Friend, Please

Alex knows there is something wrong with Jack. He knows because of the following reasons;

His smile doesn't light up his eyes anymore.

He showers for too long and Alex isn't allowed in with him anymore.

He flinches whenever Alex touches him. That hurts Alex.

Alex could’ve sworn the younger was not far from passing out the other day in an interview.

Jack hadn’t had a proper meal while he was with Alex for 3 months.

Here's the thing, Alex isn't stupid. He's a very bright man. He also knows every inch of Jack like the back of his hand, every rise and every fall of his chest and every smile and laugh and twinkle of his eyes.

And Alex knows Jack has been getting thinner. His cheeks are hollowing and his skin is strained. His wrists look like they could break soon and Alex is still grieving the loss of his boyfriends adorable little tummy.

It’s destroying them both, Alex knows. This whole secret thing. He’s hurting from it, too. Just less visibly.
But when Jack's walking around in Baltimore and his hands are absent from Alex's, they long for heat and light pressure of a smaller hand holding them, swaying back and forth along their sides and the air running through the spaces in between their fingers, and the hand he so desperately misses is currently across country, holding someone else’s. The delicate, manicured fingers of Lisa Ruocco, and wouldn’t Jack love to be her. Then he would be able to love Alex publically.

So no, Alex isn't hurting like Jack is, because Alex doesn’t have to always act strong and tough all the time. Alex allows himself to be weak at times. Alex allows himself to cry when it’s all too much. Lisa lets him cry and tell her how much he misses Jack. Alex lets his guard down.

Jack doesn’t.

Alex remembers how Jack’s food habits had started changed during A Love Like Tour. He would be snappier and irritable, even towards Alex at rare points, and he’d binge eat. Sugary or fried stuff. He’d started to put on weight, and it’s wasn’t that noticeable, really. Alex was pretty sure he was the only one who actually questioned his eating. No one else really noticed at all. They were too focused on hiding Jack and Alex's relationship.

I took a turn for the worst, he guesses. Alex remembers now how Jack would come out of the bathroom after being locked in there way too long, and his eyes would be tinted red and his lips slightly damp and his voice slightly raspier.

Alex wouldn’t say anything. He's just pull him to the dressing room and hold him in silence.

Slowly, he stopped everything, one thing at a time. It was the binge eating, first of all, and Alex was silently relieved because he thought that was good. He thought things were looking up.

But then Jack started waking up earlier than him, he would say he'd eaten breakfast already when Alex asked or tried to make something for him.

He wouldn’t question it, though.

Next came the smaller portions of food each meal, and Jack ignored Alex's confused, furrowed eyebrows. The young man would only grin, throwing them into a discussion about what they were going to do when they get a break, or something Rian had told him the other day, and Alex wouldn’t do anything because his baby was smiling and laughing again, and he’d missed that a lot.

It became a constant thing. Each day Alex would wake up alone. And Jack would shower without him. And Jack wouldn't talk to him about himself or their relationship. He just told Alex stupid things that their band mates had said. But he still said 'I love you' each and every day. Although Alex was starting to doubt it.

Football became a popular activity. Once, Alex had been rehearsing all day while Jack was in a meeting about new guitars, he came home before the younger boy and made his favourite meal. But when Jack came home to the smell of home cooked chicken, he ran to the bathroom before Alex knew he was home. He spent that meal time moving the food around on his plate while talking to Alex about his new guitars, and excused himself early with more than half the portion lying untouched.

Alex confronted him that night when he walked into their room, wearing his favourite pyjamas and clutching Jack's blanket. He was scared. “Is something wrong?” he had said, chewing the inside of his cheek as he looked at his boyfriend on the bed, who was scrolling on his phone.

Jack had given him a small smile. “Not at all, baby. Are you okay? You look shattered." Jack replied, putting his phone down and moving onto his knees, holding his hands out to the elder man.

Alex wanted to scream. Wanted to cry and shout at Jack, telling him that he's not okay and he's so, so worried.

But he pushed those thoughts away and just crawled onto the bed, curling into Jack's body and feeling the youngers bones stab him uncomfortably.

But he didn't mention it.

Next came the physical distance between them.

That was partly because Alex had to stay with Lisa for a while. Their management thought it would be good for Alex to play up a false relationship. They said it would help jack and Alex hide.

Now, Jack would barely let Alex hold his hand around the band and crew, and he wouldn't snuggle up to him when they were all watching a movie on the bus, and they never exchanged any kissed unless they were completely alone. Jack would roll over and lay on his side of the bed every night, he wouldn’t shower with Alex, or have sex with him. Apart from maybe a lazy hand job somewhere here and there, Jack would stay away completely from any form of sexual activity.
This was something Alex couldn’t just push away or shrug off, because normally they’d be going at it every chance they got. It was Jack Barakat. He was all about sex. Bathroom stalls, the tour bus, planes, dressing rooms, wherever. Jack was a god to Alex in the bedroom. And then all of sudden, he wasn't.

Then, all of sudden, Jack would be wanting privacy while getting changed. Alex didn't understand what was happening. Jack never cared who saw him naked.

~

There is three final happenings that occurred that finally finish it for Alex and snaps him out of the oblivion he's fallen into.

The first, Alex enters the kitchen to make himself a drink, and Jack is standing there leaning on the kitchen counter, babbling on about how perfect Alex's hair looks today, and the elder opens the cabinet door to take out two butterfingers, tossing one at Jack, who catches it, not knowing what Alex is throwing at him.

He reads at the back of it, trying to be discreet but Alex watches as the youngers brow furrows as he sees the calorie count. He then whines and claims it's out of date, 'it must have been from the old pack', and throws it away before Alex can check it.

The second, Alex walks into the bathroom, only to find Jack standing on the scales in his underwear one day, and Jack completely freaks out and pushes Alex out of the room and locks the door and all Alex can think about as the door slams shut in his face is the protruding collarbones and visible ribs.

And third; all the members of All Time Low had been invited out for a meal for Jenna McDougall's birthday since the two bands were on tour together. It was a fancy, three course meal. Alex knew that there was no way Jack could skip this dinner without anyone noticing. And Alex knew that Jack knew that too.

Alex watched Jack being his excitable, funny self throughout the whole dinner, but he was eating slowly, using his conversation skills as a distraction as he’d swallow with something resembling pain shining in his eyes.

When desserts were finished, Jack quickly excused himself to go to the bathroom. As soon as he was out of sight, Alex raised from his seat as well. “I need to go, too,” he mumbles and Rian gives him a sympathetic look, confirming that someone else had finally noticed too.

There is one locked stall in there out of six. Right at the end and as soon as Alex is in the room, he can hear Jack. Fuck, he can hear Jack gagging and coughing, followed by the wet splattering that confirms exactly what he was fearing.

His walls come crumbling down.

A feeling of nausea washes over him, and he has to lean against the wall, pressing his forehead against the cold tiles. Jack is doing this. His Jack is doing this. His Jack is hurting this much. Alex wants to kick down the door and pull him into his arms and hug him and stroke his hair, and make sure he knows that it would all be okay.

But... Well, would it, though?

Because Alex is damn sure he has no clue how to handle something like this.

Breathing heavily in and out a couple of times, he straightens himself up and leaves before Jack can get out and see him.

He has a big, fake smile plastered on his face as he returns to the table, but all he can hear in his head is the sound of Jack purging, and when Rian asks if he's okay quietly, his hands shake as he nods.

That night, when Jack is sleeping, Alex rolls over to his boyfriends side. He’s started to sleep with a t-shirt on, which Alex slowly lifts it up at the back. His spine is almost delicate; protuding greatly, and his ribs are visible on his back. Alex knows this is bad. Very, very bad. Alex's eyes trace the visible bones in his back and the poking shoulder blades as he sobs into his hand.

He presses himself closer to Jack. The closest they've been in bed for a whil. He intertwines one of his hands with the youngers, and falls asleep with a worried crease between his eyebrows and the last thing he can think of before drifting to sleep is 'fucking hell, his Jack is doing this.'

~

This is the straw that broke the camels back.

“Hey, my darling boy,” Jack greets as he enters the kitchen. He’s just got back from ‘visiting Zack’, and Alex is making dinner.

His heart is pounding in his chest, because he knows he needs to confront Jack about this whole thing now. He can’t stay in denial anymore, it's breaking him and he feels like utter shit for not doing anything sooner. They can’t keep living like this.

“Hi,” he says and Jack pecks his cheek and it makes Alex's eyes flutter closed, which makes Jack chuckle softly before sitting down at the table. “I made you your favourite,” Alex continues. He keeps his eyes fixed on the chicken in the frying pan, not ready to meet jack’s yet.

“Oh, you didn’t have to,” The younger says quickly. “I ate at Zack's, I told you I would. I'm fine. Save some for tomorrow, though, will you babe? I’m leaving early so I’ll need something to ta—“

“You, know,” Alex says, still without taking his eyes off the stove. He feels a knot begin to tighten in his stomach, knowing that Jack lied to him with so much ease and that he probably has eaten nothing at all today. That hurts him. “I called Zack today. He told me you weren't going round his and as far as he knew, you had no plans to.”

This makes Jack fall quiet, and Alex's chest tightens. “Lex…”

Alex sighs deeply and takes the pan off of the stove, turning to look his boyfriend in the eyes. “I know what you’re doing,” he says simply.

Jack is biting on his nail and looking down at his lap. “What?”

He refuses to look at Alex, even when he sits down opposite of him, resting his elbows on the table and knotting his fingers together and loosening them again. “So you skipped breakfast and probably skipped lunch. Jay, when was the last time you had a proper meal?”

“Yesterday at the restaurant,” Jack says confidently, finally meeting Alex's’s gaze.

“No,” Alex answers. “Last time you had a meal and didn’t throw up afterwards.”

Jack flinches as thought Alex just punched him in the gut, and his eyes are go wide. “Excuse me?” he coughs out, voice shaking and Alex wants to hold him.

He doesn’t, though. This is serious. He can't give in with hugs. Not yet.

He rests his hands in his palms, looking at Jack with soft eyes. “When was your last meal without purging?” he asks, emphasizing the last word and Jack shrinks into the chair.

When he doesn’t answer, Alex continues anyway. “Because hun, I don’t think we’ve sat down here and had a real dinner in about 4 to 5 months,” he sighs.

He still won’t answer. His gaze is flicking between Alex, his lap and the door, as if he could escape this evidently uncomfortable situation.

A part of Alex wants to stop. To shrug it off again, apologize, kiss Jack for a long time and then go to sleep.

But he needs to think about what’s best for Jack now. And himself. Because he can't do this anymore.

So he narrows his eyes thoughtfully. “So if you’re not with one of the boys… What are you doing with your days? Because you're certainly not spending time with me.”

“Exercising,” He mumbles, barely audible, but Alex hears it.

“Exercising?” he echoes and Jack nods. “Why?”

“It’s good to exercise,” Jack says with a shrug. “Zack exercises. Feels good. Kind of need it, honestly.”

“You need to exercise all day?”

“Sure.”

Jack is being nothing but completely honest, and Alex wants to cry. “You don’t,” he mumbles.

Jack laughs. "We all saw what was going on during this tour. We all were pretty bad.”

“What?”

“We ate fast food and complete shit every day.”

“Yeah. So? You gained a tin bit of weight. So?”

Jack blurts out a bitter laugh then, and it makes Alex jump. “I was fat, babe.”

“You were not.”

“Yeah, I was. You’re just afraid to admit it because you’re my boyfriend.”

“Well, that tiny pudge, which I happened to fucking adore, has certainly disappeared now,” Alex points out angrily, completely ignoring Jack's roll of his eyes. “What you’re doing... The starving and purging, it’s not healthy.”

“I don't have a problem,” Jack interjects. “I’m not... I’m not ‘sick’ or whatever babe. I’m basically just on a—“

“If you say ‘diet’ I will lose it. I will hit you if you say ‘diet’.”

“Babe, I don’t get the issue here.”

Alex is speechless. “You... You don’t get the issue?” he gasps out.

Jack shrugs. “It's healthy to want to lose some weight.”

“Lose some weight? Okay, here’s the issue. The issue, is that you can’t tell me the last time you had a real meal. The issue, is that I heard you throw up all that food yesterday. The issue, Jack, is that you are practically skin and bones, you look like a skeleton Jack. The issue is that you will barely touch me anymore. You’re hurting and this is not making anything better.”

“You don’t get it, do you?” He finally exclaims, raising angrily from his chair, and Alex jumps and cowers away from his boyfriend. “There’s so much fucking pressure, Alex. I try so, so hard to be strong like always, to be a good person, to be happy and selfless and somewhat mature so people won’t have a reason to hate me so much. But I can’t. I try to be the perfect boyfriend, but I'm nothing compared to Lisa. I miss you, and… It’s all so much. People are still talking about how much of a selfish prick I am. And I can’t do it. It's all weighing me down. I can’t feel heavy anymore, I can’t take it, the only thing I can do is change my weight. I’m trapped, Alex.”

His voice thickens and his eyeswater as he shouts, letting everything out. Alex lets him.

Tears slowly starts to run down his red cheeks, and Alex feels the need to get up and kiss them all away. His throat is thickening with tears as well, because this is Jack, his Jack standing in front of him with so much pain. This is what has been building up inside of him this past time, and Alex, Alex had done nothing to stop it.

“Is it worth it, though?” he asks quietly, standing up from his seat carefully, his legs shaking with anxiety. Honestly, Jack is scaring him. “Is it worth killing yourself? Is it worth shutting everyone who loves you out?”

“You don’t understand.“

“No, I don’t!” Alex screams. “I don’t understand! But that doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to help you, to be there for you! You should’ve just talked to me or something. Yelled, even. Fought with me, bloody his me for all I care! I don’t know. Just not kept it to yourself! Because all you're doing now is destroying us both! I would rather you hurt me then do this!” He falls to the floor. His legs just give out. He can't do this. He's sobbing and crying and all Jack is doing is staring at him.

“You know I wouldn’t do that. I'd never hurt you.”

Alex looks up at Jack before standing up shakily. He takes the taller man’s face in his hands ever so gently. “Yeah,” he says softly, wiping a few tears of Jack's flushed cheeks. “But what do you think I'm feeling now? Coz it feels a lot like hurt to me. I would of rather you punched me and bruised me. It'd be better for the both of us.”

Jack sobs once and brings a hand up dry his nose. “I’m sorry,” he says weakly. “This is a cmpletely mess, isn't it?”

“Yeah,” Alex says. “It really is.”

“Just... Just don’t hate me, yeah?” Jack whispers,

“Course not,” he just says.

“Okay. Okay, thanks. Just. Okay. Thanks,” Jack breathes, eyes falling onto Alex's quivering lips. “I love you, you know.”

Alex lets his lips brush softly against Jack’s. “I love you too. I’m so sorry…”

“Don’t,” Jack interrupts quietly but firmly, “Don't ever put any of this on you. Don’t. You’re wonderful.”

The kiss is wet and gentle, but theres a promise there.

"I'm hurting Jay. I can't stand seeing you like this anymore. It's killing me." Alex whispers,

"I'll get better for you. I promise. I'm so sorry Lex." Jack mumbles,

"I've known for a while. I've been so scared. Rian's worked it out too. And you didn't notice, but I publically broke up with Lisa. I want to go public with you. But only when you're better." Alex rambles and Jack just nods along,

"I'm so sorry I've been ignoring you. I just didn't want to hurt you, but I guess I did that anyway." The younger sighs and Alex nods,

"So, so much." He whispers and Jack hugs him,

"I haven't been paying attention to you. I know that. But I will listen to you all day. I will. I promise. I'm in love with you. I'm going to get better for you and we'll be us again."

"Just please don't take your life away from me."