I Saw Scars Upon a Brokenhearted Lover

The TV blared out an episode of Friends, in my half asleep corpse like state I reached out for the remote to turn it down. Someone's banging had woken me up and I was heavily annoyed at that. It was late Friday night / early hours of Saturday morning and one of my inconsiderate neighbours was having a social life. I was jealous seeing as how I was 21 with no plans whatsoever that weekend. All of my friends were either working, out of town or had plans with their other halves.

It took a few more moments of sitting there disorientated to realise that the banging was coming from outside my flat door. I briefly made a mental note to not blame my neighbours so quickly. I stood and rubbed my eyes before making my way to the door, wondering who would be knocking so unnecessarily loud. Reaching up on my tip toes, I looked through the spy hole. All it took was one glimpse of orange to wake me up and give me the type of nerves that were usually followed by a nervous dump or a panic attack.

I hadn't seen Ed in about three months time since he'd broken up with me and then left to tour America. My hands were shaking as I opened the door.
It had started raining just before I'd fallen asleep, probably around eight o'clock and apparently it had only gotten worse because Ed was currently dripping water onto my wooden floor causing a small puddle to splash onto my bare feet.

"Can I come in?" He slurred as he stumbled over his own two feet.

I could smell the alcohol on him and it pissed me off that he'd turned to alcohol to solve whatever was bothering him. I hated when Ed drank his problems away.

"It's getting abit cold out here you know, Nina?"
"Right." I dead panned, "Come in. I'll find you something to change in to."

Ed walked in behind me and shut the door. His presence made hyperaware of the fact that my flat was a shit hole. There were dishes piled up in the sink, I'd fallen asleep surrounded by crisp packets and chocolate because before I'd passed out, I'd been getting high. Ed must have guessed this because he eyed the bag of half eaten Doritos curiously.

"Have you been smoking?" Ed asked me, "I thought you'd stopped with me?"
"Yeah well, I needed something to numb the pain, didn't I?"

Ed and I used to spend all our time together, even before we were romantically involved you could always find me at Ed's side whenever he was home from tour. We'd stay cooped up in each others flat for days on end just enjoying each others company. We were always so content. Our days would be spent playing pranks on eachother, watching endless dvd's, getting high, drinking beer and forgetting about the world. Every Sunday morning I'd wake Ed up blasting music from my iTunes and make breakfast for him. We had a little routine and it was perfect, or atleast I thought it was.
Him turning up at my flat had ruined everything I'd worked on getting over.

Leaving Ed stood in the living room I disappeared to find him something to wear. He'd never come for his things and I'd never known where to send them to. He was barely ever home these days.

In the corner of my bedroom there stood a black bin bag filled with all of Ed's things. I rooted through until I found a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. They still smelt faintly of him and it made my heart pang. The hoodie I was wearing was once his too and now he'd caught me wearing it post breakup I felt awkward.

When I returned to the living room Ed was sat on the end of the couch, running his hands through his hair.

"Here," I said handing him the clothes, "these are yours. You remember where the bathroom
"Yeah, thankyou." Ed said taking them from me.
"I'll get you a drink. I'm guessing you'll want some alcohol so tequila will have to do." I shrugged.
"Thanks, Nina."

As Ed went to change I walked over to the side of the room that held the kitchen. I took the bottle from the fridge and closed the door behind me.
Shortly afterward Ed returned and sat down where he'd sat before.

"Water bottle filled with tequila? he chuckled, "Classy as ever I see, Nina Clements."
"I went to a rave with Charmaine and Leon." I explained.
"Ahh, that makes sense."

He took a swig, grimaced at the taste and then offered me the bottle but I declined.

"When did you get back?" I asked after some silence.
"This afternoon at about six. I was going to come then but I was nervous so I had a few drinks. I was going to call you but I locked myself out of my phone and then it died and I realise my efforts were pointless because you changed your number anyway." he said sounding deflated.
"Sounds like it hasn't been your day." I replied.

I'd missed Ed badly to the point where I thought I couldn't live without him anymore. I was okay when I didn't have to be alone but when I was cracks began to show through my surface. I'd changed my number and deleted him off all social networks, avoiding the temptation made it slightly easier but I that didn't mean I didn't check.

"I tried to be okay without you Nina. I thought your would keep my mind off you but if anything I just missed you more. It's 2am and I'm making a prick of myself because I'm pissed and I don't even care." he laughed and took another drink from the bottle. "I miss you Nina and I don't know what to do anymore."

I couldn't process why he would do this now? When he broke up with me he made sure it was final. He'd been pretty clear about that.

"Why are you doing this to me, Ed? You can't just fuck with my feelings just because you're unsure of your own!" I seethed, "You wouldn't even be here if you were sober, you fucking piss head!"
"I'm here because I couldn't do this sober. Everything feels empty without you, Nin."
"I need a joint." I sighed running my hands through my sleep ruined naturally curly hair.

In all honesty I looked like shit right now. I always thought the next time I saw Ed that I'd look at least a solid 9. The reality of it was that Ed's hoodie that I was wearing was covered in BBQ sauce stains. I'd fallen asleep with my makeup on so I had panda eyes. My bare legs were covered in cuts and bruises where I'd fallen outside a club last week. Paparazzi had loved that. Ed Sheeran's ex girlfriend crawling to a cab in the middle of London.

I pulled my 'potbox' from under the couch and got to work on building my joint. I rolled it quickly and lit it, taking a long pull.

"Y'know, I thought getting drunk would help but I feel worse. I thought breaking up with you was the right thing to do." Ed sighed.
"You think too much Ed. We were good, we were in a perfectly good place and heading for an even better one." I took a few more pulls of my joint enjoying the mellow feeling taking over my body. "We were together for two years, I'd gotten used to your lifestyle, Ed. From the day Leon introduced us you've always been 'Just Ed' to me. Don't you think I knew what I was letting myself in for when I got involved with you? It came as part of the package and I was always okay with it because I loved you." I explained.
"But you'll never love me like you used to." he muttered.

I took Ed's hand in my own and ran my fingers over the ring I'd gotten him. It was a 20th birthday present from me and we'd only been friends a few months but I always knew I'd end up with him.
I'd known Leon for atleast four years when he got with my best friend Charmaine. He'd always told me he was mates with Ed but I'd never believed him until one day he was at one of his party's. Ever since we met though, I'd been hooked on Ed. He made me laugh, he had so many stories to tell but always made me feel like anything I said was the most interesting thing in the world.

I smoked the rest of my joint then put it out in an empty coke can, listening to it fizzle out.

"I know I used to complain that you were away too much but it was because I missed you. I never doubted that you'd always come back to me every time."
"I panicked, Nina. It felt like I couldn't balance a relationship, my family, my friends and touring. My job comes first except for my family and friends and you kind of fell into a category inbetween that and I didn't know how it would work out. I didn't want to break up with you." Ed sighed.
"But you did." I said dryly. "I begged you to stay, Ed. I begged you not to hurt me like that but you just left and didn't even look back, not once!"
"I felt like I didn't have a choice, Nina. I didn't want to keep leaving you all the time. If I had to choose, I know now that I'd always choose you."
"But I didn't want you to choose Ed, don't you get that? I'd have waited forever!" I yelled through my tears.
"I'm sorry, Nina. I never wanted to hurt you or make you hurt yourself. Don't think I didn't know Nin. They wouldn't let me speak to you. "

Ed took my hands in his and ran his thumbs over the scar on each wrist. It was stupid and in the heat of the moment and I'd regretted it instantly. I'd just cracked one day a few weeks after our break up, listening to Ed on repeat. Charmaine insisted on a rehab stint then. It was only short but the time away really helped me with starting the closure process.
I pulled my arms out of Ed's hands and tucked them into the sleeves awkwardly.

"Look I can't do this with you whilst you're drunk. Come on, let's just go to bed. You need to sleep this off. We can talk in the morning."

I sent Ed to bed then got him a bottle of water and a paracetamol for his head in the morning. When I got to my bedroom Ed was already asleep, curled up and breathing softly. I put the bottle and tablets down on the bedside table next to him.
Quietly I crawled into bed next to him and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

"I never stopped loving you Ed. I'll always be yours." I whispered.

He mustn't have been asleep because his hand found mine under the covers and he squeezed it.

"I'm sorry Nina, I love you."