Things Have Changed for Me

Trigger warning starting at Patrick's pov so please be careful! I'll fill you in at the beginning of the next chapter if you want to skip.

Pete's pov

The sun is just coming in. Feels warm on my cold, damp body.

Joe and andy came home yesterday from their visit to parents. Patrick didn't get to visit his parents so I stayed with him. He's been all quiet and shy since Evan. Should I be this worried?

Does this mean he likes her?

I hope not... I wish he liked me like that... I really want him on me...

Anyway...We all slept on the trampoline with a fire going.

Luckily the fire went out without burning down anything after we fell asleep, but it was freezing for the most part.

It was nice. Cold but patrick cuddled into me. He was cold too... poor kid. He seems so lonely and desperate... sad. He's always sad...

His hands were cold as ice.

He did hold me close to get warm. I know he was unconscious and didn't know he was doing it, but he still is holding me. It felt so nice.

My watch says its 5:47am. I'm the only one awake but I'm only awake due to a pest squirrel who decided to crawl on me.

Squirrels are the real enemy. Evil little fur ball. Evil.

"You know... not to rush or anything but you need to ask soon...," Joe says, scaring me.

"What do you mean," I ask. Joe nods toward patrick.

Oh...

"He fell asleep staring at you. He has plans. I'd ask soon. I'm not saying something bad is gonna happen... but something bad is gonna happen."

I stare at patrick. He's so deep in sleep, it almost seems like he's happy again... almost.

He shivers, wrapping his arms tighter around my torso. It's so adorable.

"You could save him... yourself too. I see the way you look at him. He looks at you the same. I see the way you look at yourself and he looks at himself... you guys hate yourselves... yet love each other... pete, you need to tell him soon. He's losing it."

I pull off Patrick's hat and play with his hair. He looks so harmless, peaceful. He sneezes like a little bunny... he must be having a dream or something because to after sneezing, he gets a scared look to him. Funny things he does in his sleep... I wish I could take away his nightmare.

"I don't want to ruin things...," I whisper.

I must look like a mess right now but patrick... he looks like an angel... it's hard to believe he's still breathing. I've checked to make sure a couple times but he still just looks... the opposite. No worry, stress, sad... just... happy. It's kind of sad. He's never happy... not anymore.

I remember the time he was happy. Always smiling. Wonder what changed.

I changed... didn't I?

"If you don't ruin things, he will. He has the power to ruin himself and he sees that. That's all he sees..."

That's true... been that way since he came out to parents.

Patrick shifts a little, scaring me.

Did he wake? Thank God!

"You really think so," I ask, looking back at Joe.

"I really do. You should get some sleep now. Think about it. I know you'll do the right thing."

Now I have to make the right choice! Thanks Joe.

Do I risk our friendship if Joe is wrong... or is he right?

"Yeah..." We sit there in silence for awhile... well... not for awhile. More like, till when I hear screaming.

I fell asleep... I hadn't even realized...

I look around to see its late... 10ish... the sun is hot on the trampoline. I can feel the heat under me, burning hot. But it feels good.

I sit up, only to see I have no pants on... I swear I fell asleep with them on. I know I usually don't but neighbors...

Why am I pantless? Who has my pants?

"HES UP," I hear someone yell as I feel the trampoline dip and someone starts jumping, bouncing me pretty hard.

I gasp, really loud as I start to get bounced higher and higher.

"I'm up," I exclaim.

I start to stand up but fall back down when andy starts jumping again. He stops, siting down next to me.

"Where... where did you put my pants? I'm cold..." I start to look around, kinda panicked feeling.

"Patrick took them and threw them in the wash with his," Joe answers from across the yard.

Patrick... isn't dressed ether? This is something I'd pay to see... I've never even seen shirtless patty...

"What's he wearing," I ask with the nice image in my head.

"He said something about always having clothes hidden in your closet," Andy answers. Crap. Well that sucks. Should've seen it coming with how insecure that kid is.

"Oh yeah... I'll be back. I'm gonna go shower and get dressed. Then say we go go karting?"

Maybe catch a glimpse of Patrick. See how he is. Attempt to make him smile.

"YES," andy yells. I smile. I missed these kids. Life is a bore without them.

I hop up, running in the house as fast as I can.

I only trip about 5 times. This is why emos don't run.

"PATRICK," I call.

No answer......

That can't be the slightest bit good.

"Patty," I ask, walking down to my bedroom. I stop when I hear something.

I walk up to the bathroom door. It's shut... I don't close it.

Patrick?

I hear crying... crying? Why would he be crying? Did I do something?

I jiggle the knob. Locked. I knock, softly. The crying stops... but no answer. I grab for the key, debating wether to use it or not.

"Patrick...?" I know to unlock it when he doesn't answer to that.

Not a sound.

I start to panic, struggling to unlock the door.

"Patrick?!"

Dead silence... dead... silence... dead silence... dead... death... plans... death... patrick... oh... no. No no no no!

I bust in just to find him sitting on the floor... crying...

No sign of blood. No sign of pills. No sign of anything.

I sit next to him. It breaks my heart to see him cry.

It's terrible when he cries.

It's like when you were a child and your favorite toy shatters... that's what I feel.

I bring him into a tight hug, pressing his head into my chest and letting him cry.

"I don't-don't li-like it," he hiccups. He looks up at me with a terrified look.

I kiss his head in hope it'll make me less scared.

"I know, I know but other people love it. All of it." I whisper. I play with his hair.

"H-how-ow do y-you know?"
He sniffs and whipped his nose on his sleeve. I grab the box of tissues and hand them to him.

He just looks so heartbroken.

"I love all of it. Come on, why do you feel this way?"

"Be-cause, if y-you don't- don't love you, t-then who- who else c-can?"

He's got a point... but I love him... so he must have some love for himself there.

"Why don't you love you? We can change a few things. What's wrong?"

"No," he yells. I frown.

"What don't you like? I'll help you fix it." I squeeze his shoulder, smiling.

"I-I'm fat! I'm so fat! And, and I-I am useless! I'm a lump of f-f-fat and bone that isn't needed!"

That sends a sharp pain. Like I've been stabbed in 7 different places at once.

"Patrick, no! I need you! You are not useless! I need you, brendon needs you- have you seen the way that kid looks at you?! He wishes he could be you! You have fans out there who need you! You give so many kids the ability to live with themselves, how will they feel when they find out you can't live with yourself, huh? The man that saved them because they look up to you. That's not useless. You don't like your weight, we can lose it! Together. I'll be right here. I happen to love your chub. It's cute and warm and it makes you look so nice and love able!"

I'm so madly in love with you, Patrick. I need you.

He wipes his nose with his sleeve, again. He snakes his arms around my waist.

I'm fine with that. Totally fine with that.

"I don't wanna look nice or lovable! I want to be feared! I don't want to be warm! That's a nice way to say fat!"

Well, yes. That how his mom puts it. But he's just got such a nice loving heart.

"Hate to break it to you but no matter how you fix yourself, you'll still be a teddy bear. And no! Warm does not mean fat! It means you're nice to cuddle with! Who doesn't love cuddles? I think you look great. I love all your cuddles!"

And I really love you... A lot... like... I want you. Mine.

"Hey... you're such a great friend," he mumbles.

Friend zoned????

But...

Friend?

That hurts.

Work through it. Ready? Okay.

"You're perfect. now, stop your crying and look at me."

He looks up at me, sniffing some more and wiping tears.

I press my thumb to his warm cheek, wiping away the rest of them.

"I'm sorry," he whispers. He looks at me like a wounded deer. Poor thing.

"Don't be." I help him sit himself back up.

"Are you sure I'm not fat?"

"You're perfect." I kiss his cheek, gently and get up off the floor.

"Pete..."

"Yeah?"

"Nothing..." he weakly smiles and leaves.

Oh...

I sigh, tilting my head back.

What am I going to do? He wants himself out of the picture... I wouldn't mind myself out of the picture ether... I need him... like really need him. He can't see that, which is very terrifying. I depend on him... now I just expect to come over and find him dead on the floor... I really wish I didn't have these thoughts... without him, there's not really a me... maybe I'm over thinking... maybe he's fine! Maybe I should get my mind off of this... it's patrick! What harm can he do?

So much harm.

Maybe I can make him feel better...

I should get in the shower. After Joe and andy leave... I'll take patrick out.

Mew can talk.

I strip myself and let the shower start to get warm, before getting in.

I can't stop thinking about it though... did I do the right thing with letting him run off like that?

Should I have made him stay and talk more?

He can't just be okay with that...

"Pete, hurry up! We gotta take showers too! You've got a line!" That pulls me out of my thoughts.

Oh... was I really that long? I can't seem to remember how fast time goes by...

I finish up as fast as I can. Once I'm sure my towel is secure, I open the door.

Wouldn't want that again... memories.

The fresh air hits me like a knife, making me cough.

"So much steam in here! What did you do?" Joe starts to fan the room out with his hands.

"I Uh, I turned the hot water on and that fixed itself," I mumble, distracted in my thought.

"Wow... talent," andy goes and shuts himself in, leaving me, once again, to my thoughts... thoughts can be dangerous... they lead to violence toward yourself. I have all the scars to prove that one.

Bad scars.

"Pete," patrick again! Awe! I love him!

"Yeah?"

"Um... do you have any alcohol?"

"No... But you really shouldn't be drinking." I pull my towel up. That's embarrassing.

"Patty?"

"Yeah?" Patrick smiles, softly. I haven't seen him smile in so long... it's nice.

I get a little nervous. I kinda want to... a lot... should I?

"You've... you've got a lil somethin on your... somethin on your lip, if I can...?"

He blushes a bright color.

"G-go ahead..."

I crash my lips into his like I've wanted to since the day we met.

I feel... happy... a feeling I've lost for so long... it feels right. Like I've missed it for so long without even knowing what it was...

I try to take total control, kind of just taking it slow... but maybe having my tongue in his mouth wasn't a bad idea.

The moment feels nice and slow. Sweet and gentle. Good. Real good...

I lick his lip gently. I really would love to get in. To my surprise, I actually do get in.

It feels really good. Like magic. I like it. A lot.

I want more...

I keep myself in the moment. It's nice. Patrick feels like... like home.

Patrick gently pushes me away.

And I start to feel nervous.

"I uh... I... I gotta go... you should get dressed... go get dressed... I'll meet at the tracks..."

"Oh... okay..." I look down at my feet.

"Um... thanks...," he says, running off.

Thanks? Thanks... maybe... Joe was wrong?

I shouldn't have done that...

Figure it out after you get dressed, Peter. Stupid stupid Peter.

Patrick's pov

"I Uh... I... I gotta go... you should get dressed... go get dressed... I'll meet you at the tracks."

I need time to think this over. He... he kissed me... though it was probably out of pity, he kissed me...

"Oh... okay."

He doesn't really like me! It was out of pity! I know it was! It can't be real!

"Um... thanks..."

Thanks. THANKS! What does that mean?! Thanks. I'm so stupid! Why did I just say that?! Thanks?!

'Oh pete, thanks for kissing me. It really was good! We should do it again sometimes.' THANKS!

Why not just throw yourself in front of a moving car?! That'll put me in a better position than this is! Thanks pete!

Why didn't you just shut up?! What the heck is wrong with you?! THANKS?!

I gotta get out of here!

Thanks? Really?

There goes your plan!

Thanks.

Thanks

Thanks

Why am I still standing here?! Run Patrick, run!

And I'm off... why did I run? Why did I do it?! Why?!

I find myself in my car, driving as fast as I can to my house where I cry as hard as I can.

I said I'd meet them there...

I can't meet them there...

Not like this...

Pete kissed me... kissed me... and I liked it. I loved it... but no, no, no! Pete is a dude... I'm a dude... I was just getting over him... he didn't mean it... he couldn't have! How does a guy like that love someone like me?

He just felt bad... he felt bad because he knows the truth.

I'm fat.

Ugly.

Useless.

Stupid.

Annoying.

I hate myself.

How can he like this if I don't like this?

I grow to hate myself more each day...

Maybe if I starve myself, I'll be skinny again...

I'll never be skinny.

Or useful.

Or hot.

Or smart.

Or anything. I'm just a waste of space... a waste of breath... and life... I served the time I deserved...

Maybe drugs won't be such a bad idea...

Maybe death sounds cool...

I find a bottle of vodka in my moms cabinets. I take a swig, stumbling to my bedroom. I take another, making myself dizzy by walking funnily in circles a couple times just for the feeling of being a little drunk, swig after swig.

Maybe I can enjoy my last few moments in life.

Last... few... moments.

I pull open the medicine cabinet. I head straight for the Barbiturate...

One pill,

Two pill,

Three pill,

Four...

Take another swig and down a couple more...

Darkness,

Darkness,

Darkness,

Pain...

There's barely anymore life... I can contain

I find my razor back far in my nightstand. Everything getting darker by the minute. I smile really big, taking a seat on the floor, agains the wall.

I drag the blade up my left wrist... up...

Down pours the blood...

drop...

drop...

drop...

I find myself doing the same to the other...

Drop...

Drop...

Drop...

I hear a faint voice as it all goes black.

"Patrick?! Patrick?! Patrick wake up..." somethin, somethin, somethin more.

I'm already gone...

Already gone...

Already.... Gone...
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Gone.