Dearest You

Dearest You,

Hello. And happy New Year.

I am writing you this letter because I know you will listen, and I really need someone to listen right now. Please don’t try to figure out my identity or if anyone else knows that I am writing you this. I think it would be really embarrassing for me and as a matter of fact, for you, if in case you do find out who I am because you know me. You know my name, what I look like, the sound of my voice. But you do not know me well enough to know that I am in love with you. I am a very small part of your life. So small that I bet I my name would never even cross your mind as the sender of this letter. So don’t worry.

I am writing this to you while waiting for the worship service to begin. My parents are inside the chapel praying, but I’m not really the praying type anymore. I have a very complicated relationship with religion. I believe in God and all, but sometimes religion just doesn’t fit into the whole concept of “God loves all of His children”, or something like that. My brother is gay, and was excommunicated from the church for marrying his boyfriend of seven years. My brother is very religious, though. Even now he still prays every night before bed. He and my parents don’t talk anymore. Some nights I secretly talk to him on the Internet because mom and dad won’t even let me call him on the phone. I don’t think God would strike me down with a bolt of lightning or something if I were to talk to him, would he? I just don’t think he’s the bigoted type. He did give us all this free will after all, so he probably knew from the start that men wouldn’t just settle with liking women or women wouldn’t just settle with liking men, right?

Maybe the other members of the church would strike me down (if they could) if they ever find out that I still talk to him. Whenever I do something wrong, I'm always more afraid of what the other church members would think of me and not of what God would think of me and that's a bit bothering. See, the deal with religion is that there are so many rules to follow if you are to belong to one and if you disobey them, the other members would come swarming around you like flies and tell you that you are wrong. I guess forgiveness is a virtue only God can really have.

My brother lives in a different city now. I miss him a lot. I haven’t seen him for three months now. Not since I got sick. He found out through my doctor which, coincidentally, was his high school basketball teammate. He stayed with us for two weeks. Mom and dad weren’t exactly happy about it. My brother tried his best to avoid talking to them. I think it wasn’t because he was embarrassed or anything. I think he did it for them. We slept in my room and at night he would tell me about his new life in a new city. Bit by bit I started to piece out how he had changed, and I was jealous. I didn’t want to be the sick kid who got left behind in her hometown to rot. I wanted to do something. I wanted to get out.

Then he left. And just like that I started to sink into this little town again. I guess the thought of getting out left with him. My doctor said that my illness might get better with treatment, and that was enough reassurance for my brother to leave. He said he had to get back. I agree with him. Coming back here was not doing him any good and I won’t let him stay, not even for me. I’ll be okay.
Mom and dad wanted me to stop school for a while and return the next semester, but I declined. I really don’t know what else I would do if I weren’t going to school. I’m not weak. I think I can survive high school for one more year. I didn’t tell you that I was sick, of course. I don’t want to take up any more space in your life. I’m satisfied with you greeting me with a smile every time you see me in the corridors at school. I’m satisfied with seeing your name on an article in the school paper. I’m satisfied with small talk. I’m satisfied with looking at you from afar and not being able to know what it feels like with your fingers laced with mine, or with your lips pressed against my cheek. I’m satisfied with knowing that you actually read this letter, and therefore know how I feel.

The worship service is about to start. I better get going then.