Bombshell

I had no clue what I was doing. I knew I didn't really have a right to be there because we weren't a couple anymore, or even friends, and I hadn't seen him in months, except for that one sighting from across the room at the gala. But just knowing that he was going into surgery made me nervous enough that I felt like I had to be there. I had texted his younger sister to find out what day it was scheduled for and she told me, but only after asking a billion questions about me and him. I tried to avoid giving her any real answers and I begged her not to tell him that she'd talked to me; she very hesitantly agreed.

The surgery was scheduled for the upcoming Thursday at 8 o'clock sharp. Courtney questioned me when I told her that I wouldn't be coming in until lunch but I tried to remain as evasive as possible and she still seemed suspicious after I changed the subject. I didn't sleep at all Wednesday night, instead constantly looking over at my alarm clock and wondering if he was lying in bed in his apartment across town, worried about it himself.

I was still staring at the ceiling when my alarm went off at 7:15 and I dragged myself out of bed, having not shut my eyes for a single moment the entire night. After a quick shower, I pulled on some comfortable clothes, tied my hair up in a ponytail, and slid my feet into my flip flops before grabbing my bag on my way out the door. It took a little longer for me to get to the hospital than I had planned because I hadn't even thought about the morning rush, but by the time I stopped for a caffeine fix at Starbucks and got to the main hospital entrance, it was only ten minutes past.

I had no clue what floor he was on but it didn't really matter because it wasn't like I going to get to see him. I wasn't even going to find out how it went and if he was doing okay after, but just being in the same building somehow made me feel a little more at ease so I picked out an uncomfortable chair in the lobby and just settled myself in to wait. The hospital wasn't very busy from what I could tell, only three or four people hanging around besides me and the employees at the huge wooden front desk. I tried to occupy myself by looking at my twitter feed but getting my phone out was a huge mistake because I ended up scrolling through the pictures in my camera roll instead, and of course I started crying. Seeing all those photos and remembering the things that were going on when they were taken was a punch to the gut that I didn't need and just couldn't handle at the present time.

I shoved my phone back into my bag and wiped my cheeks, pulling my feet up onto the edge of my seat as I tried to think about something else-- anything else. My fingers fumbled with the too long sleeves of the faded blue hoodie that I'd enveloped myself in before I left the apartment. I'd caved in and dug it out of the back of my closet that night after the gala for some reason. It still smelled like him, or at least my mind had convinced me it did, and somehow it comforted me. I'd worn it around the apartment every day since its sudden reappearance into my life. Luckily, Dylan didn't think anything of it and therefore didn't ask me any questions about it. He did watch me a little more closely though and I was pretty sure I'd heard him talking to Courtney on the phone and telling her everything that he knew. She was no doubt going to interrogate me sometime soon.

I sat there in that same chair, unmoving, for what felt like hours. My back was starting to hurt, my butt had gone numb, and I was starting to get a headache from the lack of breakfast when a familiar voice called my name from somewhere over by the elevators. My head snapped up immediately and even after my eyes found the person talking to me, it took my brain a moment to register who she was. "Oh! Lou-....Mrs. Bennett, I-....."

"It is you!" she grinned, walking the rest of the distance between us and pulling me out of my chair to hug me. "It's been so long. How are you, sweetie?"

"I-I'm okay. How are you?"

"Gosh, things have been so busy, I've barely had time to even breathe!" I had no doubts about how busy she was. She still had a teenage daughter at home to keep up with, plus the three sons who were off in various places playing hockey. Now she was obviously here to help Beau before and after his surgery, a job that would have been mine.

She only just seemed to realize that I had no good reason to be sitting in the lobby of the hospital at not even 10 o'clock in the morning on a gloomy Thursday when I had a job I should be at. "What are you doing here?"

It was polite enough, genuinely curious and not in any way accusatory, but I still felt like I should be ashamed when I answered her. "I, uh, heard about the surgery and-....I guess I didn't really have the right to but-....I texted Bailey and she told me when it was and I just-....I don't know, felt like I needed to be here."

Louanna nodded like she understood exactly what I meant and then she grabbed my hand to pull me down with her as she sat in the chair I had previously occupied. "We were all so disappointed when he told us you guys were over. The whole family loves you so much."

I was already feeling shitty, but now it was ten times worse and I thought I might start crying again at any moment. I swallowed the lump in my throat and nodded solemnly. "I love all you guys too."

"He misses you, you know."

My mouth went dry, my tongue feeling like sandpaper while she scrutinized me. I could tell she was looking for some kind of reaction, but I didn't know which one she wanted. I just tried to remain as neutral as possible but of course I'd never been particularly good at that and my eyes started filling up with tears. I blinked them back before they could fall and tried to breathe to calm myself but it came out shaky. I wondered what he'd told his family about why we broke up. I hoped he at least spared them the version his teammates got, but I was pretty confident saying that they'd gotten some weak cliche story instead to save the both of us. If he'd told his family the same thing he told his team, there's no way his mom would have been so nice and there's definitely no way in hell his sister would have given me any information. She was protective over all of her big brothers.

"I miss him too," I finally muttered because I couldn't come up with anything more articulate and I also couldn't lie to her. After the past few years, she knew me too well.

"Why don't you come back up with me?" she suggested, glancing down at the thin gold watch on her wrist. "He should be out of surgery and into recovery within the next fifteen minutes or so."

"N-no, that's okay. I shouldn't." The thought of coming face to face with him again, now, made me want to throw up. Even if he'd still be super groggy from the anesthesia, I didn't think I could do it. "He needs to rest and I don't want to cause any unnecessary stress."

"Oh, hush, you wouldn't cause any stress. But if you'd rather not, I understand."

"And Mrs. Bennett?"

She tilted her head slightly to the side in a chiding way and smiled. "It's Louanna to you. You know that."

"Right," I chuckled uneasily, because that was okay when Beau and I were friends and when we were dating, but I didn't think I had the right to be on such familiar terms with her anymore. "Um, could you maybe not mention this to him?"

Her brows furrowed and a slight frown took over her usually smiling face. "Of course, if that's what you want. But I'm sure he'd love to know that you were here for him."

"I don't know about that," I mumbled, shaking my head. "But thank you."

She gave me a sympathetic smile before pulling me into a final hug. "Take care of yourself, sweetie." I nodded against her shoulder and she gave me a gentle squeeze before she let me go and got up from her chair to continue on her journey to the cafeteria where she'd been headed before she spotted me sitting there. She came back out a few minutes later with her breakfast in a styrofoam container and she threw me one last smile and wave as she headed back over to the elevators.

I sat there silently for a few more minutes before I finally grabbed my bag and got up to leave. I still wasn't ready to go, but I still had to go home to change clothes and fix my hair into some style other than my current messy ponytail and hopefully have time to get some food before I went in to work. All I could do now on my power walk back to the apartment was hope Mrs. Bennett kept her word and pray that Courtney wasn't too ruthless with her questioning when she saw me.

-

I thought I'd gotten away with it when I didn't hear from anyone. I just counted my blessings and went on with my life, trying to forget about him again, because I'd finally gotten to a good place before that gala. Courtney did interrogate me but the only things I told her were the same things that Dylan had because I wasn't about to give either of them any more information than that. She was able to gather where I'd been from the information I did give her, but she didn't ask me why I went and after that she dropped it completely. I think she understood.

It wasn't until a week and a half later that anything came from it. I'd just spent my Saturday morning at the grocery store because I hadn't had a chance to go during the week and my food supply at home was seriously lacking. Courtney and Dylan were having one of their dorky fondue parties later on which I secretly loved and I had exactly four hours to get home, unpack the groceries and put them away, eat something for lunch, take a shower, put on something a little nicer than my current tee shirt-hoodie-shorts-flip flops combo, and get all the way to Shadyside to help prepare food and get set up before guests arrived at 6.

I felt like my heart was going to beat right out of my chest when I pulled into the lot of my apartment building and saw a familiar blue jeep parked in my usual spot. I parked in the empty space next to it, glancing over to see if he was in there, but he wasn't so I took my sweet time getting the bags out of my car and walking up the flight of stairs to my floor, trying to mentally prepare myself. I saw him as soon as I rounded the corner, his hood pulled up over his head and one hand stuffed into the pocket of his jeans as he leaned his back against my door. His other hand was encased in a thick cast, from his knuckles all the way up past his elbow.

I took a deep breath as I approached but he didn't notice I was there until I spoke.

"Should you be driving in your condition?"

His whole body jerked upright and he turned his head to look over his shoulder at me, reaching up to pull his hood back. "It's not that hard driving one-handed. And I'm off the pain meds."

"Already?"

"I don't want the recovery to be any longer than it has to be."

I shifted the bags in my arms and nodded, looking away from his face as I chewed on my bottom lip. He didn't say anything else even though I felt like he was waiting to so I shuffled over to my door and shoved the key into the lock, trying my best to unlock it one handed. As soon as I shoved the door open with my shoulder, the sound of little paws padding across the hard wood floors hit my ears and Cleo came running to greet me excitedly but when she saw a stranger walk in behind me, she started barking. Beau froze in surprise at the new addition to my apartment but I just set my bags down on the counter and went over to the stereo where it was plugged in on the white shelf under the television.

"You got a dog?" he asked over her less than vicious snarls and snorts. "I thought you weren't much of an animal person."

"Yeah, I know. But I saw her at the shelter, and I just fell in love. Couldn't come home without her." Anyone who knew me knew that was a big deal for me. I never had any pets growing up, but my uncle had this huge dog that used to scare the shit out of my sister and me. He chased us and snapped at us for no reason and was pretty much just the most evil creature on the planet. My tenth birthday party ended with a trip to the hospital and four stitches thanks to him biting me and I never forgave him for it. Up until I started spending time with Courtney and Dylan and their little chihuahua, I'd never come close to any other dogs, big or small.

"Is she always like this?"

I glanced over at him but he was looking down at her where she was running around him in circles and jumping up to bounce off of his leg, all the while yelping in a way I'm sure she probably thought was intimidating but was really just cute. As soon as I pressed play on the stereo, all the noise she was making stopped completely and she paused her attacks to trot over to the living area where I was. Beau just watched her amazed as she plopped herself down in her plush pink doggy bed and laid down quietly before he looked back at me with raised brows for an explanation.

"She likes the music. It calms her."

"Tupac calms her," he stated skeptically.

I didn't blame him for not believing me, but it was true. When I first brought her home, she would whine and cry at night so I would get back up and hold her for awhile. I turned my iTunes on shuffle one night while I sat with her and when Dr. Dre came on, she stopped whining and stopped shaking and just laid down and went to sleep on my lap. Ever since then, if she needed to be calmed down, I'd just play the same kind of music and she'd chill out immediately. I wasn't sure why, but I didn't question it. She was a pretty odd dog, but I loved her.

"She loves rap," I shrugged. "Mostly the old stuff. Although she does like Jay Z and sometimes Kanye."

"That's honestly the weirdest thing I've ever heard. Figures you'd end up with a dog like that."

"Yeah," I chuckled. "She's pretty special."

It almost felt normal for a moment there, but it went back to unbearably awkward as soon as the conversation lulled. I wanted to go back into the kitchen to put the groceries away just so I'd have something to do and something to look at other than him, but he was standing between me and there. I had to pass him to get back to the kitchen and when I did, his arm brushed mine. Just the warmth of his body through my sleeve and his, and the familiar scent of his cologne was enough to send me running the last few steps just to get as far away from him as possible. I wasn't ready for this and it was only becoming more clear to me the longer he was there.

"Is that my sweatshirt?" he asked out of the blue.

I paused on my way to the fridge and looked down at myself, only just now realizing that I was in fact wearing the faded blue hoodie. Ever since I dug it out of the back of my closet, I'd become accustomed to wearing it all the time again and it didn't even dawn on me when I saw him standing in front of my door. "Um...yeah. It is. D-do you....want it back?"

"I gave it to you," was his only answer, accompanied by the slightest hint of a smile. My mind went back to the night that happened-- we were huddled up in his dorm room playing twenty questions and drinking cheap vodka straight out of the bottle because it was the middle of a snow storm and we couldn't go do anything outside. He'd wrapped us both up in his burgundy comforter but I still whined about how cold I was and he'd finally gotten annoyed enough that he untangled himself from me and grabbed the first hoodie he saw in his closet to toss directly at my face. He never got it back after that night.

I nodded dumbly, trying to push the memory out of my mind and decide what the hell I should do next as I continued on to put the fresh carton of milk into the fridge. He pulled out one of the dark gray chairs at my tiny table and sat down, just watching me while I put the rest of my things away into their appropriate places and once I was done, I finally turned around to face him. I knew he was still waiting to say something, but for some reason, he just wouldn't do it, so I did it for him.

"So I guess your mom told you we talked then?"

"My mom?" he asked, looking up to meet my eyes, confused. "No, Bailey told me you asked about me last week. When did you talk to my mom?"

I winced, realizing that I'd essentially just shot myself in the foot by not waiting for him to start the conversation. He hadn't even known about it and now I'd just thrown it right out there into the open. Good fucking job, Audrey.

"Okay, don't get mad but-....I mean, I wasn't planning on seeing or talking to anyone; I just....felt like I needed to be there. But your mom came down to the cafeteria while you were in surgery and she saw me and-"

He cut me off. "You were at the hospital?"

"I'm sorry, I know it wasn't my place. I don't have the right anymore."

"No, no," He shook his head vehemently. "Audrey, fuck--"

I chanced a glance up at him but he wasn't looking at me anymore. He raked his good hand through his hair and sighed heavily before pushing himself up out of his chair. I watched him the whole time he was walking toward where I was leaned back against the counter and he didn't stop until he was close enough that my crossed arms were brushing against his stomach. "That means a lot," he mumbled before biting down on his lip as he finally met my eyes.

Shrugging, I dropped my gaze because looking into those blue eyes for too long was torture and I could already feel my heart pounding in my chest. I was pretty sure it wouldn't be able to take much more. "You make it hard for people to not care about you."

The words tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop them and I surprised not only myself, but him too, judging by the way he quickly sucked in a breath. His hand came up to hover over my shoulder like he wanted to touch me but after a moment, he thought better of it and dropped it to his side again with a sigh.

"I miss you," he confessed quietly and I had to squeeze my eyes shut as the words hit me square in the chest, knocking the air right out of my lungs and sending my heart rate out of control.

"I miss you too."

He almost looked relieved by my response and the corners of his mouth picked up a little into an almost smile. "Look, Aud, I, uh....Well, I'm going home tomorrow, but I'll be coming back to Pittsburgh early to rehab my hand so....Can I, um, see you maybe? When I get back?"

"Yeah," I nodded, clearing my throat because my voice was beginning to crack under the strain of trying to keep it steady. "That might be okay."

For the first time in months, he actually smiled at me, a full on honest-to-God smile that crinkled the corners of his eyes, and I felt my heart stutter at the wave of nostalgia it brought. "Good," he said with a slight chuckle and his eyes widened a little when he looked at the black clock on the wall over the refrigerator. "Shit, I gotta go, but-....I'll see you when I get back?"

I nodded silently and he leaned in to kiss my cheek before jerking back quickly, looking about as surprised as I felt. "Yeah, just, um, text me when you're back in Pitt. My number's still the same."

"Okay," he agreed and he just stood there awkwardly for a moment before nodding and turning to leave.

I waited until the door was shut behind him before I went over to collapse onto my sofa, forgetting all about the long list of things I had to do and the few short hours I had to do them.