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It’s a good day. It’ really fucking cold out, the snow on the ground completely iced over and dangerous. But the sun’s shining, and the dog next door isn’t barking obnoxiously, and Matt doesn’t have any plans to venture outside anyway, doesn’t need to worry about slipping on the icy walkway and hurting his back. It’s relatively warm inside, once he gets enough blankets with him on the couch, and it’s good. It’s really a good day. So far, at least.

Jack comes bounding down the hall, running and sort of stomping on the ground which is something Matt has told him many times he really hates. It makes the ground shake a little and he doesn’t want the people in the apartment below them to complain about Jack, the grown adult, and his roughhousing. They complain about enough of the other things they apparently do wrong. But he figures he’ll let it slide this one time, because Jack is practically skipping over to him, a smile on his face, and it’s a wonder he hasn’t slipped yet on the hardwood floor, he’s moving so fast. It’s not so much of a wonder anymore as Matt steals a glance down to see Jack isn’t wearing socks again, even though he always complains about his feet freezing. Another thing Matt will have to remind Jack, the grown fucking adult, to do. Wear socks so your toes don’t freeze and break off.

“Matty, I have to-,” Jack begins, but just a moment later he’s pausing to take a breath. Because half-heartedly jogging down the hall really gets him winded. Matt rolls his eyes and mutes the TV while Jack just sits there and attempts to regain his composure. When he seems to finally have it all under control, whatever “it” is, his smile is still stuck on his face and he’s climbing under the mass of blankets Matt is buried under. It’s kind of annoying because hey, he was totally using those and he just let all the cold in, even for just a moment. And then Jack’s feet are pressing to Matt’s ankles and fuck, okay he was right, his toes are really freezing and Jack’s going to break the world record for being the first person to get frostbite in his own home. But he doesn’t say anything, just lets out a sigh huffily as Jack gets himself situated and prepares to listen to whatever Jack’s on about.

“I wanna talk. Can we talk?”

“The floor’s all yours.” Matt replies. He still wants to be irritated for being interrupted, but the show he was watching was stupid and now, just the sight of Jack beaming at him so widely has a smile spreading across his own face too. A small one, just so Jack doesn’t think he’s won whatever victory he’s prepared to fight for. Matt figures he’s gonna ask to buy something again, just like last week, when he begged to get some pair of limited edition skis online just because,”they looked so cool.” Jack’s never gone skiing in his life.

“Okay, like, I don’t know what you’re gonna say, um…” Jack looks down at his hands, his apparent confidence lost even though the excitement is still burning in his eyes. Just like his toes burning cold on Matt’s fucking ankles.

“Just spit it out, baby.” Matt encourages, staring at him with an eyebrow raised.

“But what if you… I don’t know if you’ll-,” He stops himself again, and it’s such a typical fucking Jack move. He’s always so excited to tell how his stupid shopping trips went, or what he saw happen at the grocery store, but everytime he starts his voice gets quiet and usually says, “nevermind.” It’s kind of cute, Matt thinks, but it happens so often now that it’s nearing more tiresome than adorable.

“Jack, if you don’t tell me, I will lock you outside in the cold until it’s time for dinner.” Probably the most empty threat Matt could’ve offered. They don’t even have a set dinner time, usually they both forget to eat all day until it’s two in the morning and they have bowls of cereal while watching reruns on TV. Nevertheless, it gets Jack smiling a little more again, and his fingers keep fidgeting on top of the blankets in his lap as he looks up at Matt, catching his gaze. And he normally doesn’t really like to make eye contact, so Matt knows this is something he’s really serious about. Maybe he’ll ask for two pairs of skis this time.

“Alright, alright I just… I’ve been looking it up online a bit, ever since I thought about it like, maybe this is something we could really do, you know? But of course I have to ask you because I couldn’t just… I don’t know, just don’t freak out, okay?”

Matt nods. He’s kind of scared to know what’s gonna happen next.

“I think- um, I think we should look into adopting.”

Well that’s definitely not what Matt was expecting. The smile Jack had unintentionally brought to his face falls completely, and pretty quickly too. It sucks to see Jack’s own grin falter in turn, but he has to set things straight. A gentle approach won’t get the point across, no matter how much he doesn’t really want to let Jack down.

“Jack, we’re not getting a kid.” The words come out a little more harshly than he’d intended, but they were out in the open now, and he couldn’t take them back. And maybe he could’ve done without the slight laugh he let out in disbelief, could’ve held back the scoff of disapproval. But really, he just couldn’t help it. The idea alone was pretty stupid, he thought, but for Jack to think of making it a reality? And actually believing Matt would go through with it? It was just unrealistic, for one thing. And so many kinds of wrong. Matt hardly felt sorry for telling it like it was.

Jack’s not smiling anymore. He’s furrowing his eyebrows and looking quite sad, now completely avoiding Matt’s gaze.

“Well… why not?” He mumbles to his lap, and Matt still thinks he’s cute but he’s also still feeling slightly irritated, so he just sighs again and doesn’t even say sorry as he prepares himself for the speech Jack apparently needs to hear.

“Because. Kids are annoying, they’re messy and loud and ruin and break things. And they’re so high maintenance, what makes you think we have the time to deal with something like that?”
Jack shrugs, voice still quiet. “I don’t know, I didn’t think of all that stuff too much. I just thought you would support me with this.”

Okay, that’s totally not fair of him to play the support card. It’s not like Matt doesn’t cater to all his weird wants and wishes whenever he can, not to mention some strange fucking kinks in the bedroom that Jack always seems to pull out of thin air. Jack seems to forget this though as he sits there and pretty much sulks, probably trying to guilt trip Matt into just giving up and saying yes. It unfortunately just isn’t that simple, though, and even if it was, he doesn’t feel like he’s ready to agree to that kind of thing anyway. And he won’t say it out loud, but he doesn’t feel like he’ll ever be ready.

“Don’t fucking say that, this isn’t just something I can “support” you on. This isn’t like painting the walls a different color or choosing what restaurant to eat at. It’s a fucking life decision, a big one, at that. You really thought I’d just give in without a thought of the future?”

“I know all of that, I just didn’t think you’d react like this. You’re always so good with all of our friends kids, you- you play with them, and you like it, I thought that was a pretty good sign that someday you might want one of our own.”

“Well, you thought wrong. That’s different, they’re someone else’s problems at the end of the day, not ours. I hate to ruin your plans but… we just can’t handle something like that. It’s not a possibility, maybe even financially, too. And I’m tired enough dealing with what all we have going on now, let alone some… some child running around causing problems.”

Matt spits out the word child so disdainfully that it makes Jack’s heart break, knowing he should just give up at this point. No matter what he hoped or what he thought, it turns out that Matt wasn’t as excited about it as he was. Or, really wasn’t excited at all- he seemed to absolutely hate the idea of starting a family. Which really fucking sucked, if Jack was honest. He’d been looking into this for a while, researching all the things he needed to know, ready to answer every question Matt might have for him. But there weren’t any questions, he didn’t even give Jack a chance. He just crushed all of Jack’s hopes and dragged him back down from where he was dreaming and wishing in the clouds, all in one go.

“They wouldn’t cause any problems, Matty…” He all but whispers, hope completely lost, though he thinks it wouldn’t hurt to keep trying. Usually Matt can’t resist Jack when he calls him that, but this time around he just rolls his eyes again, shifting on the couch and kicking Jack’s feet away from him. He’s always in the way of everything, causing too many problems.

“You don’t know that Jack, you don’t know what they could do.” He mutters, throwing all the blankets off of his legs and moving to get off the couch. Maybe he’s stomping a bit more than necessary and that makes him a sort of hypocrite, he guesses, because he was definitely about to tell Jack not to do the same exact thing earlier. But fuck it, he’s angry, and he has a god damn right to make as much noise in his own fucking apartment as he wants to. Fuck the neighbors, and fuck Jack, seriously.

He retreats to their bedroom without even a glance towards the boy still seated in front of the TV, though he does grumble a few words under his breath, something like, “get a fucking kid. he can’t even take care of himself.” Jack pretends not to hear. He pretends he’s not even upset about it all, though he doesn’t know who he’s trying to fool. It’s stupid to think that, even after all of that, he doesn’t want Matt knowing how miserable that conversation made him feel. As if after all the cursing and put-downs and angry words, Matt didn’t deserve to feel guilty. Jack shrugs to himself, bringing his knees up closer and curling in on himself, half hoping all the cushions and pillow and blankets will just swallow him whole. He’s embarrassed, he’s upset. But he’ll just pretend that he’s not.

/////

Later into the week, Jack is still pretending. Once Matt finally did emerge from the bedroom, he acted like nothing even went down, so that’s what Jack chose to do as well. Come to think of it, Matt never even apologized, either, but like hell Jack was going to be the one to bring up the entire conversation and piss him off again. Matt was always so stubborn, which meant it took weeks sometimes for him to finally forgive Jack for whatever he did to make him mad again. It wasn’t even that big of a deal. Jack just wouldn’t ever get the picture perfect family, future, and life he’d always thought of having. Whatever.

Except it’s not whatever. He’s been hiding it pretty well, but sometimes Jack just snaps, because he’ll never admit it, but Matt puts him through a lot. It’s not Matt’s fault, it’s just that he’s kinda tough, and doesn’t really give a shit about most things. But Jack… Jack is really different. Well, he plays it off like he’s not, tries to just grin and bear it. Like when Matt tells him to shake it off when he burns his hand, or when the hickies on his neck and thighs actually really hurt the day after but Matt just laughs and says, “Looks like I did some good work.” In reality, Jack’s actually sort of sensitive, though he feels as though he’s not allowed to act like such a fucking baby whenever things get kinda shitty. Which is the exact reason why when he started crying over not being able to adopt a baby, and when he felt like the tears wouldn’t stop any time soon, he made sure Matt was still out at the store first before letting it all out.

He just didn’t expect him to be home so soon.

When Matt first walks through the door, he doesn’t even suspect anything is wrong. He’s humming something from the radio and unzipping his coat as he moves into the kitchen, setting down the few grocery bags on the counter. He doesn’t even see Jack; it’s what he hears that gives him the notice that something definitely isn’t right. Matt doesn’t think he’s ever really heard Jack cry, because the most he’s ever seen from him is a few stray tears from when his great grandpa died. But he doesn’t need to have already known what it sounds like, exactly, because there isn’t anybody else in the apartment and that’s definitely Jack making those sounds and they don’t sound good at all.

“Jack?” He says quietly as he turns into the living room, eyes widening a little as he sees the boy just sitting on the floor, back resting on the coffee table, his knees up to his chest and his head in his hands. Jack seems to tense up when he hears Matt call his name, but his shoulders are still shaking, like he can’t get them to stop. In no time at all Matt’s rushing over to him, sitting at his side, gripping his thigh.

“Baby, talk to me.” Is all Matt can think to say, because he’s never been the best at being comforting and sweet and all of that. He thinks for a second that maybe he should ask if Jack’s hurt or something, but he figures that’s not the case. Though he sort of, in a completely not-horrible way, wishes that’s what it could be. Because then he could just wrap up whatever cut Jack had accidentally given himself- Jack’s never been good at that kind of thing -and it’d be over. With whatever was happening now, though, he had to try and be all affectionate and… that just wasn’t his thing. He liked to fuck rough and kiss Jack on the cheek rather than his lips and birthdays always fucking suck for him because gift giving is really hard when you don’t know how to be sentimental. He just hopes he doesn’t upset Jack even further by not really knowing what to do.

Jack shakes his head, and Matt isn’t sure whether it’s a response or what. But soon he’s rubbing his hands over his face a few times and taking in a deep, shaky breath and he moves his hands. Matt didn’t know he could feel such heartbreak as Jack slowly looks up at him, eyes puffy and glossy with tears, bottom lip trembling and just- fuck.

“Shit, are you alright? Tell me what’s the matter and I promise I’ll make it better.” He states quietly, praying he can keep his promise and that no one just died or something. Because he just can’t bring people back from the dead. He can hardly tell Jack he loves him without getting slightly flustered and all embarrassed.

Jack just shakes his head again, still staring at Matt with those eyes, his nose red and his cheeks all wet. He sniffles a bit before speaking with a slightly trembling voice, and Matt sort of wishes he’d never even asked, it hurts so much to hear and see him like this.

“I just want to be a dad.”

Fuck, of course that’s what this about. He’ll admit that he’s a little confused that Jack’s on about this now, that he didn’t cry or anything when they were initially talking about it. He doesn’t really have time to think about it too much though because Jack hiccups a little and he rests his forehead on his knees and goes back to crying. It such a shitty feeling, even more than it was before, for Matt to know that he’s entirely the cause of those tears.

Matt lets out a sigh, a sort of, “I don’t know what the fuck to do but I have to do something” sigh. He runs his fingers through Jack’s hair, staring at the top of his head with sad eyes while he tries to think of the right thing to say.

“I’m sorry, baby.”

He probably could have thought of something better.

“No, don’t- don’t say that. Because you’re not. You don’t really care what I want, because it’s not what you want so it doesn’t even matter.” Jack lifted his head again after the first few words, staring Matt down with those eyes that held this little bit of fire inside them now, this hurt and angry and confused flame that almost made Matt want to take a step back. He’d never seen him like this, so worked up and fragile yet fucking angry. If he weren’t so surprised he might’ve actually taken the time to reconsider his words and actions from that night and realize that he could’ve handled the situation much better than he did.

“Jack-,”

“Stop, let me fucking talk, you never- you never let me say anything.” Jack says, his nose stuffed up as he wipes his eyes with the back of his hand. Matt’s so taken aback that all he can do is just nod, say, “Okay” and let Jack finish.

“I know I’m not good at anything, I know you think I can’t do anything right and that you don’t think I could handle taking care of a kid. But this would be different. It’s not the same as when... I fucking make all the whites in the laundry pink or when I slam the door and wake you up from sleeping on accident. I just want to be a dad Matty, I wanna start a family with you, it’d be such a big step for us, because I love you so fucking much and I need you to want to do this with me.”

Jack finally ends his little spiel and takes a moment to breathe in again, finally looking away from Matt as he sniffles with pink cheeks. He looks as though he can’t believe he actually stood up to Matt, and really, Matt entirely understands. Because he can’t really believe it either. The way Jack just kept going on and on, waving his hands a little and shaking his head as he spoke, it makes Matt think a little, remembering what he said to make Jack so upset in the first place. Which is new for him, because usually once he makes a decision, it’s said and done, he doesn’t think about it again and definitely doesn’t change his mind. But he figures this is something that definitely deserves a little more thought than he’d originally given it. In high school he’d always told himself he wouldn’t ever have kids, but that was before Jack. And Jack is way more important than some stupid opinion he had as a teenager.

“It takes a few years for the whole process to go down, anyway. It wouldn’t be some immediate change, we’d have time to prepare…” Jack speaks up once more, a lot less worked up than he’d been before, his sudden boost of confidence essentially gone. But Matt’s not any less ready to drop the conversation now. That’d just be mean, okay. It’s so obvious now just how much this means to Jack and he’s not going to do that to him again.

Matt smiles at just how persistent this boy is, and really, at how fucking cute he sounds, mumbling as he avoids eye contact and rubs at his nose with his sleeve. He presses his fingers to the side of Jack’s face, running his thumb gently across his cheek before moving his face so he can look at him properly. And Jack looks kind of scared but kind of hopeful all in one and Matt’s reminded exactly why he loves this boy so much. With a smile still on his face he leans forward to kiss Jack’s forehead, and then his nose, and his cheek, whispering against Jack’s skin that he loves him. It’s almost too quiet, as if he’s sort of hoping Jack doesn’t hear him. Because he doesn’t say it very much, but that’s exactly why he says it. He just doesn’t say it enough. Maybe that’ll be another thing he can look forward to in the future, once they move along from all of this.

“I know you’d be a good dad. But how about, just for right now, we get a cat or something to start us off. Is that an okay compromise?”

Jack grins in an instant, his face lighting up and his head nodding up and down quickly. He thinks for a split second that he shouldn’t think of this as such a victory, but it’s progress. Matt hardly gives in to anything, he’s so stubborn, so this is a huge step for them and they both know it. He’s considering it. This could very well happen, someday. Matt can’t help but smile back before Jack’s leaning forward, pressing his lips to the other boy’s maybe just a bit too forcefully, but Matt’s so content in that moment he hardly notices or cares. He’s just glad he can finally give Jack what he wants, throw away his whole tough guy act for the boy he loves. And maybe later down the line, he’ll have a lot to handle, but he knows he won’t regret it. As long as Jack’s happy.