Crush, Crush

I was sitting on my couch in my living room, drinking the wine that Clarissa and Mikey had brought with them for our weekly gathering. The more I thought about the last couple of months, the luckier I started to feel... well, when a little tipsy and with good company, at least. There was no loneliness in a moment such as this; that would creep up on me later in the night as they left for home and I stayed behind. But I enjoyed having a place all to myself. I was finally home again in New Jersey and everything felt right again.

Since I moved out of my aunts when I was 17, far too young and far too poor, I'd been renting with other people. At first, it was with my boyfriend at the time, Andy, and a few of his friends, Davie included. When Andy and I inevitably ended as it seemed most things too good to be true did I fell straight into Davie. We worked together in all the wrong ways to try and make things feel right; we were each other's broken pieces. I had a lot of regrets in the form of drunken, drugged up fragmented memories of nights that might have been several, and days that turned out to be weeks. Davie was in most of these. Clarissa had been right to call me out, and to tell me the cold hard truth of it all. I'd been heading in the wrong direction, and she helped me out of that. She was there for me as I sobered up, and just about pushed me through the doors to rehab. But I loved her for that. I really did.

After that whole ordeal I'd moved around a lot. I met a lot of people this way, the good and the bad, but I knew my limits that time around. I understood when enough was enough. I spent a few years living with a couple, two girls, who had probably been my favourite flatmates thus far. They were quiet, and it made me lonely, which is how I ended up finding Davie all over again. And again... and again. What Clarissa didn't know wouldn't hurt her and she may not have ever found out I was still friends of sorts with Davie had Mikey not opened his big mouth. He ended up telling her I was staying with him for a while and I'd been forced to explain to a hysterical Clarissa that it was only until I was to move back to Jersey. It had somewhat ruined the surprise. Needless to say, she drove me down there the night they both got back from their honeymoon to pick up my things. Thankfully, most of it had still been in boxes from when I'd been kicked out of my flat and hadn't quite got round to unpacking.

"Well it's getting pretty late," Clarissa commented, letting out a yawn not a moment later. As she was driving, she hadn't been drinking, and I failed to realise how tired it could make someone having to deal with a couple of drunks all night.

"You should make Mikey drive next time so you can drink." Clarissa's eyes darted across to him as she blushed.

"Well actually, I'm not drinking right now..." Mikey reached for her hand and nodded his head. For a moment there, I was utterly confused.

"We're expecting, Alison. I've wanted to tell you but we wanted to be sure before-"

"You're having a baby!?" I could barely hold my excitement, or maybe that was my liquor. "Congratulations, guys!" I reached across the couch to engulf them both in a hug.

"It feels so good now that it's out," Mikey said, the relief clear in his voice. "Wait 'till I tell my parents. They're gonna freak!"

Our evening had ended on such a high that the comedown was inevitably going to be the worst. I waved at their car as I stood in the doorway, wrapping my jacket around myself a little tighter as the cold finally hit me for the night. I made sure to slide the three latches across and deadlock the door upon closing it... The downside to living alone was that the only places I could afford to live on my salary were not in the best of neighbourhoods. It hardly mattered to me though. I had no kids to care for and hardly any belongings worth stealing. Most of my furniture was either second-hand or already here when I moved in.

I sometimes felt a little embarrassed by my situation when I had Mikey and Clarissa over. They had been my only guests thus far. Making friends at my new job had been a difficult task and I wasn't sure it would ever happen. Everyone seemed to have their own agenda there. But I knew my friends weren't judging me as I sometimes thought they surely must be and in the end, it hardly mattered what material crap anyone owned. As long as they were happy... and that was much easier to fake. But I couldn't lie to myself, the only one any of it mattered to.

As I got into bed for the night and turned off the lights I tried to imagine that one day I'd have someone to sleep beside. They'd gently stroke my hair as they hummed me a lullaby to get me to sleep and when I woke, they'd still be there. The tears spilled over in my eyes. I wept for myself. I wept for my situation. My two best friends were having a baby together. They were going to have a little family and I had no one. Immediately I was filled with guilt as the realisation hit me once more that I'd been back in Jersey for months now and still hadn't found time to visit my mother's grave.

Although it wasn't time I lacked. It was strength. Though it was much easier to tell yourself you hadn't the time, as opposed to telling yourself you hadn't the strength. You couldn't do it alone. She was your mother, and you were too afraid to visit her...

Imagine what she'd think of you now, Alison Wilkins.

I pulled the covers up closer to my chin and waited for sleep to come find me. To consume me. It didn't visit me that night.