Parts of Me

“No way. No way in hell. No.”

“Aw come on babe, be a little open minded about this.”

I roll my eyes and shake my head at the record in her hands. “I’m sorry but no. I cannot justify paying for a Britney Spears vinyl- it shouldn’t even be on vinyl.”

Dakota gives me a pout. “It’s only a dollar!”

“Exactly,” I scoff, rooting through the pre-loved records to find something actually worth listening to. “I mean by all means, you go ahead and get it, but don’t expect me to humour it with my record player.”

Dakota lets out a laugh and puts the record back. “You need to live a little, old man.”

I shoot her a warning look. “Don’t play with my age.”

“Aw, are you sad about turning forty next week?” She pouts, wrapping an arm around my waist.

“I’m turning thirty seven!” I hiss, appalled that she’d even mutter the ‘f’ word at me. She really hasn’t aged since the day we met.

“Oh is that all?” She giggles, kissing me sweetly before walking away, causing me to follow her down to the disco section. “By the way you’re acting, I could’ve sworn it was forty you’re hitting.”

“You’re such a little shit,” I chuckle, wrapping my arm back around her waist. “Little miss know it all. Just because you only turned thirty three last month.”

“Y’know, I’m the same age you were when we first met,” she tells me, “meaning this is our fourth year together.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way,” I murmur in her ear.

Four years. I can’t believe how fast everything has gone. The boys are now ten years old and going to school five days a week. They really enjoy the fourth grade, which I’m glad about. They’ve got a good group of friends to keep them going and they’re just well rounded kids in general. Halvo and I have been taking them out to play baseball every Sunday for the little league, which I’m happy to confirm both Mesa and Phoenix have made it onto.

We’re also currently in the process of moving Dakota in with us, something I had to make sure the boys were okay with. They were, thankfully, because they love Dakota almost as much as I do. I eventually got around to telling her that, only a couple of months after she said it to me. I’ve put all of my emotions regarding Emily behind me, erasing that tiny little part of me that wanted her back- I’m happy and I’ve moved on. I haven’t heard from her since that letter and I don’t plan on hearing from her again. I’m happy, the boys are happy, let’s just leave it at that.

“So I’ve just got to find someone to buy my couch and a few other pieces of furniture and then we should be good to go.” Dakota tells me as we flick through a few different records.

“I can’t wait,” I mumble, kissing the side of her head. “I’ll get more keys cut for you this week.”

“I’m so happy we’re doing this,” she murmurs as she lifts up a Black Sabbath record that definitely doesn’t belong in the disco section. “It’ll be good for us.”

“I’d hope so,” I chuckle, flipping the record over to see the track listing. “This is a good one.”

“Dibs,” she mumbles quickly before tucking it under her arm and returning to the bin in front of her. “Need some Fleetwood, come on.” She says as she takes my hand to lead me the way.

“I’ll meet you there. Halvo wants me to find an old Rocket album.” I say, rolling my eyes.

“Okay.” She chuckles, giving me a smile.

Friday mornings are usually easy like this. We both usually have it off (Dakota’s work is mostly freelance so she gets to choose her hours), and after dropping the boys off at school we go get breakfast and then head into town to look around, which usually ends up with us buying too many records and spending the rest of the weekend listening to them-

“John.”

I freeze completely in the pop punk aisle, my fingers dropping whatever album from my best friends’ band that I’d found. No. No no no no no no. No. No.
I run a hand over my face, pushing myself to believe that I couldn’t have possibly just heard what I thought I’d heard.

“John?”

When I feel her hand on my arm it’s like I’ve been touched by fire. I turn around and almost fall over at the sight of her. Jesus Christ. It’s been ten years. She looks so good. Fuck. My chest hurts- where’s Dakota? My eyes are stinging. Shit.

“Say something.” She sighs, running a hand through her long, honey coloured hair. I see she’s let it grow out, even longer than it was all those years ago. She looks really good and that really sucks.

“Fuck.” I breathe heavily. My chest is still pounding and I think she can pick up on that. “Emily.”

She looks at me with her brown eyes locking me in like they used to do so well. “I didn’t think I’d run into you here- but I guess that was stupid because we always used to come here.” She mumbles, looking around the store anxiously. She’s holding the new Tom Waits album and my heart aches.

“I’ve never stopped coming here.” I throw back bitterly. I want her to feel the pain she’s given me the past ten years; I want her to feel helpless.

She nods quietly, like she knows she deserves that. “I’ve been living in San Francisco.”

“How long?”

“Seven years.”

I nod slowly, not really sure what to say. I never thought I’d see this girl again. I feel like I’m going to
be sick and collapse all at the same time. My heart is still beating double time, if that’s any indication to go by.

“Hey babe I found that record I was telling you about-“

Dakota stops by my side as she takes in Emily. I’ve told her about her and shown a picture of what she looks like so I have no doubt that she can put together who she is.

Emily takes in Dakota and her lip quivers ever so slightly but it’s enough for me to catch. She doesn’t look comfortable but than again, neither am I.

“Emily, this is Dakota. My girlfriend.” I say, introducing the two. “Dakota, this is Emily. The woman who ditched her kids when they were just babies.”

“John…” Emily mumbles, a hurt expression across her features.

Dakota slips her hand into mine and rubs my arm. “I’m going to go get these records, then I’ll grab us a coffee down the road, okay?” She murmurs in my ear as she takes the few records that I’ve selected.
She kisses my cheek softly before turning to Emily. “Nice to meet you.” She nods with a polite smile before heading to the front counter. I watch her walk away, my eyes trained on her. When I finally turn back to Emily I notice she’s doing the same thing.

“She’s gorgeous,” Emily says in disbelief, her eyes turning glassy. “Is she recent?”

I shake my head. “No. We’ve been together for years.” I claim, hoping to give the impression that I’m
one hundred percent over her.

“Is she the only girl you’ve seen?” Emily asks.

“Is that any of your business?” I shoot back viciously. “What do you care?”

Emily gives me a look, one I’ve never forgotten. “Come on John, I’m trying to be civil here.”

“Oh, thanks for that,” I scoff, “after ten fucking years of being absent from my life.”

“Can we talk elsewhere?” She asks softly, leaving the record on the shelf.

“I don’t think I care much to hear what you’ve got to say.” I state firmly. It’s true; I really don’t think I can handle talking to her today. My whole world is crumbling and I’ve only been around her for five minutes. I forgot how much of an effect she could have over me.

“We need to talk, John,” Emily sighs, crossing her arms over her chest. “I need to explain things to you, why I did what I did-I’ve changed my life after that day, I’ve changed it for the better.”

“Great. I’m glad to know that leaving my sons has changed your life for the better.” I snap hastily. I can’t believe she’s really saying this.

“Let me explain this, John,” she snaps back, just as firm. She’s as hot headed as me and that clearly hasn’t changed. “That letter didn’t do justice obviously- I know I’ve hurt you and I know I’ve messed up, but I need to talk with you.”

“Why? What do you want from this?” I ask, knowing she has an underlying motive. “We could just go our separate ways and never see or speak to each other again. I won’t make you be around for the boys and you don’t have to be apart of their lives. I’m just fine without you.”

She looks down at her hands. “I…”

“What?” I frown, almost regretting coming down so harsh on her.

She sighs, running a hand through her hair as she looks up at me. “I want to be apart of their lives.”

My eyes widen and I shake my head frantically. “No. No way.”

“John,” she frowns, “they’re my kids too.”

“Like fuck are they your kids!” I hiss, keeping my voice as low as possible. “You’re not the one who’s raised them the past ten years! You’re not the one that took them to school or taught them how to ride a bike- I did. I did all of that, so don’t you come in here and think that you can just take that all away!”

“That’s not-“ Emily looks around before grabbing my arm and pulling me down to the back of the store. “That’s not what I’m saying, John. I’m not trying to take anything away from you; I just want a chance to get to know them! You can’t say they’ve never asked about me.”

“Of course they’ve asked about you,” I stress, my voice breaking. “They ask why you’re not around. They ask why their friends have moms and dads and they only have a dad. They ask why they can’t celebrate mother’s day at school or make mother’s day cards- they ask why their mother left them and if it’s their fault. That’s what they ask.”

Emily nods quietly, pushing a hand through her hair; she always does that when she’s nervous, I used to do it too, but Dakota hardly makes me nervous. “I don’t want them to spend the rest of their lives going on to think that. I don’t even have to be in their lives, I just…I just want to meet them, to let them know that if they ever want to ask me anything, I’m here.”

“So they get answers and I don’t?” I scoff in disbelief.

Emily rolls her eyes. “I said I would tell you everything. You’re the one who doesn’t want to hear it.”
Oh. That’s right.

“Fine,” I hiss, taking my phone out and handing it to her. “We’ll meet soon.”

“I gave you my number-“

“I deleted it.”

“Oh well that was kind of you.” She scoffs under her breath as she types her number back into the phone and hands it over. “Call me. I want to talk, John.”

“I said I would, okay?” I shoot back rudely. “Just give me time- I gave you time.”

“Of course.” She answers simply, nodding and standing back. She lets my insults fly past her because she still knows how I am when I get angry. Dakota knows too; she’s kind of become everything that Emily used to be, but this time I know she wouldn’t just run out on me. Dakota is a lot more loyal and reliable than Emily was when she left. Dakota is just a better person for me.

“Alright…” I mumble, shoving my phone in my pocket. I look towards the window and see Dakota waiting outside with two coffees in hand and the bag of records on her arm. She looks up to see me watching her and she gives me a small smile. “I should go.”

Emily nods quietly, “I should get that Tom Waits record.”

I nod, not knowing what else to say. “Well…I’ll see you later I guess.”

We say our goodbyes and I turn to walk away, but not before she calls out to me. I stop and turn to face her. “Yes?”

“I’m…I’m just happy that you’re happy.” She hums with a nod. “You deserve it.”

Seeing her like this makes my chest ache. I nod. “Thank you.”

After that I leave; seeing her is overwhelming, and not in a good way. I make my way outside to Dakota, who greets me with a tight hug.

“Are you okay?” She whispers, looking up at me.

I nod slowly. “I think so. I’m just…shocked.”

“I don’t blame you, baby. You couldn’t have been expecting that.” She chuckles as she pulls away, handing me a coffee. “Jesus.”

“Thanks. I didn’t even know she was in Arizona. She said she’s been in San Fran for the past seven years.” I scoff, “she’s been so close and I had no idea.”

“Well how were you to know?” Dakota frowns, rubbing my shoulder as we walk down the now busy street. “Some contact would have been nice, but I guess she had her reasons.”

I look down at Dakota, who walks beside me with a look on her face that tells me she’s deep in thought. I put my arm around her shoulders and squeeze them. “You are one of the most lovingly compassionate people I’ve ever met. Since the day we met, you’ve never said one bad word about her. Even after everything I’ve said.”

She gives a small shrug. “It’s not my place to make a comment. Me shit talking your ex-girlfriend isn’t going to help any situation.”

I kiss her forehead and take a sip of my coffee. “I love you, darlin’.” I sigh, moving my hand into hers.

“I love you too,” she nods softly. “Are you going to see her again?”

I wince, not knowing if I should. “She wants to meet so she can explain everything to me, but I don’t know if I really want to hear it.”

“Oh come on, I know you’re angry with her, but don’t you think you should hear her out? You deserve that kind of closure with her.” Dakota points out as we cross the street to make it back to my truck. “I think it will do you some good.”

“How is hearing her excuses going to do me some good?” I scoff, completely disagreeing with her. “I’m happy now, why should I give her the opportunity to ruin that?” I ask as I open the passenger door for her.

Dakota leans across to put the records on the seat and her coffee in the cup holders- I don’t bother stopping myself from taking in the view as she bends over. She stands up straight and turns to me. “I just think you should give her a chance- I know she’s done wrong by you, but the boys need a mother figure in their lives, John. Don’t you think you should at least give them that opportunity?”

I bite my lip as I watch her climb into the passenger seat. I lean against the car, taking in her beauty. Four years. I can’t imagine what my life would be like now had I not gone out with her all those years ago. I’m so glad Ash kept nagging me to go out with her.

“They do have a mother figure in their lives.” I mumble, reaching down to take her hand.

Dakota looks up at me, her eyes wide. “John-“

“You know they look at you like you’re the closest thing to a mom they can get. They love you, darlin’.” I shrug, rubbing the back of my neck. Does she not want to be that to them? Was I in over my head? She must be able to read my confused expression because she chuckles softly and pulls me closer, her arms wrapping themselves around my torso. Usually I’m not one for huge amounts of PDA, but today I was feeling a little vulnerable.

“And I love them too, so much. But they’re ten years old now and maybe its time they met their mom. Don’t get me wrong babe, I’ll always be there for them, that’s a given. But they might want to meet her. You can’t deprive them of that forever.” She explains, reaching up to touch my cheek. “But…if ever they need me, I’ll be there for them.”

I wrap my arms around her and hold her close. “You’re so good to us.”

“You’ve been nothing but loving to me; why should I be anything short of that?” Dakota murmurs, kissing me sweetly before we pull away for good. “Now come on, let’s get home. I’ll make us some lunch while we listen to these new records. We’ve only got a couple of hours before we have to pick up the boys.”

I nod and make my way around to the driver’s seat, feeling somewhat lighter about the situation. She has a way of doing that for me.

Maybe I should see Emily again, or at least ask the boys if they want to see her. It’s up to them, really. If they don’t want to see her I’m not going to force them into it; they might not be ready right now. But if they do want to see her, I’ll have to adjust to that and accept it for what it is. They might be ready; and maybe Dakota is right. As much as she’s a mother figure to the boys, it’s possible they need to meet Emily, to gain the closure that I apparently need too. I’m still unsure about that.

I look over at Dakota as she sips on her coffee, glancing out of the window as we roll through the streets of Arizona. She’s gorgeous, and despite what she said earlier, she’s absolutely way too good for me. She’s amazing with Mesa and Phoenix. She leaves the disciplining up to me, but for the most part she’s pretty invested in their lives and the raising of them. She never admits to it but I hear the mom voice she puts on sometimes to get them to do things like going to bed on time or eating the foods they insist they’re allergic to. She’s never harsh on them (that’s me when I have to be), and she’s always encouraging. They treat her with the same respect they’d treat their mother if she was around. I’ve taught them well and so has Dakota; we make a great team. I just wish I were ready to ask her to marry me; I have a feeling that’s what she’s waiting for. Almost all of the guys are married or have kids (Pat’s the latest to have an announcement that him and his girl are getting married at the end of next summer), so I know it’s been playing on her mind. She hasn’t voiced it to me of course, but I like to think I know her as well as she knows me.

But maybe in a few years time I’ll be ready. I really can’t lose her; she’s become such a big part of not just my life, but the boys’ too. We’re all fitting together like this was supposed to happen. Like it was all meant to turn out like this. But now Emily’s back and it’s throwing every thing to shit quicker than I can process it. What would this mean for the boys? What would my parents think of her arrival? What about all the friends she left behind; the relationships she failed to repair over the past ten years? There’s so much damage she’s caused and I’m the one that’s had to pick up the pieces. I’ve done my best but there’s only so much of her mess I can tidy up.

Do I really need her coming back and breaking apart all of the pieces I’ve tried to put back together? Do we need to go through that again?

The anger resurfaces for her the same way it did the weeks after she left. She’s nothing more than a cruel, cruel bitch.

But god damn those fucking eyes.
She’s just one part I’ve been wanting to forget.