The Art of Subconscious Illusion

Chapter Twelve.

Matt had found an entire bottle of pain pills empty next to Zacky and threw it against the wall out of anger. He decided that he would get in the ambulance with him while we would trail behind in the cars. The ambulance came, took Zacky and left, before we finally took off behind them Jimmy came in my car with us and I did everything that I could to keep myself from crying.

This was my fault...he had downed those pills because of me, because I was a coward to even let him in. Was his depression that bad that my simple rejection would send him over the edge? Why was I such a selfish bitch? Not only was he going to hate me forever, but as would his friends and his whole family. I had really done it this time.

“Stop it. Stop what you’re thinking right now.” Jimmy said from the backseat and I realized that tears were running down my face. “Don’t you dare blame yourself for his stupidity, he knows better than to resort to this shit.”

“But it is my fault, Jimmy...if I had been open to him, this would not have happened.” I pointed out as I parked in the hospital parking lot. “He wouldn’t have done something like that if not for me.

“Let’s just go in, he’ll be taken in to get his stomach pumped and put through a process that doesn’t have anything to do with medication. Don’t you dare blame yourself.” Jimmy said, bringing me into a hug before we all walked in. Brian was hard at work, talking to the lady at the desk to get information before he informed us that we had to wait.

His father came in some time later, with his brother and sister in tow and I couldn’t even look at them with how upset and ashamed I was. This was the worst thing that I had ever done...what was I going to say to them?

“Zina...it...it was all my fault.” I confessed, tears streaming down my face. She brought me into a hug and rubbed soothing circles on my back.

“Sweety, talk to me. How did this happen? You two seemed so happy together.” she asked, pulling away to look me in the eyes. I couldn’t lie to her.

“We...had a...a fight. He said he wanted to be with me and I...I...I was so scared to let him in, I thought I’d end up with another broken heart and I just shut him down… I told him...I told him we could never be together and he must have taken it so hard that he...oh god he overdosed because I’m a coward!” I sobbed, almost inaudibly. She pulled me back into that warm hug and it felt like everyone’s eyes were on me.

“You listen to me okay. You are not to blame for this. You didn’t know how bad Zack’s depression is. And I don’t blame you for being afraid, he’s a little heart throb. But you whatever happened in your past to make you turn him down, just consider that Zacky is different. We’d love to see you around more often. Just take some time to think things over. I’m not saying marry the guy, but give him a chance. And as far as this being your fault, its not. You didn’t shove a whole bottle of pills down my little brother’s throat. All I ask is for you to be there when he wakes up...he needs some encouragement. Please don’t run away from this.” Zina begged me, he eyes glazing over, shiny from the tears she was holding back.

“It’s not the first time he’s done this you know… after graduation.” Jimmy stated, sitting down in one of the chairs in the waiting room. Zina guided me over to one as well and suggested I have a seat since we would probably be waiting for a while.

I looked over at Matt, seeing that he was practically seething at what had happened, deciding to go over and sit next to him. I brought him into a hug, catching him off guard as he finally hugged me back.

“What caused him to do this the last time?” I asked once we had ended the hug and I sat down next to Mel who was having a thumb war with Jimmy. They were really cute together and I realized how much I hadn’t been paying attention to my friends while I was here. I really couldn’t win to save my life.

“Well, we were at his house after his grad art and we were heavily drinking, he started going on and on about how much of an idiot he was for not getting the girl and how he would never get a chance again. So he disappeared into his bedroom, didn’t come out for a while and we found him pretty much in the same position as he was today.” Johnny explained, chewing on his lip and I noticed that everyone was pretty nervous. “The doctors said that if we had waited a few minutes more, he would have been gone for good. Once he was coherent, we chewed him a new one and told him the next time, he would be on twenty-four hour watch.”

“Looks like we will have to honor our word.” Brian sighed, running a hand through his hair and he looked over at me. “Either that, or you could just beat him into submission.”

“Brian!” The guys exclaimed and I felt my face heat up.

“What? He is in love with her. She is the one who he would give his life for her...twice.” He explained and I looked down at my feet. He had a point...and to be honest, apart of me just didn’t realize how strong I felt about him back.

Seeing him during the practice graduation, he was actually pleasant and wasn’t being a complete dick during the breakfast we had. Complimenting me and just being all around fantastic, which had took me by surprise. On actual graduation, he had given me a single rose and apologized for not being able to go to my graduation party. My parents had given my older siblings the go ahead to invite my entire class. Though, I didn’t realize that he had also talked to my sister who let him put three bakers dozen of roses in my car along with a giant panda stuff animal in the front seat. She wouldn’t tell me who did it until I left for college and I just couldn’t believe what she was telling me and refused to believe it was him.

Something stood out above all else and it was the summer between my Sophomore and Junior year on the Fourth of July.

Flashback.

The all time high of today was said to be eighty-five degrees fahrenheit on this beautiful Fourth of July and my parents had decided to skip our usual family barbecues. We went to the big beach get together at Huntington Beach. I had chosen to wear a pair of cut off jeans that were just above my knees and a red Motley Crue shirt that I had made sleeveless and cut up the side to tie together. Under all of it I was wearing a two piece red and black polka dot bikini. I chose to wear a floppy black sunhat to keep the sun off my skin. Though, sunblock was still a must for my ginger skin.

We made it there and parked, finding myself craving some ice cream as I ditched my family and made my way over to the vender. The people behind me decided to be overly rowdy and ended up pushing me into the guy in front of me.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” I exclaimed, glaring at the people behind me as I looked back to come face to face with a pair of familiar green eyes.

“Well hey there Pippey. Long time no chat.” Zacky said with a smirk, crossing his arms and looking me in the eye. I narrowed my gaze at him and something in his sparked when the jerks behind me pushed me into him again and I shockingly he caught me as we stood there pressed against each other like we were...about to make out or something.

“Thanks” I sighed, rubbing the back of my neck after I pushed away from him. “Some people are just complete assholes.” I said, loud enough for them to hear. A few of them mutter bitch and other terrible names, but it’s nothing I haven’t heard before. I shook my head as he went to say something and held up my hand. “It won’t help, they will not stop until someone ends up killing themselves due to their bullying.”

“I guess you’re right, though I wouldn’t mind showing them a thing or two on how to treat people with respect.” He muttered, moving with the line as we got closer to the front.

“Welcome to our generation of people who don’t care about respect anymore.” I point out, rolling my eyes as I stared at the clouds in the sky. The forecast said there was a possibility of rain, but it was so beautiful out.

“Well, that is an optimistic attitude.” He looked over his shoulder at me and I shrugged.

“I just refuse to see the bullshit that the world tries to cover up to make things seem better than they really are.” I state, looking into his eyes. “Hard to see the good in people when the world is a dark and cruel place.” He shocked me by turning back around after he had ordered with a Mint Chocolate ice cream cone and handed it to me. “What…”

“It’s a bright and beautiful Summer’s day, take the time to see the wonders a day like this can bring you.” He stated, before taking my hand and leading me over to a black and green towel on the beach that had a large umbrella over it. “And I can show you exactly what I mean if you let me.”

“Don’t you want to spend time with your friends?” I asked, sitting down under the shade of the umbrella. “I mean...don’t want them to see you hanging out with a nobody right?”

“They are all out of town, come on, don’t make me spend the whole day alone.” He whined, poking his bottom lip out into a pout. It was kind of pathetic to see, but I wasn’t going to argue. Hanging out with the guy who made my life a living hell was definitely a step up to hanging out with my family.

“Fine, just this once…” I stated, rolling my eyes as I brought a book out of my purse. I looked up to find him staring at me with a strange look on his face. “What? Why are you staring at me like that?”

“Nothing just...didn’t know we had the same taste in books.” he stated, reaching into his bag and pulling out the same book. My jaw dropped and I put my book down.

“The fact that you like Anne Rice novels is slightly frightening.” I point out, putting down Interview with a Vampire and staring at him. “That is too damn strange for me.” I laid on my back and stared up at the sun. “This is too weird.” I whispered, more to myself.

“What? A guy can’t appreciate the original vampire? Not the sparkly diamond pussies of today. What’s so strange about it?” he questioned, laying down next to me, staring at a cloud. “Hey look, its looks like a panda! You love pandas right?” he asked turning his head towards me and looking in my eyes. His were so pure and green that I thought I was getting lost in an evergreen forest.

I glanced at my bag and nodded. “Yes I do, they are my favorite animal besides snakes.” I state, playing with a strand of hair that fell into my eyes. “What about you? What’s your favorite animal?”

“You know, oddly enough I love dogs and lizards. Coolest little guys ever.” he answered and I giggled at him. He raised an eyebrow at me. “What?”

“That is an interesting combination.” I chuckle, “You are a strange kid.” I point out before looking up at the sky.

“What? Like pandas and snakes aren’t a strange combo? And yes I know I’m a freak. Thanks for reminding me.” he stated, sitting up and looking out at the water.

“Being a freak isn’t a bad thing…” I whisper, propping myself up on my elbows. “I get called it on a daily basis.” I remind him, looking out at the water as well. “The water looks nice, I’m shocked you aren’t in the water and swimming.”

“I’m shocked you aren’t either.” he smirked at me, “It’s good to know you have a good taste in music and not that shit your older siblings listen to.” He points out, watching as they made their way over to us. Great, Erika and Tristian, the oldest terror twins in the bunch who were visiting for the weekend.

“Hey there Susan, who’s the boyfriend?” Erika chuckled at me and I rolled my eyes.

“He’s a friend from school, airhead.” I muttered, glancing at Zacky as he stood up.

“Don’t talk like that with your sister.” Tristian spoke up and I just laughed at him. “Do you want to leave here right now, you little freak?”

“Oh please, you need to get a reality check, I’m not going to just bow to every demand like some lapdog.” I stated, stripping out of my shirt and shorts to reveal my bikini. “Come on Zacky.” I stated, dragging him out into the water as the terror twins walked back to the family.

Zacky pulled off his t-shirt and left it in his bag before tailing behind me. He came running after me and picked me up bridal style. I shrieked as he dived under water with me the cool water rushed over both our bodies. He resurfaced and I gasped, soaking wet, water dripping down all surfaces of my body and hair matted to my face and in my eyes. I shoved and he chuckled, coming closer to me and I turned around, refusing to amuse him further. He snaked his arms around my waist and pulled me against him. I felt something...hard poke my lower back. Was he...was Zacky turned on? Did...did I turn him on? The guy who makes my life a living hell every single day is attracted...to me?

“Oh come on, I was just trying to speed up the whole getting used to the water part. Are you okay?” he asked I turned around to stare up at him. His hair was wet and matted as well and water dripped down his face and chest. He was biting his lip, rolling his snake bite piercing around with his tongue.

“I hate going places with my family around.” I sighed, moving my hair out of my face. “The water isn’t actually all that bad.” I tried moving away, but he wouldn’t let me. “Um...Zacky?” His eyes grew wide upon realizing what he was doing and let me go, jumping slightly like it freaked even him out.

“S-sorry. Um...guess I didn’t realize that...Hey! Let’ have a race to the sandbar and back. Bet I swim faster.” he prompted, attempting to change the subject. He seemed a little nervous and I wasn’t quite sure why. He didn’t usually act this way around me.

“I don’t want to go any farther than this! Are you fucking insane?!” I exclaimed, wide eyed as I watched him get ready to swim off. “You can have fun with that though.” I wish I could understand what was going through his head. He responded by picking me and carrying me out there. I started thrashing but he kept a firm grip on me, swimming out to the Sandbar. “Are your fucking nuts, Zacky put me down!”

“As you wish!” he exclaimed letting me go in the depths of the water. I couldn’t feel the floor of the ocean and I felt the waves were crashing above my head.

“Zacky!” I shouted and he came back and picked me up. Taking me out further. “Are you trying to kill me?!”

“Of course not. Just wanted you to see the sandbar isn’t that bad. Here, you can touch now.” he stated, putting me down and the water was only to my hips. “Well, explore. Have fun. Catch ya later Babe.” he winked at me and dove in back towards shore. What? Was he just going to leave me here?!

“Zachary! God damnit, get your skinny white ass back here! And don’t you fucking dare call me babe!” I shouted at him, feeling something touch my foot and I screamed, only to get hit in the mouth by water. I started coughing on the water, feeling tears sting my eyes from the pain of it all.

Zacky came back a few minutes later and I climbed on his back. “Had enough of the sandbar?” he asked I didn’t say a word to him until he returned me to shore. As soon as I was able to touch, I slid off his back and started walking back on my own. “Hey, come on Susan, I was just having a little fun. Are you seriously going to be pissy now?” he asked, wading behind me.

“Did it look like I was having fun?” I whipped around, glaring at him and tears were falling down my face. “There is a reason why I don’t go past a point I know I can handle.” I continued on, going over to my stuff and drying off with my towel.

“I was only a few yards away, you weren’t in any real danger or anything.” he chuckled coming up behind me and taking my towel, helping me dry off. “You know...you’re kinda...cute when you’re angry.” he muttered just low enough to where I could barely him. Had he meant for me to hear that?

“You should see me when I’m pissed.” I muttered back, glaring at him and turned away from him. “You just wouldn’t understand…”

“Understand what Susan?” he asked me, using my towel to dry off and I looked over and noticed that my clothes were gone! Son of Bitch! The twins were playing a damn prank on me, and I knew it was them because they high fived each other and started laughing, watching from afar. I started running towards them but they got in the car and drove way before I reached them...along with the rest of the family. Great...they left me here.

“I fucking hate my family!” I exclaimed, wrapping my towel around myself. “Looks like I’m walking home like this.” I muttered, grabbing my bag as I saw the sun was setting. “I’ll see you around.”

“Whoa, whoa, wait a minute! There’s no way I’m going to let you walk home like that. Stay for the fireworks. You can borrow one of my shirts and I ‘ll give you a ride home. I may have left you on the sandbar, but at least I came back for you. Please...just stay.” Zacky said grabbing my arm gently and I turned to look at him. There was something in his eyes. He looked...desperate. Like if I left now it would break his heart. Gaaah, those eyes! Damn him!

“Fine...I’ll stay…” I muttered as he handed me a shirt from his bag and I slipped it on, feeling it swallow me and his scent overwhelmed my senses. “Thank you, by the way. Good to know that someone is going to look out for me.”

“If only…” he whispered, looking out at the water. If he didn’t think I heard him he was sadly mistaken. I raised an eyebrow at him. “Come on, lets take a walk down the pier before the sun sets.” he spoke up, motioning for me to follow him. “Might help us dry of too.”

“That and I want to get some pictures taken, it looks so beautiful with the pier at sunset.” I smiled, resisting the urge to to take his hand in mind. “Lets get going.” I started off in that direction, feeling his eyes on my backside.

“You fascinate me sometimes.” he stated, following behind, “Damn...if that isn’t the most beautiful thing I’ve seen.” he said and I was beginning to wonder if he was talking about the sunset or me. I whipped around to find he had been staring at my ass. He looked away quickly his face turned red. Whyyy? We continued to walk down the pier, this time side by side, stopping to let him catch up so I wouldn’t feel so self conscious. I snapped a few pics of the sunset on the water, a few of him making funny faces at the camera and he held out his hand. “Come on, we have to get a few of you too.” Should I trust him with my $500 camera that I saved up for 4 years worth of allowance earnings for?

“Why? I rarely take pictures of myself...too afraid of breaking it.” I said jokingly and handed it over. “Just be careful with it ok?” I whispered, looking off at the sunset. “I’m not good at modeling…” I said, biting my lip and not looking at him.

“So don’t model...just be you.” he stated as he lifted the camera and snapped a picture of my looking out in the distance at the painted sky on the horizon. I snapped my gaze at him in surprise and he walked over showing me the photo and it was actually pretty great. Natural and serene. He hit the perfect angle.

“You are really good at this...why aren’t you in a photography class?” I asked quietly and watched as he just shook his head. “You would be fantastic at it.” I whispered, sitting on the edge of the pier.

“Well if its any consolation, you’d be a pretty kick ass model. You should look into modeling for Hot Topic or something.” he chuckled, sitting down next to me. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at him. I looked nothing like those girls.

“I bet you say that to all the girls.” I mumbled under my breathe and I heard him sigh, standing up once more and he took a picture at me as I looked up at him.

“Come on Susan, lets get back before our stuff gets stolen and we miss the fireworks.” He stated, holding his hand out to me to help me up. I took it, letting him help me as he didn’t let my hand go. I could tell he was already frustrated with me, so he just kept holding onto it even after we sat down.

The fireworks started sometime later and I must have drifted off to sleep once they had started, because I woke up to Zacky putting me into his car and buckling me in. He didn’t do much talking other than to ask me for directions, but mostly it was the radio playing music in the background that filled the silence. Finally he pulled up to my house and I unbuckled, starting to get up and he grabbed my hand and stopped me.

“Do something for me,” His voice was barely above a whisper as I looked him in the eyes. “Don’t fade into the background, you aren’t some object to be pushed around.”

“Zacky, you know it’s…”

“Promise me, Susan!” He raised his voice and the look in his eyes was that of, well, I wasn’t really sure.

“I promise, now thank you for everything.” I smiled at him weakly as I squeezed his hand. He let go and I shut the door to his car and walked into the house, a smile plastered onto my face. I had a fantastic day with the one person who strove to make my life a living hell. That day, I fell even more in love with him than I already was. Damn, I must be more mental than I originally thought.

End Flashback.

“Miss. Lucinia, Mr. Baker is asking to see you.” The doctors voice pulled me from the memories of my past and I shook myself to wake up the parts of my body that had dozed off while I was reminiscing.

I followed her to the room and she stopped right outside the door, leaving me there without another word. I stood there, thinking of what I was going to say before I went in. Every bone in my body was aching with anticipation as the other parts of my body were afraid. Fear was pumping through my bloodstream and regret was forcing it’s harsh words into my mind.

I had so much to apologize for and no clue where to begin.