We'll Carry On

"I don't think it's that good" Alex concluded once the pair read over their work

"Agreed. It just seems so...boring. It needs something else that's modernized. Something interesting"

"But what? That's the huge question"

"Mm, yeah. Maybe we should come up with some characters and it will come to us eventually?" Jack suggested. Alex nodded, and they both continued with the project. Jack volunteered to write down the characters. The brown haired boy watched as he focused on scribbling down every last detail. Admittedly, the writing was messy, but readable. It turns out there were more people in Romeo and Juliet than the boys first thought, and it took longer than expected.

"Fuck, my hand is dead!" Jack exclaimed, dropping the pen after 20 minutes of writing

"Maybe we should take a break?" Alex suggested with a small smile. A smile that wasn't returned. But he expected that from the dark haired boy.

15 minutes later, the pair were sat on Alex's bed listening to various punk rock bands. Jack tapped his foot in time with the songs while Alex sang, watching Jack the whole time. Alex was only singing to try and distract him from his sexual thoughts

'You got him on your bed, fuck him right in the ass'

'No!' he argued with his mind

'Come on, you know you want to...'

'I know I do. Wait, no I don't! I don't want to fuck a boy!' he wasn't convincing himself though

"It's not right!" he cried out loud, by accident. Jack turned to face the boy next to him. The dark haired boy looked worried, you could see it in his eyes, and the cute little frown he wore.

'Oh god he's adorable'

"What's not right?" he asked, just as Uprising by Muse came on. But for Alex, there was currently an uprising somewhere else if you know what I mean.

"Nothing," he said too quickly "I was just... thinking"

"Oh, okay" the boys remained in silence, the only sound was the music playing softly.

-x-

Do you ever feel sick? Your body and mind give you no warning. The sickness just crashes over you like violent waves in a storm unexpectedly. And all you can do is helplessly drown in the sea of sickness.

Alex felt sick. Not an illness sort of sick. Not homesick. That would be strange if he was homesick considering that he was home. No, it was the kind of sick you get when you feel guilty. Like you don't deserve to be okay after everything you've done over the past 3 years. You remember how you hurt the people you loved, only to then lead a life of misery and anger and self hate. Alex hated himself. He hated himself for leaving Tay and Jenna. For leaving Zack and Rian. For leaving Austin and Alan. For leaving behind black skinny jeans and dark vans and band shirts and wearing a million wristbands. For being ashamed of listening to Green Day over 2 Chainz and whatever other crap his "friends" liked. Doing those things hurt. Hurt more than anyone could ever know, and will ever know.

But out of all the things he's done, he regrets abandoning Jack. Sure, they were on slightly not bad okayish terms now, but it could never be the same. They could never be best friends again. It took Alex years to break down Jack's defensive walls and get close to the dark haired boy. It's gonna take a lot more than a sorry to repair that damage.

Selfish. That's what he was. All he thought about was how being on the football team was great for him. Not how it would ruin everything for everyone.

"I'm so sorry" Alex whispered into the air, his throat choked with sadness. It was as if he believed the wind would carry his broken words along the orange horizon, and find its way to the windows of everyone he ever caused pain to. That would be nice, wouldn't it? If they all knew he did care.