Bombshell

Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that I would end up with Beau. He'd gone from an annoying acquaintance to my best friend in the world, but boyfriend still wasn't a position I thought he'd ever fill in my life. I wasn't his type at all and he wasn't mine; in fact, we were kind of the opposite of each other's types. He was the giant baby-faced oddball of sunshine in the lineup of all my scruffy, brooding, guitar-playing, beanie-wearing past boyfriends. I was about six inches shorter and six hair shades darker than any girl he'd ever shown even remote interest in. I guess we were just each other's exceptions. It was weird to me at first because hardly anything changed between us. I guess we were so couple-like already that when we actually started dating, people didn't even really react to the news.

But then there was that other thing.

I don't think it would have been so awkward between me and those other four guys if I hadn't started dating Beau. I could've just been the friend of the team that participated in a fun challenge with some of the guys, but instead I was Beau's girlfriend who had fucked four of his teammates. Suddenly those four were avoiding eye contact when they saw me at practice and they weren't skyping me when they were on the road for away games and they weren't hanging out at my apartment on days off. Even Fleury, who personally had no reason, didn't want to make things awkward for his friends/teammates so he behaved in much the same way they did, except he at least had the decency to say hi and throw me a little smile when he saw me. Considering that I had zero actual friends outside of the team, it made things kind of lonely.

Beau told me not to worry about it, that they'd eventually get over it and we'd go back to being friends, but, after two months of dating him, I wasn't sure that was true. Especially since he'd become so protective of me. He was jealous because even though we were together, his teammates had still gotten to me before. I knew it was probably hard for him to have to go into the locker room and look around at his teammates, thinking 'yep he fucked my girlfriend, and he fucked my girlfriend, and so did he.' So I did what I thought was best in the situation and took a step back from the team. I didn't sit in the box with friends and family at games, instead opting for any random empty seat out in the crowd; I didn't go with him to the team Christmas party; I didn't even try communicating with the rest of the guys anymore. The only thing I did keep doing was going with Beau to practice, but even then, I kept to myself.

We'd ride together to the rink and when he headed to the locker room, I went to annoy the ladies in the office because at least I could look at them without thinking about how much I fucked up. I appreciated that they let me hang around and eat all the tootsie rolls out of the candy bowl because they never got any work done while I was there. Most of the time, I'd head down to watch the last fifteen minutes or so of practice (from the very top of the seating sections where no one on the ice could see me, of course) but today, I'd gotten caught up talking to the receptionist about what kind of shampoo she used because I was wildly jealous of how great her hair always looked.

By the time I made it down there, there was nobody left on the ice so I went ahead and headed for the locker rooms. I stood in my usual spot against the wall in the hallway, immediately pulling my phone from my back pocket to occupy myself just like I always did in order to avoid potential eye contact from anyone who might come out of the doors across from me. Using this particular strategy had been working for me in the month since I decided to sort of back away because none of them even tried to talk to me as they passed by and I could pretend it didn't hurt my feelings by keeping my nose in my screen.

I could hear the shouting and ridiculous laughing coming from the other side of the door so I just assumed they were all already in there, but the sound of skates thudding against carpet caught my attention and when I looked up from the text conversation with my sister, Beau was coming my way. He looked mad and when he pushed a hand through his sweaty hair, I immediately noticed that his knuckles were cracked and bleeding. He wouldn't meet my eyes as he slowly made his way down the hall toward me but as soon as he was close enough for me to reach, I pushed off the wall and grabbed him by the wrist to pull him over to my corner.

"What the hell happened to you?" I asked, gently brushing my thumb along his jaw, but he flinched away from me, looking guilty.

"It was nothing," he mumbled, keeping his eyes on his skates.

I sighed as I reached out to take his right hand, lacing my fingers with his, and brought it up to my lips so that I could press careful kisses just below each of his injured knuckles. He watched me hesitantly, but when I was done and I looked back up at him, he kept my gaze. "What happened?" I asked again.

He shook his head and his bottom lip rolled out a little like he was pouting. "It was stupid."

"Tell me, Beau."

"Just-...." He paused and shrugged his shoulders but his eyes left mine again as he hung his head. He really didn't want to talk about it. "I kinda got in a fight with Sutter."

"What the fuck?" Neither of them were the kind of guys I would particularly associate with being great fighters because they mostly stayed out of it, but I would never imagine they'd be fighting each other. "About what?"

"You."

"Me," I repeated, and the confusion swirling in my head was probably manifesting itself in my expression. "You got in a fight with Brandon about me?"

He frowned, only glancing up at me for a moment before he dropped his gaze again. "I'm gonna go shower so we can get out of here," he mumbled, and before I could stop him, he turned away from me. I called his name but he ignored me as he yanked open the door to the locker room and went inside.

I let out a frustrated groan and leaned back against the wall again, dropping my head back and closing my eyes. This whole thing was ridiculous; Beau was mad and I wasn't sure if he was mad at me too, or mad at just Brandon, or mad just in general. I did know that if he wouldn't talk to me about it then I wouldn't be able to fix it though.

"So, uh, I guess you heard?"

I glanced over my shoulder, unsure of whether the question was directed at me because no one around here had spoken to me in almost a month. Sidney was standing in the middle of the hallway, still dressed in his gear from practice, looking a little tired and a lot uncomfortable. He must've had a little chat with Beau after everyone else filed off the ice and that's why they were the last two into the locker rooms. "Yeah," I sighed, running a hand through my hair. "I just talked to Beau."

"So you haven't seen Suttsy?"

"Not yet, but I'm waiting for him right here," I answered, because I was definitely going to have a talk with him when he came out of those doors. "Why?"

"You'll see," he sighed before continuing on past me.

"Hey, Sid?"

"Yeah?"

"What exactly happened?"

He paused and turned back to me with furrowed brows. "He didn't tell you?"

"Wouldn't," I corrected, and before he even spoke, I knew by the hesitant look on his face that he was going to try to get out of telling me. He'd try to say it wasn't his place but if Beau wasn't going to do it, then I had to know somehow so that I could confront Brandon before he left the rink.

"Listen, I don't wanna get in the middle of-"

"You already are," I interrupted his excuse. "You're their captain, Sid, so like it or not, you're kind of responsible for keeping this team together. If you just tell me, I can fix it, but I have to know what happened first."

"Suttsy said something a bit...out of line."

"About me," I guessed because I immediately got the feeling I knew where this was going. "And that goddamn challenge."

His whole face flushed at the mention of what happened at Geno's party three fucking months ago and he gave up the already minimal eye contact I was getting before. "Y-yeah."

"What did he say to him?"

"He didn't say it to him. Beau just kind of overheard."

"Sid," I urged, staring him down hard, and even though he was avoiding looking at my face in favor of studying the patterns in the dark carpet between us, I knew he could feel it.

He shook his head and awkwardly rubbed his palm back and forth across the back of his neck. "I, uh-....I'd rather not say," he muttered quietly and the flush of his cheeks deepened to an even darker red. Seeing how uncomfortable he was with this whole situation made me wonder how he could ever have even participated in the challenge to begin with. He wouldn't even come within ten feet of me and he wouldn't look at me and he definitely wouldn't repeat some random inappropriate comment about me even to me. I had a pretty good feeling that he wouldn't have gone through with it if my eyes hadn't been covered that night; if he'd had to meet my gaze even once while we did what we did, it never would've even happened.

I let out a heavy sigh and nodded, accepting that that was probably all the information I was going to get out of him, and he wasted no time in hurrying to get to the locker room. "Hey Sid?" I called, just as his hand went up to grab the door handle and he paused, not pulling the door open, but not otherwise acknowledging me. "I'm sorry. For what I've done to the team. If I'd known it would cause all these problems-....."

Sidney turned around then and, this time, it was I who had to look down from the intensity of a stare as he took two steps toward me, small enough that he was still a good distance away, but not so small that I couldn't appreciate the effort of the gesture as comforting. "You have nothing to be sorry for, Audrey. We're all adults here. We all individually made the decision to participate in that thing and we all have to deal with the consequences."

I'm sure he probably meant that to be helpful or something of that sort, but it didn't make me feel better at all. Of course it was true, I knew that, but the way he said it just made me feel worse. Yeah, we all had to deal with the consequences of choosing to go through with that challenge, but selfishly, I couldn't help but feel that my consequences sucked just a teensy bit more than theirs did. I mean sure, they had a little bit of a spat in practice and some awkwardness between a couple of their players, but I'd lost literally all of my friends except Beau, and even he felt a little bit distant now.

I watched Sidney disappear through the double doors before I slid down the wall to plop on the floor and I pulled out my phone again as I curled my legs up indian style to wait for the one last player I needed to have some words with. He was usually pretty fast with taking his showers, always one of the first few out after practices, so I knew I wouldn't have to wait long for him to show himself.

The first time the doors opened, I made the mistake of looking up because I expected it to be him, but it wasn't. Kris let the door slam shut behind him, not even flinching at the loud noise because he froze mid-step when he saw that I was actually looking at him for the first time since I decided to just stop trying to communicate a month ago instead of keeping my head down and my eyes focused on my screen. "Audrey, hi," he said softly, offering the tiniest of smiles to go along with it.

"Hi," I offered flatly in return.

"How are you?"

I bit my lip to keep back the bitter laugh threatening to spill out and shook my head before turning my attention back to my phone. "Just excellent."

He watched me type a few random words into a text to no one (making myself look busy was the most basic part of my strategy) before he sighed heavily and walked away, presumably down to the doors that led to the players' parking area. I didn't even bother looking up when the door opened the next time because whoever was coming out into the hallway was whistling cheerfully and that definitely meant it wasn't who I was was waiting for anyway. I only glanced down the hallway once he was on the other end by the doors to see that it was Kunitz. Of course.

The next time the door opened, I followed the same protocol, waiting until he walked past me to look up and see who it was, but as soon as my mind had registered that it was my intended target, I scrambled to my feet. "Hey, just what in the hell did you think you were doing?"

He spun around, obviously surprised that I was actually addressing him and that he was finally going to have to talk to me after three months of absolutely nothing. "Aud, what are you-"

"You can't just say inappropriate shit about me in front of him, Brandon! He's my boyfriend."

"I didn't mean for him to hear it, I swear-"

"It doesn't matter," I cut him off, shaking my head. "You shouldn't have said it at all."

"I know," he muttered, dropping his gaze from mine like he was embarrassed. "I was gonna apologize just now but he won't come near me."

"Can you blame him?" I snapped but then I felt bad because he looked genuinely sorry. I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned back against the wall with a sigh. "Give him a day or two and then try again."

"Yeah," he agreed, nodding once, and he shoved his hands into his pockets to mindlessly jingle his keys. "Hey Audrey, look, I owe you an apology too. I don't know if he told you what I said, or-....I mean, I guess it doesn't really matter but-....I'm sorry."

I was honestly surprised to hear that. Of course I agreed 100% that he should apologize to Beau for whatever comment he'd off-handedly made because it had obviously upset him to the point where he threw a punch (and a pretty nasty one, considering the slightly puffy red outline of Brandon's left eye that would definitely become a full blown shiner). But even though it was about me, I wasn't there to hear it so I wasn't expecting him to apologize to me. It was really nice though and I appreciated it. "Thanks, Brandon. That's very Canadian of you."

He cracked a smile for a brief moment but then things almost immediately went back to being awkward again. "So I guess I'll, uh, see you around then?"

"Probably not," I said softly, giving him a small smile that I hoped wasn't too pathetically transparent. Whether Beau and I survived this whole thing remained to be seen, but regardless, I knew I wasn't going to be seeing the rest of the guys around anytime soon. I'd probably stop coming to practice altogether and I'd probably just watch the games from my sofa instead of seeing them in person at Consol.

I guess he understood what I meant by that because he just nodded like he understood and turned to walk away. I went back to browsing my instagram feed on my phone until the door opened again and I heard Beau mumble something to me. When I looked up, he seemed even more irritated than when he went in; he just jerked his head in the direction of the exit and I slipped my phone back into my coat pocket before I followed him down the hall. It was tough to keep up with the huge strides his long legs made, especially in the three inch high boots I was wearing but by the time I reached him at the car, he'd only just thrown his bag into the back seat.

I couldn't stand riding all the way back to his and Bortz's apartment in silence so I turned the stereo on as soon as I started the car, even though it ended up playing some weird mix cd he'd shoved into my cd player a month ago. Once we pulled out onto the road, I couldn't help glancing over at him every few seconds, but he only stared out his side window, his body angled away from me toward the door. "Where do you want to get some lunch?"

"Not hungry," he replied with a sort of angry pout that reminded me of how my four year old cousin looks when she doesn't get her way.

He was out of the car as soon as we were parked at his building, before I could even get my seat belt off. He snatched his bag out of the back and threw it over his shoulder as he slowly climbed the stairs, digging his keys out of his pocket. Once he'd unlocked the door, he went inside, leaving it standing wide open, so I took that as an okay for me to follow. His duffel bag was left abandoned in the hallway as he shuffled over to the sofa, flopping down on it and grabbing the remote to turn the television on. I just watched him as he flipped through channels for a few minutes before finally giving up, tossing the remote onto the coffee table with a huff. He crossed his arms over his chest and glared at the tv, his jaw clenched.

I sighed as I sank down into the chair across from him. "It bothers you too much, doesn't it?"

"What?"

"What happened with the challenge," I clarified. "It bothers you."

"Of course it bothers me!" he exploded suddenly, shooting up from his lying position. "You fucked four of my teammates!"

"You knew that when we started dating, Beau! It's not like that was some surprise I just sprung on you!"

"Yeah, well maybe I didn't realize how much it was gonna suck to have to think about it every time I'm around them."

"Look, if I could take it back, believe me, I would in a heartbeat. But I can't. So tell me what to do, Beau. Tell me how to make everything okay. Whatever it is, I'll do it, I just-.....I want us to be okay."

He just stared at me for the longest ten seconds ever before he sighed and moved to sit up on the edge of the sofa, raking his hands through his hair. "I don't know."

My heart sank the instant I heard the defeat that hung so heavily on his words. All the air left my lungs and my chest felt so tightly constricted that I couldn't take in another deep breath, only short, shallow ones. "There's nothing I can do, is there?" I finally asked, but my voice was so shaky that I honestly wasn't sure he could even understand me. "I can't make it okay. It's a deal breaker for you and there's nothing I can do or say that'll change that. Is there?"

"I'm sorry, Audrey. I don't know what you want me to say."

"Say I'm wrong."

He opened his mouth to respond but must have thought better of it because he snapped it closed again after a moment, instead just staring at me with this sad, sort of guilty look on his face. My eyes welled up with tears as I watched him slowly shake his head because we both knew he couldn't do it. He couldn't honestly tell me that I was wrong, that it wasn't such a huge problem that we couldn't fix it. It was a deal breaker for him, as I should've known it would be for mostly any guy.

I sniffled, quickly brushing the tears from the corners of my eyes as I pushed myself up out of my chair, preparing to make my hasty exit. "Go make up with Brandon," I said quietly. "Go get your teammates together and work your shit out and tell them that I won't be a problem anymore."

"Aud," he started, sounding dejected, but I couldn't let him say anything else because I knew I was going to start bawling any minute and I had to get this out.

"You guys should be focusing on hockey. It's your job, it's your life. So your relationship with your teammates is infinitely more important than your relationship with me. I fucked things up for us, Beau. You asked me not to do the challenge, but I did it anyway, and because of that, I ruined probably the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. And now I'm losing my boyfriend, but I'm also losing my best friend. You've been excellent at both and I'm just sorry that I don't measure up. I screwed this up before it ever even had a chance."

"Audrey, please-"

"I love you, Beau," I cut him off again because I was full on crying now and I had to get out of there before I totally lost it, but I needed him to know. We'd been together for a few months, but we'd never said the words to each other as a couple, only when we were friends before. I knew that I was completely head over heels in love with him, but I just hadn't had the courage to say it yet because I'd been too scared. Now that I had nothing left to lose, I figured I might as well. I wanted him to know how much he meant to me, even if it wasn't reciprocated. "I love you so much and I'm sorry. For everything."

The look on his face alone was enough to draw out the sob I'd been barely holding back and I quickly covered my mouth with my hand as I shot out of the living room, pulling the front door open and getting the hell out of there as fast as my legs could carry me.