Hush Now, Heart of Mine

There goes a saying that states, "unrequited love can be survived in a way that once requited love cannot."

Alex'd heard it before, but never put meaning to it, never thought too much about it. Of course, he thought it was beautiful in a tragic, poetic kind of way, but the saying only crossed his mind once every so often because it didn't apply to him. Alex was one of the lucky ones; it would never apply to him.

Oh, he could never have been more wrong about something.

Alex and Jack had been friends since elementary school. They were an odd pair - Jack's nature being reckless and loud, while Alex's was small and silent. The 'opposites attract,' saying had shown true to the boys. They grew to be completely inseparable; connected at the hip, nearly. You never heard anything about Alex without Jack being mentioned along with him, and vice versa.

Middle school were the years where all the dating started, social statuses were announced and denounced, grades began to matter, and friendships were put to the test. All the trivial stuff and petty drama never mattered to Alex and Jack, though. They never got into any big arguments, they never fought over girls (quite frankly because Alex found himself more attracted to the male gender). It was never a big problem for either of the boys.

Throughout high school, this remained the same. Although the boys met new people, Alex and Jack had an impenetrable, unbreakable bond that no man, woman or child ("or dragon, or wizard, or princess," Jack would ramble when they were kids) could sever.

In their sophomore year, things got a little bit rougher.

Dating started to get more serious, and according to the other fifteen and sixteen year olds, vital. Neither Alex nor Jack were considered unattractive, and they had girl (and a select few boys, as well) tossing themselves at the two.

While Jack tried his hand at relationships, Alex would kindly decline each offer he was given. The Gaskarth boy quickly realized that he didn't have his eyes on anyone and he was pretty serious about his grades too. From that point on, he declared asexuality, and decided that relationships (and girls, and boys) were not his thing. He didn't party or go out, and that was fine with him. Alex was completely fine spending his weekends alone. He preferred it that way, anyway.

On the other hand, Jack had been more popular in the duo, whilst Alex had been the wallflower. It was fine that way; Alex liked to that way. Jack understood that Alex didn't like all of the attention, and Alex understood that Jack did. Alex worked as a mirror, in a way; everything that was sent his way, he sent Jack's way instead.

If Alex could recall correctly, Jack was dating a girl named Kate right now. He'd always talk about her - sometimes he'd bring her around. Alex didn't have anything against her. She was a very nice girl, and Jack enjoyed her company. For some reason, though, seeing him with her, it... hurt. The English boy knew it shouldn't have, but it did. Alex chose to ignore it, because it was probably nothing, anyway.

Alex didn't have anything against Kate until a Wednesday in May when he found Jack at his door in tears.

Seeing Jack hurting was a different kind of hurt, though. The other kind made his heart sink and his chest burn, while this kind made his heart throb and his lungs ache.

"Of course you can come in," Alex immediately said, even before Jack asked. He knew he would've asked, anyway.

The two found themselves in Alex's bed, Jack coming undone to a New Found Glory album that he'd suddenly forgotten the name of. Alex was doing the best he could to console the younger, and his best really didn't feel good enough right them.

"I really loved her," he'd sob, face burrowed in the thin elders chest, "I don't know, I don't get - I don't get what I did wrong. I loved her."

There was the return of the chest burning, heart sinking feeling again.

"I know," Alex would answer sadly, and the raven haired younger would continue his melody of tears.

Long after the CD had stopped playing, Jack'd fallen asleep while Alex's arms were still tightly wound around him, and he was pressing soft kisses into his hair, mumbling, "you'll be okay, you're gonna be okay. I love you."

Maybe that was the reason why the elders chest wouldn't stop burning each time he saw his best friend recently.

This was Jack's first heart break, and Alex's, too.

Jack and Kate had gotten back together sometime in junior year - Alex had stopped paying attention by then. Jack'd stopped bringing her around Alex, but the idea of her didn't stop hurting him any less than it did the first time around.

He felt completely guilty. Kate made Jack happy and he knew it. Jack's his best friend and he knows he should be happy for him. He can't help but wish it was him that was holding Jack's hand and getting to see the fluffier, more romantic, maybe even dirtier side of his best friend.

It made his temples thrombin, it made his lungs feel like they were on fire, and he hated it.

He decided to drown the feeling with Jack Daniels; maybe he'd feel better in the morning.

(He didn't.)

Senior year, Jack and Kate were still growing stronger. He'd started to bring her around again, and Alex continued trying to hide the fact that he coveted her relationship with Jack, and that he still resented her for reducing his best friend to tears. By now, it'd happened a few times.

Alex could treat Jack so well. He'd never make the younger cry. It hurt, that each time Jack was aching, he'd come to Alex. Still, the elder would hold him and tell him he was going to be alright, and every time it happened, he knew it'd happen again. History had a way of repeating itself.

By graduation, whiskey had become Alex's outlet, because Kate had become Jack's. The shorter boy really had nowhere to turn to - he didn't like Kate (he refused to add her on MySpace, he didn't give a shit how many times she sent the damn request) and he couldn't talk to Jack, at least, not about this. How did one say, 'I hate your girlfriend and I wish you loved me,' to their best friend, anyway?

After high school, Alex and Jack had drifted in the slightest. Barakat was traveling with Kate, while Gaskarth studied psychopathology in college. He wasn't drinking over his issue like he used to, but the aching was still there. At this point, he thought it'd always be there. Jack would send 'all his love' via post card, sometimes, when they hadn't seen each other in months.

Those days were the worst - Alex would check his mail, and in came a card that broadcasted whatever country they were in now, and how he sends all of his love. Those days, Alex got so drunk that he forgot his own name, but never Jack's.

The day Jack came home to Baltimore, Alex knew it was coming. He didn't know how to brace himself for the impact of the news, regardless or not that he knew it was coming.

"Kate and I are getting married," the younger beamed, a smile stretched as wide as Canada is long across his face. He'd been truly happy, and that's what made Alex feel the worst, "and I want you to be my best man."

The caramel haired boy plastered the most genuine smile he could and tried his hardest to look eager. It worked, too; Jack's smile never once faltered, and he didn't suspect a thing.

When the wedding rolled around, Alex didn't think it would be that bad. He thought he could face the situation because he'd realized Jack was going to be with Kate, never with him, and although it wasn't okay, he knew it. He thought it was going to be okay and it was, for a little while, but then it wasn't. In reality, it was the worst pain he'd ever felt, throughout all of his years of enduring this.

It was worse than the time they'd fought in freshman year and didn't speak for two weeks. It was worse than each time Jack fell apart in his arms. It was worse than when Jack broke the news he was going married, to someone that wasn't him.

Still, he stood there, hands folded, listening to Jack recite his vows. He didn't completely crumble (on the outside, anyway) when he heard the both of them say 'I do,' and he didn't completely crumble (again, on the outside, anyway) when they kissed and exchange the rings.

Alex crumbled over red wine and romantic music alone in the bathroom at the chapel and in his lonely bus that suddenly seemed too big for his thin body, but never once in front of Jack.

There goes a saying that states, "unrequited love can be survived in a way that once requited love cannot."

Alex had heard it so many times that it had practically become his Bible. He thought it to be beautiful and tragic and also vastly untrue, because he has been living with loving Jack, and it was the hardest thing he'd ever done, and probably will ever do.

Unrequited love hurts far worse than anything the slight boy's ever known, and he'd never wish that pain upon anyone.