an album of 30 songs in alphabetic order will certainly please our fans. We just need you in the control booth telling us if we’re doing something wrong or not.”

“James, I don’t think 30 songs will fit on a CD.”

“They will, not all songs are 3 minutes long, we have some of only 50 seconds.”

Galus sighed and nodded, going over the list with the songs. Already organized in alphabetic order. He frowned at some of the titles but then realized that this was James’ songwriting and just let it drop. Songs like ‘Faggot’ and ‘I hate Jimmy Page’ would certainly raise some questions and attract criticism. But he was pretty sure that James had a good answer for the entire question.

“I was thinking to start Backmask with a live thing, just, before the true song starts,” Steve frowns, pointing at the name ‘Backmask’ on the list of songs.

“Mmm, so to give the fans the false pretence that this is a live album?”

“And fuck them over! Good thinking Steve!” James grinned, high-fiving the man.

Kitty frowned and looked at the two men in the room and then slowly raised her hand, “won’t our fans be mad at us for uhm, lying to them?”

“We’re not lying to them; we just are making them believe something that isn’t true. We’ll never tell them it’s a live album of 30 songs. I mean, why would we do that?”

“Oh, well, that makes sense, I guess…” Jennifer frowned, cocking her head to one side and biting her bottom lip while she thought about it.

“It doesn’t make sense at all,” Vanessa sighed.

“Nothing does in our little world, the fans learned to accept that,” Jennifer nodded, “then again, they really had no choice since James is so stubborn.”

“No, they just accepted it because they love my ass,” James nodded, slapping his ass and smirking, making the two girls roll their eyes.

“Okay guys, it doesn’t matter let’s just, record this album as soon as possible, this room gives me the shivers,” Galus looked around weary and then muttered some profanities under his breath that none of the others could hear. This was probably for the best.

“Yeah, we already got like, some of the songs, aka, the ones that have a ‘*’ next to them. I don’t know where that asshole producer did them though so we might have to rerecord them just to be sure. I didn’t like the end product anyway,” James shrugged, leaning with one hand on the table where Galus was sitting at while looking at him. In the mean time, the rest of the band looked anxious at the two men who were negotiating about the songs.

“And maybe some of the songs can just be live recordings of random things we say on stage?” Steve put in, frowning and looking hopeful at James who thought about it for a moment and then nodded. He picked up one of the pencils lying around and crossed some songs that would probably serve for that purpose.

“Good idea Steve, now, any more ideas?”

“Steve is going to sing on at least one of the songs,” James smirked at Steve who sighed and groaned. Even though he liked singing, he did not like to do it on a record. Because usually, the fans liked that song the most and then he would be forced to sing it on stage. And he already didn’t like the stage that much. Let alone sing on it. That was James’ job in the band. He was okay with back-up vocals but otherwise, they wouldn’t get him to sing.

“So, what do you think? Will this work or not?”

“I think it will,” Galus smiled, “but you guys are going to have to work your stunning little asses off if you want this album released by February.”

“We don’t, the label does, but yeah, we better listen. They don’t exactly like our rebellious act even though our fans dig it.”

“Well James, if you would stop shouting at all the managers and employees, that would make a great difference already,” Vanessa smiled sweetly.

“If I shout at them, they were asking for it.”

Steve looked at Vanessa and shook his head, motioning that she couldn’t change James’ attitude towards some people that worked at Elektra. Sighing herself, Vanessa sat down on the couch not far behind Galus and James’ table where they were busy discussing things.

“Oh by the way guys, me and the fiancé decided that the band thing won’t work for long anymore. I mean, hell, I enjoy myself a lot in this band but we want to start a family soon so…”

“Don’t worry, we’ll be on the look-out for replacements for you. But just, work on this album with us and the upcoming tour? And then we’ll see for someone filling in for you afterwards okay?” Jennifer placed a hand on Vanessa’s shoulder and squeezed if softly.

“Yeah, well, as long as the tour doesn’t take too long. I heard flying is really not that good if you want children later.”

“That’s bullshit Vanessa,” Steve rolled his eyes, “whoever told you that is fucked up in the head.”

“Well, it does sound a little ridiculous but still, I don’t think I can live this band life any longer guys, it’s just such a drag. And hell, this went on longer than I even expected it would.”

Kitty nodded and pulled Vanessa in a hug, “we’re happy that you already helped us start this band up. And hey, because you stopped playing with us doesn’t mean we’ll stop being friends.”

“Okay fine, you might see us less when we break through, if we ever do that because with James’ antics, I’m not so sure.”

“But trust me, we’ll visit you enough. Whenever we find the time that is-“

“-between screwing our other halves and shitting out new CD’s and new tourdates.”

Vanessa giggled and shook her head at Jennifer and Steve completing each other’s sentences before she gave them both a kiss on the cheek. Her eyes shot to the two James’ at the table for a brief moment and then she sighed, wondering how she would tell the stubborn lead singer about her soon to come departure from the band.

“No no no, the ‘J’ song is going to be a random crack song,” James’ voice towered over Galus’ protests. Galus sighed and shook his head at James. Clearly the man had a better idea in his head about the song but couldn’t back it up when James already had something in his head for it.

“Will you just listen to me?”

“Okay, fine. I’m listening.”

“Random crack song about what?” Galus raised an eyebrow at James who pursed his lips together and then just blinked a few times.

“Plastering a wall.”

“Okay, that’s better than my idea,” Galus nodded, turning back to the page of songs, leaving James to smirk and give the three other members two thumbs up.

“I don’t even want to know how this album is going to turn out,” Steve sighed, “and that paper is just about the songs, we still got to think about the entire artwork and stuff, the special editions and all.”

“Wait, we’re making special editions?”

“We might, James’ idea, just to piss the label off more. And to please our fans.”

“Oh great,” Vanessa sighed.

________________________________________________

“Wait, how did we get Jamie as our cover artist?”

“Because I got connections?” James frowned, holding out his hands in front of his chest just to protect himself against hits.

“He did Tank Girl, you know how awesome that is?”

“Hah, yeah, I know, that’s why I want him to do our cover art. Duh.”

Steve and James were sitting in their living room, bowed over several sketches of Frankenstein girls. Their concept for the album. For the art, instead of doing it themselves this time, they had hired the same artist who had done the art for Tank Girl, one of James’ and Steve’s favourite comics. The man had accepted the challenge of making them some nice cover art and went to work immediately. The result had been mind-blowing and none of them could pick which one would make the final cut.

Even now, while they were sitting at their table hunched over at least 10 drawings, they knew that Jamie was working on more artwork. Apparently he had a good muse and had a lot of good ideas about the title ‘Frankenstein Girls Will Seem Strangely Sexy’ because he couldn’t stop drawing.

In the mean time, the band had finally stopped with the pre-production and Gallus was now setting everything up in their studio. They were expected to be there in an hour but neither of the two men made any move to start getting ready.

“I can’t pick,” Steve gaped at the drawings and picked one up and then another one, comparing them, “I like this one a lot, but then I look at the other one and I like that one a lot too and just, wow man, I really can’t pick.”

“Let’s just, wait until Jamie is finished with shitting out artwork until we decide alright? I mean, he has another good week to reach the deadline and well, he’s good on schedule right now.”

“Yeah, but man, I don’t think we’ll ever get better artwork than this.”

“Pft, lies, don’t forget I have Jhonen Vasquez on my list too, he just has to do our cover art too one day.”

“We always get the awesome guys don’t we?” Steve grinned, “how do you do it?”

“Connections my dear Steve, connections.”