Jacqueline

1/1

It had started innocently enough. From a young age, Jack loved to dress up in his mom's clothes and put on her makeup (although it almost always turned out looking like clown makeup). His dad, being the devout Muslim that he was, constantly tried to steer him away from the tendencies. Being gay was haram, and Jack had been completely weaned from his little games by the time he was ten.

Growing up, Jack's mother was his only confidante. She was the only one who knew the truth: Jack wished he was a girl. He couldn't tell anyone else, ever. If he did, he'd be kicked out...or worse. Jack didn't think his dad would hit him, but how could he be so sure? He knew like hell how his siblings and the kids at school would react to Jack being transgender.

Even knowing that he couldn't tell anyone, though, it hurt more and more each day that he couldn't be himself. He went through the motions of the day, then went home and cried himself to sleep.

Jack was on the verge of a serious breakdown when he met Alex in seventh grade, but things had been slightly better since then. They'd been dating for ten years, since Jack was sixteen and Alex was seventeen. Even so, there were still days when Jack stood under the cold stream of water from the shower head for hours, crying because dysphoria didn't just go away overnight.

And he loved Alex; he really did. He couldn't tell him, though. He wouldn't dare fuck up what they had after fourteen years of being best friends.

"Thanks, Denver, you guys have been great!" Alex shouted before going offstage, followed by the rest of the boys.

As soon as Jack handed Danny his guitar, he ducked away out the back entrance of the Fillmore. He needed to call his mom.

All Time Low had been on tour for three months now, and Jack never got time anymore to play dress-up with the clothes and makeup he kept hidden in his bunk. He rarely even got time to cry over the phone to my mom.

It took everything in Jack to not break down in front of my band mates, or worse, the fans. He hated having to be a boy. He contemplated suicide a lot, but never seriously.

"Jackie, what's wrong baby girl?"

"Dad's not home?" Jack asked. His mom only ever used female pronouns to refer to him when his dad wasn't around.

"No, sweetie, he's out drinking again," she sighed. "How was your day?"

"It sucked," Jack said. "I hate my life."

"Baby, Alex wouldn't love you any less if he knew. None of the boys would. Your father and Joe and May would come to terms eventually."

"You don't get it, Mom," Jack sighed, angrily running a hand through his hair. "Alex is gay. He'd dump me in a heartbeat if he knew I wanted to be a girl."

"Jackie, you're a girl whether Alex likes it or not. If he can't still love you after you tell him, then he's not worth your time."

"Thanks, Mom. I still don't think I'll tell him. I want to be a girl, and I wanna be able to dress like one, but it's not worth losing the only good thing I have."

"Honey, nothing is worth losing your identity. You've just gotta be yourself and other people will accept it."

"While I appreciate the sentiment, Mom, this is the real world. And the world takes people like me and chews them up."

Jack's mom sighed.

"Don't I know it, Jackie. I'm married to your father, after all. Just remember what I said."

"Okay," Jack said quietly. "I love you, Mom."

"I love you, too, baby. Sleep well."

"You too."

As soon as Jack entered the bus, he was greeted by the guys laughing about something. Upon seeing Jack, they only laughed harder, and, yeah something was up.

And, shit, was that one of Jack's dresses that Zack was holding?

"Shit, Jack," Rian said through peals of laughter. "I never thought you'd have a cross-dressing kink."

Even Alex was laughing along with them, and Jack could feel the tears that welled up in his eyes. As if the conversation with his mom hasn't upset him enough.

Before he knew it, he was bolting out of the front lounge with tears in his eyes, and the laughter had stopped in its tracks.

Jack had flung himself face first into his bunk and was sobbing into his pillow. He never wanted the guys to find out, and he wouldn't let them find out like this, even if it meant they thought he had some weird kink.

Jack just wished he could be a girl. He didn't want to be a trans girl, he wanted to be a real fucking girl. He knew that would never happen, though. He'd always just be a boy who wished he could be a girl.

"Jack, baby?" Alex asked, sitting next to Jack and rubbing his back. "I'm sorry. Rian found it. It fell out of your bunk. I shouldn't have laughed. I'd do anything to make you feel good, baby boy. I'd bottom if it made you happy."

Jack felt Alex kiss behind his ear, but he just cried harder.

"I don't want you to bottom. And don't call me that."

"Jack, I call you that all the time. You're my baby boy."

"But I don't want to be," Jack sobbed.

"A-are you breaking up with me?" Alex asked, his voice laced with panic.

"No, no, baby," Jack said, then mumbled into his pillow. "I don't want to be a boy."

"What was that, Jacky?"

"I don't want to be a boy," Jack said quickly, then concealed his face again, scared of Alex's reaction.

It was a few moments before Alex answered, and each passing second worried Jack more and more.

"Baby, why didn't you just tell me that?" Alex asked, cuddling Jack close to his side.

"I couldn't tell anyone. It's haram. And you're gay."

"So?" Alex laughed, kissing Jack's head. "Being gay is haram. And I'm not religious. I love you whether you're a boy or a girl, baby."

"Really?" Jack asked, clutching Alex's shirt in his fist.

"Really," Alex said, then paused. "What's your name?"

Jack looked at him in shock. Alex was being so supportive even though Jack had kept it from him for fourteen years.

"J-Jacqueline," Jack said.

"Okay. Jacqueline, will you be my girlfriend?"

She blinked, then broke into a grin and crashed her lips against Alex's.

"Yes, holy shit. I love you so fucking much, Lex."

"I love you, too, Jackie."