Things Have Changed for Me

Evan

I pace around Gerard and Mikey's apartment, reading. They were both cooking, something to do with their friend, Frank.

I stopped listening after about 2 minutes in the talk. I was more in to my book.

"EVAN," Mikey yells. I try to keep my place but barely lose it. Luckily I find it again quickly and start again.

"NO," I call back, finishing the page. 314 is such a nice number at the bottom of a book... but maybe 315 will be nicer.

"OKAY!" I don't know what he wanted but oh well. I guess it doesn't matter.

There's a knock on the door.

Oh... Frank was coming for dinner... well that would make sense... the only bad thing is... I was looking toward to just me getting to know my brothers... maybe this'll go okay...

"EVAN," Gerard yells, pulling me out of my thoughts.

"FINE," I yell back and go answer the door, much too interested to look up from my book.

I really enjoy reading. It is all I had to do, being locked up for years. It was reading and drawing. Thats all good though. Takes your mind away from the pain of earlier events.

"Welcome to the Way's. Gerard and Mikey are in the kitchen." I try to greet the right way but I really just want to continue in my book.

"Hey! You must be the sister!"

What a nice way to address someone...

"Yeah, yeah, they call me Evan. MIKEY! HE'S DEAD!" I yell as I read the printed words saying how Mikey's favorite character has found himself dead. Killed, I may add.

I walk away from the door, running into a chair and falling to my butt in the most painful way. It would've been nice for the furniture not to move on its own.

"Dang it! Don't ruin the ending for me!" Mikey sits next to me. I jump at the feeling of his fingers gently running across the back of my hand. It scared me, I've never been touched like that without getting beaten soon after. It's been hard letting myself relax around everything.

Mikey likes to touch me... as if to see if I'm real... id do the same if I were him though...

"Wait- never mind. He is dead." I point to where I was in the book. It states his actions before falling back into a peaceful death...

"Hey, dinner will be ready in like... 10 minutes." Mikey's breath is hot on my ear, making me shiver.

"Gerard kicked you out?"

Gerard has done that the past couple nights. It's quite interesting. He has such a way of telling you that you're messing up and he thinks you should go.

"Yes..." Mikey hugs me, just for it to be a truck so he can shut the book.

I look up at him with anger in my eyes. Not that I was really that mad. I just feel like he needs it. It's not right to interrupt a girl while she's reading a book.

I suddenly miss the page number and my mind goes blank.

"What page was I on?! MIKEY!"

"5th page in the 12th chapter. Look up. Frankie's here."

My mind still totally blank, I try to think... "Who," I ask, confused. I look up to see the same short boy from the store the other day. "Oh! Hey, it's you!"

"Hi... I'm Frank," he says with a smile.

So this is the Frank that's always mentioned... he's... short...

"Evan," I answer, holding out my hand.

He's actually kind of cute! He looks nice. Maybe... maybe there are some people that are worth trying to get to know...

I pull myself off pf the floor in a swift movement.

"Whoa! Head rush! OH CRAP! I meant to change! And fix my makeup and hair! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WARN ME!"

I slap Mikey in the arm. I was embarrassed. I look like crap! I could've at least been told to put a bra on! Yes... that's how bad it is.

"I did. You said no. So..." Mikey shrugs at me. He's right...

I run to my room. i start to look through all my new dresses gerard bought me.

I pick a little black dress that goes out all poofy and some ripped, black pantyhose to go. I grab my high heeled sneakers and run to the bathroom.

Maybe he'll forget what I looked like before.

"MIKEY," I yell. I'm gonna need some help if I want to get it done quickly.

Mikey runs in, panicked. I smile at his worry. Maybe he really is being a true brother.

"You're okay?!"

"Yeah. I just wanted you to do my eyeliner while I fix my hair-"

"Just put it in a ponytail. It'll look cute. The curls aren't flat yet." He pulls it back, putting it in a ponytail.

It's amazing how good Mikey is at this stuff. I knew u called in the right guy. He fixes it perfectly. How does he do that?

"Mikey..."

The words start to leave me before I realize quite what I'm saying. But it really is true...

"Yeah?"

I swallow hard. I get really nervous and my hands start to sweat. I have trust issues, badly but I mean it when I say this.

"I love you." It was hard to get it out. I'm not used to saying it. I mean... I've said it before but only because I was forced to say it and then I was raped... the words are harder to say when you mean it.

He smiles at me. He has a nice smile. I never noticed it so much. He seems really happy. How funny that 3 words can do that.

"I love you too," he answers. I get a warm feeling... happy feeling... excitement. He loves me too. True, brotherly love... something I haven't experienced in so long. It feels nice. It's... welcoming.

"Love you," I mumble. I could get used to telling him that...

He starts to put on my eyeliner and does it quite nicely.

"Well, that's the first time I've said that in awhile. I... I really mean it." I take a deep breath and smile back at him.

"Mascara," Mikey whispers. I hand him my mascara. "I know it was hard for you. I really mean it when I tell you I love you. Every time. The less you say it, the more it means. Keep it like that." His words were simple... but they are true. I will keep it like that... not everyone deserves love from certain people... I guess I should be careful.

He finishes, giving me a hug along with it. I tense up... but soon return the hug.

"So, this frankie... tell me about him..."

I decide to try to gather some facts first. Don't want to go in completely blind to this mans past. He is in my house...

"He's in our band. He's fun. He's right out there. You get to know him."

He plays in a band... Mikey's band... I've never heard them play... it would be really nice... I bet they know how to do it. Gerard does know a lot about music...

"I'm too shy..." I realize how I won't be able to say a word to this man, due to my fear of everything.

"You can do it," Mikey says, pulling me out of the bathroom. He pulls me to the dining room.

I see the long, black hair bounce around as the taller, chubbier figure sets the table.

"DINNER IN 3... 2... 1 WERE EATING WITHOUT YOU!" Gerard sets down the last plate and takes his seat.

The head of the table... meaning he's the head of the apartment, right? Who sits there is king... so Gerard is my owner... he can kick me out. He feeds me. He is the king... I should do as Gerard says, right?

So he's my master...

Well... that sounded wrong... not what I meant.

Mikey pulls me to the table, his gentle touch on my arm. He sits me, and then sits himself beside me. Frank would be across from me.

"Awe! You look just gorgeous," Gerard exclaims and hugs me.

I smile at his warm arms around him. I don't get complemented much so it always feels so unexpected. Hugs scare me but Gerard hugs me a lot. You get used to certain arms around you, I guess.

He always smells nice and calming.

He kisses my cheek, which brings back some memories but I wouldn't ever stop him.

"Gee Gee," I whisper. He squeezes me in response. "Thank you."

"Naw!" He smiles. I feel his warm touch leave me cold and bare. I watch carefully as he serves.

Once again... he is the king...

He sets some chicken on my plate. The poor bird... although... it did die for a good reason. I haven't had a real meal in 15years. Not nice like this one.

"Eat up," Gerard announces. Everyone attacks the food in such a frightening way. Such violence that scares me. I slowly scoot away from the table. I recognize the way this situation goes...This always ends with me getting abused... well it did... I haven't gotten used to this... new family yet...

Gerard fills my plate for me since it's quite obvious I am too scared to get my own. I wonder if he can hear my thoughts... I've never had so much human interaction... can people do that?

"This is great," Frank says with his mouth full. He reminds me of a small puppy... I don't know why. He look so sweet. But a simple look can tell a million lies...

I pick at my food a little, deciding that it isn't the food that can hurt me... maybe the men eating it but not so much the stuff sitting on my plate.

Then I take a bite... after all it was killed for me... you shouldn't kill a thing for it to be wasted... eating isn't wasting it.

It really is good... that's a surprise... this is all so new to me... Gerard is a good cook. He doesn't look like he can do that kind of stuff... but he truly can.

"Do you like it, Evan," Mikey asks, scaring me.

He eats like some sort of animal. I'm surprised he swallowed before speaking... maybe people aren't complete beasts... some of them.

"It's good," I answer in just a little bit above a whisper.

I'm not so used to this... not without some sort of torture after it. It makes me sick... but i shouldn't stop... that would be rude.

"So, Evan... you're a very beautiful girl. Might I ask, do you listen to much music?"

Frank is taking an interest in me now...? I was hoping not to get asked anything. Not till I had some wine in me...

"Um... no," I answer, quietly.

I haven't had time to check any out...

"Don't be shy! It's just me! I am a close family friend!"

He seems like a nice, trustworthy guy. Mikey trusts him... so I should?

No... I can't let myself break to this... I can't trust him... not yet.

Frank looks around the room. Awkward silence... great. Back to awkward... everything's been that way lately...

"So, your favorite color?"

"Um... I really like purple..." I answer, quietly.

Purple is a peaceful color... right?

"Purple... it's a nice color. I like it. So, what's it like having these two as brothers?"

"I don't... really know... so far... it's nice. They're nice. I have only spent a day with them... but they're amazing."

I'm not used to this... being questioned without the threat of a knife being dug into my thigh...

"They are, aren't they?"

I finish, slowly. Mikey takes my plate. It was nice to watch the men clean the table. They do it much differently then I always did...

"Move on to the living room," Frank asks me, shocking me that his voice comes from right being my shoulder. I jump, which he obviously noticed. It seems we're both quite nervous though... he seems like he can't be calm...

He grabs my hand and helps me up. He takes me to the living room, watching every step he takes.

"Be a gentleman, Frank," he says to himself with a smile. I can't help but laugh a little at both of us. It's all so weird and new. It's hard.

"You look very pretty," he compliments. I blush.

I don't get compliments... just sarcasm...

"Thank you..." I don't think I've ever felt so awkward alone with s guy... not recently.

I take a seat at the sofa, which Frank follows beside me too.

That makes me panic just a little.

"That's a very nice tie. Do you often wear it?"

Great... that's all I could think of...

"Um... quite a bit. It's like a costume for concerts... but I just really like this tie."

"It's a nice color on you," I say, quietly.

It really is... I'm no good with conversations.

"I feel like you're getting used to me. I like it."

Nope, doesn't feel awkward at all! Totally used to you... yeah. That's what it is... heh...

"You give off a nice vibe."

Does that sound awkward?

"Do I," Frank asks. I feel him staring into me. I don't want to look up at him but you know... the feeling... being watched... it's not a good one.

"You have beautiful, grey eyes. I don't know how you get them..." I feel him push the hair in my face away. I get goose bumps...

"You know better than I do," i answer. I don't want to leave complete silence...

He holds up his hand and I flinch in habit.

From that, he gets everything... it all fills in... I see it in his eyes...

"You were abused... I'm so sorry! Well... of course you were... I'm so sorry." Frank hugs me.

Of course I was? What does that mean? Gerard... Gerard told him...

I see Gerard and Mikey in the door way, over franks shoulder, spying on us while they're 'doing dishes'.

"Frank," I ask, without pulling away.

"Yes?"

"You like halloween?"

Why not ask that? After all, it is just weeks away.

"Love it."

"You wanna go... shopping with me for a costume sometime?"

This is why you think before speaking...

"That'd be great," Frank answers. "Hey... so um... is the subject of your... kidnapping... off subject...?"

I shake my head.

Maybe it's good to get it all out to someone... I haven't yet.

"So... um... you wanna...?"

Right,

"Well... I was kidnapped 14...15 years ago..."

"Whoa! That's so long! You were trapped for THAT long?"

That's... a strange way to react... I'm getting uncomfortable...

"Well... the guy, mister- you know... I don't feel comfortable with this... I changed my mind... The only reason I even got that far is... because... because... you remind me of someone..."

Gavin... I noticed it yesterday... Gavin...

*flashback*

"Gavin," I whisper. I feel warm blood drip down my face but I ignore it.

Earlier events fresh blood still drips from minutes ago.

"Gavin," I ask, shakily. Still nothing. A tear streams down my face as I realize... he's gone.

He was beaten to his death... it's all my fault... what have I done?!

"Gavin," I whimper one last time. I start to cry but stop myself... I love this man... real love...

'Crying ends in pain' I repeat over and over in my head.

It only reminds you of what had happened. That's not what is needed. He wants to get you by hurting him. Don't show pain...

"Stranger," I hear a weak voice ask.

Stranger... that's what he calls me... I'm hearing him now... if I weren't chained to the cell bar, I'd run to him...

"Gavin?"

"Evan," he says, louder.

It's... real...

"I though I lost you..."

"I won't be here forever. I'll be gone soon. I did my best. I love you..."

He is gone... the real him... everything else... it'll be gone in the morning... I have nothing anymore... he is gone... so soon... my only hope... it's all my fault.

"Gavin...," I let myself cry. I can't take this. I cry hard. As hard as I can.

"Live your life without me. I tried to get us out. I really did."

I know you did... you always did! You never let me starve or take the beatings I deserved! What a way I repay you... death. You were so close to getting out...

"I'm so stupid to let this happen," I mumble, struggling to breathe. The dark room always kept us from seeing each other... I wish I could see his face.

His pale, bloodless, scared face...

Pain... blood... wounds... cries...

"You aren't stupid. Don't blame this on yourself."

It's all my fault though... It always is... I'm stupid and pointless... just like master says. I just ruin everything and never let anyone be happy! I'm useless!

"If I didn't refuse, you wouldn't have been beat," I whisper, stating the obvious... I deserved it. Not him.

"If I didn't stand up for you, you would be in this position! I can't let that happen! Now go to sleep!"

He's never spoken to me like that...

"I'm sorry...," i whisper.

I truly am...

*reality*

"Evan, you're crying," Frank says. I realize that I actually am and wipe it all away.

"He's... he's dead... he's dead," I mumble.

I can't be near him anymore. He knows my weakness.

I can't breathe. I'm being suffocated.

"Excuse me, but I must go."

I get up and excuse myself just so I can run off to the room I share with Mikey.

I start to cry. As hard as I can. Memories hurt... mine do.

I can't stop crying! Why?!

Mikey

Frank walks up to Gerard and I.

He looks so upset with himself!

"I... I made her cry," Frank mumbles. A tear rolls down his cheek.

My heart breaks...

"It was... it was 16 years," Gerard says, quietly.

Gerard is right. 16. Even worse than 15.

"You didn't know," I try to make Frank feel better about it.

It doesn't work... I know he didn't mean harm. He never does.

"I'm sorry," Frank mumbles. I pull him to the table.

I want to talk stuff out with him.

"You know, it's a sad experience... waking up to your twin... your best friend... not being in the bed across the room. Especially when she's been missing... for months... you don't understand why... or where. The sound of the goo goo dolls is missing... I can't listen to name without breaking down. 5 years later, you're 15th birthday and all you want is her... nothing else I wanted... her... you can't keep your weight... one day you're 200... the next you're... 375... up and down, all around. You start to imagine things... 'don't talk about her! Maybe you'll forget that way!' Lies. You know, she's your best friend... you give up on looking... you give up hope she'll come back... then you give up hope on everything... then comes the suicidal point... without the one thing in your life you cared about, what even is the point? You see things... her... it's all in your head. Is she really her... or am I imagining? Am I dreaming? Are you saying everything? She's so different... she keeps me happy... am I really happy? I can't have a serious girlfriend... cause... she's a girl... in your house..."

It's true... I meant it all... my life was a living hell for so long.

"Oh, Mikey..." sorrow fills his eyes.

I hate sympathy... I feel like a kid...

"I look at you... you're so jumpy... like she was... I look at you and think, 'now Frankie, she'd like you.' You're like... my little piece of her... now that she's here... she jokes about being short... she's shorter than you... she wasn't fed right, that's a big deal in height. See how tiny she is? She's got so many bruises and scars... I see them when she sleeps. Tell me, is it as bad as I think? She won't tell... I'm too scared to ask."

I start to cry... I don't even stop myself. I get myself to talk and get through it all though...

"Must be worse," Frank replies weakly.

I can tell I'm making him feel worse.

"I can only imagine,"i whisper.

What all she could have been put through... terrible things? It scares me.

"They said there were 3 more people," gerard says, scaring me. "Only one was left alive... his name is Reece. He's 19. Just a kid. He talks about it... only with me though... he knows I have her. He tells me stories. She was in love with a guy named Gavin. He's one of the dead ones... says that she told him she refused to do something sexual with mister phelps. Gavin chimed in and kept her from getting hurt. He was beat... Evan thought he was okay, fell asleep, woke up, he bled to death... she loved him... she watched him get beat... because of her. I think that's why she cried..."

I sigh. That's terrible... heart breaking. I can't believe here I am living so greatly... she's dying. I feel like crap. I let her get this. I could've done more. I could've kept searching. I gave up. Like Ways do... I'm so crappy!

Lucky gee, Ged got more blood from moms side. I'm stuck a failure... here I am, living on drugs but evan, all she needed was some food. She didnt even get that. So stupid.

I get up and walk to our room.

"Ev," I ask, knocking softly. I walk in with care.

I'm don't want to scare her, I'd never hurt her...

"Baby," I whisper as I sit by her. "You okay?"

Of course not!

"Fine," she answers, setting her head in my neck. I love when she does that. I feel needed. Like I should... She sounds like she cried hard. It hurts me.

"You know, Frank and I were talking... I've decided you... are the best thing to happen to me," I say with a laugh.

Try to lighten things... maybe.

"That's impossible."

"It's very possible. Now, wanna go watch a marathon of supernatural? We can get frank in sweats and then when he falls asleep, we can see how many pens we can fit in his nose till he notices! Then splash cold water in his face."

It can be lightened...

"The show with dean and Sam? Can I wear your clothes?"

She's adorable. Of course. Anything to keep a beauty like her happy.

"These are my nice clothes!"
Jokes are okay... right?

"I want your sweat pants with the holes!"

"Fine," I say. I pull out my sweat pants and throw them at her. She smiles and pushes me out.

I like this. It's nice. I like having a sister.

"SUPERNATURAL TIME!"

"DO I GET TO WATCH IN MY UNDERWEAR," Gerard yells.

It's always up to her. She's the girl. Half naked boys would scare me.

"EVAN?"

She runs out in my sweat pants and our band shirt.

She looks so cute...

"What? Um... yeah... what?"

"Gerard wants to stay in his boxers." I know she'll say yeah but you can't be positive with a woman in your house. Women are scary.

"What? It's you're apartment. Do what you want."

I love her so much.

Gerard jumps and starts to strip himself down to his boxers. Evan giggles.

"You're so hairless," Evan says with a blush.

It's true. He's very hairless. It's really funny. I love it so much.

"Mikey, please undress yourself...," Gerard says, embarrassed.

"What?! No! I look... bleh!"

I'm waaaaay too fat and ugly to do that. I hate myself. How can anyone else love me?

"Awe, now Mikey!" Evan walks over and starts to pull off my shirt. "Awe! You guys!" Evan hugs my side.

"I know... I know," I mumble. "OWE!" Evan pinched me!

Why?! Gosh!

"You guys did it! Come here, Gerard!" She runs over and hugs Gerard.

We did it? Did what? Oh... oh.

"Guys," Frank asks as he walks over.

Maybe he feels lost in this...

"What?"

"We're... I'm undies... I didn't... Gerard?"

Casual Frank... not wearing underwear on a day like this... I wear undies when I know I'm meeting a girl...

"Go," Gerard mumbles.

I go sit on the couch and turn on the tv. Everyone else joins. After about 4 hours, everyone is asleep but me and Evan. Evan actually is laying on Frank. They look cute together. Gerard would never let that happen. He knows Frank. Seen frank's work.

"I'm proud of gee," she mumbles.

She's so happy. I guess she knows he struggled more than me... well, o actually just kept it to myself...

"Yeah," I ask.

"I expected you to make it, Lose all of that, But Gerard... how? He must've hurt himself!"

"He did... he wouldn't eat. Not after you left. He ran... a lot... and passed out..."

It's true. Terrifying to see... but I had done much worse to myself...

"You've always been so fragile and in such a dark place..."

"Still am..." I am kind of ashamed for it... I messed up. It got worse. I was stupid.

"You're not happy?"

"Depression... isn't as fun as you think."

"You're... you... I... Mikey..."

"Go to sleep. You look cute like that."

"Frank's cool. I like Frank. He reminds me of my old friend. I miss him..." she falls asleep while talking.

She's so adorable...

I smile to myself. I get up and turn everything off.

But no... not sleep. Why would I need sleep?! Perks of having sleeping disorders! I'll find a way to pass time...

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