Crush, Crush

"This has to stop. I don't want to see her get hurt. You have to tell her this is the end."

My eyes flickered open from what felt like a strange dream and I found myself snuggled up to Gerard's shoulder, his body as firm as stone beside me.

"What time is it? Did I fall asleep?" I slid myself upright a little and rubbed my eyes, opening them again to find they'd somewhat adjusted to the dark. "Where are Mikey and Clarissa?"

"They went to bed a little while ago. I told them I'd wake you soon, but you looked like you needed the sleep." He was staring ahead at nothing as he spoke, his voice gentle, yet not peaceful, giving me the impression that something must have happened as I'd been sleeping. Perhaps the movie had a sad ending. I hoped it wasn't that I'd been snoring, or drooling, or talking in my sleep. My cheeks flushed at the thought.

"I have to say something to you," Gerard announced, bringing his hand up to comb through his hair, removing some from where it had fallen in his eyes. I waited but nothing else came from his lips. I dared to sneak a glance across at him to find his expression troubled, his brows furrowed and his mouth opening and closing again with uncertainty.

"Is it about the other night?" I asked, unsure as to whether I wanted to hear it or not. Gerard sighed, finally looking in my direction.

"You know what? It doesn't even matter. We should get going though. I feel weird being here with them asleep."

"What do you mean it doesn't matter?" I was ashamed by how upset his comment had suddenly made me. Did nothing ever matter to him?

"I mean, that after careful consideration, I don't even care anymore. I really don't. I'm tired of people projecting a personality onto me from one incident, one mistake. Nobody knows who I am anymore because they're stuck believing their own lies. And I'm tired of trying to change their minds." I felt somewhat guilty of doing as he described, especially after he'd admitted why he'd let me go those many years ago. But things were changing. Things had changed. I knew Gerard to be a much more complex person than people seemed to give him credit for.

"I don't mean to..." I began, but Gerard shook his head.

"No, no I don't mean you, Alison. I know you know me. I'm not sure if you know that and I admit I try to keep you at a comfortable distance when I feel you figuring me out. But this isn't about you. You're wonderful. It's everyone else that's the problem." I couldn't help but to smile at his words as he spoke them, feeling a warmth spread its way throughout my body. He smiled back in return as he saw me, showing some of his tiny teeth as he did so. He definitely didn't smile enough, that was for sure.

"C'mon, let's get out of here." I let Gerard help pull me up off the couch and kept my hand in his as we made our way to our cars, stopping beside mine as we reached the end of the drive.

"Don't worry about other people, Gerard. There's no use in worrying. In the end, you have to do what makes you happy and if that's quitting the band to write a comic then so be it."

"That would be part of it, yes."

"What's the other part?" Gerard didn't answer. He smiled once again and I felt the cold metal of my car press against my back as he continued to move towards me, his arms either side of me as he pressed his body gently to mine. I wasn't sure if it was just that it was so cold outside but when he finally pressed his lips to mine, our kiss made me feel warmer this time than any of the others. He let his tongue run gently across my top lip before he pulled himself from me, much to my disappointment. It had been a while since I'd been kissed like that. I think as he moved to stand a normal distance away from me that he could somehow tell.

"Tell me, Gerard..."

"Tell you what?" he asked gently, his whisper reaching me in the gentle breeze of the night.

"Tell me that you care." He was silent for a moment. I closed my eyes, fearing the tears that might spill from them if I heard the wrong words in reply. I felt a warmth all around me as Gerard had wrapped me in his arms, his hand gently stroking my hair as I allowed myself to melt right into him.

"Of course I care," his voice whispered into my ear. "I care about you, Alison. I care about you a lot." Despite my best efforts, my tears were staining his shirt. He must have felt them as he pulled me away after a moment and cleared them away with his thumbs, his hands either side of my face. "Don't you let anyone tell you otherwise." I shook my head.

"They couldn't if they tried."

---

My heart ached as I made my way into bed, knowing that I needed to sleep so I'd get up for work but realising that it wasn't possible in my current state as my mind raced with a million thoughts, most of them connected to the one thing. I rolled over to find a more comfortable position, deluding myself into believing that would actually help, and smiled as Gerard's cologne faintly filled my head, all the while slipping a little deeper into the thoughts paining me. I wanted him beside me. I wanted his arms wrapped around me as he repeated the words he'd said to me what still felt like only moments ago in whispers into my ear.

I'd really been asking a lot more than I had. I'd been asking if what we had mattered. I'd been asking for him to validate my feelings for him. The manner in which he'd responded had me sure that he knew the weight of his response; that it hadn't been a careless question I'd have him reply to all for the sake of making conversation. And he still chose to repeat those words.

There had been a spark in his eye as he wished me a good night, and the blush that softened his cheeks as he told me he'd never get to sleep, either, had me smiling all over again.

He cared about me.