I Just Want My Brother Back
1/1
I didn't know better when I was a little kid and my dad would come home smelling like beer (at the time I didn't know it was beer, I just knew it smelt stagnant and strong). I thought it was a hard days work he was doing, I didn't realise work meant unemployment office or the old rusty bar in town. I didn't think it was strange for my mother to take a old style up to bed at night, I didn't think it was strange for both parents to pass out - I thought living among drink and thick cigerate smoke and relying on my 13 year old brother for dinner was the norm.
Merle was always looking out for me, even back then. My mother did seem to give a shit about us but if it came to us or booze I know which one she would have chosen in a heartbeat. There was a time that the beatings my dad gave her where nightly, he'd always give her a push or slap here or there in front of us but he would wait until night after he stumbled home to give the real hard hits.
The first distinctive time it happened I woke up. My stomach sank and heat rose to my cheeks. I spent what seemed like forever daring myself to leave the safety of my bed to get to Merles room.
I was scared.
Not sure what I was scared of, maybe that he would go to far with my mom or that he would get bored and start on me. Luckily he didn't see me run to Merles room or see when he walked me back to my own;
"Go to sleep, it'll stop soon" Merle said lifting my blanket for me to climb in
"What if he gets me?" I trembled, at this point Will my father had never give me a serious beating, its like he saved all that shit for Merle and my mother back then
"I won't let him hurt you" Merle spoke softly and I winced as I heard another loud bang echo through the house
"Hey..." he said again slightly louder, pushing me to lay back properly again "I won't let him... I won't let anybody hurt you Daryl"
His frame towered over my bed then sat on the end of it,
"go to sleep baby brother" he drawled and despite the shouts and thuds I managed to sleep. By the third night of me walking into Merles room he knew to just come into mine and sit on the end of my bed until I fell asleep when a fight broke out downstairs; sometimes it would be a serious one with thuds, others just screams and insults but always loud and unsettling.
It wasn't long until the ignorance I had that this was normal shattered. It started with the fire.
My mom must of fell asleep or most likely passed out, dropping a cigerate along the way causing the fire. I don't remember much of around then, it's just a blur, especially the funeral of my mother - black clothes and tears and family I didn't know I had. Then soon after having to climb over the empty bottles my father would throw around carelessly or cans he would crush after he drank all day, he left me and Merle for a few days soon after which after a week or so became a regular thing. Merle was the only distinctive memory I have of that night; I was asleep in my room when he came barging in and lifted me up I woke with a harsh gasp as my older brother carried me outside;
"There's a fire, we have to get out!" he said urgently and it was the first time I had ever heard weakness in his voice, he sounded scared and as a little kid who would constantly follow him about and thought he was the coolest kid ever I mirrored his emotion and panicked
"but what about my GI Joe?" that damn doll was my favorite thing, it was the one present I actually got for christmas - my mom had given me it, going behind Wills back to save the money to buy it for me.
"Lets keep this between us kiddo" She gave me it with a hug and a smile. It it was my only toy I had, besides the make shift tree climbing and fishing rods me and Merle would make.
"LEAVE IT YOU STUPID SHIT" he shouted and pushed me slightly to keep me from running back inside the burning house, my bare feet where so cold and getting wet against the grass made them feel icey and sore. It was dark and the orange flames where lighting up the woods that we would venture round in the day but at night became scary and a source of fears from my childhood imagination.
I guess I must of been radiating fear the way Merle was radiating panic because he turned to me speaking softer and said "I'll get you another GI joe, I promise"
Merle kept his promise, he left me a new GI Joe on my bed before he went to Juvy.
***
"I don't want to" I dragged my feet and stared at the ground but still moved behind Merle
"You have your own crossbow now it'll be fun!" He said whilst still not looking behind, the cross bow felt so heavy and the straps dug into my shoulders as it hit my back in time with my hurried steps
"But you know how to hunt!" I tried to protest which now seems stupid because learning to hunt was one of the main reasons I survived being stuck in that hell hole with my father Will
"And you will too!" He chirped sarcastically but getting annoyed
"I miss mom" we where left alone in our tired little home, Merle wanted to teach me to hunt but at the time I still had a empty hole in me and with Merles unpredictable nature of getting thrown behind juvy bars and Will being angrier than ever and not having a punching bag I missed my mom and although she had her problems she was kind and wanted us around
"Well she aint fucking here" he snapped harshly, he noticed his tone faster than he usually does, sighing and stopping in his tracks, he then turned to me and said calmer but still firm
"You need to know how to look after yourself little brother"
I see now what he meant but at the time I was only a kid and was gradually being dragged into a grown up situation and I was lost.
Maybe I still am lost.
"I'll always have your back but you..."
"Have to look after myself and I will" I remember trying to sound strong and confident but it came out shaky and with a odd squeak
"That's right Darylina" he scuffed my hair smirking and chuckling at my attempt at a snarl - I hated that nickname - before walking me away with his arm around my shoulders and showing me the basics.
****
He was gone again soon after. Another bout in juvy, this time I wasn't sure what for, skipping school, fighting or drugs. I hoped it wasn't the last one and I stupidly believed him when he said he would stop with that shit, I should of known better being raised by addicts however Will never wanted to give up the booze. But Merle wasn't like Will. Although they shared the curly hair, quick temper and they could both say awful things, Merle had a soul.
Some people are angry because they're hateful, or because they hurt or even because they're scared. Merle's rage is because he's backed against a wall.
We where both born backed against a wall, and all we've known is to fight to get out, breaking the law along the way is the lesser evil when you consider the monster who's genes make up us both.
I was left alone with Will. He wasn't there much but when he was it was worse than ever. It worked sometimes because we would rotate rooms or go out when the other was there, purposely avoiding each other. I went to visit Merle though, we talked on the phone and he said no, he didn't want me there to stay home and concentrate on schoolwork but I told him I had saved the money and I could go. It wasn't nice seeing him there, even though he greeted me with a "Hey baby brother" and a hug we had to sit on separate sides of the table, Merle rambled about some of the shit that was happening in there making his voice louder when the one guard he said hated him the most walked past "Yeah don't want to end up here baby brother, bunch of PIGS" leaning and looking at the guard as he emphasized the last word
"Ssssshh keep your voice down"
"What are they going to Daryl, lock me up?" he chuckled and I groaned louder than I meant to
"Is it okay at home?" he was quieter this time and he looked more serious
"As okay as it ever is" his face changed and I could see him ready to rant or get angry about home, he had no control over what was happening there and I knew it frustrated him and made him hate Will even more if that was possible.
"He's gone most the time and I've been catching myself food" It wasn't a lie just a slight exaggeration, Will had kicked my ribs and stomach so hard I couldn't sit properly for a few days and I had improved on hunting but still wasn't as good as Merle. But I needed to look after myself, and I didn't want Merle to know that his efforts to keep Will from hitting me didn't work anymore.
"Thats great little brother" his smile was genuine this time, he knew Will would give me the odd slap or punch but he didn't know he beat me just as bad as he did to him. One night when Merle was home Will came storming in "Merle get here you piece of shit, I heard what you've been doing" Merle looked in the direction of the shout with a expression that was hard to read but he said to me loud enough for only me to hear "Go to your room and stay there"
I did what I was told and had no choice but to listen as they shouted. Will calling him all kinds of things, Merle shouting back that he wishes he died not mom. Then the screams and thuds started. I felt helpless and my body felt too heavy to move.
Merle still came to my room afterwards, sitting on the end of my bed.
"Mer-" he cut me off
"Sleep" is all he said and he waited again for me to fall asleep before leaving.
I couldn't let him know the truth that Wills wrath had turned to me. Him thinking I was doing great and was safe made him happy and it was nice seeing a smile on his face that was caused by me and not something he had snorted.
****
I came home after the visit and immediately spotted Will in the corner of the room in his old beat up chair,
"You been to see that brother of yours?" he looked at me up and down with a snarl, his head swaying and jaw moving in a way that made it obvious that he had taken more than just cheap whisky,
I just grunted and turned to go to my own room
"He's a waste of space that boy..." I paused for some reason, thinking of something to silence Will. Nothing could silence him though, even now he's dead I still hear some of his sick remarks.
"just like you" he chuckled then and he had said things like that all through my poor excuse of a childhood but this time it got to me,
"Takes one to know one" I said and I felt adrenaline rush, I knew he wouldn't take that laying down but it felt good to say something back for once.
"FUCK YOU SAY TO ME BOY?" he threw a bottle in my way it hit me hard on the shoulder, despite my attempts to move. I stormed in and out of my room, grabbing the hunting stuff and heading to the door as fast as I could. He made a attempt to stand but just wobbled
"Fucking die out there too" he yelled as I slammed the door
I spent the night out there, it was cold and wet but I couldn't be around Will, not with the mood we where both in. I was still only a kid and I may have had a fight in me but it wasn't enough to fight off him.
The noises and shadows didn't bother me anymore, I had already hardened to the world and whenever I felt a slight twinge of fear or them dark childish beliefs approaching and creeping into my thoughts I would remember what Merle said when I was a lot smaller and younger; "There ain't nothing out here that's stronger than you and that crossbow little brother"
****
One of the worst ever beatings came when Merle was still gone. Will was shouting about what Merle had done - my guess is Merle had obviously pissed off the locals to the point where even some of the drunks had turned on Will. They might of wanted money or might of refused to give Will a drink - either way that was enough to make him furious. He took it out on me. I laid there as his belt cam smashing down on my back again and again. The leather and the buckle hurting equally both stinging and aching. The pain was unreal and there was nothing I could do to block it out. He stopped when he was finally tired, giving me a last kick in the stomach before leaving
"You had that coming" he said breathlessly
I couldn't respond even if I wanted to, I waited for him to leave and attempted to stand, only getting to my knees before they gave in and I fell forward. I had to crawl to my room.
When I called Merle the next day he asked if everything was still okay, "Yeah! I can even catch deer now too"
My tone was fake, I was putting on a brave mask. But Merle had done the same for me to keep me sane.
****
I got asked to another kids house at school. My guess was they felt bad for me; I was the poor kid with the dead mother, alcoholic father and criminal brother. I can only assume the kids mother took sympathy on me and wanted to do a good dead by trying to get her son to hang out with me. I felt dumb going and I knew if Merle found out he would tease me endlessly. But it wasn't long after the belt beating and I figured it was a opportunity to spend the night away from Will so I went.
It was a surprise, there was no bottles or cans, no crude decorations or bad smells and both his father and mother where there and actually wanted to speak to him and even me. It was nice, but it scared me because adults where never that nice, was they?
During dinner we sat around the table and I couldn't help but shovel everything down as fast as possible, food was never this good, food was just a necessity. I dropped a glass of juice during the dinner though and I winced as reality came back, I sat still waiting for the screaming and maybe a backhanded slap from the father but he just grabbed a towel whilst his wife smiled and said "don't worry Daryl I can be a butter fingers too!"
he cleaned it up for me but despite their smiles and calmness I didn't sleep all night waiting for him to come in and give me a beating.
Then I officially knew better; I knew not all houses where like mine. Normal parents didn't have a bottle in their hands, normal parents didn't leave their children without warning and normal fathers didn't beat their kids just for the hell of it.
Merle was all I had but I decided before I was even 12 that this was the hand I had been dealt and I had to look after myself.
Me and Merle had both been born backed against a wall and had to fight to get out, it seems straight forward but the problem is we don't need to fight everybody. Merle mistakes anybody getting close as backing him further and doesn't see good intentions which is why now as adults when I say
"I just want my brother back"
I understand when his response is a mumbled"Get the hell out of here man"
He has lived backed into a corner and even when I try to pull him forward he lashes out.
I know he is scared but I have no idea how to help him.
Merle was always looking out for me, even back then. My mother did seem to give a shit about us but if it came to us or booze I know which one she would have chosen in a heartbeat. There was a time that the beatings my dad gave her where nightly, he'd always give her a push or slap here or there in front of us but he would wait until night after he stumbled home to give the real hard hits.
The first distinctive time it happened I woke up. My stomach sank and heat rose to my cheeks. I spent what seemed like forever daring myself to leave the safety of my bed to get to Merles room.
I was scared.
Not sure what I was scared of, maybe that he would go to far with my mom or that he would get bored and start on me. Luckily he didn't see me run to Merles room or see when he walked me back to my own;
"Go to sleep, it'll stop soon" Merle said lifting my blanket for me to climb in
"What if he gets me?" I trembled, at this point Will my father had never give me a serious beating, its like he saved all that shit for Merle and my mother back then
"I won't let him hurt you" Merle spoke softly and I winced as I heard another loud bang echo through the house
"Hey..." he said again slightly louder, pushing me to lay back properly again "I won't let him... I won't let anybody hurt you Daryl"
His frame towered over my bed then sat on the end of it,
"go to sleep baby brother" he drawled and despite the shouts and thuds I managed to sleep. By the third night of me walking into Merles room he knew to just come into mine and sit on the end of my bed until I fell asleep when a fight broke out downstairs; sometimes it would be a serious one with thuds, others just screams and insults but always loud and unsettling.
It wasn't long until the ignorance I had that this was normal shattered. It started with the fire.
My mom must of fell asleep or most likely passed out, dropping a cigerate along the way causing the fire. I don't remember much of around then, it's just a blur, especially the funeral of my mother - black clothes and tears and family I didn't know I had. Then soon after having to climb over the empty bottles my father would throw around carelessly or cans he would crush after he drank all day, he left me and Merle for a few days soon after which after a week or so became a regular thing. Merle was the only distinctive memory I have of that night; I was asleep in my room when he came barging in and lifted me up I woke with a harsh gasp as my older brother carried me outside;
"There's a fire, we have to get out!" he said urgently and it was the first time I had ever heard weakness in his voice, he sounded scared and as a little kid who would constantly follow him about and thought he was the coolest kid ever I mirrored his emotion and panicked
"but what about my GI Joe?" that damn doll was my favorite thing, it was the one present I actually got for christmas - my mom had given me it, going behind Wills back to save the money to buy it for me.
"Lets keep this between us kiddo" She gave me it with a hug and a smile. It it was my only toy I had, besides the make shift tree climbing and fishing rods me and Merle would make.
"LEAVE IT YOU STUPID SHIT" he shouted and pushed me slightly to keep me from running back inside the burning house, my bare feet where so cold and getting wet against the grass made them feel icey and sore. It was dark and the orange flames where lighting up the woods that we would venture round in the day but at night became scary and a source of fears from my childhood imagination.
I guess I must of been radiating fear the way Merle was radiating panic because he turned to me speaking softer and said "I'll get you another GI joe, I promise"
Merle kept his promise, he left me a new GI Joe on my bed before he went to Juvy.
***
"I don't want to" I dragged my feet and stared at the ground but still moved behind Merle
"You have your own crossbow now it'll be fun!" He said whilst still not looking behind, the cross bow felt so heavy and the straps dug into my shoulders as it hit my back in time with my hurried steps
"But you know how to hunt!" I tried to protest which now seems stupid because learning to hunt was one of the main reasons I survived being stuck in that hell hole with my father Will
"And you will too!" He chirped sarcastically but getting annoyed
"I miss mom" we where left alone in our tired little home, Merle wanted to teach me to hunt but at the time I still had a empty hole in me and with Merles unpredictable nature of getting thrown behind juvy bars and Will being angrier than ever and not having a punching bag I missed my mom and although she had her problems she was kind and wanted us around
"Well she aint fucking here" he snapped harshly, he noticed his tone faster than he usually does, sighing and stopping in his tracks, he then turned to me and said calmer but still firm
"You need to know how to look after yourself little brother"
I see now what he meant but at the time I was only a kid and was gradually being dragged into a grown up situation and I was lost.
Maybe I still am lost.
"I'll always have your back but you..."
"Have to look after myself and I will" I remember trying to sound strong and confident but it came out shaky and with a odd squeak
"That's right Darylina" he scuffed my hair smirking and chuckling at my attempt at a snarl - I hated that nickname - before walking me away with his arm around my shoulders and showing me the basics.
****
He was gone again soon after. Another bout in juvy, this time I wasn't sure what for, skipping school, fighting or drugs. I hoped it wasn't the last one and I stupidly believed him when he said he would stop with that shit, I should of known better being raised by addicts however Will never wanted to give up the booze. But Merle wasn't like Will. Although they shared the curly hair, quick temper and they could both say awful things, Merle had a soul.
Some people are angry because they're hateful, or because they hurt or even because they're scared. Merle's rage is because he's backed against a wall.
We where both born backed against a wall, and all we've known is to fight to get out, breaking the law along the way is the lesser evil when you consider the monster who's genes make up us both.
I was left alone with Will. He wasn't there much but when he was it was worse than ever. It worked sometimes because we would rotate rooms or go out when the other was there, purposely avoiding each other. I went to visit Merle though, we talked on the phone and he said no, he didn't want me there to stay home and concentrate on schoolwork but I told him I had saved the money and I could go. It wasn't nice seeing him there, even though he greeted me with a "Hey baby brother" and a hug we had to sit on separate sides of the table, Merle rambled about some of the shit that was happening in there making his voice louder when the one guard he said hated him the most walked past "Yeah don't want to end up here baby brother, bunch of PIGS" leaning and looking at the guard as he emphasized the last word
"Ssssshh keep your voice down"
"What are they going to Daryl, lock me up?" he chuckled and I groaned louder than I meant to
"Is it okay at home?" he was quieter this time and he looked more serious
"As okay as it ever is" his face changed and I could see him ready to rant or get angry about home, he had no control over what was happening there and I knew it frustrated him and made him hate Will even more if that was possible.
"He's gone most the time and I've been catching myself food" It wasn't a lie just a slight exaggeration, Will had kicked my ribs and stomach so hard I couldn't sit properly for a few days and I had improved on hunting but still wasn't as good as Merle. But I needed to look after myself, and I didn't want Merle to know that his efforts to keep Will from hitting me didn't work anymore.
"Thats great little brother" his smile was genuine this time, he knew Will would give me the odd slap or punch but he didn't know he beat me just as bad as he did to him. One night when Merle was home Will came storming in "Merle get here you piece of shit, I heard what you've been doing" Merle looked in the direction of the shout with a expression that was hard to read but he said to me loud enough for only me to hear "Go to your room and stay there"
I did what I was told and had no choice but to listen as they shouted. Will calling him all kinds of things, Merle shouting back that he wishes he died not mom. Then the screams and thuds started. I felt helpless and my body felt too heavy to move.
Merle still came to my room afterwards, sitting on the end of my bed.
"Mer-" he cut me off
"Sleep" is all he said and he waited again for me to fall asleep before leaving.
I couldn't let him know the truth that Wills wrath had turned to me. Him thinking I was doing great and was safe made him happy and it was nice seeing a smile on his face that was caused by me and not something he had snorted.
****
I came home after the visit and immediately spotted Will in the corner of the room in his old beat up chair,
"You been to see that brother of yours?" he looked at me up and down with a snarl, his head swaying and jaw moving in a way that made it obvious that he had taken more than just cheap whisky,
I just grunted and turned to go to my own room
"He's a waste of space that boy..." I paused for some reason, thinking of something to silence Will. Nothing could silence him though, even now he's dead I still hear some of his sick remarks.
"just like you" he chuckled then and he had said things like that all through my poor excuse of a childhood but this time it got to me,
"Takes one to know one" I said and I felt adrenaline rush, I knew he wouldn't take that laying down but it felt good to say something back for once.
"FUCK YOU SAY TO ME BOY?" he threw a bottle in my way it hit me hard on the shoulder, despite my attempts to move. I stormed in and out of my room, grabbing the hunting stuff and heading to the door as fast as I could. He made a attempt to stand but just wobbled
"Fucking die out there too" he yelled as I slammed the door
I spent the night out there, it was cold and wet but I couldn't be around Will, not with the mood we where both in. I was still only a kid and I may have had a fight in me but it wasn't enough to fight off him.
The noises and shadows didn't bother me anymore, I had already hardened to the world and whenever I felt a slight twinge of fear or them dark childish beliefs approaching and creeping into my thoughts I would remember what Merle said when I was a lot smaller and younger; "There ain't nothing out here that's stronger than you and that crossbow little brother"
****
One of the worst ever beatings came when Merle was still gone. Will was shouting about what Merle had done - my guess is Merle had obviously pissed off the locals to the point where even some of the drunks had turned on Will. They might of wanted money or might of refused to give Will a drink - either way that was enough to make him furious. He took it out on me. I laid there as his belt cam smashing down on my back again and again. The leather and the buckle hurting equally both stinging and aching. The pain was unreal and there was nothing I could do to block it out. He stopped when he was finally tired, giving me a last kick in the stomach before leaving
"You had that coming" he said breathlessly
I couldn't respond even if I wanted to, I waited for him to leave and attempted to stand, only getting to my knees before they gave in and I fell forward. I had to crawl to my room.
When I called Merle the next day he asked if everything was still okay, "Yeah! I can even catch deer now too"
My tone was fake, I was putting on a brave mask. But Merle had done the same for me to keep me sane.
****
I got asked to another kids house at school. My guess was they felt bad for me; I was the poor kid with the dead mother, alcoholic father and criminal brother. I can only assume the kids mother took sympathy on me and wanted to do a good dead by trying to get her son to hang out with me. I felt dumb going and I knew if Merle found out he would tease me endlessly. But it wasn't long after the belt beating and I figured it was a opportunity to spend the night away from Will so I went.
It was a surprise, there was no bottles or cans, no crude decorations or bad smells and both his father and mother where there and actually wanted to speak to him and even me. It was nice, but it scared me because adults where never that nice, was they?
During dinner we sat around the table and I couldn't help but shovel everything down as fast as possible, food was never this good, food was just a necessity. I dropped a glass of juice during the dinner though and I winced as reality came back, I sat still waiting for the screaming and maybe a backhanded slap from the father but he just grabbed a towel whilst his wife smiled and said "don't worry Daryl I can be a butter fingers too!"
he cleaned it up for me but despite their smiles and calmness I didn't sleep all night waiting for him to come in and give me a beating.
Then I officially knew better; I knew not all houses where like mine. Normal parents didn't have a bottle in their hands, normal parents didn't leave their children without warning and normal fathers didn't beat their kids just for the hell of it.
Merle was all I had but I decided before I was even 12 that this was the hand I had been dealt and I had to look after myself.
Me and Merle had both been born backed against a wall and had to fight to get out, it seems straight forward but the problem is we don't need to fight everybody. Merle mistakes anybody getting close as backing him further and doesn't see good intentions which is why now as adults when I say
"I just want my brother back"
I understand when his response is a mumbled"Get the hell out of here man"
He has lived backed into a corner and even when I try to pull him forward he lashes out.
I know he is scared but I have no idea how to help him.