As We Gamble With Desire

The Vancouver Dinosaur Museum for so many people only held memories of school field trips gone wrong, and screaming kids who were forced to look at the skeletons. But for Alex and I, it meant so much more. We stumbled upon it one day, and it has remained our little secret. Time after time we have returned their when we found ourselves in need of a deeper healing. One that conversation alone could not provide. So when we had that dull ache in our chest, it was no surprise that we both reverted to the place that we associated with healing and happiness.

Even at three years old, Alex knew all the names of the dinosaurs from memory. She loved to run around to each dinosaur skeleton and tell everyone standing around it what its name was, and what it ate. Most of the kids just looked at her, as if she were a bug under the microscope. But the parents always seemed to be impressed by how much she knew at such a young age. I couldn’t help but be proud of Alex. She was so smart for such a little girl, that it was amazing. After she had given her little speech, I’d always walk up behind her and place a hand on her shoulder. I would get comments like “Oh is that your daughter? She’s so smart,” or “You’re daughter is so cute!” Alex just smiled at me whenever people talked about her. She knew that I was proud of her, and she was proud of me. We shared a very strong mother and daughter bond.

After we had made it all the way through the museum, and Alex had given her little speech at least four times, we headed out to the children’s play place that the museum provided to give parents a break. Alex loved going in there to play because she was able to climb all over the dinosaurs outside that she wasn’t allowed to inside. It was always full of kids around Alex’s age, so there was never a shortage of friends to play with. There were so many kids running around that it could be mistaken for a zoo most of the time.

The museum took security precautions for the play area, such as stamping both the parents and the child’s hand with the same invisible number. They always checked to make sure that the parents and child’s number matched before they were permitted to leave the area. Alex and I had developed a ritual for getting into the play place. She would stand in line with me and hold my hand until we got our hands stamped. As soon as we stepped through the gate, she would squeeze my hand and run off to play. We had designated a table for me to sit at, where I could see her on every single one of the toys. I always sat at the same table so that if something happened, she would know exactly where to find me. The system had been working for us for almost a year.

I watched Alex run around for about an hour, and then a little girl walked up to her. They hugged and then started running around like mad people. Alex who had seemed to be running out of steam just minutes before now seemed to have a new burst of energy. I was so absorbed in watching Alex run around with the little girl that I didn’t see the man walk up to my table at first.

I wasn’t sure how long he had been standing there when he cleared his throat, startling me out of my trance. He looked apologetically at me, and then cleared his throat again.

“May I sit down?” He asked nervously, gesturing towards the bench beside me.

“Of course,” I said, scooting over to give him room, even though there was already plenty. I hadn’t had a man approach me in years and I wasn’t sure how to react. When neither one of us said anything, I turned back to the play area to try and spot Alex in the crowd. I found her on the Long Neck slide, still playing with the little girl. When she saw that I was looking at her she came running over to the bench.

“Hi mommy!” She said, as she kissed me on the cheek.

“Hey honey,” I said pushing the hair out of her eyes, “Are you having fun?”

“Lots.” She said with a grin. Then she turned to the man that was sitting on the bench too. “Hi Mr. Jeff,” She said as she waved at him. He waved back, and Alex ran back to the slide where the little girl was still waiting. Turning to me, the man looked me over once and said,

“So you’re one of Alex’s moms,” he asked. His comment caught me off guard. Most people can’t tell just by looking at me that I’m a lesbian, but some can.

“I’m not one of Alex’s moms,” I said in a firm tone, “I’m Alex’s mom.”

“Oh,” he said, as his face attempted to mirror an over ripe tomato. After an awkward pause he finally spoke again. “I’m sorry, there have been rumors going around the center that Alex had lesbian parents, and I just assumed…” he said, as he tried to keep his voice steady.

“Well,” I said, trying not to let my shock show in my voice. “Alex’s second mother and I broke up almost four months ago.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, “I didn’t know…”

“It’s alright,” I said. “I’m Erin. Alex’s birth mother.”

“Hi Erin,” he said, extending his hand for me to shake, “I’m Jeff, Lilly’s father.” We shook hands and that’s when it hit me that he knew Alex.

“How do you know my daughter?” I asked suddenly.

“I volunteer at the daycare center three times a week, sometimes more if my work schedule allows it.” He said, looking at me carefully.

“Ah,” I said, feeling relieved that he wasn’t some kind of stalker. “That’s how…” I said pausing, as the puzzle pieces fell into place, “you knew the rumors about me and Jennifer…”

“That would be it,” he said smiling. We watched the kids run around for another few minutes then Jeff turned to me and got a serious look on his face.

“Lilly and I are going out to lunch after this, would you be interested in gracing us with your beautiful presence?” he asked. Almost as if the girls had been planning with Jeff, they ran up at that moment and went, “Please mommy! I wanna go.”

“Please Ms. Erin? I’d especially like it very much if Alex could come please.” Lilly said, giving me the puppy dog pout, along with my daughter.

“It seems as though I’ve been out numbered!” I said.

“Does that mean that you’ll come?” Jeff asked, trying to hide his excitement.

“Yes,” I said, trying to pretend that it would be some great hassle, “That means that we’ll go.” Alex and Lilly started bouncing up and down with excitement and Jeff finally let the big smile that he had been trying to hide spread across his face.

Jeff and I sat there and ironed out the details about where we were going to go for lunch. We decided that we were going to go to the Moondance Diner. It was a little place that Alex and I had passed many times, but had never stopped in. Jeff said that they had some of the best food in Vancouver. I figured that I was going to have to trust him and take his word for it. We agreed to meet about half an hour after we all go out of the play area.

Getting to the Moondance diner proved to be easier said than done. I tried to follow the directions that Jeff had given me, but for some reason I still wasn’t able to find the diner. I remembered having passed it a million times going different places, but when it finally came time to try and find it, someone threw an invisibility cloak over it. Jeff had given me his cell phone number just in case I had a hard time finding the place, but I was hesitant to use it. I didn’t want to give him the impression that I was incapable of finding the place on my own, or that I was just calling because he gave me his phone number.

As the time began to reach the half hour mark that we had set, I broke down and called Jeff. It turns out that I was on West Sunset instead of East Sunset, where I really needed to be. Once I finally got on the correct street, I didn’t have any trouble at all finding it. The outside of the diner looked like an old fashioned mobile home, and it made me wonder what kind of food they served in a place that looked like it could fall apart at any second. I figured it deserved the benefit of the doubt, and so I did my best not to judge the book by its cover.

I pulled into the parking lot and parked my Ford Focus in the only available space. Alex jumped out of her seat as soon as I had turned the car off but I took my time in getting out of the car because I wasn’t sure what I was about to walk into. While I was thinking Alex had gotten out of the car and was standing outside my car door impatiently tapping her foot. In that moment she looked like she was almost 40, not 4. I must have been taking too long for her taste. When I finally did get out of the car Alex grabbed hold of my hand and dragged me towards the diner entrance. She was much more excited than I was.

The inside of the diner turned out to be the polar opposite of the outside. If I hadn’t just walked in, I would have said they were two totally different places. The inside was decked out in stainless steel counters and tables. The chairs and stools were covered in neon orange cloth, while the tables were cover with royal blue place mats. All over the floor and ceiling, someone had painted a very unique design in bright green paint. At first, all of the color was almost too much to handle. It took a minute or two for my eyes to adjust, so that I could see properly.

At first glance I couldn’t see Jeff and Lilly anywhere. I was praying that he hadn’t stood me and Alex up. It would have been different if it was just me, but no one is allowed to screw with my daughter. Alex, who had been so excited outside, now, looked as if she was thinking the same thing that I was. She walked over to me and grabbed onto my pant leg. It was something that she hadn’t done in a long time. It was her sign telling me that she was sad, but that she wasn’t going to cry. I was about to pick Alex up and leave when a waitress walked over to us.

“Are you Erin and Alex?” The waitress asked, with a sweet smile.

“Yes,” Alex said.

“Then do you want to follow me little lady?” She asked Alex. “Jeff and Lilly are waiting for you two back here,” she said as she looked at me. We followed her past all of the booths and bar stools to a door that was painted neon yellow and said “For Private Use Only”. The waitress opened the door for us and said, “I hope that you enjoy your meal,”

Inside the room, it wasn’t nearly as bright, but there were two couches and a big screen TV. Sitting on the couch closest to the door, was Jeff, reading a menu. When he saw that it was us, he dropped the menu and jumped up to greet us.

“Wow!” He said smiling, “Two beautiful ladies at once.” I blushed, but Alex was too interested in whatever Lilly was doing on the TV to notice that Jeff had said anything. “I hope that you didn’t have the impression that I had stood you and Alex up,” He said, a look of concern on his face.

“Well for a minute I wondered,” I said, “But I was hoping that you were too good a guy for that, and it seems like I was right.”

“You were indeed,” he said, “I sent Jacey out after you when I remember that I hadn’t told you that we would be back here.”

“Where exactly is here?” I asked, taking in my surroundings.

“Here,” he said as he fell back onto the couch, “is the Moondance Diner V.I.P. lounge.”

“Do you really come here that often?” I asked, a little surprised.

“No…” he said letting a sly smile spread across his face.

“My daddy owns it!” Lilly finished, finally looking away from the TV.

“So you were biased when you talked about the food here!” I said accusingly.

“Maybe just a little…” he said, patting the couch next to him. I sat down, and Jeff moved closer to me, but not so much as to suggest something.

“So what’s for lunch?” I asked.

“I was thinking that I would treat you three beautiful girls to the best grilled chicken sandwiches in Vancouver.”

“Sounds delicious,” I said, hoping that the grilled chicken was cause of the amazing aroma that was filling the room.

Jacey came in about ten minutes after she brought us to the room to take our order. We ordered four grilled chicken sandwiches and three orders of waffle fries with chocolate milkshakes.

While we waited for our food, Alex and Lilly were off in the corner playing some soccer game on the TV while Jeff and I sat and talked on the couch. I hadn’t intended to spill my whole life story to him, but it ended up happening that way. I told him all about what had happened with me and Jennifer, and how I had only been with men before Jennifer and I hadn’t been with a woman since. He asked me if I would ever consider going back to men. I told him that it would honestly depend on the man because I really didn’t know what I was doing since Jennifer left.

Instead of trying to jump into my pants like all the other men who found out that I was a lesbian, or at least bisexual, Jeff actually listened to me. I got to listen to him too. He told me that his wife had died of breast cancer about a year ago, and that he hadn’t really dated anyone since. I asked how Lilly was responding, and he said that she didn’t really remember her mother so it wasn’t as hard as it could be.

Right as we were about to get into how Alex was adjusting to going from having two moms to only one, Jacey appeared with our food.

Other than talking about my job as an executive producer at my company PIESZECKI Productions, we didn’t really say much else. After the serious conversation that we had before our food came, the small talk was a nice change. The room didn’t stay quiet for long though, because as soon as Alex and Lilly had finished eating, they were back over at the TV playing their game.

Jeff and I continued to make small talk, and crack stupid jokes for another forty five minutes or so before Alex and I had to leave. I had things that I needed to get done before work tomorrow and Alex had started to get tired. Jeff promised that he would call and make a play date for Alex and Lilly in the near future.

Alex and I both thanked him and headed back out to our car, not entirely sure of what just happened in there. As soon as we stepped out of the room it felt like we had entered an entirely different world. It was much louder and it felt like there was no way that the back room and this part of the Diner were part of the same place.