Hope Is a Waking Dream

Chapter 10

Melissa sat on the front porch of the house, while Daryl walked around. He walked the perimeter a couple of times and circled the house a few more. When Glenn and Maggie woke them this morning, they had both been horrified and embarrassed to find their arms wrapped around each other and Melissa’s head on Daryl’s chest. They jumped out of bed quickly, put on their boots, and grabbed their weapons. Neither of them acknowledged Glenn, Maggie or each other. As soon as they stepped outside into the early morning darkness, Daryl spoke. “You sit here. I’ll walk.” And here she was, still sitting and he was still walking. She was also thinking. She was thinking about how embarrassed she was, and still is. She was thinking about how much Daryl hates her right now. He hates her because she disgusts him. He’s disgusted by the thought of her touching him; why else would he have moved away from her so fast that he almost fell out of the bed. She’s afraid that she’s gonna get called out for being the stupid, fat, ugly chick who thinks she’s good enough for Daryl Dixon to want her in the same way.
He has never fucked up this bad in his life, not even when he was a kid. Even after a few months of bunking close to Carol, he never woke up with his arms around her. She’s gotta be humiliated thinking that he planned this. After all his work, she’s never gonna trust him, or the group again. He could tell that she didn’t like having people near her physically, much less having their hands and bodies on her. He wasn’t a touchy feely person himself and understood how that felt. He didn’t mean for it to happen and he didn’t want it to happen. He didn’t want her to hate him for something that was out of his control. She deserved better than having some ugly, beat up, dirty redneck’s hands on her. Then he thought back to earlier. It seemed to him that he had known of their proximity to each other before they were woken up. Her smell in his nose, her hair on his arm. Something had made him aware of her, but he hadn’t done a thing to change it. Maybe he thought it was a dream. Maybe he liked that dream.
He finally made it back to the front porch where Melissa had stayed, per his demand. He stood in front of her, but she wouldn’t look at him, so he sat next to her on the steps. He took an almost empty pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and offered one to her. She delicately took the smoke from between his fingers and took a long drag. He pulled out the last one and lit it for himself. “I didn’t know you smoked,” was the first thing he said to her.
“I haven’t since I was on the streets. But this seems like a good time to have one. I’m so sorry Daryl. I didn’t mean for that to happen. I don’t want you to be embarrassed by that. I’ll make up for it, I promise. Just don’t leave me here.”
Daryl took a drag off his smoke and exhaled loudly. “Number one, you don’t have to apologize for nothing. It was mostly my fault if anyone’s. Number two, there’s nothing for you to make up for and number three, we ain’t leaving ya nowhere. I ain’t leaving ya nowhere. I’m just getting used to ya. I want ya to stick around for a while. If anyone needs to apologize, it’s me. I’m sorry. I think I was having a dream, but I ain’t sure. I can’t remember much about it. ‘Sides,” he breathed out heavily, “you should be waking up with someone better than me.”
“Okay, I won’t accept all of that, but I’m not gonna start a fight. I’m tired of fighting. I don’t know what part of what you just said is true and what part is bullshit, but I’m gonna ignore it for now. Let’s just forget it happened, okay? Besides, I don’t think Maggie would’ve appreciated it being Glenn instead of you.”
“Your right, except the bullshit part. I don’t lie and I don’t bullshit. I tell you something, it’s the truth. You ask me a question and you’re gonna get a true answer. If I volunteer information, it’s no lie. You’d be smart to remember that.”
“Alright, just remember that I don’t lie either. You can trust me. Everything I say comes from my heart, but I’ve trained myself not to speak much truth. I guess that’s why I don’t talk much. Some people don’t like to hear the truth and I don’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.”
“Mmmm, I feel the same. Took me a long time and a lot of pain to realize that the truth hurts less than a lie, if you can handle it. I don’t like being lied to. I don’t tolerate that,” he paused and considered something for a minute. “If I ask you a question, you’ll be honest with me, won’t you?”
“Of course. As long as I know the answer, then I’ll tell you. You have to answer a question for me in return.”
“Deal. Okay, when I came up on ya the other day by the brook and you was singing that song, where’d ya learn it? Why were ya singing that song?”
“My momma used to sing it to me when I was a little girl. She was always a big Beatles fan and she told me that this song had gotten her through a lot of tough times. She wanted me to know that there was always hope, that she always had hope that things would be better for me than they had been for her and that I would always have someone there for me when I needed them. That song is the strongest memory I have of her.”
“Mmmm,” was Daryl’s only reply. She waited patiently for any more from him and when he offered nothing, she spoke. “Can I ask you my question now?”
“Sure, go ahead.”
“That night, after you saved me from the walker, before you left my room, you said something. What did you mean by that?”
Daryl froze. He had forgotten all about that. He had hoped she wouldn’t bring it up, maybe she hadn’t heard it. He would be honest with her, but he hoped she would forgive him for his actions and his initial lie. “Which thing I said? I said a few things and don’t remember half of it ‘cause I’s so nervous.”
“You told me I was wrong about myself. That thing I said at the brook, you said I was wrong. Why would you think that? How would you know that?”
Daryl cleared his throat and wished he had the other pack of smokes in his bag. “I lied to you. When I said I hadn’t been watching you at the brook. When I told you I was watching out for walkers. I lied. I had been watching ya. I saw ya washing up. I’s scared you’d think I’s some pervert who gets off on watching naked women.” Shit, he thought, he had though. “ I’m not and I don’t. I ain’t like that.” Except in that situation, with you. “I’s scared ya wouldn’t like me if you’d known what I done. You sounded so convinced that I wouldn’t do that, but not because I was a nice guy. Because I thought you was ugly or something. If that’s what you think, then you are wrong. You’re not ugly. Ya got real pretty eyes and pretty hair, and your body? I’ve never seen a woman that looked like you before. That’s a good thing. You got a real . . .nice body. So, you are wrong. You’re plenty good enough to look at.” He stood up and grabbed his bow, “I’m gonna go in and get my other pack of smokes and take a piss. I’ll be back in a minute.”
As she heard the front door open and close, Melissa felt her eyes get wet. He never lied, except that one time. She had been watching him as he spoke, until she couldn’t anymore. She didn’t know what to say, or what to think. She was glad that he left. She didn’t know how to respond. He probably didn’t want her to respond anyway. God, what it must have taken for him to say those words. She wondered if it might have caused physical pain. He’d said that he wasn’t good with words, but that’s where he was wrong. He had just given her the most beautiful, most amazing words she had ever heard. In twenty-eight years, he was the only man to ever see her and after tonight, the first to put his hands on her body. Technically, he hadn’t been touching her body, not her skin; but when she opened her eyes and saw him looking back at her, eyes wide and frightened, she felt the pressure of his big hands when they tightened around her.
She heard him come out the door and he walked past her and down the steps toward the edge of the yard. She could see the smoke from his cigarette floating in the air and could hear him pissing onto the street. He came back and sat next to her on the steps. He offered her another cigarette and his zippo. “Daryl, I don’t know what to say. I know what I want to say, but I’m not sure how to say it. I’ve never heard those words before. There’s always the possibility that you don’t want to hear what I have to say.” She was gonna give him a minute to decide what he wanted. He took her hand in his and linked their fingers together.
“Say what ya gotta.”
“I’m not mad at you for lying about that. I probably would’ve freaked out if you’d a told me then. That wouldn’t have ended well for any of us. I appreciate the fact that you were honest with me, no matter how embarrassed I feel about it. I still don’t believe everything you said, but it’s not because I don’t think you’re lying. It’s because those things simply aren’t true. I don’t believe them. You are a good man Daryl, so good in fact, that you would say those things to someone you don’t know, just to make them feel good; to give your family a chance to be safe. You can be a real asshole Dixon, but then again, so can I. I think I’m really starting to like you, all of you. I don’t think I want to be alone anymore. I want a family again.”
Daryl let go of her hand, “You’ve got one now. We ain’t gonna leave ya and I’m not letting ya leave us. I’m gonna keep my eyes on you,” he said and looked directly into her eyes. “We can watch out for each other, protect each other.” He looked around and noticed that the darkness was disappearing. “It’s almost dawn. Let’s take one more walk around the perimeter, and then we can wake the lovebirds up.” They walked side by side around the outer rim of the small neighborhood, Michelle glancing over at Daryl often enough for him to notice. “Do you have something else to say?” he asked and stopped in his tracks.
“I don’t know. It’s one of those truths that I’m not sure I should speak. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
“Too late for that,” he muttered under his breath.
“I liked waking up with you. I’ve never shared a bed with anyone before, not friends or family or . . . boyfriends. I really didn’t ever have any of those. I just don’t want you to be scared of me or feel awkward around me. I just don’t want to mess anything up or make you mad. It was nice though.”
Daryl didn’t have a clue as to what to say. She thought that waking up in the same bed with him and having his arms around her was nice. She liked it. Well, he guessed that he liked it too. She had soft skin and hair. He already told her he thinks she had pretty eyes. Hell yeah, it had been awkward as fuck. He’d never woken up with someone in his bed, unless you count Merle when they was kids, which he didn’t. The women he’d had were always gone before he’s able to get his drawers back on. If Maggie and Glenn hadn’t found them, he would have been willing to stay there with her. He would have been willing to lay with her, run his hands up and down her body, and maybe, just maybe, kiss her. Really, the only thing that made it awkward was the fact that Maggie and Glenn had caught them, that they had seen them. That was embarrassing, not the being in bed with her part. He wondered if he would ever get the chance to be in bed with her again. “Yeah . . . it was nice. I, uh, never woke up with anybody either.” Daryl then realized just how alone they were. No Maggie, no Glenn. He took two steps toward her, which put him mere inches from her face. His hand moved to cup her cheek and without conscious thought, he leaned in and gently touched his lips to hers.