Good Riddance

My days progressed in silence now. I felt trapped in my own home and to be perfectly honest it sucked. Due to my escapade on Tuesday in sneaking out to Billie’s I wasn’t allowed out on Thursday to my dance class. Mandy called my mum on Thursday morning and asked her where I was and my mum told her in no uncertain terms that I wasn’t allowed out due to my “behavioural issues”.

My bedroom had become my haven and because I didn’t have much choice but to stay in it – I made it as homely for me as possible. It remained clean but I had cut up pictures out of all the magazines I had accumulated over the past six months, from local band press release and issues of Vogue, colourful pictures now covered my walls. All things that caught my eye; some phrases, images and words. I had spent a decent amount of time covering the wall behind my bed and the wall by my dresser. My Juliet balcony door had been unlocked because my parents had decided I wasn’t going to try and leg it over the balcony, what did they know? My mother had had the trellis removed a few months ago which made it a ten foot sheer drop to the ground, bar the drainpipe about two metres to the right of my balcony there was no way down. I hadn't been desperate enough to take the risk yet but it was nice to know the option was there if I had to use it.

Today it was Sunday, nearly a week after I had seen Billie and I was alone at home. Well I say I was alone, my dad was downstairs but seeing as I hadn’t spoken to him, except to make some sarcastic remark or another, in nearly a month I considered myself alone. I had done all my work in the excess time I had on my hands and I had approximately nothing to do. I wanted to see my friends, I wanted to know how Jess was doing and what she was doing to combat her problem.

My parents had surmised that I hadn’t split up from Billie due to my absence from the house on Tuesday and therefore they were merely going to try and keep me in. If I couldn’t get out I couldn’t see him. This was their mentality on the subject.

I was currently lying on my bed with my diary and with the box of all my photographs of me and Billie. I had a few to add to the collection now. The thing is, Billie has an instant camera so whenever I went round these days we took photographs to have when we couldn’t have each other. Some of the photographs were merely of Billie pulling stupid faces at the camera, others were of him playing guitar or lying on the sofa or messing around with stuff around the house, others of the photographs were damn right pornographic. Yes, you did hear me say that right, well if I have to look at porn, I might as well look at it of my own boyfriend yes? There were several photos of Billie and I kissing, one of my neck as he paid skilled homage to it, several of us actually having sex (how we managed to think of photography at this time – I’ll never quite know), two of me giving Billie a blow job and several others of other things of the same ilk.

I was putting them in my diary on the days that they happened and writing little captions next to them (although the ones of having sex needed little explanation except ‘WOW’). I then turned to my diary and flicked through some of the entries of the past few months.

December 31st/Jan 1st

Well, that was a rather fantastic night to say the least. Mum thought I stayed at Jess’ again; I wonder how long it will take her to realise that only on a very rare occasion have a stayed at Jess’. Hopefully never. Billie and I, Mike and Kiera, Tre and Jess all went downtown, we started off the night in Gilman street having a party with one of the local new bands and then we headed out to the ice rink that’s downtown. You have to pay $2 to get on so it’s hardly expensive, they give you your skates and then you get to stay on for an hour. Kiera fell over, many times, but after a while she got the hang of it and was actually quite good – I managed to do a jump off the ice – how awesome is that?!? After that we went down to the bridge to welcome in the New Year. I HAVE NEVER SEEN SO MANY PEOPLE DOWN THERE! There must have been at least 500 people down there; in the arches, on the top of the bridge, on the banks of the river. We all counted down and then Theo let off some fireworks he’d bought which were pretty amazing for some amateur fireworks. After that I went back to Billie’s and we had some fantastic first-sex-of-the-year sex before we went to sleep and got woken by Ollie this morning (afternoon) who told me that if wanted my lie to feasible I would have to get up and go pretty sharpish (she was right it was nearly two o clock in the afters). I got home and had to make up a shipfull of lies to get away with it. I hope she never finds out. I couldn’t bear to lose Billie.

I wonder what this year’s going to be like? My first full year in America and it’s full of possibility for me – it’s nice to know that my parents are supporting me even though they don’t know about me and Billie. It’s like I’m leading two completely separate lives and I just have to hope that they never collide.

I made a derisive noise at my hopes for the new year. My two lives had collided and I realised that I didn’t have two lives at all, I simply had one and I had to make both sides of that life reconcile with one another or one side would get wiped out. I know which side of my life would be destroyed if my parents didn’t relent soon.

February 14th

SQQQUUUUEEE!! That was the best Valentine’s Day I have ever had. It was amazing – Billie took me to a really amazing restaurant – my head is still spinning and I can’t even really form coherent sentences to write it down so I can remember it in the future. It was so nice, I got dressed up and I saw Billie in a suit! I know right, Billie a suit? Admittedly he did have his tie undone but I didn’t care about that – he just looked crazy sexy. The restaurant was a candle lit, music job and our table was right in a window overlooking the darkened Lake Merritt. It was really beautiful. I can’t even remember what I had to eat now but he was a perfect gentleman all the way through. It’s his birthday in a few days as well – I’ve got him his present and it’s all sorted. I hope he likes it. He’s having a party next weekend which I’m looking forward to.
Anyway. Back to the night.
It started at eight o clock and he met me in a car. A car – he doesn’t have a car but anyway this one materialised at the end of my road and at first I was like WTF because it had tinted windows and then he rolled down the window. Squee.
By the by had an excellent evening and we retreated to his basement later. MMMMMMMM – should the amazingness of the sex have worn off by now? Nope. Anyway mum’s about to come in so I’ve got to go! Bye!

That was a good night, I remembered. Billie had looked good in a suit, he hadn’t worn one since – I might have to get him to wear one again soon. The amazingness of the sex still hadn’t worn off and I believed that it wouldn’t. I think it was more about the ultimate closeness rather than the novelty. I loved Billie.

February 16th

WHAT THE HELL – BILLIE HAS DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL.

That was all that was in the entry for February the sixteenth. I smiled at the entry. It had actually done us good in hindsight that he had dropped out, he was in a much better mood and he was devoting much more time to the band. He had their first EP all ready and now he just needed somebody to distribute it for them. He had gotten some contacts from the thing he went to in San Francisco and he had said he was going to be in talks with people all week. I wanted to know what was going on, but since I was stuck in here that was going to be difficult.

I sighed and shutting my diary I rolled onto my back. Maybe I would try to sleep away the weeks until something interesting happens.

**

Fuck.

This was the only thing reverberating around my mind right now. Where was it?!

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

This could not be happening.

***

It was Tuesday. I had to make myself certain of that – it was Tuesday. The reason I couldn’t be sure was because since I had been locked up all my days had melted into one. I couldn’t be sure whether I was coming or going. It was exactly one week since I had last seen Billie and it should have been here yesterday. But it wasn’t. It wasn’t here today either.

My breakfast was at the end of the bed and it had been there for about three hours. I hadn’t touched it. My mum had come in at one point to tell me that my teacher had arrived and I told her to fuck off. My teacher at the moment was Mrs Lewis, this was until they could find me a real one, due to this fact when I decided I didn’t want to be taught that day it meant they could have a natter and then go out together.

I wasn’t in the mood to be taught ever again. I didn’t think I wanted to move ever again. I was curled up in a foetal position on my bed. Maybe I was overreacting. I wanted to believe that with all my heart, this was down to the stress of being locked up and not having been out for nearly a week.
It would be here tomorrow.

It’s now Thursday and it’s still not here. I hadn’t eaten in four days through stress and worry, my mind was in overdrive and I could barely stand to look at a plate of food without feeling sick. My dad had tried to talk to me but to no avail, I had answered him relatively civilly but I didn’t have much mind in my head except for worry. I had to get out of here, I had to see Billie.

I still wasn’t entertaining the notion of –

NO! Stop. I couldn’t face it. I was kidding myself I knew I was, I had never been a day late in my life and yet here I was almost a week late. A week. It’s quite a short space of time but when you’re waiting for something it seems like eternity and what a thing to wait for. Still I was waiting for it and hoping and hoping. Why was I being punished?

There was a muted knock at my door but I didn’t move from my position on my chair. I saw my dad come in out of the corner my eye but I didn’t acknowledge his presence as he perched on the end of my bed, moving my uneaten lunch out of the way.

“Lettie” he used my nickname to address me, “Why haven’t you been eating?”

I ignored his question with a derisive noise and turned fully away from him. He didn’t move and after five minutes I turned around to face him and saw he was waiting for me to speak. I didn’t want to speak to him.

“What do you want?” I asked him.

“I want to you to start eating Lettie” he said, “And I want to know what’s been going on over the past week”

“Nothing’s been going on” I said numbly and turned away back to the window. I heard him get up and I thought he was going to leave but he didn’t.

“I want you to pack a weekend bag” he said. I turned around and looked up at him.

“What?” I asked.

“Pack a bag for five days” he said and left the room.

What the hell was he on about? I did what he asked as a sort of default and taking my large red weekend bag out of the closet I packed slowly and methodically. I put my diary in the end of my bag with my shoes. I picked up my bag and headed down the stairs. Everything was sort of happening in slow motion; where was I going?

Dad was by the front door and he opened it and told me to get in the car. It was nice to feel the fresh air on my skin for the few moments it took me to get from the house to the car door. I got in and put my bag in the back.

He started the car and reversed out of the drive, the sensor on the front of the car opening the gates as we sped through them.

“Where are we going dad?”

He didn’t answer but drove for another five minutes down familiar streets. I sat up a little straighter as we stopped down the end of a road I had walked over a hundred times.

“Dad, what?” I asked him.

“I’ve told your mother that I have taken you to Los Angeles for a long weekend to see T.A.P” dad said with a small smile, “This is the street he lives on, I want you to be back in this exact spot at eleven am on Tuesday morning”

I couldn’t even dare to believe him.

“Why?” I asked.

“Because I can’t stand to see you so unhappy Lettie, you’re not eating and it’s worrying me, you’ve withdrawn even more into yourself over the past week and I’m not going to ask why. I’m still of the opinion that young man is bad for you but if it’s a choice between him or letting my daughter waste away, I choose him.” he said.

I shook my head in disbelief at him, why the sudden turn of events? I wasn’t going to question him, I got out the car and got my bag from the back.

“What are you going to do then?” I asked.

“Make up some lies” he said with a twinkle in his eyes, “I’m staying in a hotel this weekend”

“Thank you so much dad” I said to him and kissed him on the forehead. I then walked on shaky legs down the road, I felt a bit weak carrying myself down the road, having not walked more than a few steps around the house in the past week.

It took me ten minutes to walk up to Billie’s path and I faltered in my steps. What was I going to say? It was hot out here, the end of April sun was beating down on the path and on me as I stood there. I didn’t realise how many minutes had gone past but I eventually shook myself out of my reverie and walked down the path.

It was Daniel who opened the door and he just smiled down at me. What was with the personality transplants in people today?

“Is Billie in?” I asked.

“Yeah he’s just downstairs” he said and with that he took himself back off to the lounge to watch the last half an hour of the soccer match.

I walked to the basement door and went down the stairs before knocking on his bedroom door. It opened immediately and Billie made a noise of excitement and swept me up in his arms with a laugh.

“Whoa!” I said, “Where’s the party?!”

“We’ve been signed!” he yelled ecstatically and I whooped in delight as well as he set me on my feet.

“By who?” I asked him, before kissing him.

“Lookout! Records” he said, “They’ve got our album and they’re going to release in about a week because it’s already finished and on weekends they’re going to put us on tour”

“Wow baby” I said and he caught my face in his hands and kissed me long and hard before he released me.

“It’s going to be so amazing” he said, “We’re actually putting out a record and we’ve got a growing fan base”

“Well done” I said with a smile. How was I going to talk to him after this news?

“Tre, Mike and Kiera went down to the bridge last night to celebrate” he said, “I tried to come and get you but I think you were asleep because all your lights were off”

I remembered last night, it wasn’t that I was asleep because all my lights were off. It was because I hadn’t bothered to turn them on as it got dark in the evening.

“What about Jess?” I asked him.

“She’s having a few problems” Billie said with a frown, “She went cold turkey on Monday”

“Are you serious?” I asked eyes wide, “That’s really dangerous”

“She’s doing well” he said, “She was just really bad last night”

“I hope she’s alright” I said, “Where is she?”

“At Tre’s” he said, “Her parents think she’s moved in with them”

“For real?” I asked sitting on his bed and dumping the bag beside it. Billie smiled and sat down beside me.

“How did you get here then?” he asked.

“My dad dropped me off at the end of the road and he’s picking me up on Tuesday” I said shakily. Billie held me then and hugged me too him.

“Scar!” he said after about five seconds and broke away, “You’re so skinny”

“Sorry” I mumbled to him and turned away from him.

“What’s been going on?” he asked.

“I haven’t really been eating much over the past week” I said, “I’ve been worried”

“Worried?” he asked.

“Yeah” I said and then started to cry. My hormones were all over the place and I think I knew why.

“What’s wrong Scar?” he asked pulling me back to his chest and stroking my face.

“I think I’m pregnant Billie” I said pulling away and standing up directly I said it. I didn’t want to be in his arms while he processed this information.