Erica: Adventures of a *#%^ up
One
My name is Erica and I'd just like to start off by saying that yes, I am a complete idiot.
A few months ago I saw this magazine ad for frozen food. In the ad, there was this girl in a bikini. That might seem random, but I think we all know why the frozen food company picked that image. Anyway, this women had no hair from her eyeballs down. Just eyebrows, eyelashes, and the hair on her head. It was incredible. It was dedication! So, I looked at myself and figured that if this women could be almost completely hairless, I could tame the wildebeest jungle that was my nether regions.
My grand idea to do this was a microwaveable at home waxing kit. Now, I don't know if you know this, but those kits do have instructions. They were instructions I elected to ignore.
I microwaved the wax far too long, and knew I did. It was obvious. But I figured that the company who made the kit must have accounted for idiots like me and made a safe guard.
I was wrong.
I made a decision that day. One I don't know if I will ever forgive myself for. I decided to wax between my butt cheeks. Now, don't get me wrong, there wasn't an extraordinary amount of hair back there, but enough that the soap made a bit of a bubble monsoon in the shower. Anyway, I figured I'd start somewhere I could see. I went for bending my knees, looking down, and spreading the wax on the first amount of butt I could see. And let me tell you, that shit burns.
After squirming and cursing in agony for a minute, the wax began to cool enough that I could successfully breathe. That is when I realized my fatal flaw.
See, when you apply wax the only thought going through your head is how goddamn smooth you're going to be afterwords. You don't realize that what goes on must come off. And it's not coming off alone.
After realizing that I was about to rip off hair from a highly sensitive butt area, the world stopped. It was an earth shattering moment for me. Time slowed down and I knew in my heart that I was a complete and total fuck up.
Butt, alas, the wax had to come off somehow.
As previously stated, I am not a smart women. I saw only two viable options. Either the wax was being ripped off, or it was being melted off. And in short of sticking my ass in a microwave, I didn't see a melting option worth trying. I'd have to lady up and rip off.
I put my hand on the strips edge, holding fast. Blood rushed to my ears, and it was like I was deaf. Breath one. Breath two. Breath three. Pullllllllllllll-nope. Couldn't do it. I contemplated putting my clothes back on and eroding the wax off naturally, but somehow I knew that wouldn't work.
I put my fingers back on the strip and decided to take it slow. Upon discovering that this approach only meant I could feel individual hairs popping free of their pores, I decided I couldn't put it off any longer.
I breathed again. I prepared my self. "Pain is only weakness leaving the body," many people say. That sucked for me because I could barely get through the "microwave the wax" stage without showing I had a severe amount of weakness to get rid of.
I pushed those thoughts out of my mind. My common sense weakness would be a strength at the moment.
I yanked.
And made it halfway.
Oh god oh god oh god oh god. Motherfucker that hurt. Luckily enough it seemed as though this new amount of detached wax gave me better purchase, so I took another breath, and gave a battle cry.
I yanked again.
Finally, I was free!
My ass felt like I sat on straight fire, but I was free. Free of the wax's adhesive clutches which kept me rooted to the bathroom floor. It was a very serene moment in my life. Serene indeed.
After taking a few seconds to appreciate life and all of its wonders, I lifted the wax into sight and saw the forest caught in its glubbery jaws. I sighed in relief and looked down to inspect. That is when two very important things happened.
1) I realized there was still a strip of wax on the other side of my butt.
And,
2) The doorbell rang.
A few months ago I saw this magazine ad for frozen food. In the ad, there was this girl in a bikini. That might seem random, but I think we all know why the frozen food company picked that image. Anyway, this women had no hair from her eyeballs down. Just eyebrows, eyelashes, and the hair on her head. It was incredible. It was dedication! So, I looked at myself and figured that if this women could be almost completely hairless, I could tame the wildebeest jungle that was my nether regions.
My grand idea to do this was a microwaveable at home waxing kit. Now, I don't know if you know this, but those kits do have instructions. They were instructions I elected to ignore.
I microwaved the wax far too long, and knew I did. It was obvious. But I figured that the company who made the kit must have accounted for idiots like me and made a safe guard.
I was wrong.
I made a decision that day. One I don't know if I will ever forgive myself for. I decided to wax between my butt cheeks. Now, don't get me wrong, there wasn't an extraordinary amount of hair back there, but enough that the soap made a bit of a bubble monsoon in the shower. Anyway, I figured I'd start somewhere I could see. I went for bending my knees, looking down, and spreading the wax on the first amount of butt I could see. And let me tell you, that shit burns.
After squirming and cursing in agony for a minute, the wax began to cool enough that I could successfully breathe. That is when I realized my fatal flaw.
See, when you apply wax the only thought going through your head is how goddamn smooth you're going to be afterwords. You don't realize that what goes on must come off. And it's not coming off alone.
After realizing that I was about to rip off hair from a highly sensitive butt area, the world stopped. It was an earth shattering moment for me. Time slowed down and I knew in my heart that I was a complete and total fuck up.
Butt, alas, the wax had to come off somehow.
As previously stated, I am not a smart women. I saw only two viable options. Either the wax was being ripped off, or it was being melted off. And in short of sticking my ass in a microwave, I didn't see a melting option worth trying. I'd have to lady up and rip off.
I put my hand on the strips edge, holding fast. Blood rushed to my ears, and it was like I was deaf. Breath one. Breath two. Breath three. Pullllllllllllll-nope. Couldn't do it. I contemplated putting my clothes back on and eroding the wax off naturally, but somehow I knew that wouldn't work.
I put my fingers back on the strip and decided to take it slow. Upon discovering that this approach only meant I could feel individual hairs popping free of their pores, I decided I couldn't put it off any longer.
I breathed again. I prepared my self. "Pain is only weakness leaving the body," many people say. That sucked for me because I could barely get through the "microwave the wax" stage without showing I had a severe amount of weakness to get rid of.
I pushed those thoughts out of my mind. My common sense weakness would be a strength at the moment.
I yanked.
And made it halfway.
Oh god oh god oh god oh god. Motherfucker that hurt. Luckily enough it seemed as though this new amount of detached wax gave me better purchase, so I took another breath, and gave a battle cry.
I yanked again.
Finally, I was free!
My ass felt like I sat on straight fire, but I was free. Free of the wax's adhesive clutches which kept me rooted to the bathroom floor. It was a very serene moment in my life. Serene indeed.
After taking a few seconds to appreciate life and all of its wonders, I lifted the wax into sight and saw the forest caught in its glubbery jaws. I sighed in relief and looked down to inspect. That is when two very important things happened.
1) I realized there was still a strip of wax on the other side of my butt.
And,
2) The doorbell rang.