The Never Ending Fault in Loving You

She smiled. She looked up at him with tear filled eyes and smiled. It was the last time that she would smile up at him. That was all she could do. He was breaking her heart. It wasn’t like a normal heartbreak. She had been cheated on and that pain didn’t even compare with what she was feeling at that second. It was like her world just fell apart and she couldn’t pick up the shattered pieces of it. She just knew that he was the last person she would ever love that way.

She said, “I love you. I can’t help that I do. I can’t help that everything we did means so much to me. I can’t help that I love the way your fingers fit perfectly with mine. I can’t help that I love waking up to you in the morning. I hate this so much. I hate that you won’t let yourself feel anything other than misery. I need you, but damn it need me back.”

He breathed in sharply and looked down at her. He knew she was important to him. He knew that she was the perfect girl for him and he didn’t know what to do about it. So he looked at her. He looked at her soft, shiny, and sad hazel eyes. In that second he remembered every drunk memory with her. When he cried, she was there holding him. She had her hands laced through his dark hair, comforting him. He knew nothing he said made sense, but she was there. She never left until he was asleep. She never left no matter what he said to her. He was a complete asshole and she still sat there with him. She was always there. No one else. Then he felt himself start to hurt. His heart was starting to break because he was finally doing what he wanted and in the end, it wasn’t. What he wanted to do was grab her and kiss her, yet he remained still. He knew he had lost who he really was in that second. He hated himself.

“So this is it? This is finally the end huh? We’re running away from each other. You’re running away again. Why? I understand life sucks, but you’re hurting me and I can see in your eyes its killing you. God damn it…” she put her face in her hands and cried harder.

She shuddered and tried to breathe, but every time she looked at him she lost it. The memories came flooding back to her. The kisses. The cuddling. The touching. The mornings together. They were fading into an abyss that she promised to never enter again. Once she walked away, she was done. He was no longer going to be a part of her life.

His eyes looked up at the lights. The red, green, blue, and red seemed just that: Christmas lights. The memory of her laughing at him and teasing him about hanging them up seemed nonexistent. Her laugh was a drug to him and he wanted to make her laugh, but he knew how much it was killing her right now being in his presence. It was the wrong time and place for it.

“I never wanted to hurt you,” was all he could say.

“You did. You broke my heart. You broke what was left from him. I will not love again. I will not let anyone ever get into my heart the way you did. You destroyed me. I won’t regret anything we did, but I do regret letting myself feel anything for you,” it was a promise she knew she could keep.

“I’m so sorry you feel that way,” his heart snapped as the words left his mouth.

Then he felt what she felt: heart break. In that second, he realized that he, too, loved her. It was too late. She grabbed her keys and was gone. He was alone. He finally got to be alone. Then he realized that he needed her as much as she needed him. And he regretted watching her walk out of that door.' Then he let himself feel. He felt everything. The ghost of her fingers were touching his face as he let the held back tears fall. He coughed and they just fell harder. It wasn’t enough. He was letting them fall because he was falling into a black hole of loneliness. It was what he thought he wanted. He let her go thinking she would be happier and he would be doing the right thing. He didn’t deserve her love. He didn’t deserve the tears she cried for him. He knew that he didn’t, but it made him feel wanted for once in his miserable life. She made him feel like he had the world. He didn’t want anything anymore. In his mind, all he wanted to do was drink. If he drank too much, he might forget what happened. He might be able to fill the void that she left in him.

His best friend came into the room. He managed to look up at him. He wiped away the mess that became his face and stared. He didn’t know what to say to his best friend of his whole life for once.

“So this is what it’s like? This is what being selfish feels like. This is what hell feels like. I did what I thought was best but all I did was hurt her more than I ever wanted to,” he cried.

His friend silently stood there. He, too, knew that his sobbing friend was in the wrong. All he could do was shut the door and leave the sobbing boy in the dimly lit room.

She opened her door and fell to her knees. The gut wrenching sobs tore from her chest as she clutched the carpet. The tears leaving stains on the carpet. This room will forever hold her hostage to her love for him. So she knew what she needed to. She packed. She packed and she packed away everything. Her heart was finally just beginning to heal and he ripped it back to the beginning. She didn’t want to fix it anymore. She left the pieces in Room 202A and that’s where they will remain.