Your Knife, My Back...

Chris and I spoke for hours on end about silly little things really. He spoke about some of his band stories of how they've all been caught wanking, and how they made Ricky drink someones pee when he was drunk. That story made me cringe a little but it was still funny to listen to. I liked Chris, he was a gentle giant. He looked scary but really, he was a puppy. He told me about his band members and how nuts they were, and how they were like one big family. I felt relaxed around Chris and it was nice. I haven't felt relaxed in so long that I can't remember what it feels like. I wasn't relaxed when me and Alex first had sex, which was obviously because it was my first time and I was nervous as hell. I certainty didn't feel relaxed around Oli. I don't know what it was but I was always on edge with him, like something was going to happen. I think I worried about him and Amanda getting back together and I had to go into survival mode. Yeah, I know that sounds extreme but being around her is like a fucking video game, you had to doge all her moves and survive her attacks. She was vicious and didn't care who she hurt on the way; long as she got what she wanted. It was almost 11 and half the guys were drunk, stripping down to their boxers. I mean, I didn't mind but it was awkward as I did have a boyfriend and didn't wanna look at another mans body whilst being with him.

Oli stumbles over towards me, a beer in one hand and a fag in the other

"Ello" he slurrs

"Hello Oli" I giggle at his drunken state

"You sayin ere tonight?"

"If that's okay? I don't know what time Alex will be home" I sigh. I wonder if he was still mad at me?

"Yeah! You can have your old room" he smiled. My old room? I think he means the one I stayed in for like a week

"Sure" I smile at him

"Yeah. The boys love it when you stay. That's all they ever fucking talk about"

"I'm sure they don't Oli. You're being dramatic" I laugh

"Eh, they do! Jordan, don't you lot love it when she stays?"

"Yeah, it means Oli can stop talking about you for five minutes" smirks Jordan and winks

"Aye, I don't always talk about er"

"You fucking do mate" he laugh. Oli gets up to go and argue about it with Jordan. I watch as they both have a debate about who talks about me more, like I wasn't here at all. Jordan smirks and me and mouths watch this. I nod and watch to see what Jordan was going to do. He picks up Oli and thrown him into the pool. Oli surfaces pushing the hair back from his eyes. Without realizing I bite my lip seductively. Its only when Chris sits next to me and points it out I realize

"It's okay to be attracted to him you know" he smiles opening his beer

"I'm not" I say a little more defensive then I intended

"Surrreeeee" he says elongating the word

"I have a boyfriend Chris" I say pushing him playfully

"Doesn't mean you can't look though" he says waggling his eyebrows

"Well, I don't want to"

"Sure you don't" he says sarcastically

"I don't!" I squeal

"Whatever you say Dakota" he chuckles sipping on his beer. I didn't want to look at Oli in that way. He was a friend and that's all he was to me. I didn't even know why I was biting my lip like I was. I was happy with Alex and that was it. I had eyes only for him. I should really call him actually. I pull out my phone from my pocket and dial his number

"Yes?" he says coldly

"Hey babe. Just checking to see what time you're home tonight?"

"I don't know, why?"

"I miss you" I admit. I do miss him. I missed his touch

"Yeah, I miss you too" he says dismissively

"Is that it?"

"I, Uh yeah, I guess. I love you" I say sadly

"I love you too" he says before hanging up on me. I throw my phone on the floor and run towards the back of the garden. "Fuck sake" I sob sitting on the floor and hugging my knees. I hear footsteps following me. It was Chris and Vegan.

"Wanna talk about it?" asks Chris sitting next to me and pulling me into his chest. Vegan sits the other side of me and gives me a reasuring smile

"No" I sigh

"Then listen" says Chris

"D, have you ever thought that maybe he isn't the guy you knew?"

"Please don't" I sobbed harder into my chest

"I don't like him" states Vegan rubbing the back of his head

"You don't know him" I mumble into Chris' chest

"What if I told you I did?" I spring up and give Vegan a confused look

"How. I call bullshit"

"Not bullshit sweetheart. I knew him from school. He was an ass to girls. Treated them like shit and used them for sex..."

"He's not like that now" I say refusing to believe what I was hearing

"He might not be... Please be careful?" he says worry crossing his eyes

"Careful how?" Damn well knowing what he meant

"Just.. I don't know" he said pushing his hair back from his face like he was holding back from saying what he wanted to

"Yes you do, tell me" I demand

"Well, it might be nothing but... I saw him with Sara the other day" my heart sinks into my chest. What was he doing with her? I thought they broke contact?

"Wh-What" I say as the tears force their way back out again

"I mean, it might be nothing. He could have been ending it fully" I could see he wish he hadn't said anything now

"He said he didn't want anything to do with her anymore..."

"D..."

"Don't. I need to go home" I say stumbling up from Chris' lap. Chris grabs my waist and pulls me back down to him. His grip tightens around me as I fight to get free from his grip

"It might be nothing Dakota. You need to talk him with a level head, not with an alcohol one" I stop fighting knowing that he was right. I needed to sober up a little first before talking to him and jumping to any conclusions

"Chris" I whisper

"Yes?"

" Thank you"

"No need Darling. I'll always take care of you" I nuzzle my way into the crook of his neck and let his warmth consume me. Chris wraps his hand around me and pulls me in tighter. For the first time in forever, I let out the sadness that's been eating me up. I let the sobbing commence. A stream of tears fall down my cheeks as my breathing hitches in sobs. I feel Chris hush me as he plays with my hair to try and calm me down. I can't help but let out an angry scream. I can feel everyone look at me which I don't care about. I couldn't deal with this anymore. I couldn't deal with the feelings I had for Alex, as well Amanda being back in my life. The memories were still there, regardless of how hard I tried to forget them. I was so angry at myself for letting her get to me like she has. I was so angry for letting her ruin the friendship between me and the boys who saved me when I was vulnerable.

"Let it sweetie" whispers Chris still caressing my hair with his long fingers. I scream and cry till I can't do it anymore. The boys look at me with sadness filling their eyes. I let out one more sob before I rest my head on Chris' shoulder

"Better?" he whispers kissing my head softly. I nod

"Good" he smiles. Chris doesn't let go of me though. He hold me tight till he is sure I am calm enough to get back up

"Ready to go join the party?"

"Yeah"

"Lets go. First, lets wipe these tears" he says grabbing the hem of his blazer and wiping away my tears

"I'm sorry"

"No apology needed... Next time, talk to someone, k?" I nod

"SHE is not wort crying over"

"I know" I mumble

"Good. Now show me that beautiful smile" he says giving me a goofy grin that sends me into a fit of laughter

"What. Am I not attractive like this?" he says making a funny voice to add to the face

"Fuck No. You look hilarious" I giggle

"You sure?" he asks trying to hold back his own laughter

"You look constipated man" laughs Oli wrapping his arms around my shoulders

"Meanie" he pouts, sticking his tongue out afterward. Oli shrugs before making me turn round and face him

"Everything alright love?"

"Yeah" I lie

"Why won't you let me in?" he sighs stepping back. I could see the sad look on the boys face

"Oli.."

"Does't matter. Long as you're okay now" he says forcing himself to smile. I felt bad as he was only caring. I didn't want him to hate or judge me.

"It's cold, lets go inside" he says as we walk into his house. Oli flops onto the sofa letting out a deep sigh. The rest of them crowd around me giving my goodnight hugs. I walk over to Oli and sit down next to him

"Oli"

"yes Love?"

"Are you mad at me?"

"No, why?"

"It's just you seem to have become distant in the space of 5 minutes"

"I'm not angry Love. You're just so frustrating. I can't read you at all. One minute you're close to me the next you're distant. I don't get you" his sigh was deeper this time

"Oli, it's not so simple. I'm scared to get close to you. I mean sure, I am happy were are talking again but... You just have to understand that there are some things I just can't tell you right now"

"Why?"

"Because I can't!" I snap

"Can't you trust me?"

"I can Oli. It's not that simple"

"Then let me understand. Maybe I can help?"

"You can't help. No one can" I avert my eyes from his now

"I see..." he says like a shot puppy. The awkward silence falls on us as neither one says anything. Instead we both just stand there staring at different ends of the house. Well that's great. Oli is mad at me. This night couldn't get any fucking worse

"I'm going home now Oli..."

"Okay. Goodnight" he says letting me show myself out of the house. I decide to take the long route home avoiding going back to an empty house. I decide to walk past the park and let my thoughts wonder for a bit. I think about how far I've come since high school. I've got my own place, a loving boyfriend and some amazing friends I couldn't live without now. Oh, and I met my idols. I squeeze my eyes shut and stop walking. I let the air fill me with relief as the cold breeze washes over me. I loved the night, it was so relaxing and beautiful. The stars shone brightly and the City lit up magically. It was like a beautifully painted picture for the whole world to see. I was so glad to be part of something so breathtaking.

"Hello Dakota" says a voice that sent instant shivers down my spine. I flip round to see one of Amanda's friends standing there arms crossed

"Lilly" I mumble back

"I see you haven't changed at all"

"What do you want?"

"I see you've dug your slutty little claws into some poor guy" I whimper at the word slut

"I won't ask you again. What do you want?"

"I've come to deliver a message" she says starting to circle me throwing insults at me, I cower back into a bin. Lilly still circles me as she speaks

"Run home, there's a surprise waiting in the bedroom" I look at her confused. A surprise?

"And how would you know?" One work comes out of her mouth

"Amanda..." she whispers... Alex!

"Tick-tok goes the clock" she giggles in that vicious voice of her. I rush home to Alex. I swear to god if she's hurt him I will fucking kill the bitch where she stands. I push past the crowds of teenagers in hopes of getting home quick. I stumble over my own feet before regaining balance. I press the intercom and wait for Alex to buzz me in. When he doesn't, I use my key that he gave me. I didn't like using it as it wasn't actually my home. I was just spending a lot of time here. Oh god Alex, please be okay. I rush up the flight of stairs to his door and turn the other key, letting myself into his apartment. I slowly sneak into the flat, in hopes of catching Amanda where she stood. I sneak across the living room, passing the bathroom on the way. I make my way down the small corridor when I stop. I can hear noises from his bedroom. My heart starts to beat faster as I approach the room. I slowly let the door creak open. Nothing prepared my heart for what is was about to see and feel. I walk into the room to see Amanda straddling Alex, and Sara kissing his lips.

My heart sank.