Crush, Crush

The smell of coffee reached me before daylight did as I awoke the following morning, the curtains still drawn, an empty space beside me that had long since gone cold.

I checked my reflection briefly in the bathroom mirror before I made my way into the kitchen, but I didn't find what I'd imagined. There was no Gerard sitting at my kitchen table with a coffee in one hand, one of Clarissa's trashy magazines she'd left here in the other. I wouldn't hear him greet me good morning with a cheeky grin. Instead, I was greeted with the same silent emptiness as on any other day, save for a dirty mug out of place on the table and the sound of the tap dripping as Gerard hadn't turned it off properly. At least he'd made coffee; that was something. I sighed and grabbed my favourite mug from the cupboard and poured, almost spitting it out on the first sip. He certainly liked it strong.

My shifts seemed to go even longer than usual when my mind wasn't focused on the task at hand. Try as I might, but I couldn’t get Gerard off my mind. Why did he leave me? Why did he always leave before something, anything, could happen? I tried to put myself in his shoes for a moment but it seemed an impossible task. Did anyone ever know what he was thinking? I wasn’t too sure he knew, himself.

I'd dropped only 3 plates the entire time I'd been working at the restaurant , and 2 of them had been today. Thankfully, I was only the kitchen hand. I hated to imagine dropping a plate on a customer, or even just in front of one. Still, I couldn't remember the last time I'd felt so embarrassed as I again picked up the broken ceramic from the floor, flashing an apologetic half-smile to my manager who looked on at me with something of pity in his eyes.

"Darlin', a word?" He motioned for me to follow him out back and then disappeared in that direction himself. Employed at any other establishment and I might have been worried, but Jon was the nicest man I'd ever worked for. I picked myself up off the floor and followed behind him, the door slamming harshly shut behind me.

"Alison, are you okay?" There was worry etched in his features. I wasn’t used to seeing such a dismal expression on his face. Jon was always the one smiling when no one else had it left in them as we finished cleaning up for the night, sometimes not leaving until close to midnight. Jon was always so happy. I was surprised it didn’t annoy.

"Oh, I’m fine!" I'd wanted the conversation to be over before it even began. Who even was 'okay' ? What was 'okay'? The look he was flashing me told me he didn't believe me.

"Your hands are shaking an awful lot today…" he trailed off. I spread my fingers out before me and watched as they wobbled, only slightly now, despite my best efforts to keep them still.

"I have a few things on my mind, that's all," I admitted, dropping my hands back to my sides. There was silence for a moment. Jon was trying to find a way to say something, and it looked to be proving difficult. Finally, he seemed to have found the words, running his hand through his hair as he cleared his throat.

"Look, I'm not gonna beat around the bush. I looked up your record shortly after I hired you and I know about the drug charges." I felt my stomach sink as I stood waiting for the words to follow. For the words that always followed. It wasn’t the first time I’d be fired due to my past behaviour. I opened my mouth to say something, what, I wasn’t sure, but Jon shushed me before I could begin.

"Don't... don't look at me like that. Don’t worry. I'm not firing you, Alison. I believe in second chances. Third ones too, sometimes. But I need to know if you're okay." He took a step closer to rest a hand on my shoulder. I'd never felt so embarrassed in my life. Sure, I’d been down recently, maybe even depressed, but to be so despondent that people thought you were on drugs… well… it was a new low for me. I used to be so good at hiding it. Perhaps it was just that at work, I felt no need to hide. I’d been under the impression that no one here cared if I didn’t turn up to my next shift. Turns out I was wrong.

"You went away for a month and you come back like this. Holidays are supposed to make you relaxed,” he smiled. “But you're not entirely here, and you're shaking, and I’m worried that… well I’m worried you’re using again. You used to have such a spark about you. I remember seeing it quite a few times.” I let out a small smile at that. As small a remark as it was, it was the nicest thing anyone had said to me in a while. "Please don't let this take over your life."

"Sir, I've been clean for 4 years, 2 months and 11 days." He stayed silent then, his brow furrowing slightly at this contradictory information. “I just…” I sighed, not sure if I wanted to mix my personal life with my work one. “I’ve got a lot on my mind. I’ll try not to take it to work with me again.” There was more silence as Jon stood staring at me, seeming to be trying to figure me out.

“As long as you’re okay. Talk to me if you feel like you’re drowning, yeah?” I nodded my head and finally, Jon appeared to drop the subject. He flashed me a quick smile before returning back through the door to the kitchen, leaving me alone out back to gather my thoughts for a moment.

I would not let him control my life. I repeated those words in my head again and again until I half way believed them. This was just a crush. Just a silly crush. It meant nothing more to him and so why should it to me?

---

I was repeating those same words in my head once again as I pulled up to Mikey and Clarissa’s place to find Gerard’s car packed on the curb and immediately considered going home. It wasn’t often that he came to our movie nights and out of all the nights he felt like coming, it had to be tonight. I’d wanted to unwind a little, perhaps get a little tipsy with Mikey. I’d wanted to forget about Gerard Way for one night.

"Alison! You're late!" An upset looking Clarissa stood in the doorway to her home as I slowly made my way out of my car, still not all that sure I wanted to stay. Paint stained her overalls and was splattered in her hair. Pink paint.

"I'm sorry, I got held up at work." I’d spent 2 hours sitting in my car in the parking lot, just to have somewhere quiet to think. I knew I’d be late, but figured they wouldn’t mind. Today felt a little different.

“You missed the news,” she said as I reached her, her hands resting on her tummy and a smile growing on her lips.

I sat in the middle of the spare room leaned against the back of Mikey, exhausted from painting. It appeared I’d arrived just in time to finish painting the last wall of what now looked much more like a nursery which Mikey deemed as fair, seeing as he’d painted the other three. Clarissa and Gerard had been working on a mural together which given their vastly dissimilar styles, was turning out absolutely beautiful regardless. They still had a fair bit of work to do but we were all tired and hungry and pizza felt like the only option at that point. Mikey had been on his feet in seconds once Clarissa gave him the okay to go order.

As we sat around on the lounge room floor discussing which movie to watch as we finished off the pizza, I couldn’t help but to wonder what things would be like once the baby arrived. Would Mikey and Clarissa still have people over for dinner? I'd heard babies were a handful but hadn't been around many to get a better understanding of the situation. I liked to imagine that things would go back to normal after a while. I wasn't one for change and I couldn’t bear the thought of being alone. Even despite Gerard’s appearance, tonight had been the best night of my week. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to that. I could only hope that they felt the same way.

I came back from my thoughts to an argument between Gerard and Mikey over the best Tim Burton film of all time. I wasn’t sure how to think of Gerard as he acted so… normal. He was in a dark place, dark enough to have him drinking again, and yet here he was, smiling and goofing around like nothing was wrong. I wished I could be so opaque. I wondered if anyone else knew he’d been drinking. I wondered if I needed to tell anyone. I wondered if he’d even meant for me to find out. I made a mental note to have a discussion with him later on. Being reminded of my own demons at work earlier had me realising how important it was to talk about these things.

“Oh come on, it’s clearly Batman!” Gerard continued to argue as Mikey listed off every other movie he deemed to have been better.

“Have you even seen Beetlejuice, Gerard?”

“Have I even seen Beetlejuice? Mikey, who the hell are you talking to, seriously.”

“Okay guys, really. Enough. I’ve changed my mind – I don’t want to watch a Tim Burton film anymore,” Clarissa chimed in.

Mikey ended up picking something at random from their movie collection and we each found somewhere comfortable to sit. I plopped down onto one of the sofas and got myself comfortable beneath a warm blanket. It didn't pass by Clarissa's eye as Gerard decided to sit right beside me, or of how we ended up sharing the same blanket half way through the movie as Gerard grabbed some from where it had bunched up between us. I wondered what made him so bold all of a sudden, after having said hardly a word to me all night. Perhaps he’d been worried I was going to spill his secret to everyone and ruin what was otherwise a perfect night. Perhaps I thought about things a little too much.

My mind went blissfully blank for a moment as I felt Gerard rest his hand on my leg, gently massaging my thigh beneath the covers. Again, my thoughts returned to the morning. I wanted to ask him why he couldn’t have stayed. There had to be a better explanation than that he simply didn’t care.