As We Gamble With Desire

I pulled the manila envelope off the top of the pile and examined it closely before I opened it. I knew what it was, I had known since my secretary has laid it on my desk earlier that day. I just didn’t want to believe it.

The envelop felt cold and stiff in my hands. But knowing it had to be done eventually, I opened it and laid the contents out in front of me. It was a stack of papers that I had been expecting for much too long. They were the divorce papers that Jennifer’s lawyer said that I would be receiving. She was the one divorcing me, and everyone thought that it would be the other way around. No one seemed to think that she was good enough for me.

At that moment all the tears that I had been holding back since Jennifer left, hit me at once. She had left me for another woman. I was guessing that this other woman was smarter, younger, and prettier than me. That seemed to be the kind of women that she was attracted to anyways. I never caught Jennifer cheating on me, but she always thought about it. I could see the longing in her eyes. But I loved her, so I tried to ignore the fact that she flirted with every cute girl she saw, and focused on making our relationship work, and for nine years it did. But suddenly, she dumps me like a pair of dirty gym socks and moved on to another unsuspecting woman.

My daughter must have heard me crying from her room because she came running into the kitchen with her box of 102 Dalmatian tissues.

“What’s wrong mommy?” she asked as she handed me the tissues. I was going to tell her that nothing was wrong, but when I looked into her eyes I could see that she knew something was going on. I didn’t want to be one of those mothers who lied to my daughter from the start so I decided to tell her the truth, at least most of it.

“Everything’s all right honey,” I said as she climbed onto my lap, “Mommy’s just a little sad.”
“Oh,” she said as if she had just been hit by a deep thought. Then out of nowhere she turns around and gives me the biggest hug that her three year old arms could manage. She held onto me tight and I held on too. I needed that hug more than she would ever know.

Just as quickly as she hugged me, she turned back around and looked at the table. Looking around her eyes stopped on the pile of papers in front of us. Being the inquisitive one she is, she instantly wanted to know everything about them.

“What’s that mommy?” Alex asked pointing at the papers, “Is that what made your eyes leak?”

“They are papers that mommy Jenny sent,” I said laughing a little to myself about how she described my crying. I slipped my arms around her waist, so that I could feel like I was keeping her close to me. My daughter was all that I had left.

“That’s what made you sad, isn’t it?” she asked, glaring at the papers. I didn’t answer right away because I didn’t want to have to explain to her why they made me sad. But she must have taken my non-answer as an answer because within seconds she was on her feet yelling at the stack of papers as if they were a person who had done something wrong. It took me five minutes to get her to stop yelling, but as soon as I did, she began to cry.

“What’s wrong honey?” I ask, glad that I finally got to be the mom. I bent down so that I could be at her height and look into her eyes.

“I miss mommy Jenny,” she said, burying her head into my shoulder and almost knocking me over.

“I do too honey,” I said as I lifted her up and carried her over to the couch, “I do too.” We sat on the couch for a long time, crying and thinking. After both of us had calmed down, I promised to take Alex to get ice cream, and see the dinosaurs the next day.

I picked Alex up off my lap and carried her into her room to put her to bed. Since it was almost eleven, I was hoping that she would fall asleep quickly. I laid her down in the bed and pulled the covers up around her, and she instantly rolled over. I thought she was asleep as I started to walk towards the door, I heard Alex whisper, “I love you mommy,”

“I love you too Alex,” I whispered back, as I turned off her light and shut the door. Normally I leave her door open at night but I needed to deal with the divorce papers and I didn’t want her to hear me.

I walked back into the kitchen, knowing I wasn’t going to be able to sleep anyways, so I turned on the coffee maker. I figured that if I was going to be up all night staring at legal documents, I needed a cup of coffee. Instead of being naive and just signing the papers, I settled in for a long boring read. Since Jennifer was a lawyer I had learned never to sign something without reading it first.

I got about half way through the document before I realized that Jennifer wasn’t really asking for anything in the separation. I had already passed the section that covered our house, which was worth 2.8 million dollars, and she wasn’t trying to take any of my money. That surprised me because Jennifer could easily take me for half of what I was worth. With the money that she would get, she wouldn’t have to work another day in her life if she didn’t want to. I thought that I was out of danger until I got to the section that covered Alex.

I had just assumed that since I was Alex’s birthmother she would automatically stay with me. I never expected Jennifer to try and take her from me. But that’s exactly what she was doing. Jennifer was fighting for sole custody of Alex, as her second parent. I dropped the papers out of disgust and surprise.

I instantly grabbed the phone and was half way through dialing Jennifer’s cell phone before I realized what I was doing. I hung up, and slammed the phone down onto the table, trying my best to hold back tears. I needed someone to talk to, but I couldn’t think of anyone else to call. Then it hit me. I should probably call my lawyer, who just happened to be my best friend. Jeremy was the one that had handled mine and Jennifer’s marriage, our second parent adoption of Alex, and now sadly our divorce.

I dialed quickly, and placed the phone up to my ear. It rang three times before he answered. When he finally did, he was out of breath like he’d run for the phone. He probably had his boyfriend over and I had interrupted their intimate moment.

“God Erin,” Jeremy said, still trying to catch his breath, “Do you have any idea what time it is!”

“It is exactly,” I said as I looked at my watch, “11:18 PM. I also know that you weren’t asleep. I bet Anthony is sitting beside you now.”

“Hi Erin!” I heard Anthony say in the background. I also heard something that sounded like Jeremy hitting him in the arm because he yelled, “OW!”

“You know me too well,” Jeremy said, “So what’s your reason for calling at such an unreasonable hour of the night?”

“Jennifer’s taking legal action against me,” I said plainly.

“No surprise there,” He said, “We were expecting that.”

“But what we weren’t expecting is that Jennifer is trying to take Alex from me.”

“SHE’S WHAT?!?!” Jeremy screamed, causing a very loud “What the hell?” from Anthony in the background.

“She wants Alex,” I said, doing my best not to break down.

“She can’t do that,” Jeremy said, a vote of confidence in his voice.

“And why not,” I asked, “Because she isn’t her mother? News flash Jeremy, She is! Thanks to our second parent adoption that we thought was such a good idea at the time.”

“Because you’re Alex’s birthmother,” he said, “She belongs with you.” There was a pause as I was thinking over what Jeremy had said. Jeremy took in a quick breath and I figured that Anthony had gotten tired of waiting for Jeremy to get off the phone. Disgusted as I was, I knew that I had interrupted their time together so I tried to be as nice as possible.

“I know that I interrupted your intimate moment but can you two wait for five more minutes!” I hadn’t meant to yell, but it came out that way anyways. I collapsed back into my chair, trying to control my anger so that I didn’t lose it on Jeremy who hadn’t done anything to me.

“Sorry,” Jeremy said sheepishly.

“I’m sorry too,” I said, “I just can’t bear the thought of losing both of my girls at the same time.”

“And you won’t,” he said, “I’ll call you tomorrow and let you know what our course of action is going to be. But now I need to go, bye!”

The line went dead, and I couldn’t help but shiver. I loved Jeremy like a brother, but I didn’t want to think about Jeremy and Anthony in bed together.
Since signing the divorce papers wasn’t really an option I left everything in the kitchen as it was and headed off to bed.

In the months since Jennifer left, the hardest thing at night has been falling asleep and waking up to an empty bed. The first few nights I didn’t sleep at all. It was too weird not having her beside me breathing. After nine years together, I didn’t know what to do in a bed alone. When we were together, and she went off on a business trip I could handle it because I knew that she would be home. But sleeping in a bed that I knew was going to always be empty was too much.

Even when I was pregnant with Alex, Jennifer was always there. In those nine months I as a giant hippo, that took more than my half of the bed. But Jennifer didn’t care. She always said that I was beautiful. Knowing that I was bringing our child into the world was enough for her to put aside everything else and stay with me.

There would be nights when I just wasn’t able to sleep. Instead of going back to sleep herself, she stayed up with me, until I fell asleep. Most nights, she would read her favorite poem, “The Negro Speaks of Rivers” by Langston Hughes. I fell in love with it the first time I read it, and to this day, it’s still Alex’s favorite poem. She doesn’t know why she knows it, but she does know that it reminds her of Jennifer and she hasn’t asked me to read it to her since Jennifer left us.

I learned the hard way that thinking about Jennifer was the only way I was able to sleep at night. It brought back the good memories I had of her but it also brought back all the hurt. On the days when I could afford to go to work the next day on no sleep, I tried not to think about her but on the nights like tonight when I needed sleep to keep up with Alex I had to. I let my last good memory of her run though my mind as I fell asleep.
….
The next morning Alex decided that it was a good idea to wake me up at seven am. It was extremely difficult to be mad at her because she was just too cute as she bounced on my bed yelling “Dinosaurs! Dinosaurs!”

When she saw that I was awake she stopped bouncing and lay down on her back. She lifted her head backwards and watched me upside down.

“Morning little monster!” I said as I sat up.

“Morning mommy,” she yelled as she rolled over and started bouncing again.

“Honey, how long have you been up, and did you try to get yourself breakfast?” I asked, rolling out of bed, and putting on my Reptar slippers. Alex and I shared a love of the Rugrats.

“Two Rugrats episodes!” she said, jumping off the bed.

“Did you eat anything?” I asked, already knowing the answer. I could see the remains of the Fruit Loops that she had eaten on her pajamas.

“Fruit Loops!” she said excitedly.

“Well,” I said trying to suppress a smile,” What do little monsters need to do before they can go see the dinosaurs?” I asked.

“Put away my toys and brush my teefs!” Alex said as she ran out of my room, so she could clean up her toys. I couldn’t help but smile at the way she said teeth.

“Right,” I said to the empty room. I walked over to my closet, and pulled out the first clothes that I found. Since it was Saturday I decided that it was okay if I didn’t look extremely nice. Alex could care less, especially if she was getting to see the dinosaurs. I ended up pulling out my L word hoodie. Along with my I heart Idina shirt, and a pair of blue jeans. I hated dressing nice, and I only did it when it was entirely necessary. Unfortunately with my job, this was quite often.

I never wore skirts though. When I did dress nice it was always a pant suit. Wearing dresses and skirts went against my personal dress code. This dress code also stated that on weekends I was to wear only comfortable clothes unless I was going to a party or a fancy restaurant.

I threw on my clothes and walked into the bathroom so I could decide what I wanted to do with my hair. Some days I loved my hair and other days, like today, it wouldn’t do anything. So I quickly threw it back into a ponytail. Alex came running into my bathroom, fully dressed. Or at least she thought she was. Her shirt was on backwards, and her shoes were on the wrong feet.

“I’m ready mommy!” She said, as she spun around like a model.

“Me too!” I said. I bent down to her level and looked her in the eyes. She knew what was coming, but she didn’t run away like she normally does. That became part of the game too, me having to chase her down. I picked her up and started to spin in circles. This had become one of her favorite games. I still haven’t figured out why. But I did know why I liked it. When we spun around, a look of utter happiness spread across her little face. It was a look that should be there much more often than it was. If we weren’t spinning around, or visiting the dinosaurs, I hadn’t seen that happiness since Jennifer left.

When I sat her down she teetered on the spot for a moment, and then fell over. She lay on the carpet laughing, because the room was still spinning. I lifted her back to her feet, tickling her sides as I did so. That was another thing we had in common, we were both extremely ticklish. She giggled with delight as she tried to squirm away from the tickle monster.

She finally broke free and ran to the opposite side of the room, pretending to hide behind a curtain hanging from my window. Knowing that she’d be back in a second, I played into her game. I started to look for her in obvious places like under my bed and behind the bathroom door.

Right on cue Alex jumped out from behind the curtain and yelled “Here I am!” She ran back over to me and started yelling “Again mommy, again!” as she jumped up and down clapping her hands together. She looked like a child who was just promised a trip to Disney Land.

“One more time,” I said trying to pretend like I was resisting, even if I wanted to do it again as much as she did. I loved seeing my daughter so happy.

I slipped my hands under her little arms, and picked her up. As soon as her feet left the ground the phone started to ring. Alex’s happiness immediately disappeared. We both knew who was calling, and it wasn’t who we hoped it was. Every time the phone had rang since Jennifer left, we both hoped it would be her. This time I knew it wasn’t. It was Jeremy returning my call from last night. We spun for another second and then I set a disappointed Alex down on my bed and made a run for the phone. I managed to grab it right before it went to voicemail.

“Hello?” I said out of breath and still dizzy from playing with Alex. I had to grab onto the desk to keep myself steady.

“Hey Erin,” Jeremy said. I could hear in his voice that something was wrong. I didn’t want to hear it, but it was important. I knew it was.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, more sternly than I had meant to.

“I talked to Jennifer’s lawyer today and…” Jeremy said, trailing off.

“And what?” I asked, trying not to let the panic show through in my voice.

“She either wants half of everything you’re worth of Alex.” He said, matter-of-factly.

“She can have all the money and the house!” I said steadily growing angrier, “But she sure as hell can’t think that I’d give up my daughter without one hell of a fight!”

“That’s exactly what I told them.” Jeremy said, pausing, as if trying to collect his thoughts. “Jennifer should know you better than that... That’s why she didn’t go after any of your money to start with. She knew that she could get more out of you if she traded the money for Alex.”

“God, you make her sound like such a horrible person,” I said, sinking down into my desk chair.

“Well she left you. That makes you the victim here.” Jeremy said, taking on his lawyer voice.

“Which means what?” I asked, confused.

“It means that we aren’t going to let her have any of it. Because you are not only Alex’s birthmother but the victim in the divorce too, the judge will be more inclined to see things your way.”

“Thank god,” I said, resting my head in my hands. “What do we do now?”

“I’m instructing you to have NO contact with her. Do you understand me?” Jeremy asked.

“Completely,” I said, taking a deep breath. “And Jeremy?”

“Yeah?” He asked cautiously.

“Thanks for being on my side and everything.”

“That’s what lawyers and best friends are for,” he said as he hung up the phone.
I hit the end key and set the receiver down on my desk. I couldn’t help but smile to myself. Even in this horrible situation, I could always count on Jeremy to be there.

I got out of the chair and walked over to my bed. I realized that Alex wasn’t there. She probably slipped out during my phone conversation. I sat down on my bed and fell backwards. I closed my eyes and tried to sort through the million thoughts that were going through my head. I laid like that for what felt like hours. I wasn’t sure how much time had passed when I heard the shuffling of little feet on my carpet

I sat up to look at what Alex was doing. She was walking in slowly, and solemn faced. She as if someone had just told her that Tommy from the Rugrats wasn’t a real person. She must not have been far while I was talking to Jeremy because the first thing she asked was “Is someone trying to take me away?”

When I looked into her eyes, I could see how worried she was that someone was going to take her from me. Alex was wise much beyond her three years.

“No one,” I said, lifting her onto my lap, “Is going to take my little monster from me.” I kissed the top of her head and we sat like that for a few minutes. I didn’t want to move because there I felt like I was able to protect her, to keep her close to me. I couldn’t lose her too.

“Good,” Alex finally said, “Because I don’t want to go anywhere without my mommy.”
Alex had no idea how much what she said meant to me. I couldn’t hold back the tears that started running down my face. It was the second time in twenty-four hours that my daughter had seen me cry and I didn’t like it. Alex jumped off my lap and started freaking out.

“Did I make you sad?” Alex asked with real concern in her voice.

“I’m not sad, honey,” I said smiling at her to prove it.

“Then why are your eyes leaking again?” she asked, starting to calm down a little.

“Because you make me so happy,” I said, wiping the last of the tears from my cheeks. I took a second to collect myself and then asked “Who’s ready to go see some dinosaurs?”

I could tell that Alex was still confused by whole ordeal, but the excitement of the dinosaurs over ruled her confusion.