‹ Prequel: The Alexander Swallowtail
Crush, Crush
Eleven
The excitement had been growing since mid-afternoon for the next gig after Clarissa and Gerard had shared a few quiet words and a hug earlier on, settling their conflict. It broke the tension everyone had been feeling, and things were looking up once more. It was going to be an amazing gig, and I found myself glad to be there to witness it.
"It's a sold out show tonight, guys," Ray announced as he re-entered the dressing room. "22,000 people!"
"Holy shit!" Frank bounced up from his place on the chair to hug Ray, and the others all joined in. "Will you girls be in the sidelines?"
"Of course! You know I always watch Mikey play!" Clarissa nuzzled her head into his shoulder. They received their 5 minute calling. The buzz in the air became more intense as they rushed around to finish getting ready before walking down the hall, hiding just out of sight backstage. The fire in Gerard's eyes was something else as the full force of the crowd hit them. Mikey gave Clarissa a quick kiss before slinging his bass over his shoulder and checking one last time that it was in tune. Frank and Ray were doing much the same with their own guitars on the other side of where I stood. And then there was Gerard, who was standing a little way back from the rest, staring at me. Was I in his way? Did he wish I wasn't watching? Or did I just happen to be in his line of sight?
The lights went out and the screaming intensified as one by one, each member of the band made their way on stage to varying levels of crowd excitement. Clarissa was screaming beside me as Mikey walked on stage and then out of nowhere, I felt a pair of lips pressed roughly against my own as fingertips glided into my hair. I'd barely had the time to catch my breath as Gerard was stepping away from me, a smirk on his face as he jogged out to catch up to his band.
"How the fuck are ya!?" he screamed into the mic. I could only stare. Clarissa had a look on her face that told me she'd seen what had happened and was somewhat confused.
"I guess he's a little excited?" she questioned into my ear as the guitars started up. I didn't know how to reply. My body was hot from head to toe.
The entire show had been magical. I'd even screamed along with the crowd at a few points and found myself jumping up and down with Clarissa as Gerard had instructed the crowd to "dance", although from where we were standing it looked more like 22,000 people on a sugar high.
They finished their set and after screaming their goodbyes and thanks at the crowd, it was all over. The crowd was beginning to quiet down. What were the sounds of excitement had quickly turned into the sounds of people rushing to get out, save for the few fans I saw by the stage, awaiting a setlist that a sound technician had just ripped from the stage floor.
"That was the best show in a long time!" Mikey exclaimed as we all made our way down the hall back to the dressing room. I felt a tug on my wrist as I was about to walk through the door and then found myself running further down the hall, pausing in a nook by a fire hydrant where Gerard had pinned me to the wall, his breath hot against my skin.
He didn't say anything as we caught our breath, his eyes still with that fire in them as they stared into mine. He was an absolute mess and it was beautiful.
"I feel so alive," he said, before cupping my face and capturing my lips with his in the same kind of heated kiss as before. I could only melt against him as his arms wrapped around my waist a little too tight and his tongue had me weak in the knees.
A part of me was worried someone might come looking for us. Another part of me couldn't have cared less. It was a good few minutes before we sheepishly made our way to the dressing room to join the others.
"Where did you get to?" Frank asked, the big grin telling me he already had a good idea. Neither of us replied as we went our separate ways. Gerard went to have a quick shower. I went to sit down before I collapsed. Clarissa found me a moment later.
"What's wrong with you? You look like you've just been ravished by a singer in a band," she said, her voice low enough so that only I might hear it. She pulled the corner of my top back up over my shoulder then and started to comb her fingers through my hair. "Look, it's none of my business, whatever you two are up to, but please be careful. There's a reason Gerard has been single most of his life, Ali, and it's not because he can't find a woman."
"I understand that," I said, but really, I didn't want to listen.
"Well good. And please, if you're going to be at it, don't do it on the bus. Be the responsible one, because he won't." I realised then that Clarissa clearly thought Gerard and I were more than what we were. What were we? We'd been two friends to share a kiss. Well, a couple of kisses. But he'd been excited, and I'd been caught in the moment. It wasn't anything like what she assumed. Still, I let her think what she would. I wasn't sure I could begin to form words just yet. I could still taste Gerard in my mouth.
The rest of my night had been fairly quiet for the most part as I waited out the back of the venue for the boys to finish packing their things, sucking on a much needed smoke as Clarissa kept her distance. There were still fans waiting on the other side of the fence with their albums and posters clutched in one hand, their phones in the other. I trusted that when I heard their screaming, the boys were finally out.
I watched as they politely said their hellos, signing things as they went along the line. Gerard was the last to walk along the line and the one most of the phones appeared to be filming as he talked briefly with a few people, then seemingly not at all by the time he was at the end. A young woman in green skinny jeans and an MCR shirt was screaming insults at Gerard as the band walked away. I was perplexed by the way everyone was just ignoring her. Had he said something nasty to her? Did he refuse to sign what she'd wanted? As they finally reached us to get on the bus, I could see the embarrassment in Gerard's face. He didn't look at anyone as he passed them and went straight into his bunk for the night. Still, no one but me seemed worried.
"Is he okay?" I whispered to Clarissa as she sat down beside me.
"Probably just someone he'd uhm... Well, you get the idea. She was probably pissed he didn't remember her name, or that he wasn't interested in fucking her again."
"Oh..." I couldn't shake the look he'd had on his face from my mind, like he was almost disgusted in himself. "You know he doesn't mean to be that way. Lonely people do drastic things to feel comforted." Clarissa looked at me, and I knew she knew I understood.
"I know. I just wish he wouldn't. I wish you wouldn't, either." It was subtle but that had been her showing her disapproval of whatever she thought it was we were up to. "One day you'll both find amazing people to love you, and you'll settle down. You just wait." She gave me a quick hug then before she got up to find Mikey, sitting down beside him as he sipped on a bottle of water, running her hand absent-mindedly over her little bump. At her words, my mind took me back to my days with Davey, days I wish I'd just forget already. I'd felt so worthless back then. Not a lot had changed.
"It's a sold out show tonight, guys," Ray announced as he re-entered the dressing room. "22,000 people!"
"Holy shit!" Frank bounced up from his place on the chair to hug Ray, and the others all joined in. "Will you girls be in the sidelines?"
"Of course! You know I always watch Mikey play!" Clarissa nuzzled her head into his shoulder. They received their 5 minute calling. The buzz in the air became more intense as they rushed around to finish getting ready before walking down the hall, hiding just out of sight backstage. The fire in Gerard's eyes was something else as the full force of the crowd hit them. Mikey gave Clarissa a quick kiss before slinging his bass over his shoulder and checking one last time that it was in tune. Frank and Ray were doing much the same with their own guitars on the other side of where I stood. And then there was Gerard, who was standing a little way back from the rest, staring at me. Was I in his way? Did he wish I wasn't watching? Or did I just happen to be in his line of sight?
The lights went out and the screaming intensified as one by one, each member of the band made their way on stage to varying levels of crowd excitement. Clarissa was screaming beside me as Mikey walked on stage and then out of nowhere, I felt a pair of lips pressed roughly against my own as fingertips glided into my hair. I'd barely had the time to catch my breath as Gerard was stepping away from me, a smirk on his face as he jogged out to catch up to his band.
"How the fuck are ya!?" he screamed into the mic. I could only stare. Clarissa had a look on her face that told me she'd seen what had happened and was somewhat confused.
"I guess he's a little excited?" she questioned into my ear as the guitars started up. I didn't know how to reply. My body was hot from head to toe.
The entire show had been magical. I'd even screamed along with the crowd at a few points and found myself jumping up and down with Clarissa as Gerard had instructed the crowd to "dance", although from where we were standing it looked more like 22,000 people on a sugar high.
They finished their set and after screaming their goodbyes and thanks at the crowd, it was all over. The crowd was beginning to quiet down. What were the sounds of excitement had quickly turned into the sounds of people rushing to get out, save for the few fans I saw by the stage, awaiting a setlist that a sound technician had just ripped from the stage floor.
"That was the best show in a long time!" Mikey exclaimed as we all made our way down the hall back to the dressing room. I felt a tug on my wrist as I was about to walk through the door and then found myself running further down the hall, pausing in a nook by a fire hydrant where Gerard had pinned me to the wall, his breath hot against my skin.
He didn't say anything as we caught our breath, his eyes still with that fire in them as they stared into mine. He was an absolute mess and it was beautiful.
"I feel so alive," he said, before cupping my face and capturing my lips with his in the same kind of heated kiss as before. I could only melt against him as his arms wrapped around my waist a little too tight and his tongue had me weak in the knees.
A part of me was worried someone might come looking for us. Another part of me couldn't have cared less. It was a good few minutes before we sheepishly made our way to the dressing room to join the others.
"Where did you get to?" Frank asked, the big grin telling me he already had a good idea. Neither of us replied as we went our separate ways. Gerard went to have a quick shower. I went to sit down before I collapsed. Clarissa found me a moment later.
"What's wrong with you? You look like you've just been ravished by a singer in a band," she said, her voice low enough so that only I might hear it. She pulled the corner of my top back up over my shoulder then and started to comb her fingers through my hair. "Look, it's none of my business, whatever you two are up to, but please be careful. There's a reason Gerard has been single most of his life, Ali, and it's not because he can't find a woman."
"I understand that," I said, but really, I didn't want to listen.
"Well good. And please, if you're going to be at it, don't do it on the bus. Be the responsible one, because he won't." I realised then that Clarissa clearly thought Gerard and I were more than what we were. What were we? We'd been two friends to share a kiss. Well, a couple of kisses. But he'd been excited, and I'd been caught in the moment. It wasn't anything like what she assumed. Still, I let her think what she would. I wasn't sure I could begin to form words just yet. I could still taste Gerard in my mouth.
The rest of my night had been fairly quiet for the most part as I waited out the back of the venue for the boys to finish packing their things, sucking on a much needed smoke as Clarissa kept her distance. There were still fans waiting on the other side of the fence with their albums and posters clutched in one hand, their phones in the other. I trusted that when I heard their screaming, the boys were finally out.
I watched as they politely said their hellos, signing things as they went along the line. Gerard was the last to walk along the line and the one most of the phones appeared to be filming as he talked briefly with a few people, then seemingly not at all by the time he was at the end. A young woman in green skinny jeans and an MCR shirt was screaming insults at Gerard as the band walked away. I was perplexed by the way everyone was just ignoring her. Had he said something nasty to her? Did he refuse to sign what she'd wanted? As they finally reached us to get on the bus, I could see the embarrassment in Gerard's face. He didn't look at anyone as he passed them and went straight into his bunk for the night. Still, no one but me seemed worried.
"Is he okay?" I whispered to Clarissa as she sat down beside me.
"Probably just someone he'd uhm... Well, you get the idea. She was probably pissed he didn't remember her name, or that he wasn't interested in fucking her again."
"Oh..." I couldn't shake the look he'd had on his face from my mind, like he was almost disgusted in himself. "You know he doesn't mean to be that way. Lonely people do drastic things to feel comforted." Clarissa looked at me, and I knew she knew I understood.
"I know. I just wish he wouldn't. I wish you wouldn't, either." It was subtle but that had been her showing her disapproval of whatever she thought it was we were up to. "One day you'll both find amazing people to love you, and you'll settle down. You just wait." She gave me a quick hug then before she got up to find Mikey, sitting down beside him as he sipped on a bottle of water, running her hand absent-mindedly over her little bump. At her words, my mind took me back to my days with Davey, days I wish I'd just forget already. I'd felt so worthless back then. Not a lot had changed.
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Sooo who approves, and who's worried for Alison?