Good Riddance

I watched with apprehension as he took in this information. His face seemed to turn from shock, to disbelief and then finally to worry.

“Are you sure?” he half croaked at me, looking up. I shook my head.

“I’ve been locked in the house since I suspected and haven’t been able to make sure which is why I was worried” I said to him biting my lip.

“Well we gotta make sure” he said standing up suddenly and held out his hand for mine, “We’ll go get a test”

I nodded and half smiled at him looking for reassurance.

“It’ll be alright baby” he said. Why was he taking this so calmly? Maybe this was a symptom of shock; either way I was glad he hadn’t exploded in anger or stress. At least not yet.

**

It was now later. I was in the hallway with a pharmacy’s carrier bag in my hand and I felt as though my heart was being squeezed through a mangle. Billie locked the door behind me and motioned me up the stairs to the bathroom.

I hurried up the stairs and into the bathroom. Billie followed me up more slowly and I had already shut the bathroom door by the time he got to the top of the stairs. I opened the cardboard box and followed the instructions on the leaflet. I knew what Billie would be doing right now, he’d been leaning against the door jamb with one arm and the other running through his hair.

I opened the door a moment later with the thing behind my back. He didn’t need to see it until it was ready.

“And now?” he asked as he stood up straight.

“Now, we wait” I said biting my lip. He took the hand that wasn’t behind my back and held it, tightly. I don’t think this was just for my benefit; he needed holding as much as I did.

“What time is it?” he asked after a moment.

“Only thirty seconds has passed” I said with something of a grin. Billie half smiled down at me.

“Okay,” he said, “We were so careful how did this happen?”

“I don’t know I’m pregnant yet” I said with a shrug, “And I’m guessing it’s just because the condom split”

“When?” he asked quietly

“Well it must have been about a month ago” I said with a shrug, "I don't know exactly when"

He nodded and then looked at the clock that hung on the hall wall.

“Is it ready yet?” he asked. I nodded slowly but kept my hand behind my back, I was as scared about finding out the answer as he was.

“You know whatever that says, I’ll stick by you” he said to me. I half smiled and took the thing out from behind my back. The purple line in the small little window was as clear as day.

“We’re pregnant” I confirmed, “What the fuck do we do now?”

**

I was lying on the bed in the basement, staring up at the poster of the Dead Kennedy’s that had appeared on it since I had last been there. I sat up a moment later as I heard the door open. It was Ollie and Billie was following close behind – it seemed odd to be able to share these things with her. If I tried to tell my mum I would be shot, never mind helped.

Billie and I had spent the past half an hour between finding out and Ollie coming home talking about it. We still hadn’t come to a decision. I knew what I wanted to do but trying to get this across to him was taking more effort than I expected.

“So you’re pregnant?” said Ollie looking at me for confirmation. I nodded slowly.

“And what do you propose to do about it?” she asked sitting on the end of the bed with me. I liked the fact she was so matter of fact about it, whereas me and Billie had been dodging around the issue.

“I’m too young to have a baby” I whispered, “I’m only sixteen”

“Granted,” she said, “So do you wanna get rid of it?”

I flinched at her tone.

“Mom,” said Billie, “You don’t need to be so blunt”

“You got her into this mess and we need to sort it out so I suggest we stop pussyfooting around and come up with some semblance of what everyone thinks” she said looking at her son.

“’I got her into this mess?’” Billie asked his voice rising, “It takes two you know”

“And now she’s the one now dealing with the consequences so get down off your high horse and come up with some suggestions” said Ollie. Billie glared at her for a moment before sitting down on the sofa. There was a silence as we thought about this.

“I don’t know what I should do” I said.

“Should?” asked Ollie.

“I know what I want to do” I said, “But I don’t know whether it’s the right thing to do”

“What do you want to do?” she asked taking me into her arms and hugging me, I felt comforted.

“I don’t want it” I said when she released me, “I couldn’t support it”

“I could” Billie said from the sofa.

“But would you?” I asked, “Would you really want to? You’re only eighteen and the band –

“I would Scarlett” he said, “I’ve promised I’ll help you”

“I don’t want you to resent me for it though” I said, “And I know I would resent it for taking my career away from me”

“She’s got a point” said Ollie, “You’re very young to have a child”

“But it’s still a child” said Billie with concern lacing his voice.

“It’s not” I said and then started crying; I hated disagreeing with him, “It’s not even the size of my fingernail yet”

“So,” said Ollie, “Scarlett knows she doesn’t want it yet because of her dancing career and feels that she would resent the child because it had taken that away from her, she couldn’t support it due to the fact that the only she income she has at the moment is from dance competitions and if she had child then that would be gone. Billie, you say you would support the child but you have the band to think about you’ve just been signed, you don’t want a child at the moment and if this hadn’t happened you wouldn’t exactly be thinking about it?”

“No” he admitted

“So,” she said, “I think in that you have your decision. I know it’s a bit of a touchy subject but if in the future your circumstances change, you can have kids again. You’re both still teenagers. Think about it”
With that she got up and left the room so Billie and I could talk through it properly.

“So, we’re going to get rid of it?” he asked breathing out after a moment.

“It’s sensible Billie” I said quietly, “I know it might seem wrong but it’s the right thing to do for us”

“Yeah” he said, “A baby is too much at the moment and as my mom said, we can always have kids in the future”

I smiled at him.

“Sure” I said, “So how we’re going to do this?”

“We’ll go to the doctors tomorrow” he said, “And find out what has to be done”

“Thank you” I said.

“For what?” he asked.

“Being so understanding” I said. Billie drew me to him then and held me tightly and kissed me softly. There was no hurry in the kiss and the understanding I drew from it was that he would always be there for me so we didn’t need to hurry things in anyway.

***

That night was the best night’s sleep I had had in about a week. Now that my fears were assuaged and I hadn’t had time to worry about tomorrow yet; I slept fitfully. I curled up and my back was against Billie’s chest as his arm feel over me and held me close to him. There was an amazing sense of unity; we had faced the first terrible challenge of our relationship and yet the night after this had happened we were still able to sleep like this. Subconsciously this made my night better.

Oddly in the morning, Billie was awake first. I was surprised because this never happened; I was always awake first when we slept together. I was lying on my back and the first thing I was aware of was an overwhelming sense of nausea, a churning in my stomach that made me feel unbelievably sick. I opened my eyes and tried to sit up but this sickness rose up inside of me and I shot out of bed and to the sink before I was violently sick.

I straightened and cleaned my teeth before turning back around. Billie was stood by his closet, his eyes wide and I think he was in some form of shock. It took him a moment to react but then he was by my side and hugging me to him as I half cried.

“That’s not happened before” I said.

“It’s alright,” he said to me, “It’ll be over soon”

I nodded against his chest and pulled back.

“Alright” I said and walked to my bag pulling out my clothes for the day. I left the room to use the upstairs bathroom and when I returned Billie was already dressed. I had opted for trackies and a baggy t-shirt because it was what I was most comfortable in and I guessed that it would be easier today if I felt relaxed.

“You ready to go?” Billie asked me.

“Yeah” I said and then smiled, “You?”

“I’m fine” he said with half a grin, “I’m borrowing mom’s car for today”

“Okay” I said, “Let’s go”

The house was empty as went upstairs. Ollie was at the restaurant where she worked and Daniel was out as well, I didn’t know properly what he did for a living. I knew it was something physical and that’s why he is so well built but I had no real idea. Billie got the keys from the kitchen and then we went outside to Ollie’s car. I loved Ollie’s car because she had pictures of her children in the glove pocket. On this particular morning Billie banned me from going through the photographs of him when he was five (he looked cute!).

I turned the radio on as we drove towards the hospital. I tuned to our favourite radio station and the Dead Kennedy’s came on, I smiled as Billie started singing the words to the song. The hospital was about a twenty minute drive from Billie’s house but it came looming into view far too quickly for my liking. We parked in the car park and headed for the reception having no real idea as to what to do in a situation like this, it wasn’t exactly a recurring habit.

“Can I help?” asked the friendly looking lady at the reception desk.

“Erm yes” said Billie, “We’re looking for the um –

“We’re here for an appointment about terminating a pregnancy” I whispered helping him out, “Where do we have to go?”

“Oh,” said the lady with a smile, “That’s quite alright it’s just straight down the corridor and to the left, the prenatal clinic is just through the double doors.”

“Thank you” I said and Billie took my hand and together we walked down the corridor. We went past the A&E unit and I made sure to avert my eyes at this point, I wasn’t very good with blood and suchlike.

We entered the clinic and I immediately felt out of place. There were several heavily pregnant women in there and they all looked up as I entered the room. Obviously my stomach was still completely flat and some people stared at me as I walked up to the small desk in the corner of this clinic.

“Hello there” said the woman and waited expectantly for me to speak.

“Yes, I’d like to make an emergency appointment” I said.

“What’s it for?” she asked looking at a computer.

“I’m here for a termination” I said my voice dropping to almost a whisper but I could still feel the scandalized eyes of the women nearest me.

“Can I have your name please?” she said typing into the computer.

“Scarlett Robertson” I said shortly.

“Alright” she said, “There will be a doctor with you in about twenty minutes if you would just like to take a seat”

I nodded and sat down in a corner. I had a strong desire to put my hood up on my tracksuit, I felt as if every pair of eyes in the room was staring at me. Billie took my hand and held it tightly.

“It’s okay baby” he whispered and I smiled.

“I’m just a bit scared” I said.

“Me too” he said with a grin. I smiled as well and together we waited for the doctor to come out. I passed the time in talk about the new signing the band had just had and he told me that they were releasing the record on Wednesday and there had been loads of publicity at Gilman Street for the past two weeks and it was being distributed on Tuesday night. Their first real tour was the week after at the weekend; Mike and Tre were getting the Friday off school so they could get there in plenty of time and they would be back by Sunday night.

“Miss Robertson?”

I looked up to see a friendly looking doctor stood by the door that led to a corridor with other doors leading off it. I stood up at the same time as Billie and we followed him through a door and into a small room. I always hated doctors rooms because although they attempt to make it look like an ordinary office, there is always the green plastic mattressed bed in the corner. This room was no different and there was an underlying smell of disinfectant.

“Take a seat” said the doctor kindly and Billie and I sat down in front of the desk while he sat on the other side.

“Now I understand that you’re here for a termination of your pregnancy?” he asked.

“Yes” I answered.

“You are the father of the child?” the doctor asked Billie and he affirmed. I hated the fact that the doctor had called it a child. It wasn’t a child yet.

“You have discussed your options thoroughly?” asked the doctor. We both nodded.

“Right,” he said, “I’m just going to have a do a health check of Miss Robertson to check that there will be no danger to her in terminating this pregnancy and then we will discuss your options”

“Alright” I said and stood up awkwardly. The next five minutes were pretty bad as the doctor did a routine medical but put this sort of acid paper on my tongue to see whether I was going to have a reaction to the drugs or anything like that, he also tapped around on my stomach while I lay on the bed. I always hated that even when I was young, their fingers were always freezing!

“Well everything seems in order” he said as I returned to my seat and Billie took my hand and rubbed his thumb over the back of my hand reassuringly.

“Right,” said the doctor, “There are two options open to you; Medical and Surgical”

The first thing that leapt into my head was ‘no surgery’. I was opposed to being asleep at any time I didn’t elect to be.

“At this early stage of a pregnancy I would opt for Medical simply because it is easier for you and you can still do it” he said, “You are only about six weeks pregnant so you can easily take the medical the option. The surgical option is more complicated and although it is only an hour long procedure, they surgical option is more intrusive. The medical procedure takes about a day and can be done at home”
I looked at Billie and he half nodded at me.

“What does the medical procedure entail?” I asked.

“You take two pills,” said the doctor, “And they bring on an elective miscarriage. It can be painful particularly if you already suffer from bad period pains but as I said it can be done in your own home. The embryo will simply detach from the womb.”

I nodded and bit my lip. I didn’t really want to do either of this but I knew I had to.

“There is strong emotional connection to the child even at this early stage so you will need a lot of support” said the doctor. I looked up and saw he was looking at Billie who nodded.

“I’ll be there” Billie confirmed, “I’ll help her”

“Good” said the doctor, “She’s going to need it”

I shivered a little at his tone.

“So you are opting for medical?” asked the man. I looked at Billie who nodded and squeezed my hand.

“Yeah” I said.

“Alright then” said the doctor rising to his feet, “I will be back in a few moments”

With that he walked around the desk. I turned to Billie and half smiled.

“Well, this is actually less awkward than I thought it was going to be” I said, “I expected lots of equal questions and such like”

“Well I didn’t like his tone when he said you were going to need lots of support” said Billie, “What does he think I’m going to do, up and leave?”

“Well I guess he sees a lot of single girls come in here” I said.

“Yeah I suppose” said Billie as the door opened again and the doctor came back in. In his hand he had a little clear plastic box in it with two pills in it. One was green and one was white. He didn’t hand them to me but he wrote a note and gave that to me.

“Alright” he said, “Now I just have to go through this and hear you say you affirmed answer before I can give you the medication.”

I looked sideways at Billie in something of alarm before the doctor spoke again.

“Do you, Scarlett Robertson, understand that in the consumption of these pills that you will terminate your pregnancy and you will no longer be pregnant?”

“Yes I do” I said. The doctor smiled and handed me the plastic case.

“Thank you” I said

“Now, you take the green one first and then the white one ten minutes later” he said. I nodded and stood up with Billie.

“Thanks” I said again before leaving the room while pocketing the drugs. Billie took my hand as we walked back through the car park and to the car.

“Well that was easier than I thought it was going to be” he said eventually.

“Yup, that was the easy bit” I said with a smile.

“I’m here for you baby” he said and kissed me softly on the lips. I smiled and hugged him tightly after we broke away, then we got back in the car and drove back to the sanctuary that was his home.