Beautiful/Terrible
Home, Music, and Sex
I woke up to the uncomfortable sensation of having popcorn in your bra, and when I looked around I saw that I had somehow made my way into the kitchen last night and passed out, but I didn’t remember how. Fuck, we were so high and drunk last night- thanks to Courtney’s parents’ impenetrable supply of alcohol and everyone’s personal stashes of weed.
I made my way back into the living room to find Lexi cuddling a pillow and Courtney sprawled out in the middle of the floor.
Bored, I decided to see if anyone was up. Drew was the first to respond: “Hey, what’s up?”
I typed: “Nothing much. You have a show tonight, right?”
As I waited, I began cleaning up the mayhem that surrounded me. I started by picking up the empty bottles of alcohol and cups that were thrown around. Three teenage girls could definitely do some damage. Once those were confiscated I went back with a broom to sweep up the smaller things- crumbs, hair elastics, random crap that I don’t remember ever putting anywhere.
Once the room was only slightly messy I resigned from my position as maid and checked my phone again. One new message.
Drew: “Yeah! Are you guys gonna check it?”
I started typing a reply: “Of course, dude. What time?”
I waited around doing nothing for about an hour before I couldn’t take it anymore and I woke up Lexi and Courtney. Courtney was much easier to wake up, she only flipped me off before groaning and sitting up. Lexi on the other hand hit me in the head with the pillow she had been cuddling but nonetheless she eventually got up.
Drew and I kept texting and after a while I found out that him and his band, Merry Measure, where playing at some trashy venue in the industrial district of town at 11:00. Perfect.
I told Courtney and Lexi of the plans and they excitedly agreed, before we pondered what we would do for the rest of the day. Many suggestions were flung around before we finally decided to skateboard around downtown.
Courtney lived close to downtown where there was a mall and a park and a bunch of shops. It was a small bustling town of misfortune and it was great. We pulled our penny boards out of the trunk of Courtney’s Jeep and started rolling.
We did this often. There was something very calming about floating past the rest of the world, untouched by anything or anyone. You just relied on the skateboard to keep on rolling, keep on moving, and as long as it did that it was magical.
I could feel the vibrations from the road surging from my feet up to my knees, I felt at one with the world and with myself. I felt the layers of the earth’s crust break away and it felt like I was falling. I looked at the trees that lined the streets and they were the pregnancy, the infancy. They represented pain and hurt intertwined with life and love, and I thought the same thing when I saw a young mother trotting along with her small child in hand.
I thought how everything in the world was complicated but that was okay because there was only one thing that ever mattered when I was on my skateboard: keep moving.
But I didn’t.
I felt my front wheel catch on something and my body lurched forward in violent recognition and for a moment I was weightless.
And then I hit the ground.
All at once my every ounce of mass came crashing back into me and it felt like breaking through myself, ironically. It felt like every layer of myself, just like that crust of the earth, was breaking away and I was simply an animal, and it was great.
I heard shouts of shock around me, and felt arms on my body, checking for injuries, and I smiled with teeth of gorey red. Blood trickled from my nose into my mouth and it tasted like pennies, like metal, like money.
A few hours later I was healed and we were getting ready to go to the show.
Courtney looked like an Asian rocker princess and it was dirty and gritty and great. She wore leather high-waisted shorts and a red plaid corset underneath. She wore a grey cardigan over it.
Lexi wore a black lace maxi skirt and a baggy patterned long sleeve tucked in. It was sloppy and hot.
I wore nothing. We were currently contemplating my outfit with concentrated looks on our faces. Nevertheless, 15 minutes later I was walking out in a black romper with spaghetti straps and black thigh high socks. I threw on a silver and blue kimono over my shoulders and called it a day.
We piled into Courtney’s Jeep and drove to the venue. We were meeting everyone else there: Allen, Grace, and James.
When we pulled up into the grimy parking lot it felt like home. Just a bunch of fuckers hanging out in a fucked up place. The road was cracked and crumbling and everything smelled. There was mildew growing on the bottom half of the walls of the building. We entered.
Inside it was lit up lime green and everyone looked like sickly gods. The air was already filled with smoke from the people with cigarettes in the back. I looked onto the stage and there was Drew and his band, the Merry Measure. They had already begun and the sweat in the air let me know that the crowd was just as into it as the band was. I saw beautiful droplets of sweat spring off the ends of the drummer’s hair and it looked so beautiful. Of course it was gross, too. That’s what made it beautiful and terrible- finding beauty in disgust.
I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned around. Allen, James, and Grace had arrived. I looked up at Allen and how the lime light reflected off of his bald head and I reached out and touched it. I felt the stubble create rippling sensations. Those sensations filled me with life, life like poison, and I wanted to share it, and so I leaned up and gently kissed him. I gave him my life and he gave me his.
The kiss slowly progressed and I felt our lips move more and more aggressively against each other. I felt him lick my lip and I gently parted my lips, begging for him. I tasted cigarettes and lifesavers on his mouth and that taste felt like home, too.
We broke apart and looked back up at the stage. Drew was currently thrashing around with the passion of a fruit. I smiled and closed my eyes, enjoying the sound. They sounded like whiney angsty teens and it was great.
I swayed to the music, letting it seep into my skin and fester.
And if I never even mattered
Say our love was not the same
‘Cause if our feelings were mutual
Then surely I’m to blame
I felt the lyrics course through my veins like heroin, intoxicating me and holding me prisoner of their lament. The rest of the concert was a dirty amazing blur.
Courtney drove Lexi, Grace, and James home. Drew went home with his band members. Allen drove me home with him.
We pulled into his empty driveway and then went inside. This house also felt like home.
We went upstairs and cuddled in his bed for a while. My head rested on his stomach and he played with me hair, each strand holding his individual attention. I looked up at him and held his eyes in my gaze for a moment before leaning in and kissing him.
“Do you ever think about your eyes, Allen?”
He thought about it for a second. He didn’t have anything wrong with them, but one was blue and the other was brown. Heterochromia.
“Sure. They remind me of you. One side of you is a chocolaty mess while the other is crisp and cold.”
I didn’t take it as an insult because it wasn’t meant to be, and it was true. Allen knew me like nobody else did, but I wanted him to know me in a new way.
Maybe it was the dirty sex feeling of the show or maybe it was the vulnerability of the moment but I wanted him in a way I had never wanted anyone before and it was not in the romantic way.
And so I told him.
And that night we quenched a thirst within us that left my skin trembling and my lips bleeding and my heart fluttering and my fingertips gripping at the sheets.
It was strange when you had sex with someone. It wasn’t like in the movies and that was good. It was awkward and horrible but that was better. Life isn’t seamless or easy, and when you portray something as personal as sex in an effortless manner it makes the rest of the world feel incompetent and filled with doubt and uncertainty. This way was better. It was a mixture of human and beast and I loved every second of it, from when he was biting my neck and making me hum to when we lay breathing next to each other, dreaming about the past.
I reflected on the events of the past two days, and I closed my eyes and smiled. I did this a lot.
I reflected on Courtney and Lexi, my two best friends. They were so full of life. Sometimes I envied that of them, how they were perfectly happy with everything in their life, and yet the rest of the world was so deeply drowning in sorrow. I wondered how they managed to stay afloat.
I reflected on Drew, another one of my friends. I thought of his music again.
And if I never even mattered
Say our love was not the same
‘Cause if our feelings were mutual
Then surely I’m to blame
I felt enlightened, like I could see everything all at once and for a moment it didn’t hurt and that felt like home. Music felt like home. My friends felt like home. Allen felt like home.
Allen.
I thought of my life and my real home. I thought of how my parents were sweet but didn’t know how to help, and how my sister and I could never get along, and those thoughts didn’t hurt and I didn’t know why.
I wanted them to.
I made my way back into the living room to find Lexi cuddling a pillow and Courtney sprawled out in the middle of the floor.
Bored, I decided to see if anyone was up. Drew was the first to respond: “Hey, what’s up?”
I typed: “Nothing much. You have a show tonight, right?”
As I waited, I began cleaning up the mayhem that surrounded me. I started by picking up the empty bottles of alcohol and cups that were thrown around. Three teenage girls could definitely do some damage. Once those were confiscated I went back with a broom to sweep up the smaller things- crumbs, hair elastics, random crap that I don’t remember ever putting anywhere.
Once the room was only slightly messy I resigned from my position as maid and checked my phone again. One new message.
Drew: “Yeah! Are you guys gonna check it?”
I started typing a reply: “Of course, dude. What time?”
I waited around doing nothing for about an hour before I couldn’t take it anymore and I woke up Lexi and Courtney. Courtney was much easier to wake up, she only flipped me off before groaning and sitting up. Lexi on the other hand hit me in the head with the pillow she had been cuddling but nonetheless she eventually got up.
Drew and I kept texting and after a while I found out that him and his band, Merry Measure, where playing at some trashy venue in the industrial district of town at 11:00. Perfect.
I told Courtney and Lexi of the plans and they excitedly agreed, before we pondered what we would do for the rest of the day. Many suggestions were flung around before we finally decided to skateboard around downtown.
Courtney lived close to downtown where there was a mall and a park and a bunch of shops. It was a small bustling town of misfortune and it was great. We pulled our penny boards out of the trunk of Courtney’s Jeep and started rolling.
We did this often. There was something very calming about floating past the rest of the world, untouched by anything or anyone. You just relied on the skateboard to keep on rolling, keep on moving, and as long as it did that it was magical.
I could feel the vibrations from the road surging from my feet up to my knees, I felt at one with the world and with myself. I felt the layers of the earth’s crust break away and it felt like I was falling. I looked at the trees that lined the streets and they were the pregnancy, the infancy. They represented pain and hurt intertwined with life and love, and I thought the same thing when I saw a young mother trotting along with her small child in hand.
I thought how everything in the world was complicated but that was okay because there was only one thing that ever mattered when I was on my skateboard: keep moving.
But I didn’t.
I felt my front wheel catch on something and my body lurched forward in violent recognition and for a moment I was weightless.
And then I hit the ground.
All at once my every ounce of mass came crashing back into me and it felt like breaking through myself, ironically. It felt like every layer of myself, just like that crust of the earth, was breaking away and I was simply an animal, and it was great.
I heard shouts of shock around me, and felt arms on my body, checking for injuries, and I smiled with teeth of gorey red. Blood trickled from my nose into my mouth and it tasted like pennies, like metal, like money.
A few hours later I was healed and we were getting ready to go to the show.
Courtney looked like an Asian rocker princess and it was dirty and gritty and great. She wore leather high-waisted shorts and a red plaid corset underneath. She wore a grey cardigan over it.
Lexi wore a black lace maxi skirt and a baggy patterned long sleeve tucked in. It was sloppy and hot.
I wore nothing. We were currently contemplating my outfit with concentrated looks on our faces. Nevertheless, 15 minutes later I was walking out in a black romper with spaghetti straps and black thigh high socks. I threw on a silver and blue kimono over my shoulders and called it a day.
We piled into Courtney’s Jeep and drove to the venue. We were meeting everyone else there: Allen, Grace, and James.
When we pulled up into the grimy parking lot it felt like home. Just a bunch of fuckers hanging out in a fucked up place. The road was cracked and crumbling and everything smelled. There was mildew growing on the bottom half of the walls of the building. We entered.
Inside it was lit up lime green and everyone looked like sickly gods. The air was already filled with smoke from the people with cigarettes in the back. I looked onto the stage and there was Drew and his band, the Merry Measure. They had already begun and the sweat in the air let me know that the crowd was just as into it as the band was. I saw beautiful droplets of sweat spring off the ends of the drummer’s hair and it looked so beautiful. Of course it was gross, too. That’s what made it beautiful and terrible- finding beauty in disgust.
I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned around. Allen, James, and Grace had arrived. I looked up at Allen and how the lime light reflected off of his bald head and I reached out and touched it. I felt the stubble create rippling sensations. Those sensations filled me with life, life like poison, and I wanted to share it, and so I leaned up and gently kissed him. I gave him my life and he gave me his.
The kiss slowly progressed and I felt our lips move more and more aggressively against each other. I felt him lick my lip and I gently parted my lips, begging for him. I tasted cigarettes and lifesavers on his mouth and that taste felt like home, too.
We broke apart and looked back up at the stage. Drew was currently thrashing around with the passion of a fruit. I smiled and closed my eyes, enjoying the sound. They sounded like whiney angsty teens and it was great.
I swayed to the music, letting it seep into my skin and fester.
And if I never even mattered
Say our love was not the same
‘Cause if our feelings were mutual
Then surely I’m to blame
I felt the lyrics course through my veins like heroin, intoxicating me and holding me prisoner of their lament. The rest of the concert was a dirty amazing blur.
Courtney drove Lexi, Grace, and James home. Drew went home with his band members. Allen drove me home with him.
We pulled into his empty driveway and then went inside. This house also felt like home.
We went upstairs and cuddled in his bed for a while. My head rested on his stomach and he played with me hair, each strand holding his individual attention. I looked up at him and held his eyes in my gaze for a moment before leaning in and kissing him.
“Do you ever think about your eyes, Allen?”
He thought about it for a second. He didn’t have anything wrong with them, but one was blue and the other was brown. Heterochromia.
“Sure. They remind me of you. One side of you is a chocolaty mess while the other is crisp and cold.”
I didn’t take it as an insult because it wasn’t meant to be, and it was true. Allen knew me like nobody else did, but I wanted him to know me in a new way.
Maybe it was the dirty sex feeling of the show or maybe it was the vulnerability of the moment but I wanted him in a way I had never wanted anyone before and it was not in the romantic way.
And so I told him.
And that night we quenched a thirst within us that left my skin trembling and my lips bleeding and my heart fluttering and my fingertips gripping at the sheets.
It was strange when you had sex with someone. It wasn’t like in the movies and that was good. It was awkward and horrible but that was better. Life isn’t seamless or easy, and when you portray something as personal as sex in an effortless manner it makes the rest of the world feel incompetent and filled with doubt and uncertainty. This way was better. It was a mixture of human and beast and I loved every second of it, from when he was biting my neck and making me hum to when we lay breathing next to each other, dreaming about the past.
I reflected on the events of the past two days, and I closed my eyes and smiled. I did this a lot.
I reflected on Courtney and Lexi, my two best friends. They were so full of life. Sometimes I envied that of them, how they were perfectly happy with everything in their life, and yet the rest of the world was so deeply drowning in sorrow. I wondered how they managed to stay afloat.
I reflected on Drew, another one of my friends. I thought of his music again.
And if I never even mattered
Say our love was not the same
‘Cause if our feelings were mutual
Then surely I’m to blame
I felt enlightened, like I could see everything all at once and for a moment it didn’t hurt and that felt like home. Music felt like home. My friends felt like home. Allen felt like home.
Allen.
I thought of my life and my real home. I thought of how my parents were sweet but didn’t know how to help, and how my sister and I could never get along, and those thoughts didn’t hurt and I didn’t know why.
I wanted them to.