Good Riddance

That day was one of the worst days of my life.

I cannot even describe it to you but when I became aware of what I was doing I was curled up on the spare bed crying. Billie had crept downstairs to get me another hot water bottle and I was left alone for one of the few moments of the day.

I sat up and winced in pain. My back was killing me; it felt like someone was kicking the shit out of my kidneys and at the same time practicing karate on my tummy. I looked at the alarm clock and it said it was nearly three in the morning, it had been fifteen hours since I had taken the pills and about thirteen hours since all this had started. At times I had felt like I was going to die.

The door reopened and Billie came in and looked alarmed when he saw me sitting up. He climbed over the bed to me.

“Are you alright?” he asked. I nodded and his hands went to my shoulders and motioned for me to lie down again. I did so and he lay behind me trapping the hot water bottle between us.

“Try and get some sleep” he said to me. I made a noise half way between a sob and a derisive noise, I had taken all the painkillers I was allowed to take and I still felt like this.

“You should get some sleep” I murmured, “I’ll be alright”

Billie didn’t say anything he just stroked my hair and kept the soothing bottle close to my back. He started to sing my song in my ear and it made me smile as I burst into tears again. Billie was used to this by now, so he just hugged me tighter and let me sob it out. I found myself as I finished crying merely falling asleep out of pure exhaustion from the day I had just experienced.

My dreams were troubled and broken but I could catch hold of anything specific, it was more a tumult of nightmare images and it made me want to hide. But I was exposed in the dark; I couldn’t hide anyway, the nightmare could see me. I couldn’t hide.

I awoke with a start.

“Scarlett?” asked Billie from behind me.

“Sorry,” I mumbled, “Bad dream”

Billie didn’t answer and I snuggled back down into his chest to try and sleep again. I managed it and this time my dreams were more fitful than before and I managed to wake when it was light with my head in some semblance of order.

It was the middle of the morning and I had walked down the stairs to the lounge before I had to sit on the sofa.

“Remember what the doctor said” said Billie, “No significant activity for three days”

“I remember” I said with a smile, “I don’t think I’m up to that anyway”

“Mike, Tre, Jess and K are coming over in a bit” he said with a small smile.

“Cool,” I said, “I’ll just stay snuggled in your bed if we’re going downstairs”

“Which we will be” he said.

“Alright then plan sorted” I said, “I might need a few moments to get there”

“We’ve got all the time in the world love” he said and kissed me softly on the lips.

“Do they know?” I asked when he sat next to me.

“No” he said, “I haven’t had a chance to talk to them”

“Well don’t tell them unless they guess” I said, “That’s one conversation I’d rather not have. Jess’ll probably guess though”

“Jess is pretty out of it these days” Billie said

“Oh” I said, “Let’s just hope she doesn’t relapse”

“Yeah” he said thoughtfully, “Tre is really helping her through it though. She’s not going down to the bridge and is trying desperately to stay clean”

“How long she been without now?” I asked.

“Exactly seven days” he said, “She reckons she might be over the worse of the side effects. Apparently on Monday and Tuesday she was on the floor, literally couldn’t move because her leg was restless and she couldn’t stand up, she was puking up anything she tried to eat and her fever was all over the place”

“Nasty” I said and attempted to get up, swayed a little on my feet but managed to make it to the door and down to his bedroom. I fell on the bed and crawled up into a sitting position against the wall, with the duvet pulled up. I don’t why I did that; I was really hot and yet inside I felt chilled, not quite sure what that was all about.

“I heard some more about the New York trip” I said to him

“Oh?” he asked

“Yeah, you know the dates don’t you?” when he nodded I continued, “Yeah well Monday we have to do four interviews; two for magazines and two recordings for T.V.”

Billie raised an eyebrow in interest.

“Think, me on T.V?” I said, “Broadway maybe but T.V?”

“You never know,” he said, “You’re extensive career might see you making movies”

“I’m not an actress” I said.

“Anybody can make movies these days” he said, “And there’s always music videos and such like, they always need dancers.”

“Yeah but I like a proper interview?” I asked, “I’m gonna run out of stuff to say. Sure I can get across what I’m trying to say through movement but when trying to actually talk to someone it’s a little different”

“Think of it as if you were dancing” he said, “And if someone asked you to dance about what they said then what would you do?”

“I suppose” I said thoughtfully, “As long as they don’t ask me about personal shit”

“They won’t” he said, “And even if they do, you don’t have to answer”

“Yeah” I said, “Nosy little...”

Billie just laughed, “It’s their job”

I made an inarticulate noise of disagreement and shifted on the pillow so I was more comfortable. As I did this the doorbell rang.

“Why don’t they just come in?” I asked Billie and he just shrugged and went upstairs to let the guys in. I let my head fall back against the wall and closed my eyes until I heard footsteps on the basement stairs.

“What?” asked Tre bounding in, “Not up yet Scarlett? Shocking”

I just giggled, “It’s warm in here”

“I’m joining you” said a voice from behind Tre, “I’m freezing”

I threw back the covers next to me as Jess appeared from the doorway and kicking off her shoes she got into the bed beside me.

“What is it with everyone using my bed but me?” asked Billie in a mock disgruntled voice from the sofa where he now resided. Kiera sat on the floor by Billie’s meagre bookshelf; she looked tired and stifled a yawn with the back of her hand as her eyes closed.

“Tired K?” I asked

“Yeah,” she said, “I only got back from the base this morning, we were doing sorties all day yesterday”

“Awesome” I said, “You win?”

“Nope, the lieutenant got me” she said, “Bastard. It won’t happen again”

“Sure it won’t” I said with a grin at her commitment to joining the air force, “How many girl pilots are there at the base?”

“Just me” she said.

“You and a room full of men?” I asked my eyes flicking to Mike who didn’t appear to be taking interest in the conversation but I knew he was.

“It sucks” Kiera said, “Lavatorial humour and too much testosterone”

I laughed, “Poor you”

She just shrugged in reply and her head flopped back against the bookshelf and I think she may have actually dropped off. Tre, Mike and Billie were talking about something to do with Wednesday and I decided to leave them too it. I looked sideways at Jess and I was shocked by what I saw. She had her eyes half closed and her eyes, normally a bright vibrant blue, were a much paler blue and her skin was white, her hair seemed lighter and she seemed thinner. She looked really ill; I didn’t know drug addiction could do this to you, but as I looked at her hands which were now white and bony.

“How you doing?” I asked her.

“Better than you” she whispered.

“What?” I asked her with an attempt at a smile.

“Scar, you have everything that’s going on with you written on your face” she said, “It doesn’t take a genius to know something’s up”

“Tre didn’t notice” I said.

“As I said,” she said, “It doesn’t take a genius”

I laughed at her blatant dissing of her boyfriend.

“Oh I shouldn’t be mean,” she said, “Without him I don’t know what I’d have done this past week”

“They’re good” I said with a smile at Billie who at this time looked up from the mini conference he was having to smile at me.

Jess made a mumbled noise of agreement as I blew a kiss back at Billie. We could do a lot worse I suppose.

***

“Let’s go out” said Tre with a semi whine, standing up, “It’s the middle of the day and we’re all sat inside”

“Yeah alright” said Kiera. She had been sat on Mike’s lap on the sofa because Billie and Tre had been taking up the other spaces on the rugged material. I don’t think Mike had been complained at any point because of this. Jess and I were still residing in the warm bed and I sat up a little straighter as I heard Tre say this. Billie looked at me and made a questioning face, I shrugged my shoulders and half smiled.

“Yeah sure” said Billie once he had gauged my reaction, “You guys just go upstairs and me and Scar will be there in a sec”

Jess groaned into the pillow she was currently half sleeping in and in one jerky movement she flung herself out of the bed and stood up. Tre moved over to the side of the bed she had got out of and helped her walked over to the door, it was a strange sight, she wasn’t exactly leaning on him but he was definitely supporting her. It was really sweet to see because I knew right in that moment I knew that they would be together forever; if they could get through something as bad as hardcore drug addiction and for them to still be that close, they could get through anything.

Mike asked what Billie was doing but Billie shrugged him off with a statement about food in the fridge and he and Kiera both left. Billie walked over to the bed and sat on it next to my legs.

“You wanna go out?” he asked me softly.

“Yeah” I said, “I think I should, we get to the park and I am going to sit down, again. I think I need some fresh air, if I feel bad I’ll tell you and we can come home?”

“Sure” he said, kissing my on the forehead, “Only if you want to”

“I’ll just take some more painkillers first though” I said motioning to the little, unmarked bottle that was on the side by the bed. Billie passed me then and I dry swallowed them, something I had become good at recently.

I nodded and the giggled, “Might need a hand getting out of bed though, it’s so comfy”

“Lazy” he commented but then he didn’t just give me his hand he swept me up into his arms and carried my through the open door and up the stairs before setting me on my feet at the top so I could put my shoes on. Then it was decided we were going in Kiera’s car. She had just recently got a new car, a present from her step-dad, we were all gobsmacked at the shiny red Porsche sitting on the road outside with the top down. I stood gawping at it for at least a solid minute before Tre shoved me and made me jump.

“Awesome,” said Billie, “Pile in!”

Kiera got in the driver’s seat and Mike in the passenger seat, Billie sat on the top section of the car where the hood went into the back with Tre and Jess and I sat on the back seat. Jess’ face looked a little healthier in the light than it did in the semi-gloom of Billie’s room. Kiera started to move but relatively slowly, conscious as she was that there were two guys sitting on the back of the car in a totally unsafe manner.

We got stuck in traffic at the lights on a crossroad but other than that the ride to the park was pretty normal. I walked on wobbly and painful legs to our usual spot and propped myself up against a large tree.

“What’s up Scar?” asked Tre as he saw me limply sit down.

“Nothing” I said, “Just not feeling too well”

He didn’t question me after that; guessing guys had heard it all before. Obviously he didn’t know the extent of it but he got the gist.

“You ready for the weekend then Billie?” asked Jess from beside Tre. He had his arm around her and was holding her close.

“Yeah, I guess” he said, “The place we’re playing on Friday isn’t much bigger than Gilman. It’s just that it’s in San Diego. On Saturday the place is about a thousand capacity so that’s quite a bit bigger but it should be good. I’m just looking forward.”

The only place you can look, I thought to myself.

“Are you going Scar?” asked Jess unthinkingly.

“I can’t” I said, “I’m still quarantined, remember?”

“How did you get out this weekend?” Mike asked

“My dad told my mum he was taking me down to T.A.P and then he just dropped me at Billie’s on Thursday night” I said

“Your dad?” asked Kiera, “Since when did he have a change of heart?”

“I dunno” I said, “Guess I just worried him”

“How?” she asked

“I wasn’t eating much last week” I said with a shrug, I pulled my hoodie off because the late April sunshine was hot and even though I was shaded under a tree I could still feel it beating down on me.

“Don’t know how people resist eating,” said Mike breaking some of the tension, “I can’t help it. I am attracted to two things fridges and girls”

Kiera coughed surreptitiously.

“Sorry fridges and a girl” said Mike correcting himself.

“Whipped” I muttered under my breath.

“Excuse me?” he asked me.

“Nothing” I said, I didn’t want this to turn into a fight because I had no way of running away or fighting back at this moment in time. Thankfully Mike let it drop with a playful shove and turned away from me which made me giggle.

Billie shuffled over and came sit beside me.

“You alright?” he whispered in my ear so no one else could here. I nodded and turned my head to give him a slow kiss, I sucked gently on his bottom lip as I pulled away which he seemed to like.

“Oi!” said Tre, “Will you two give it a rest for a second?”

“Why?” I asked innocently.

“Say anything and die” said Billie absently. Tre did say something which ended up in him getting up very fast and pelting it for the climbing frame in the park (which he could apparently hide behind) as Billie ran after him.

“Idiots” I said under my breath. I rolled my eyes as I turned to my right and saw Kiera and Mike lying on the grass; frenching. It was a sight I was used to but it didn’t make it any better. I heard a shriek from near the swings and looking up I saw that Billie had Tre in a headlock and was currently giving him a noogie. This surprised me because Tre was several inches taller than Billie and yet Billie still managed to do this to him. Billie returned to my side a few moments later, slightly out of breath and with his hair messed up from running.

“Idiot” I told him.

“I’ll have you know I was just defending your honour” he said.

“What honour?” I asked him with a grin, “I don’t have one”

He looked as if he was trying to find something to say and then gave up and merely pecked me on the lips.

“So what we all doing this week?” I asked.

“School” mumbled four out five of the people around me.

“Although I do have Monday off” said Kiera

“Why?” asked Jess

“I’ve got to go up to the base for an interview” she said, “Yay, another two hour drive. I’m hoping they’ll put me on a main base nearer here.”

“You’ve still got to go to Nevada for the sorties though don’t you?” I asked.

“Yeah,” she said, “They wouldn’t let us do that shit anywhere else unless it was real combat. We’re not at NAS Fallon yet though”

“You actually want to go there?” I asked.

“Hell yeah!” she said, “Top Gun? Everyone wants to go there – only the best get to go there”

“You got actually be in the Naval Air Force though first?” Jess asked.

“Yup” she said, “Oh well, this time next year, if I prove myself”

“That would be pretty immense” I said.

“Career highlight” she corrected and I almost saw the take off in her eyes.

“What’s your code name?” I asked with a giggle.

“Blaze” she said in all sincerity.

“Why Blaze?” I asked.

“Because piss me off and I’ll burn you faster than fire” she said with a smile.

“You actually have you ‘Blaze’ on your flying thing?” asked Jess from Tre’s lap.

“It’s called a Helmet, Jess” she said, “And yes I do, the helmet’s bright yellow and it’s got Blaze on it red”

“Who’s your Nav?” I asked sitting up in genuine interest.

“A guy called Frog” she said

“Frog?” I asked.

“He looks like one” said Kiera with a shrug, “He’s nice enough though”

I laughed at her blasé attitude to the man who could hold her life in his hands. I hoped she was nicer to him on base.

“On Monday I only have two lessons” said Jess.

“You coming in this week?” asked Mike.

“Yeah” she said, “I can’t stay off too long what with finals in like a month”

“Ha” I said, “No finals for me for at least another year”

“Another two?” Kiera said.

“My mom was talking about me getting my diploma at seventeen so I could concentrate on my dancing then rather than waiting till I was eighteen” I said with a shrug.

“Will dance schools take you at seventeen?” asked Billie.

“Yeah” I said, “They’ll take anybody if they’re good enough and if I win the championships In June then I should be alright”

“What categories of dances you competing in again?” asked Tre.

“What?” asked Kiera, “I thought you were doing Ballroom, Latin and Show dance?”

“When you get to international level you pick specific dances” I said, “You have to pick ten categories to compete in so I’m doing; Modern Dance, Street Dance, Foxtrot, Argentine Tango, Tango, Show Dance, Quickstep, Rumba, Waltz and Samba”

“Awesome” she said, “Fuck loads to learn though”

“Street Dance?” asked Mike cutting in, “You learning to break dance?”

“Sort of” I said with a grin, “It’s pretty awesome”

“You getting a crew?” said Tre.

“I think me and Zach are having a troop” I said in all seriousness, “We’re having three rehearsals with them in New York”

“Awesome” he said.

“It just means I get thrown around a lot” I said with a grin, “I think I get carried on in a bag or something crazy like that”

“That’ll be funny to see” said Billie under his breath.

“You going?” asked Jess.

“Yeah I told you” he said.

“No you told me” said Tre.

“Same difference” said Billie, “You tell each other everything”

“I forgot about it” said Tre with a shrug.

“Yeah I am going to New York with Scar” said Billie, “It’s for a week and I’ve checked it’s after the end of our tour and before the summer one”

I saw Mike visibly breathe out. I knew how much this band meant to all three of them so if anything of mine did clash with a tour, I promised myself there and then that I would never guilt trip Billie into staying with me because that wasn’t fair.

I looked up and saw that a cloud was close to covering the sun and the wind was beginning to pick up a little. It wasn’t cold but there was a breeze moving about as we sat in the park. I watched the shadows of the clouds on the grass of the hill in the park with some sense of interest. Billie took my hand at this moment and that made me begin to cry, I don’t know why but I couldn’t stop myself from doing so.

“Shit, what’s up Scar?” asked Kiera looking over me.

“Nothing,” I said the tears stopping as quickly as they had come, “I’m just a bit emotional at the moment is all”

“You don’t just burst into tears for no reason” said Kiera. I glared her, she knew full well she was pushing my buttons.

“You wanna go?” whispered Billie in my ear. I nodded and he felt because my head was on his shoulder.

“I’m not feeling well guys” I said trying to get to my feet but failing with a semi whine of pain as my back hit the tree.

“We’re just going to head back to mine” said Billie.

“Alright” said Tre, “See you Monday evening if we don’t see you before?”

“Yeah,” said Billie, “We might be going to the bridge tomorrow night if your down?”

“K” said Kiera, “Might be there”

“Awesome,” said Billie getting up and then seeing I was still sat on the floor, he assessed the situation, realised that the guys were probably going to figure out what was going on so he simply swept me up into his arms and carried me out of the park like that. He could carry me with ease due to the dramatic weight loss I had gone through in the past week and I wasn’t exactly inclined to try and put the weight back on at the moment.

“You can put me down” I said after a few minutes, “But I need to rest on the curb for a bit”

“Sure” he said and set me gently on my feet. He had his arm around my waist and held me close to him, I slid my hand into his back pocket and he took the hint and slid his hand into mine. It was pretty clichéd but I didn’t care. The clouds had completely covered the sun by now and I felt the first spot of rain touch my face.

“April showers” I murmured. I didn’t mind walking the rain; getting my hair wet was something that exactly bothered me.

“Hey” said Billie after a moment as the rain got steadily heavier and soon was a decent downpour; I was quickly soaked.

“What?” I asked him.

“I have never kissed you in the rain” he said looking down at me.

“Isn’t that supposed to be some sort of passionate encounter when it happens though?” I asked him, “You know, we haven’t seen each other for ages, it’s raining heavily and I run towards you and you catch me as I leap into your arms and then we make our for ages?”

“Well you could try running if you wanted to” he said with a smile tugging at the side of his mouth.

“I’m alright ta” I said

“I could try and muster passion?” he said.

“Go on then” I said with a giggle as his mouth claimed mine and both his hands went deep into my back pockets to hold me flush against his body as I tilted my head. The kiss broke several times in the many minutes we kissed on the sidewalk. We got hooted at at least twice but we didn’t stop and my hands tangled in his wet hair. Eventually when we broke apart I smiled brightly.

“This the point when I usually invite you to ravish me” I said, “But not for another week at least”

Billie smiled and put his forehead against mine.

“I love you baby” he said and kissed me softly again, “Do you think it’s about time we got home?”

“I like that” I said as he took my hand again and we continued to wind our way back through the streets.

“What?” he asked

“’Home’” I said, “It’s your home, not mine. I don’t really have a home at the moment. I have a house where I live most of the time, but my bitch of a mother lives there. Then there is your place which I love to be in”

“Scarlett do you know the definition of a home?” asked Billie.

“No?” I asked.

“A home is a place where you are welcomed and where you feel welcome” he said, “And you will always be welcomed in my home.”

“Well then I’ll start calling it home” I said, “It’s a place where I’m welcomed and as I love to be there, then it’s a home”

Billie kissed me on the top of the head and we continued to walk home. Our home.

*

“So what are you going to do?” Billie asked me. It was evening and we were lying on his bed, I was looking at the rain that was still falling outside.

“What am I going to do?” I asked.

“Well, it’s just we’ve kinda talked about you going to college before, well dance school, but we’ve never really talked about it” he said.

“So let’s talk?” I asked him.

“So let’s talk” he said .

“Well what do you think about it?” I asked him, “I have two main dance schools I would like to go to. The top two in the country”

“Julliard or T.A.P?” he asked.

“Yeah” I said, “Julliard would be the preferred option but that’s crazy stuff we’re talking”

“You are good enough baby” he said, “Anything you want to do you can do”

I half nodded.

“You wouldn’t have problems with me studying in New York?” I asked him

“No,” he said, “As long as you don’t have problems with the fact if that band is successful I’m going to be touring a lot”

“It’s not if the band is successful Billie, it’s when the band is successful” I said with a smile ghosting over my lips.

“And if you study in New York you’ll come home at half terms and end of terms and when I’m up East I’ll come see you” he said, “It’ll work out. I promise you.”

“Two people who are opposite sides of the country,” I mused, “I promise you I’ll try and get back to you as often as possible”

“Likewise”

There was a moments silence as we realised we were perfectly comfortable with each other at that moment. We both knew what the other was going to do and that yes we would miss each other desperately but it was something we had to do. We didn’t want there to be any resentment present and I knew there would be if we didn’t let each other’s wings spread. We were both people with goals and ambitions and they would take us away from each other. Maybe, just maybe, if at the end of it all, we were still strong enough, we would find our way back to each other.