Beautiful/Terrible
Promises
I went over to Allen’s house after he was finished driving everyone else home. We walked over the threshold and went straight to his room, not bothering to say hello to his parents. We didn’t bother putting on our clothes- I wanted to be close to him, as close as humanly possible. If that meant skin on skin then so be it. Allen pulled back the curtains around his bed and we settled in, spooning. I felt his heart, slow and steady, pounding into my back. I thought of the life that coursed through our veins and I was reminded of something I once thought, it felt like sickness. We cuddled for a while, shrouded in the layers and layers of curtains. They were comforting, as if nothing could touch us, not even the rain. Allen suddenly spoke, breaking the silence, “Do you remember our promise, Leda?”
“Yes.”
“Let’s do it tonight, Leda, let’s end it all now,” he said, his intensity building, “Let’s find a way out of this endless shit.”
“Okay,” I said calmly. I didn’t question him. After all, there was nothing more I could give to this world, no more energy I could muster, and if living meant energy then that was something I was not prepared to do, and so I agreed once again, readily. I thought back to the day he initially asked me, how the plan was exciting and beautiful but scary and calming all at once.
“So how are we gonna do it?” I asked him.
“After this,” he said simply. He leaned forward and captured my attention, which he already held, by pressing his lips against mine. He slowly moved his lips against mine, creating a sync that belonged flowing from angels’ harps. Everything felt dirty and beautiful and in that sense it was pure. I reached up and ran my hands from his bald head down to the nape of his neck, rubbing small circles. As the kiss intensified I began to claw feverishly at his bare back, wanting all of him all at once. I felt his dewy skin beneath my fingernails, and I swore to God I would memorize the feeling. I wanted the memories of Allen to live on, even when my heart was a lump of decaying muscle in the ground.
Somehow knowing that this would be our last night alive made the situation more intense, more sensual. I slowly rose onto my knees and pulled his head up with me, moving to straddle him. I felt his tongue graze my lips and I readily opened my mouth, prepared for what was about to happen next, boy was I prepared.
I gently rocked against him, creating a delicious moan elicited from his glorious mouth.
I closed my eyes and let it happen…
I opened my eyes and looked across the sheets to where Allen’s sweaty body lay beside me.
“I fucking love you,” I whispered. He smiled at me sadly.
Slowly like a slinking cat, Allen rolled upwards into a sitting position. He got up from the bed and pulled me by my feet to the edge of the bed. He pulled me into his arms bridal style and carried me into the bathroom that was adjacent to his room. He placed me on the closed toilet seat and began to fill the tub.
“What’s that for?”
“Our means of an end,” he said with a warm smile.
The bathroom was all white tile and white porcelain, a blank canvas for strokes and splashes of violent red.
When the tub was filled he pulled me up and led me into the tub, where he sat me down on his lap. He started gently pouring water over my head, letting it saturate my hair, which he then began to stroke. His hands were all over my body, memorizing every contour before we would inevitably lose consciousness forever. He kissed the back of my head and then showed me a knife I didn’t know he was carrying. He must have taken it from the cabinet or something while I wasn’t looking.
“I love you, baby, more than my own life, though I guess that isn’t really saying much, but believe me I love you more intensely than any other thing I have felt in my life,” He told me with passion yet an eerie calmness.
“And I, you,” I told him truthfully,” These violent delights have violent ends, and in their triumph, die, like fire and power, which as they kiss consume,” I quoted. It described our relationship perfectly.
Before I could grasp what was happening, Allen slashed my thighs deep, and then his own. I screamed and he clamped his hand on my mouth, gritting his own teeth. I tasted his skin in my mouth.
I felt my blood draining quickly from the wound, he must have cut my femoral arteries. I could see the blood gushing from the wounds, his and mine together, and quickly turn the bath water into a deep blood red. I felt my heart rate quicken yet turn very faint and I felt very cold all of a sudden, stills shrouded in the warm water and blood mixture.
I weakly grasped Allen’s hands and laid there to die with him. I was prepared to endure the cemetery weather, raining down on me for the rest of eternity. I was prepared to be forgotten. I was prepared to be stepped on day by day, I prepared to take on all of death’s struggles if it meant I was with Allen.
Just then, I heard a pounding on the door. I heard Arthur yelling, begging God to be let in.
I swore to God a lot, it felt right, but I didn’t believe in him. I didn’t understand people who wished to be ruled by someone without question- God was just an existential dictator, one that I didn’t believe had the right to say what was wrong and what was right. If he was going to judge me for this, to hell with it.
The door swung open in a great commotion. Arthur had kicked in the door. I saw him running towards us, Shirley talking into the phone in the background, as my vision blurred into darkness.
“Yes.”
“Let’s do it tonight, Leda, let’s end it all now,” he said, his intensity building, “Let’s find a way out of this endless shit.”
“Okay,” I said calmly. I didn’t question him. After all, there was nothing more I could give to this world, no more energy I could muster, and if living meant energy then that was something I was not prepared to do, and so I agreed once again, readily. I thought back to the day he initially asked me, how the plan was exciting and beautiful but scary and calming all at once.
“So how are we gonna do it?” I asked him.
“After this,” he said simply. He leaned forward and captured my attention, which he already held, by pressing his lips against mine. He slowly moved his lips against mine, creating a sync that belonged flowing from angels’ harps. Everything felt dirty and beautiful and in that sense it was pure. I reached up and ran my hands from his bald head down to the nape of his neck, rubbing small circles. As the kiss intensified I began to claw feverishly at his bare back, wanting all of him all at once. I felt his dewy skin beneath my fingernails, and I swore to God I would memorize the feeling. I wanted the memories of Allen to live on, even when my heart was a lump of decaying muscle in the ground.
Somehow knowing that this would be our last night alive made the situation more intense, more sensual. I slowly rose onto my knees and pulled his head up with me, moving to straddle him. I felt his tongue graze my lips and I readily opened my mouth, prepared for what was about to happen next, boy was I prepared.
I gently rocked against him, creating a delicious moan elicited from his glorious mouth.
I closed my eyes and let it happen…
I opened my eyes and looked across the sheets to where Allen’s sweaty body lay beside me.
“I fucking love you,” I whispered. He smiled at me sadly.
Slowly like a slinking cat, Allen rolled upwards into a sitting position. He got up from the bed and pulled me by my feet to the edge of the bed. He pulled me into his arms bridal style and carried me into the bathroom that was adjacent to his room. He placed me on the closed toilet seat and began to fill the tub.
“What’s that for?”
“Our means of an end,” he said with a warm smile.
The bathroom was all white tile and white porcelain, a blank canvas for strokes and splashes of violent red.
When the tub was filled he pulled me up and led me into the tub, where he sat me down on his lap. He started gently pouring water over my head, letting it saturate my hair, which he then began to stroke. His hands were all over my body, memorizing every contour before we would inevitably lose consciousness forever. He kissed the back of my head and then showed me a knife I didn’t know he was carrying. He must have taken it from the cabinet or something while I wasn’t looking.
“I love you, baby, more than my own life, though I guess that isn’t really saying much, but believe me I love you more intensely than any other thing I have felt in my life,” He told me with passion yet an eerie calmness.
“And I, you,” I told him truthfully,” These violent delights have violent ends, and in their triumph, die, like fire and power, which as they kiss consume,” I quoted. It described our relationship perfectly.
Before I could grasp what was happening, Allen slashed my thighs deep, and then his own. I screamed and he clamped his hand on my mouth, gritting his own teeth. I tasted his skin in my mouth.
I felt my blood draining quickly from the wound, he must have cut my femoral arteries. I could see the blood gushing from the wounds, his and mine together, and quickly turn the bath water into a deep blood red. I felt my heart rate quicken yet turn very faint and I felt very cold all of a sudden, stills shrouded in the warm water and blood mixture.
I weakly grasped Allen’s hands and laid there to die with him. I was prepared to endure the cemetery weather, raining down on me for the rest of eternity. I was prepared to be forgotten. I was prepared to be stepped on day by day, I prepared to take on all of death’s struggles if it meant I was with Allen.
Just then, I heard a pounding on the door. I heard Arthur yelling, begging God to be let in.
I swore to God a lot, it felt right, but I didn’t believe in him. I didn’t understand people who wished to be ruled by someone without question- God was just an existential dictator, one that I didn’t believe had the right to say what was wrong and what was right. If he was going to judge me for this, to hell with it.
The door swung open in a great commotion. Arthur had kicked in the door. I saw him running towards us, Shirley talking into the phone in the background, as my vision blurred into darkness.