We'll Carry On
Take My Hand And Give Me A Reason To Start Again
Jack hated hospitals. The horrid stench of cleaning products, the unnatural bright white colour, just everything about them. He hated them even more when someone he cared about was lying on a hospital bed fighting for his life.
Alex's arms were cleaned and bandaged up now, but Jack couldn't get the image of them earlier out of his head. So much blood, so many cuts. How can anyone as beautiful as Alex want to hurt themselves like that?
He remembered everything clearly. Scarlet liquid was splattered everywhere, painful against the harsh white colour of the bathroom. When Jack finally managed to break down the door, he wasn't prepared for that sight. Tears fell instantly as he dropped to the floor and tried to shake Alex awake.
"Lex, wake up! Don't be dead, please don't be dead..."
When he received no response, the dark haired boy searched frantically for a pulse. He found one, but it was faint, almost non-existent. With trembling hands Jack called an ambulance, and rushed downstairs to inform his parents on the situation. His mother was equally corcerned and started crying too. His father, on the other hand, was more concerned about the mess. Mr Barakat has always been an asshole, so Jack wasn't too surprised.
The ambulance arrived not too long afterwards, and quickly transported Alex's unconscious body onto a stretcher and into the vehicle. Jack asked if he could go too, seeing as he's the only one Alex really has at the moment.
Now they're here; Alex practically dead and Jack holding his hands and sobbing. The doctor had said there's a 60% chance of the brown haired boy making it, which sounds great. But then when you realise there's a 40% chance he won't, it's not such a happy ending. Alex is currently in a coma, but it's not severe (thank God), meaning that he should awaken in a few days. A few days was too long for Jack - he didn't want to go a minute without Alex.
"Wake up for fuck's sake!" He cried out. Obviously it made no difference, but every second that passed broke his heart even more. What if he never wakes up? What if something goes wrong and he dies whilst Jack isn't there?
'Oh God, I'll never get to tell him how I feel! What if he feels the same way too? I'll never find out since he'll probably die'
The door swung open. Jack quickly wiped his eyes to disguise the fact he was crying. Tay, Jenna, Rian, Zack, Alan and Austin all walked in together, and gasped at Alex's almost lifeless form. There was a sad and uncomfortable silence as, everyone took in what was going on. Jack's text message had been very brief, so no one was expecting it to be this bad. The bandages on Alex's wrists gave it away.
"Jack, what happened?" Tay spoke up after a while. Jack proceeded to tell the group, from Alex's parents to the blood covered bathroom, but leaving out the kiss. There was another silence afterwards.
"How long have you been here?"Rian asked.
"12 hours" he shrugged as if it was nothing. It's true; the dark haired boy had been by Alex's side from 8pm to 8am. Much to his dad's disapproval.
"Thought so" Rian threw a packet of crisps at him. He was grateful though, he barely ate dinner and hasn't had food since. Zack sat down in the seat beside him and placed a comforting arm around Jack's shoulder.
"It's okay Jack. Alex will wake up soon and everything will be alright"
The rest of the group came over and joined in to form a huge group hug, reassuring each other that Alex will be fine. Of course, it was just fake optimism. No one knew for sure whether he'd make it through or not.
-x-
Alex woke up in his own bed, the morning sunlight shining onto his face. His alarm clock (the 7th one he's had this month) read 10:47am. Weird, he always wakes up in time for school, and if not his mum would wake him up. How is he even here; didn't he attempt suicide in Jack's bathroom? The scars on his wrists were gone completely, as if last night never happened. But last night did happen, right? Apparently not, so it seems.
The brown haired boy stretched his arms and looked around. For some reason all of his belongings were gone, apart from the furniture, making the room look extremely plain.
"Who the fuck touched my stuff??" He exclaimed in disbelief. Outraged, Alex stormed out of bed and down the stairs to the kitchen. Surprisingly, no one was here. His mum was usually home. What's going on? Alex looked down and realised that he was still wearing the same clothes from his suicide attempt, including shoes. Everything was so strange.
"I need to ask the others about this" he sighed in disbelief, before walking out the front door all the way to school. It was break anyway, so no one will notice him slipping through the school gates. The atmosphere didn't feel loud and lively like usual, it felt...dead. As he continued through the corridors, all Alex could hear was his name, slipping from everyone's mouth. It's as if no one had realised he was there.
"I always knew he was still an emo freak" the brown haired boy heard a jock scoff. A jock that used to be his friend. Wow, talk about two faced.
"Suicide seems a bit extreme, but at least it's one less goth in the world" some blonde girl shrugged in agreement. Wait, what?
"I'm right here!" Alex cried out, flailing his arms to draw their attention. They seemed to not even acknowledge his presence. Okay, that's rude.
'Why is everyone ignoring me?'
Alex noticed a familiar figure walking to their locker, head hanging low. She moved slowly, and wore an expression of pure misery on her face. Tay! Tay will explain what's going on! Moving past crowds of other students, Alex called out to the brunette girl.
"Tay! TAY!" Surprisingly, she didn't even hear his pleads. Tay looked up momentarily in his direction, but seemed to be looking through him rather than at him.
"Taylor Kathleen Jardine, answer me!" Alex's shouting grew more and more desperate. How can Tay not hear him? The brown haired boy is practically screaming in the small girl's face! All of a sudden, Tay's eyes widened, like she recognised him or something. Relief flooded through him - at least one person isn't insane here!
"Jack! Over here!" She called out, looking past Alex completely. Alex swivelled round to see none other than Jack Barakat, shuffling over to his brunette companion, looking even more upset than Tay did. His face was mainly hidden by his raven black hair, but the tear stains on his pale cheeks were clearly noticeable. It broke Alex's heart to see his best friend so emotionally shattered. Alex reached out to hug him, but ended up walking through him instead. What the fuck is going on?
"It's gonna be okay, Jack" Tay reassured him with a shaking voice.
"What's going to be okay? Alex is fucking dead! How can anything ever be okay now?" The dark haired boy scowled in reply, anger and hurt coating his words. Tears formed in his eyes as he clenched his fists.
"I don't know, okay!?" Tay yelled back "I-I don't know. I'm not good with the whole comforting thing, especially not when I'm upset too"
"It's my fault," Jack whispered "I shouldn't have let my dad say those things, I should've stopped him from going to the bathroom...Tay it's all my fault"
'Why is Jack blaming himself?' Alex thought to himself, confused. With every tear that fell down Jack's cheeks, the worse the pain in his heart became.
'This is all because of me...my friends are upset because of me...I really am dead. I don't want to be dead! I want to be alive and hug Tay, and kiss the living shit out of Jack. I can't believe it...I'm fucking dead...I killed myself'
'Please tell it's a bad dream. I'll wake up in my room with my stuff and people will be able to see me. I can't be dead, I can't!'
Desperately, Alex shut his eyes and pinched himself hard on his forearm several times, in the hope that everything will go back to normal. When he opened his eyes again, the site of the school hallways still lay before him. Except that most people were leaving for class now.
"See you later?" Tay gave Jack a small smile, turning to leave.
"I don't think so"
"I said, see you later--"
"I said I don't think so!" And with that, Jack walked off in the opposite direction, head still hanging low.
Alex followed him (being dead and all gives him a lot of free time), interested to find out where he was going. After a minute of walking, the pair arrived at none other than the tree house.
Just like every other time, Jack traced over the word 'Jalex' with his long fingers, before climbing up. Alex was about to climb up too, but heard footsteps heading in his direction.
"Jack!" A familiar voice called out. Jenna, definitely Jenna "Jack, wait!" The dark haired boy turned around to the blonde girl, who'd reached the tree already. Little did she know that Alex was stood beside her, listening to the entire thing.
"Jenna," he sighed "What do you want?"
"For you to get back down here, we need to talk" Jack rolled his eyes and reluctantly jumped down.
'Weird,' Alex frowned 'Jack is never rude to Jenna. No one is, to be honest. They're too scared of her'
"What do you want?" Jack repeated his question.
"Look, I understand how you feel about this whole Alex thing. The two of you used to be closer than close, and now he's gone...I guess what I'm trying to say is stay strong. I don't want you to go through depression a second time, the first time was hard for everyone" she answered, concern swimming through her eyes. Jenna pulled the taller boy into a hug. Alex couldn't help but feel extremely jealous. She's just comforting him, it's okay, nothing's going on, right?
"Thanks Jen" he mumbled into her hair. They pulled away after a few seconds, but were still standing quite close. So close that they could feel the other person's breath on their lips.
'Oh my god, no no no no--'
His thoughts were interrupted by Jack leaning in and kissing the blonde girl passionately. At first Jenna didn't respond, but then she started to move her lips against his, wrapping her arms around his neck.
Alex felt sick. His stomach turned uncomfortably and his heart was slowly falling to pieces, like someone took a knife and was twisting it around his insides repeatedly. Tears spilled out, drenching his face and shirt. He felt so so sick.
'Jack never liked me...he loved Jenna this whole time...I can't believe I thought he cared! Was he just leading me on this whole time? It was all a trick wasn't it? How could I be so stupid and think that anyone could ever love me, my own parents can barely tolerate me!'
'I guess me being dead doesn't matter, no one cares about me anyway'
Alex's arms were cleaned and bandaged up now, but Jack couldn't get the image of them earlier out of his head. So much blood, so many cuts. How can anyone as beautiful as Alex want to hurt themselves like that?
He remembered everything clearly. Scarlet liquid was splattered everywhere, painful against the harsh white colour of the bathroom. When Jack finally managed to break down the door, he wasn't prepared for that sight. Tears fell instantly as he dropped to the floor and tried to shake Alex awake.
"Lex, wake up! Don't be dead, please don't be dead..."
When he received no response, the dark haired boy searched frantically for a pulse. He found one, but it was faint, almost non-existent. With trembling hands Jack called an ambulance, and rushed downstairs to inform his parents on the situation. His mother was equally corcerned and started crying too. His father, on the other hand, was more concerned about the mess. Mr Barakat has always been an asshole, so Jack wasn't too surprised.
The ambulance arrived not too long afterwards, and quickly transported Alex's unconscious body onto a stretcher and into the vehicle. Jack asked if he could go too, seeing as he's the only one Alex really has at the moment.
Now they're here; Alex practically dead and Jack holding his hands and sobbing. The doctor had said there's a 60% chance of the brown haired boy making it, which sounds great. But then when you realise there's a 40% chance he won't, it's not such a happy ending. Alex is currently in a coma, but it's not severe (thank God), meaning that he should awaken in a few days. A few days was too long for Jack - he didn't want to go a minute without Alex.
"Wake up for fuck's sake!" He cried out. Obviously it made no difference, but every second that passed broke his heart even more. What if he never wakes up? What if something goes wrong and he dies whilst Jack isn't there?
'Oh God, I'll never get to tell him how I feel! What if he feels the same way too? I'll never find out since he'll probably die'
The door swung open. Jack quickly wiped his eyes to disguise the fact he was crying. Tay, Jenna, Rian, Zack, Alan and Austin all walked in together, and gasped at Alex's almost lifeless form. There was a sad and uncomfortable silence as, everyone took in what was going on. Jack's text message had been very brief, so no one was expecting it to be this bad. The bandages on Alex's wrists gave it away.
"Jack, what happened?" Tay spoke up after a while. Jack proceeded to tell the group, from Alex's parents to the blood covered bathroom, but leaving out the kiss. There was another silence afterwards.
"How long have you been here?"Rian asked.
"12 hours" he shrugged as if it was nothing. It's true; the dark haired boy had been by Alex's side from 8pm to 8am. Much to his dad's disapproval.
"Thought so" Rian threw a packet of crisps at him. He was grateful though, he barely ate dinner and hasn't had food since. Zack sat down in the seat beside him and placed a comforting arm around Jack's shoulder.
"It's okay Jack. Alex will wake up soon and everything will be alright"
The rest of the group came over and joined in to form a huge group hug, reassuring each other that Alex will be fine. Of course, it was just fake optimism. No one knew for sure whether he'd make it through or not.
-x-
Alex woke up in his own bed, the morning sunlight shining onto his face. His alarm clock (the 7th one he's had this month) read 10:47am. Weird, he always wakes up in time for school, and if not his mum would wake him up. How is he even here; didn't he attempt suicide in Jack's bathroom? The scars on his wrists were gone completely, as if last night never happened. But last night did happen, right? Apparently not, so it seems.
The brown haired boy stretched his arms and looked around. For some reason all of his belongings were gone, apart from the furniture, making the room look extremely plain.
"Who the fuck touched my stuff??" He exclaimed in disbelief. Outraged, Alex stormed out of bed and down the stairs to the kitchen. Surprisingly, no one was here. His mum was usually home. What's going on? Alex looked down and realised that he was still wearing the same clothes from his suicide attempt, including shoes. Everything was so strange.
"I need to ask the others about this" he sighed in disbelief, before walking out the front door all the way to school. It was break anyway, so no one will notice him slipping through the school gates. The atmosphere didn't feel loud and lively like usual, it felt...dead. As he continued through the corridors, all Alex could hear was his name, slipping from everyone's mouth. It's as if no one had realised he was there.
"I always knew he was still an emo freak" the brown haired boy heard a jock scoff. A jock that used to be his friend. Wow, talk about two faced.
"Suicide seems a bit extreme, but at least it's one less goth in the world" some blonde girl shrugged in agreement. Wait, what?
"I'm right here!" Alex cried out, flailing his arms to draw their attention. They seemed to not even acknowledge his presence. Okay, that's rude.
'Why is everyone ignoring me?'
Alex noticed a familiar figure walking to their locker, head hanging low. She moved slowly, and wore an expression of pure misery on her face. Tay! Tay will explain what's going on! Moving past crowds of other students, Alex called out to the brunette girl.
"Tay! TAY!" Surprisingly, she didn't even hear his pleads. Tay looked up momentarily in his direction, but seemed to be looking through him rather than at him.
"Taylor Kathleen Jardine, answer me!" Alex's shouting grew more and more desperate. How can Tay not hear him? The brown haired boy is practically screaming in the small girl's face! All of a sudden, Tay's eyes widened, like she recognised him or something. Relief flooded through him - at least one person isn't insane here!
"Jack! Over here!" She called out, looking past Alex completely. Alex swivelled round to see none other than Jack Barakat, shuffling over to his brunette companion, looking even more upset than Tay did. His face was mainly hidden by his raven black hair, but the tear stains on his pale cheeks were clearly noticeable. It broke Alex's heart to see his best friend so emotionally shattered. Alex reached out to hug him, but ended up walking through him instead. What the fuck is going on?
"It's gonna be okay, Jack" Tay reassured him with a shaking voice.
"What's going to be okay? Alex is fucking dead! How can anything ever be okay now?" The dark haired boy scowled in reply, anger and hurt coating his words. Tears formed in his eyes as he clenched his fists.
"I don't know, okay!?" Tay yelled back "I-I don't know. I'm not good with the whole comforting thing, especially not when I'm upset too"
"It's my fault," Jack whispered "I shouldn't have let my dad say those things, I should've stopped him from going to the bathroom...Tay it's all my fault"
'Why is Jack blaming himself?' Alex thought to himself, confused. With every tear that fell down Jack's cheeks, the worse the pain in his heart became.
'This is all because of me...my friends are upset because of me...I really am dead. I don't want to be dead! I want to be alive and hug Tay, and kiss the living shit out of Jack. I can't believe it...I'm fucking dead...I killed myself'
'Please tell it's a bad dream. I'll wake up in my room with my stuff and people will be able to see me. I can't be dead, I can't!'
Desperately, Alex shut his eyes and pinched himself hard on his forearm several times, in the hope that everything will go back to normal. When he opened his eyes again, the site of the school hallways still lay before him. Except that most people were leaving for class now.
"See you later?" Tay gave Jack a small smile, turning to leave.
"I don't think so"
"I said, see you later--"
"I said I don't think so!" And with that, Jack walked off in the opposite direction, head still hanging low.
Alex followed him (being dead and all gives him a lot of free time), interested to find out where he was going. After a minute of walking, the pair arrived at none other than the tree house.
Just like every other time, Jack traced over the word 'Jalex' with his long fingers, before climbing up. Alex was about to climb up too, but heard footsteps heading in his direction.
"Jack!" A familiar voice called out. Jenna, definitely Jenna "Jack, wait!" The dark haired boy turned around to the blonde girl, who'd reached the tree already. Little did she know that Alex was stood beside her, listening to the entire thing.
"Jenna," he sighed "What do you want?"
"For you to get back down here, we need to talk" Jack rolled his eyes and reluctantly jumped down.
'Weird,' Alex frowned 'Jack is never rude to Jenna. No one is, to be honest. They're too scared of her'
"What do you want?" Jack repeated his question.
"Look, I understand how you feel about this whole Alex thing. The two of you used to be closer than close, and now he's gone...I guess what I'm trying to say is stay strong. I don't want you to go through depression a second time, the first time was hard for everyone" she answered, concern swimming through her eyes. Jenna pulled the taller boy into a hug. Alex couldn't help but feel extremely jealous. She's just comforting him, it's okay, nothing's going on, right?
"Thanks Jen" he mumbled into her hair. They pulled away after a few seconds, but were still standing quite close. So close that they could feel the other person's breath on their lips.
'Oh my god, no no no no--'
His thoughts were interrupted by Jack leaning in and kissing the blonde girl passionately. At first Jenna didn't respond, but then she started to move her lips against his, wrapping her arms around his neck.
Alex felt sick. His stomach turned uncomfortably and his heart was slowly falling to pieces, like someone took a knife and was twisting it around his insides repeatedly. Tears spilled out, drenching his face and shirt. He felt so so sick.
'Jack never liked me...he loved Jenna this whole time...I can't believe I thought he cared! Was he just leading me on this whole time? It was all a trick wasn't it? How could I be so stupid and think that anyone could ever love me, my own parents can barely tolerate me!'
'I guess me being dead doesn't matter, no one cares about me anyway'
♠ ♠ ♠
(Title credit: Sleepwalking by Bring Me The Horizon)This chapter's really sad hah I'm a terrible person