Things Have Changed for Me

Evan

"Patty! You're not doing it right! Press harder!" I feel Patrick's fingers dig deeper into my shoulders. I had made a bet with the boys and they lost. They're now giving me a manicure, pedicure, and massage. Life is great.

"Patty sucks at this. Gee Gee!"

"Fine..." Gerard and Patrick trade places leaving Gerard to give me a massage. I laugh.

They all are so bad at this but they try to make up for stuff and I love it so much. They're so funny. Boys.

"Okay, guys. I feel sorry for you. All of you can leave."

"Yes! Thank you! I have a meeting in ten!" Gerard kisses my cheek and runs out to his meeting.

He runs funny... never noticed.

"I'm making some food," Ray says, getting up. The others all get up at once.

I grab Ryan's arm as fast as I can so he doesn't leave me. I really want him to stay but I don't think he's going to... they never do...

Ryan, tall scrawny frame stares down at me. His beautiful eyes stare at me like he's reading me... can't quite blame him... I'm doing the same...

"Hey, I'm working tomorrow so I'll call you guys after," I say, keeping a tight grip on Ryan.

"I have to work too..." Brendon pokes me in the arm.

"Recording? Or writing?"

"Recording," Brendon answers, grabbing a hold of my free hand. I always loved his hands... he bites his fingernails till they bleed though... not such a great thing... he should get a little help.

"There goes my joy," Ryan mumbles.

"You wanna clean my room then," I ask. He smiles his adorable little smile at me. For some reason he seems to love it when I find him things to do. Or maybe... it's not that... oh...

I hope he doesn't snoop...

"I'll be here when you get home," he answers with a laugh.

"Thank yoooou." I pull myself up to my feet.

"Alright... oooo! Date tonight! I gotta go!" Pete starts to look for his shoes. I notice patrick get uncomfortable.

Pete finds his shoe, running around the room while Patrick just looks miserable.

Pete hugs him and runs out, leaving all of us quite heartbroken for Patrick.

Everyone knows Patrick and Pete like each other. They belong together. They'd be perfect... why won't Pete see how much Patrick is in love with him? It's tearing them both.

"Have fun," he calls, quietly as pete leaves.

"What's wrong, Patty," I ask, walking up to hug him, but still keeping my grip on Ryan's shirt.

Patrick gets down to my ear, me being shorter than even frank, and whispers to me.

"I hate her so much," he wipes his nose. I kiss his cheek.

"Oh..." patrick lets go of me. "Meaning I have to be home when he comes home... she treats him like trash."

"Good. All of you get out of my house."

I motion everyone out.

"Oh... bye bye then," Brendon says, as he walks to the door.

"Love ya!" He kisses my head before he goes.

"Love you too!"

"No. Not you. Ryro. Duh." He then kisses Ryan's head too.

"Awe... but..."

"I love you, Eva." (A/n Ev- ah. Not Eva)

"Yay!!!!" I run over and jump on his back. I then realize I let go of Ryan and start to panic.

"I can have my arm back," he exclaims with a laugh. He rubs his wrist a Little and starts to walk around the room.

"No, no, no!" I pout. I didn't mean to let him go! I want him to staaaaay!

"Hey, I gotta go. Patrick. Come." Brendon lets go of me and waves patrick over. He winks at Ryan. That's when I realized something is happening.

Something I don't know if I like or not... should I be worried?

"No, no. I have to go with Brendon. We have a meeting, right? About the-"

"No we don't! Don't be silly, Ryan! You should stay!" Brendon pushes Ryan toward me. Ryan turns red.

"But-"

"Bye ry." Brendon kisses my head, again, hugs me and leaves. But before he does this, he winks once more at Ryan.

Ryan shakes his head.

Patrick's phone goes off. "That's my sign. Bye guys." Patrick hugs me too and leaves.

"I guess it's just us now..." I walk back over to Ryan. He looks so cute today. He always does. His pretty eyes and perfectly straight hair that he once again has fixed. I like it down and curly. But straight and up is adorable too... He's so scrawny. I hope he's eating. I know he worries about it. I grab his sleeve again. Just in time too.

"I gotta go." He starts to walk away but gets stopped by me not letting go.

I'm not making that mistake. Not again.

"Why so soon," I ask. He shrugs.

"I don't really... I don't really know..."

Why is this so awkward...

"Stay."

He states at me, thinking about it for awhile... he nods.

"Yeah... yeah. Okay."

Gosh... why is it so awkward. Why can't I just kiss him and get it all over with? I want him...

"Ryan?"

"Yeah?"

"There's a... a thing... and I wanna go... but I don't really have a date..."

I don't know how to ask a guy out! Just run! Run! Run!

"You wouldn't want to show without one. Or worse, with Mikey or Gee as a date!"

"No..." oh... okay. That's okay. Cool... yeah.

"Well anyone would be lucky to go with you," Ryan says, looking down at his shoes.

Yeah... that's what I thought... oh... Well... maybe next time... just don't cry... right?

Don't let him see you cry. Don't let him see you cry. Don't let him see you cry.

Go cry.

"Evan," he asks. He steps closer to me, making it harder not to run.

I tug on his scarf.

"Yeah?" I start to prepare myself.

"Could, could I..." He gently grips my chin in between his finger and thumb.

My eyes flutter shut.

Maybe this isn't a no...

"Please," I whisper. He pulls me in for a sweet, long, unexplainable kiss.

It's better than my birthday, christmas, all of it all together... but better... so much better.

My hands wonder up his chest and rests on his shoulder. His hands fall to my waist and he closes the gap between us.

He kisses down my cheek and neck. I feel him suck a little on my neck. I bite the inside of my lip and shake him a little.

Every time anything like that has happened in the past, it'd be rape... I'm not ready for it...

I stiffen up.

He gets it and pulls away from me.

"Sorry," he whispers.

"No, no, it's just... I uh... I like all the action over here..."

I point to my lips. This is so uncomfortable... I feel like a terrible person.

"I get it... I understand... no I don't... I've never...but I respect your choice... I will leave you alone... sorry..."

"Don't be sorry... well..." I run my hand back down his chest.

I try my best to avoid any eye contact...

"Um... I'm going now... that was... that was nice. Thanks." He lets go of me.

He let go but I miss him already...

"Yeah," I mumble, in a bit of shock from being kissed. He walks to the door and he's gone. Nothing but his scarf that I pulled off. Gone...

He's gone...

I pick up my phone to call Brendon.

Brendon while know what to do... he always does. He and Ryan went out for a week...

"Hello?"

I can't find any words... nothing will come out.

"Evan, I know it's you."

"Um... you don't... don't have anything with Ryan... do you?" There it is.

"Um... maybe a crush but that's old. History from a long time ago. Won't be making that mistake again. So tell me, what happened?"

I blush and smile. "He kissed me," I mumble. Brendon seems to have heard that because he gasps and gets all squeally.

"He kissed you or you him," he asks. He sounds... happy?

"He kissed me..."

"Did you kiss back?"

Of course I did... why wouldn't I?

"With everything I had..."

"You sound a little disappointed..."

"He tried... something else... and I stopped him..."

I start to pace around the room.

"Oh. He's been... been preparing himself for awhile, you know... guys don't really like that too much... A lot."

"I... I really like Ryan..."

"And Ryan likes you..."

"RYAN LIKES ME?!"

"He... did kiss you... He has been practicing and planning..."

"Right... oh my gosh... I thought it was about... oh... so... were good?"

"You know earlier?"

"Yeah... The winking?"

"We're good."

"Oh my gosh... I'm going to vomit."

I've never felt this way... or had someone else do it for me... what's this make us?

"He's here. Gotta go. This call never happe- HEY! RYRO! Let me hang up with Frank real quick... everything good?"

"Thank you..." He hangs up, leaving me to think to myself. I get up to get some food but it was thrown away and Ray is gone... Mikey and I aren't really speaking... But maybe...

"MIKEY," I yell.

"WHAT DO YOU NEED?" He runs out in panic. I start to cry. I run over and wrap my arms around him.

"Ryan kissed me," I cry, softly into his shirt.

"But you like Ryan. What's wrong with that? Why are you crying?"

"Because I'm so happy!"

After about 10 minutes of crying, I finally stop.

"Go ask Ryan to the dance."

"Oh! Help me!"

"Are... are we good?"

"I am not a child," I stare him in the eyes.

"I know," he whispers and nods. I grab his hand and pull him all the way to Ryan's, where Brendan usually stays.

"Call him, pleeeeease," I beg Mikey with the best puppy dog eyes I can pull.

"Brendon," he asks. I nod.

"No." I roll my eyes and call brendon.

"Hello," Ryan... Crap... Nononononono

I can't do this

Don't panic! No! Don't! It's just Ryan! You're okay!

"Um... c-can I, speak to Brendon?"

"Oh... oh, yeah. Yeah."

"Um..."

Awkward... again... great...

"He... he is fixing the ceiling fan... it's fun to watch."

"I bet it is... could you ask if I can barrow his car?"

"You can't drive..."

"Well... then I can barrow him too..."

"Okay... yeah..."

"You... you looked cute today...," I whisper.

That makes it less awkward... right?

"You... you were my first kiss today...," He replies. First kiss... me... yeah... yeah. I knew that. I feel bad... do I?

"It- you were... you were good...," I state. Yeah. Really good.

"Was I?"

I smile. Maybe... I like Ryan... a lot more than I thought...

"Hey," Mikey mumbles in my ear. "Ev, it's raining... should we go home?"

"Go hide..."

Mikey rolls his eyes and walks down the sidewalk a little. He makes sure he can see me. I don't mind that. I'd do the same.

"Ry," I ask, making sure he's still there.

"Yeah?"

I pick up a pebble.

"You'd be in... your bedroom," I ask.

"Yeah, why?"

I throw the pebble at his window.

"Mikey asked."

I pick up another and throw it at his window like the other one. It misses. I throw another and successfully hit the window.

"I gotta go! The idiots who try to break my windows are back!"

I smile, throwing another.

"Bye..."

"Bye." I smile and blush as Ryan hangs up.

I throw another pebble before the window swings open.

"I'm gonna call the cops! Go away- hey!"

"George Ryan Ross, please go on a date with me..."

"I was hoping to be asked! It's pouring down rain. Please come in..."

"No! I have another question!"

"You're being insane! Come inside! Ask me inside!"

"It wouldn't be as cute..."

"You're- hold on..." Ryan closes the window.

"Mikey... go home," I hiss at him, once Ryan is gone.

"Bu-"

"Michael..."

"Tell me how it goes."

"Full detail," I smile. Mikey walks over, puts his jacket on me, and leaves.

He's such a sweet brother... Sometimes.

I stand there, dripping wet... Waiting on Ryan...

"Hey," leave it to Brendon to ruin a moment. "You're gonna freeze to death!"

"Are you wearing a shirt?"

"No... nothing... Why are you dripping wet?"

"It's raining, idiot."

"Yeah, but why?"

"I believe it has something to do with science. I don't know. I didn't go to school."

"You didn't go to school?"

"No..."

"Bu-" the door swings open and Brendon hides himself...

Ryan runs out, shirtless like Brendon but wearing a thick raincoat and an umbrella in hand... and... well... boxers...

"Come on... you poor thing... you've lost it..." Ryan wraps his scarf around me.

"No," I refuse. Rain drips into my mouth but I ignore it. He rolls his eyes, handing me the umbrella. He starts to pull off the thin jacket Miley had given me. It's soaking.

He shrugs out of his warm, thick coat and replaces Mikey's.

"It's freezing... what could you possibly want to stay out here for?"

"Easy escape," I say with a small smile.

"Escape from what," he asks with a laugh, straightening out the jacket.

"Ryan, I know we just met and there's obviously age and I'm a little off in the head... but I can see us together and I really like it. I really like you... a lot... Ryan... I want there to be an us..."

"Easy escape from that? You think I'm going to say no?"

"Makes a less awkward storm away..."

"Well don't go... be my girlfriend. there is an us. From here on." He smiles at me. His hair, curly and matted to his face. It makes it all a perfect moment...

"Hey look! A rich chick about to kiss a homeless man! Just do it already and get back in here before someone gets sick or mugged..."

I stop myself from throwing something at Brendon... it was really hard... but I did get to flick him off.

Ryan cups my face and gently kisses me, but starts jumping and making weird noises. I poke him.

He pulls away and starts running. He runs around the outside of his house, barefoot, while it's poring.

"You guys are so weird!"

I shove my hands in the pockets of the coat. I pull out a piece of paper... song lyrics seemed to be written on it. I'm sure Ryan doesn't want me studying it... but reading a couple words... I shouldn't... should I? I think I'm going to...

'Oh, how it's been so long' I start to read. His handwriting is fun. I like it...

Ryan starts screaming really loud, making me jump and shove the piece of paper back where I found it. He runs over, grabs my hand, makes me run around the house with him, while he continues to scream, then pulls me inside.

"You're a freak," I say with a laugh. "Go put on some pants!"

"You have to catch me," Ryan screams, running away.

He's so energetic! It's so cute!

"YOU MADE THE BOY HAPPY," Brendon screams and starts to run too. I sigh, grabbing both the boys pants off the floor, and chasing after them.

I get Brendon, jumping on his back and poking him till he stops to catch his breath.

"Do guys just like... strip themselves as soon as they get home?"

"Only sometimes."

"Are these... women's?"

"... maybe..."

"I knew they were too tight..."

"Girls jeans fit easier..."

"Put them on."

"Fine... just remember, you and your boyfriend can fit in each others jeans."

"Wrong! I'm too short! Plus... I don't know what size I am..."

"You don't buy your own clothes ether?"

"No..."

Brendon drops me and starts to pull the jeans on.

I start to search for Ryan.

"What happened to him," I ask, seeing as Ryan has disappeared.

I hear a small laugh but from where...?

"Hiding," Brendon mumbles. I start to walk around.

"Ryyyyyan...," I coo, quietly. He sneezes, loudly. it's actually really cute. He sounds like a puppy...

"Ry." I jump on the couch, looking behind it. Nope... I hear him laugh from the other side of the room.

How'd he get there?

"Is he drunk," I ask, not sure what's happening.

"No! You made him happy. It's cute!" Brendon flicks me with a rubber band.

"Den," I yell, flicking him back.

"It is! besides, its not like he turned six and hid under the piano." Brendon nods toward the piano. I slowly walk over to it.

"Come out, ryro..." I slide the pants under the piano, peaking down at him. He smiles, playfully.

"No."

"Look who's being stubborn now!" I stick my tongue out at him.

"Call me your boyfriend!"

"Come on out, boyfriend," I coo, circling around the piano.

"Okay!" He slides out and starts to dress himself. He puts on a nice button up shirt and a nice scarf, everything.

"Ry, not dress clothes..." Brendon frowns.

"My favorite shirt..."

"There isn't any talking you out of it," brendon sighs. Ryan, Ryan, Ryan... once he's found his outfit, no changing his mind.

"I'm cold," I whisper. Ryan laughs at that.

"I have wet boxers on under these... bden, take her to the attic."

"Why," Brendon starts to argue but I can tell Ryan won't take it.

"Do it." Ryan runs off.

Brendon gives me a soft smile. "You're stuck with that," he mumbles.

"Well... ry said to the attic."

"He did... come." Brendon pulls me over to the hallway. He opens the attack door and the steps fall out. I slowly climb up them. It's a small, but nice attic. Feels like a home...

"I love this place..." Brendon starts to play with an ornament with Ryan's name painted carefully on it.

Ryan's first Christmas.

"It's nice..." I look around, admiring the small place. After a few minutes, Ryan steps in.

"Alright, Den. I think the fan... still needs a little help."

"Right... That's my sign. You're tired of me." Brendon winks at Ryan and heads back down. I stare at Ryan. He pulls a key out of his pockets... he changed. He's wearing sweat pants. He looks nice. I don't know if it's his hair natural instead of straightened, or his lazy day outfit... but something about it just makes it feel... him. Calming... It's nice.

He walks over to a chest.

"This... is my mom's box..." he unlocks it, opening it to reveal a lot of clothes from the 80s and 90s.

"Now... you're a little big... upstairs... that wasn't meant as an insult," Ryan mumbles.

"You could just say my boobs are big," I say, hitting him. His nose scrunches up at that.

"Now, that'd sound a little rude. I like to say I'm a bit of a gentleman."

"You spent the past ten minutes screaming and acting like a 4 year old... You were born in nineteen-eighty..."

Gentlemen have a weird way of living... I'm pretty sure they don't do that.

"Six. Mom stopped caring what she wore after I was about 4... I was a wild kid until the age of about 10. This may not fit your... girls... but look through and pick what you like."

Ryan starts to go through the clothes. I walk over to him. He's crying... just a little but he is...

"Ry...?"

He wipes his nose on his hand and starts crying harder.

I pull him into a hug. He cries into my shoulder. I rub his back as gentle as I can.

"I don't wanna be here," he sobs.

"Now, Ryan... don't say that..."

"I hate this stupid house! I hate my stupid dad! I hate myself! I just want to be with my mom!"

His mom...? he doesn't talk much about his family too much...

"Ryan," I whisper. He cries harder.

"I hate my stupid idiot dad!"

"I don't really... like my parents ether... ry, we'll get you out of here... I promise. Some point, you'll be out of here."

"No..." He cries harder. I start to play with his hair.

"You want to live with Gee and Mikey? They'll get to like you better... well... Mikey is a little... but gee... gerard is a sweet heart.. Mikey will just hate you for being my boyfriend... but he hates Frank for liking me... but I like you... don't listen to Mikey or frankie. I don't know what I'm saying..."

"I don't want to... be weird..."

"Brendon, patrick and I. You too. Move in with us..."

"I couldn't... " he stops crying and fixes himself up. "I miss my mom. That's it. It's been a long time. You remind me of her... she was... she was raped... at 17 and a-always... she always walked around with the same curious, scared look... Just like you... oh my gosh..."

Realization hits Ryan in the face like a brick.

"Ryan... there are a few things I left out... I wanted to... forget... living in the past is a sucky thing to do... it wasn't... me keeping it from you... it was me... hating it."

"You... you were raped?!" Is it that easy for someone to find out? I guess past experience...

Ryan strokes my cheek gently, staring me in the eyes as if to see if I'm serious. His facial expression goes blank. Then it turns into fury... then back to sad and teary eyes.

"Ryan, you're very sweet. You're so amazing and talented. You have so much more in life to worry about. I don't like being one of those things. I am fine. The past is the past. I am fine now. You're fine. We're okay. It was the past. You can't stop something that's already happened."

I kiss his cold hand. He hugs me tightly, tracing circles into my back.

"I'm so sorry... I don't know how you've put up like this...," He whispers. Truth is, I haven't really.

"There is more... I don't want to explain it twice... I broke down last time I tried to talk about it... go gather Bden. I'll get dressed..."

"I'm not telling you you have to choose these but uh..." he slides a plaid red mini skirt and black long sleeve shirt toward me. Rachel Greene... heh... I take it from his hand and he runs off. I change as fast as I can and run back to find the guys.

"B? Ry?" I call, looking for them.

"Kitchen," Brendon's voice rings. I follow to the kitchen and take a seat at the island across the men.

They both are sat up straight... well... kinda straight... straighter than they are.

"Okay... tell us."

I sigh. "We-"

"So wait! Ryan said you were... raped?"

I can tell they've been discussing.

"And... kidnapped... I was also... suicidal, depressed, on drugs, and bisexual... Well... still bisexual."

"Bisexual," Brendon questions. I laugh.

"Well... I was forced to be with this girl, sexually to please master... there were other girls... I took an interest, found that girls are really great... I'm probably more on for girls then guys... But hey? Girls love girls and boys. But Ryan is better."

I could've explained that way better. There is going to be someone against the way I explained that... too late now.

"I wanna be bisexual...," Brendon mumbles.

"You... are...," Ryan clarifies, with a confused look.

"oh... yeah! Continue."

He looks like a happy little bunny...

"I was 10... I went down to the store, alone... a guy had followed me... he Uh... he held a gun to my neck and slowly took me to the trunk of his car... I remember it all. Kicking the back of his seats everytime we stopped at a gas station... all of it. I had passed out when I hit my head on the hood of the trunk thing... I woke up, a few hickeys... then he smiled at me... did a bit more... after that, I was thrown in a huge,dark room. Chained to some bars. The guy left me in the dark, cold room. Only a little light from the door. There was another guy... I fell in love with him... he got killed... that's really... all that matters. got out... 15 years later... man killed himself. Here I am."

I realize I haven't made eye contact when my chin is lifted up by... brendon.

"I don't want pity... just a hug... and a kiss from ry...," I whisper.

Ryan gives me a small kiss and brendon hugs me... a bit... touchy places it shouldn't be... but that is just what brendon is used to doing... I know he does it to Ryan and patrick. Makes me one of the guys I guess... I pull his hand off of my butt and give a tight squeeze. He kisses my cheek and let's me go.

I miss his touch though... I want it back...

"That explains... you didn't go to school... you don't know your size... and you stare at women funnily."

I shrug.

Pretty much sums up what I can remember of my life...

He smiles. They're so sweet... I love it.
I don't think I've ever been this happy... not lately... I like it... A lot...