Beautiful/Terrible

It had been about a month since Allen and I had been admitted into the hospital. We would often hang out together in our rooms, which since the initial week were moved into the less intense section of the hospital. That meant that we each shared one closed room with no curtain, this time upgraded with a TV and personal bathroom.
We would often cuddle on my bed, which was closer to the TV, and watch comedy shows or sappy romance movies. If we weren’t doing that we were listening to music together or just chatting. We would often chat about each other and our emotions, it was nice to have someone to talk to.
We even talked about our future together. We dreamt of going to Norwalk Community College together, where he would become a college lecturer teaching philosophy and I would become a poet. For Allen’s PhD he would go to UCONN. We had it all planned out and for once I was genuinely happy.
Currently, Allen and I were spooning and it was cute because I was so small and he was so big, enveloping me in his body. I felt his warmth radiate throughout my body, passing through me. It was like a hot wind, the way it traveled through me. Pass.
“Read me some of your poetry,” Allen begged me for the millionth time.
‘No, it’s embarrassing,” I argued for the millionth time. We had had this conversation a million times.
“I’ll buy you opium,” he said with a wink. I contemplated the offer.
“Okay,” I said. Though I had vowed to myself never to do LSD again, opium was still fine in my book.
I reached under my mattress and pulled out a small book containing all the thoughts I could ever think. I opened it to a well-worn page:
“Blood is dripping down the clock,
We’ve been killing time.
Though our hands are stained red,
Our minds are still sublime.
We’ve wrecked this wretched city,
The day is closing fast,
We’ll kill the world in an,
Attempt to leave the past.”
“Whoa, I dig it,” Allen told me with a smile, “Gorey and sinister, with an underlying theme.”
I blushed and hid my face in my hands, shutting the book fast. He grabbed my waist and pulled me close to him from where I was sitting on the bed. He snuggled into the crook of my neck and started tickling my stomach, forcing a laugh out of me. Finally, when he relented I was left panting next to him, effects of my hysterics.
Once again he pulled me into him, laying his arm around my stomach, his other arm went behind my neck and came back around my shoulder. Nestled into him, I felt comfy and loved. It was spectacular.
Allen started singing to me, his voice gravelly and imperfect but cute just the same,
“I breathed your name into the air; I etched your name into me.
I felt my anger swelling; I swam into its sea.
I held your name inside my heart, but it got buried in my fear.
It tore the wiring of my brain; I did my best to keep it clear.
So, dear, no matter how we part, I hold you sweetly in my head.
And if I do not miss a part of you, a part of me is dead.”
They were lyrics I knew well- Andria, by La Dispute. They were sweet and I quickly pecked him on the lips in thanks, “You won’t need to love me as a friend,” I told him.
He wiggled his eyebrows at me and made kissy faces, “Oh, I know that.”
I laughed and pushed his face away from me with my hand, him feigning hurt. I grabbed him by the collar and pulled his face back closer to me, meeting in the middle for a deep yet sweet kiss. Much of our days went this way.
My mother, father, Shirley, and Arthur all walked into the room together. A nurse was with them and they stood around my bed, though we were both on it.
“”What’s all of this?” Allen asked.
“Today we’re moving you to an inpatient facility called Free Winds,” my mother said.
“No.” I said flatly.
“Well, I’m afraid you don’t have a choice,” she insisted, “You’re leaving in an hour.”
“I’m sorry, sweetie,” my father told me.
“What about me?” Allen asked.
“You’ll be doing the same,” Shirley said, Arthur nodding in agreement.
I closed my eyes. I refused to get worked up about this- I didn’t have the energy to fight this decision that had been so hastily made for me. I just laid there in Allen’s arms as they all filed out of the room complacently. We laid like that for the rest of the hour- we didn’t have things to pack, everything was at home.
I cried a little bit, and my tears soaked into Allen’s hospital gown.
Allen cried, too, and his soaked into mine.
Finally, when the hour was up, we were escorted to our respective parents’ cars. We were driven to our houses to pack. When I got to my house I refused to pack any clothes- I didn’t want them tainted with the clean of the facility. Besides, you couldn’t bring anything with lacing or zipper anyway. I did have to bring a toothbrush, shampoo, conditioner, and other toiletry-type things. When my minute bag was packed, in a whopping five minutes, I was led back into the car where I was driven to Free Winds.
The drive took about an hour as it was in Northern Connecticut. The road was smooth, which I hated, I always loved the cracks and bumps because they made it exciting- the vibrations flowing through me, releasing my energies.
Ronnie chatted away in the car, speaking about anything and everything while I resigned to a nap. I hated everything about this.
I woke up about 45 minutes later, just as we were about to arrive to the prison-like establishment. After a few minutes we pulled up into the large driveway that prefaced as grand brick building. It had to be eight stories high, and it seemed to loom over me, ever so ominous.
There was a circular terrace that hung above the main entrance, a long lineup of double doors. On top of the terrace were cafeteria tables, I assumed that was where we ate meals in the spring and summer. Hopefully I wouldn’t be here long enough to check it out.
Everyone swarmed out of the car, but I stayed behind. I wanted to collect myself before I entered. I could already see someone emerging from the building to escort me in, “welcome” me.
I took a deep breath. I didn’t want to go in without Allen. My mother came in to see what the holdup was, prepared to gently scold me. When she saw that I was crying, however, her face softened.
“Let’s go, sweetie, don’t make this difficult.”
“I want to wait for Allen,” I explained through sobs.
To my surprise, she obeyed, and turned off the ignition. She closed the car door and left me in peace. I picked at the lint on my sweater that I was wearing. It was Allen’s, and the only thing I wanted to keep. I planned on burning these pants when I was released.
About ten minutes later I saw Allen’s minivan pull up in the rearview mirror. I smiled painfully. I knocked on the window, signaling my mother’s attention. I rolled down the window.
“Can you tell Allen to come in here?” I asked her. She nodded and walked over to Allen’s car. I saw them talking for a minutes, before Allen slowly walked over to the car.
He pulled open the door, me expecting him to climb in. Instead, he pulled me into his arms bridal style and carried me back to his minivan. He laid me down on the backseat, putting me in head first, He then closed the door and walked around the back of the car, opening the door by my head. He crawled in and placed my head on his lap and we laid there together, staring at those eyes.
He played with my hair soothingly, rubbing circles in my scalp and twirling the strands between is fingers. It felt nice. Tickled.
I shifted my gaze from the eyes onto him, staring down on me from above. He looked like an angel. I felt as tear roll down my cheek and I smiled at Allen in reassurance.
He began to speak, “We’ll make it through this, Leda. We fucking will, I know it. We’ll make it through because I love you and you love me and I want you to marry me, and I don’t have a fucking ring because they’d find a lame-ass excuse to confiscate it, but that’s okay because we’ll still both love each other no matter what. You’re the only thing that matters to me,” I felt his tears drip onto my forehead.
“Marry me,” he requested again.
My heart swelled and my vision was spinning, my heart was beating so fast and yet my breaths were shallow, “Yes.”
He leaned down and kissed my forehead, gently, tenderly- with love and affection, as if I could break if he loved me too hard. I could.
He opened the door behind him and slid out of the vehicle, dragging me out by the shoulders. I let him and I wasn’t afraid anymore. When the majority of my bed was out of the car he picked me up, this time opting to carry with my legs around his waist. I leaned my head on his shoulder as he took me calmly into the facility.