Parts of Me

“Mesa I told you not to go near your brother!” I sigh as I lift a squirming Phoenix into my arms.

“Daddy it hurts…” Phoenix whines, wriggling about to get out of my grip.

“Do not scratch them, Phoenix. I know it hurts, do you think I like it?” I snap, putting him back down on the ground, resisting the urge to scratch myself.

Mesa sits on the couch with his arms folded across his bare, irritated chest.

We have a triple case of the fucking chicken pox.

I never got it as a kid because my brothers never did, so here I am at thirty fucking three with chicken fucking pox. We’ve had to cancel a local show this week that we had planned, and I’ve also had to have the boys pulled out of school for the last couple of days due to the disease. Apparently it was going around in the classroom and with twins, I’d of course had a higher chance of them bringing it home.
Oh the joys of twins, right?

Also, I was supposed to go out with Dakota tonight so we could ‘celebrate’ six months together. We had quite the plans for tonight but no; that would be like fucking a leper with the way I look right now. I didn’t even want to go out in public like this.

Dakota and I have been seeing each other ever since the first date six months ago, and it’s been going really well. Only two months ago I first introduced her to Mesa and Phoenix and they all got on like old friends. Mesa and Phoenix really like her. Phoenix was a little shy at the start, but they’ve really warmed up to her and they love going out and doing things with her.
Dakota on the other hand absolutely loves them and I was kind of jealous for a little while. I think Mesa has a crush on her, either that or she’s got some sort of spell over him because whenever she’s here he’s stuck to her like glue and always doing things for her like giving her flowers or drawings. I hardly ever get drawings anymore- well good ones. I get signs of protest whenever they don’t want to go to bed or eat their vegetables.

“Daddy it’s so itchy!”

“If you scratch it for me it’s okay! Daddy can you scratch it for me?!”

The doorbell rings just in time for me to get out of their scabby little hands and to the front door. I pull it open and freeze when I see Dakota standing before me with a backpack on her shoulder.

I step back. “You don’t wanna come in here darlin’, it’s lethal.” I state, slightly embarrassed that I’ve answered the door to her in nothing but sweats and a chest full of red scabs.

Dakota gives me a pout and reaches out to touch my face. “Poor baby. Your mom said you boys were sick with the pox. You’re just lucky I got them when I was twelve.” She says as she walks through the door without a second thought.

Lucky. Alright, sweet’art.

“You don’t have to do this,” I insist, closing the door and following her into the kitchen. “Really.”

Placing the backpack on the bench, Dakota pulls out a few snacks, my favourite chicken soup among them. “Like I hell I wouldn’t.”

“You’re a godsend,” I sigh, wrapping my arms around her waist and resting my chin on her shoulder. “Thank you for this.”

She turns around and kisses me softly. “I wish you would have called me. Y’know this whole boyfriend girlfriend thing has certain rules. Rules meaning you have to call me when you’re sick so I can come and look after you- especially when the boys are sick too.”

I nod, looking down into her hazel eyes. “Okay. I’ll keep that in mind- you know I’m still trying to get better at all of this.”

“I know,” she chuckles, running a hand through my hair before pulling away. “Now, I have those crackers the boys like. I was thinking that they would distract them as I put this stinkin’ ointment over their spots.” She hums with a small pout, looking up at me. “They’re not going to like this.”

I can’t help but laugh. “If you haven’t noticed, I’m covered too. How about I take Phoenix and you take Mesa? Then, we can sneak off to the bathroom and you can show me how good you are with that ointment.”

Dakota raises an eyebrow at me, a laugh falling from between her lips. “Wow, you really know how to make spot ointment sound sexy. Good work, O’Callaghan.”

I laugh and grab her hand, pulling her into the other room. “Boys, look who’s here.”

They look up simultaneously and start smiling.

“D’kota!”

“Hi boys!” She beams, giving them both a hug as she sits down on the couch in between them. “Your daddy told me you were sick! You poor things!”

“I got the chicken spots from school,” Mesa explains with a dramatic sigh, “and I gave them to Phe-Phe and daddy.”

“That’s no good,” Dakota pouts, ruffling his hair. “Well, luckily I got a special potion for those spots, and I got your favourite crackers. What do you say you let me and your dad fix you up, hmm?”

I’m surprised at how easy the boys are to agree. Usually they’d fight me on something like this but they quickly agree and are on the floor in front of the couch in seconds. I head back into the kitchen to grab the crackers before making my way back into the living room to help out.
The way Dakota gets on with the boys is really endearing, at least that’s what ma says. She keeps telling me ‘this is the way it should have been with Emily’ and something more about making sure I don’t lose this girl. I was determined not to do that.

I know six months is hardly anything compared to the length of my parents’ marriage, but like I said before, I had good feelings about this girl from day one. She’s met my parents and my friends and they’ve all gotten on so well. She’s great with the boys and still has the ability to keep her wild side for me. It’s the perfect balance and something I didn’t think was even possible to have.

By the time we finish with the boys they’re exhausted and pass out on the couch. They’ve been really stressed and frustrated the past couple of days over the illness, mainly because it allows them to do very little. They can’t really go anywhere and they can’t see any of their friends (Phoenix is especially upset over not being able to play with Jaxon). I’ve been trying to entertain them but there’s only so much I can do, having the illness with them.
Dakota and I leave the living room, heading down to the bathroom. She’s running me a hot bath because apparently it helps with the desire to itch.

I hiss as I lower myself in, the hot water instantly attacking my spots. “Fuck.” I mutter under my breath.

“You’ll thank me later,” she insists as she sits on the floor beside the bath, holding my hand as I lean back against the edge. “Have you been feeling the same symptoms as the boys?”

I shake my head. “My immune system is a lot stronger than theirs, thankfully. Phoenix threw up last night and Mesa this morning, but they’ve been okay besides that. I think the crackers really helped settle their stomachs.”

A smile tugs at Dakota’s lips. “They’re adorable, even when they’re sick.”

Playfully rolling my eyes, I lean across and kiss her. “I’m sorry we couldn’t do anything tonight.”

She waves it off. “It’s only six months, we can celebrate at a year. I’m not hugely obsessed on anniversary things.” She chuckles.

It’s a relief because neither am I. “Well, we can have dinner later when the boys are in bed, have some time together.”

“That sounds great.” She chuckles, kissing me one last time before standing as her phone sounds from the other room. “Be right back, babe.”

I sink back into the bath as she leaves the room, watching her until she’s completely out of my sight. The hot temperature of the water calms my erratically beating heart, and it helps when I close my eyes. Sometimes when I’m with her I get these mini panic attacks, because I start thinking about what would happen if Emily came back and suddenly wanted me. I know it’s a pathetic thought but there’s a string still tied to her, even after not seeing her for six years. I haven’t mentioned this to anyone but I have a feeling Dakota knows- she hasn’t said anything regarding it, even when I told her what happened with the boy’s mom. At first she seemed angry that I was left like that, but she’s never said a bad word about her, which surprised me. She seems to understand a lot more than I think she does.

But back to the panic attacks.

They’re not huge, but they make me rethink almost every little thing about our relationship and I start to wonder if we’re going to fast, even though I seemed more than ready to settle a couple of hours ago when she showed up on my doorstep.

I keep putting it down to being single for the past six years but I can’t help but think it’s something more than that. Did part of me think that Emily could come back? What would I do if she did come back? That little part of me that is still attached to her thinks that maybe I would go back to her, because she’s the first girl I fell for- we started a family together, even though she’s no longer a part of that family. She had a big role in my life and I’ll never be able to repay her for giving me those parts that rise above the others.

I kind of fucking hate that little part of me. How could I still have feelings for the girl who walked out on her kids? They were fucking babies and they were left without a mother.

“Fucking cruel bitch.” I mutter as the thought of her comes to mind.

I sigh, pushing my head under the water, my legs falling over the end of the bath. I open my eyes slightly and my vision is blurred from the water.

I still have feelings for Emily.

***

I find myself sitting on the couch with the boys while Dakota is in the shower later that afternoon. We’re watching some kids show that conveniently happens to be an episode where the puppies are sick and the mommy dog is looking after them; I’m still trying to get over the fact that the dogs are talking and I’m not high to have to see that.

“Daddy?” Phoenix pipes up from beside me.

I look down at him and nod. “Yeah bub?”

“Why does the doggy have a mommy but we don’t?” He asks with a firm frown on his face.

My brows furrow as I pull Phoenix into my lap. “Why do you say that? We’ve talked about this, a couple of years ago.”

“We don’t remember what you said but we didn’t want to make you sad about it.” Mesa mumbles as he rolls onto his stomach and drops his face into the couch.

“I’m not sad about it,” I chuckle, like I didn’t just have a panic attack in the bathroom. “It’s just…a difficult thing to talk about. Your mommy decided to leave before she got the chance to meet you. It’s a little bit sad, but we’re okay the three of us, aren’t we?” I ask, wondering if they feel any different to the situation than I do.

Phoenix puts a hand on either side of my face. “There is four of us, daddy,” he giggles, “you, me, Mesey and Kota.”

A smile tugs at my lips. “You guys really like her?”

Mesa looks up with a big smile. “I do, daddy. She’s really pretty and always smells really nice. Not like you.”

“Jeez, tell me how you really feel, Mes,” I scoff, reaching down to ruffle his hair. “I’m happy you boys like her though. That’s good.”

“I like her because she makes you happy-er daddy.” Phoenix giggles, pinching my cheek. “You like her.”

I don’t know how it’s possible for my six year old to make me blush, but he does somehow and I push his hand away from my face. “Shut it, Mr.”

“Mesey!” Phoenix squeals, jumping off of my lap and onto his brother. “Daddy likes D’kota!”

“Daddy and D’kota, sitting in tree-“

“Alright enough, if you two don’t knock it off I’ll-“

“k-i-s-s-i-n-g!”

Yeah, me and Halvo can’t spell around them anymore otherwise they start asking questions.

“You boys are a nightmare.” I scoff, covering Phoenix’s mouth. I really hope Dakota is still upstairs and can’t hear the immaturity going on down here. “Honestly.”

“So? You still have to love us!” Mesa giggles, wrapping his arms and legs around his brother. “Because we are here forever!”

“Oh that might be too hard,” I sigh, dragging them both into my lap. “You two are just too much for me!” I exclaim dramatically, causing them to giggle even more. Their personalities match that of a little girl’s, I swear to god.

“That’s so rude!” Phoenix gasps, like he’s deeply offended. I can’t help but laugh.

“Oh I’m kidding. You know I somewhat love you.” I chuckle, blowing a kiss onto his cheek so that he squeals in disgust. He loves it, really.

“You’re so mean daddy, so mean.”

***

Later on in the evening after I’ve put the boys to bed, I’m sitting on the living floor with Dakota. We’re eating some pasta dish (similar to the one we had on our first date so that calls for some red wine) and watching a movie that’s on TV. We’re not really paying attention, more talking to each other about how our days have been.

“So I got asked to review a show next week, Cold War Kids?”

My head shoots up at the familiar name, eyes wide. “Shit, no kidding? I love them.”

“I know,” she chuckles with a nod, “I got a bunch of tickets so see if anyone else wants to come with us. I’ve already given some to Tim and Ashley.”

“Thanks darlin’,” I chuckle, kissing her cheek. “Let’s hope I’m not looking like a leper by then.”

“You don’t look like a leper,” Dakota pouts, poking me in the chest. I’ve since put a shirt on after my bath- I didn’t think she’d want to look at my skin while eating dinner. “You’re like a poor little patient.”

“Well you’ve been a great nurse, so thank you for that.” I tell her appreciatively.

“Gosh it’s like your ex never looked after you when you’ve been sick.” She chuckles, shaking her head.

I think back to the times Emily used to make me soup and take days off of work to look after me. Those were the little things that kept coming back to me even though my feelings for Dakota are stronger. I thought six months with somebody else would help minimize those feelings but they’re still there, nagging at me like a tumour.

I’ve never called her that before.

“That was a long time ago,” I admit sheepishly.

“Sorry, that was insensitive,” Dakota mumbles, blushing slightly. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“No I know,” I nod quickly, “I just…” I wince, not knowing how to bring it up- I don’t even know if I should bring it up. Maybe it’ll just upset her.

“What is it?” She asks softly, reaching out to caress my arm. “You know you can tell me. We can talk about her, or whatever it is you want to talk about.”

I look down at my half-eaten plate. “There’s a small part of me that still has feelings for her.”
Her hand leaves my arm and the panic attack returns- until she places it on my thigh. “Hey, look at me.”

I glance up at her slowly, not ready to see her face.

Giving me a soft smile, Dakota sighs. “I completely understand, babe. The way she left you and the boys and how in love you must have been…it’s a lot to get over and deal with. I’m guessing you focused more on the boys than your own feelings- you probably haven’t given yourself enough of a break to really clear your emotions.”

I nod slowly, taken back by her observation. “I didn’t think I’d have to deal with them for a long time. Part of me still wants her to come back- but it’s a very small part of me. A much bigger part of me is…hoping we’ll go the distance.” I admit, wincing a little at the cheesiness of that confession; it doesn’t make it any less true, though.

She bites her lip to hide the tiny smile that wants to break through. She’s always smiling and I’ve really needed that. “You’re always putting yourself last hun, you really need to work on that.” She murmurs, pressing her lips to my ear. “You’re worth so much more than you give yourself credit for.”
I look up at the ceiling, an attempt to keep the pathetic fucking tears at bay. “She wouldn’t have left if she thought that way.”

Dakota wraps her arms around me and moves her legs across my lap, holding me tight. Before her I hadn’t felt this in so many years. Don’t get me wrong about all of this; it’s not like I’ve been miserable with the boys, but they’re only six years old, they’re not old enough for this kind of adult conversation and I haven’t been this intimate with somebody my age for six years. I’ve missed having another human around that I can tell all this kind of stuff too. There’s only so much I can tell Ashley and Halvo.

“I love you. I know we’ve been trying to go slow, but I love you, and I want you to know that- even if you’re not ready to say it back-“

I cut her off by kissing her passionately, my hand going up behind her cheek. “I’m not ready to say it back but just know I appreciate you so god damn much, darlin’.” I murmur before crashing my lips back down against hers.

Her arms wrap around my neck and she pulls me down to the floor on top of her. Subconsciously I move the wine glasses and plates out of the way before straddling her tiny waist.
I need this-I could see myself loving her one day soon.

She’s becoming a huge part of me and I’m not going to turn that away.
I’m not going to lose this one.