Parts of Me

Emily’s POV (10 Years Ago)
My entire body aches. My head stings and my eyes feel swollen to the point where I feel I can hardly see. I feel like death. I don’t care. I deserve it.
I look around the room and wince as the morning light floods in. My heart starts beating double time as the realisation sets in. If I want to get out of here, I have to do it now. Sitting up my head throbs and I feel like sinking back into the pillows and closing my eyes- maybe I can do this, maybe I’m wrong.

No. You can’t.

I tug on the wires attached to me and wince as they leave my body. My feet hit the ground and it sends goose bumps up my spine. You need to get out of here. You can’t do this.
I change quickly into the clothes I arrived in and grab my things together. We haven’t been here long and I don’t plan on staying for much longer. I can’t. My body is breaking down with every thought about what my future is supposed to hold for me. I can’t do this. We can’t do this.

We.

I look over to see John asleep in the chair beside the bed I’ve been sleeping in since we arrived. I move around the room quietly and slowly because it still hurts when I breathe. I’m only fresh out of surgery and the stitches are still a bitch to deal with, so I don’t try to push my luck. I know the medication in my bag will do wonders later on when this all hurts too much.

Squeezing between the two cribs and the end of my bed, I stub my toe on the wheel of the bed and bite my lip, covering my mouth as not to let out a painful scream and wake them all up.
Tears fill my tired eyes as I look down at the two little boys sleeping soundly in their plastic cribs. I can’t hold myself together around them and it’s not supposed to be like that. They’re absolutely beautiful and finally stable enough to not have to spend their time in the NICU. They’re free to go home tomorrow; and it scares the shit out of me.

That’s why I have to go.
You’re not good enough. You’ll only hurt them.

I’m not fit to be a mother and it wouldn’t be long before John realises it too. This is something he’s better off doing without me and I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but it will later on down the track. Leaving him is the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do but I don’t deserve those two boys. I’ll only bring them down.

With tears streaming down my face, I leave the note in John’s lap and make my way for the door, but not without looking at my boys one last time. I love them so much; all three of them. But I know they’re going to be stronger and they’re going to be happier and healthier without me. I’m a plague and they don’t deserve that.

My mental health is only going to be a burden for them; it’s going to make them sick. If I have to live with the guilt of leaving my kids at birth for the greater good of their health, than so be it. If they never want to see me again because of this, than I have to deal with it. I would rather them hate me for not being there than hate me for making them sick. I won’t do that to them.
With one last trip to their cribs, I kiss them both before kissing John softly on the cheek. I’m going to miss him so much- he’s the most amazing and selfless person I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting. I’ve never loved anyone like I’ve loved him. Nobody comes close. To leave him in such a way breaks my heart but I can’t stay here and hurt him anymore. He may not understand for quite some time, but when the time is right he will, and he’ll move on. He’ll find somebody better that can love him so much better than I can. Maybe I’ll get the chance to see him again and explain everything. Maybe I won’t. But like with the boys, I would rather him hate me for leaving than hate me for making him feel the way I do.

He doesn’t deserve this and I wouldn’t wish it on anybody. He’s the strongest part of this family, and I know he’ll be able to handle this so much better than I ever possibly could. He’s the one part that these boys need and I won’t take that away from him; he’s the most important part of their lives now and it pains me to say that without including myself but I won’t hurt them anymore than I have to. I kiss him again, one last time.
“I love you.”


A week and a half has passed since seeing Emily and I’ve spoken to her once. We’ve decided to call one another once a month so I could catch her up on the boys; she understands that they’re not ready to see her, but she still wants to be kept up to date with what’s going on in their lives.
I came clean to Dakota about everything and she was really supportive about the whole thing, which didn’t surprise me. She’s fine with me talking to Em and having some form of relationship with her. I had to be civil with her for the sake of the boys. When they want to meet their mom, I can’t be immature and bitter about it; what happened with Emily was ten years ago and she had her reasons. That doesn’t mean I fully forgive her for leaving the boys, but there’s a part of me that understands. I was in love with the girl for so many years and to hear that she tried to take her own life was heartbreaking.

I know it can’t be my fault because there were things going on in her head before we started dating, but there’ll always be that little bit of guilt at the pit of my stomach. I care about Emily; it’s only natural. But I don’t have the feelings for her that I have for Dakota. Those feelings are long gone.

“Darlin’ can you pass me the sugar?”

I look up from my coffee as I sit at the kitchen bench. I reach across the bench and slide the sugar towards Dakota, who takes it with a smile to add to her coffee. I rest my chin on the palm of my hand as I look at her. She doesn’t look like she’s aged a day in the four years we’ve been together.

“What do you have on today?” I ask her.

She looks up and takes a sip of her coffee. “I have an article I need to send off to get reviewed before it goes into publishing. I need to fix a few things up on it before I do a couple album reviews. Apart from that though, not much.”

I nod, a smirk growing on my lips. “Would you happen to be reviewing our new album?”

Dakota blushes and turns away. “I had to fight for that one; conflict of interest, apparently.”

“Well I can’t wait to hear what you have to say; just know that our relationship will only survive on a five star review.” I tease, wrapping my arms around her and sliding my stool closer to hers.

Dakota bites her lip to hold back a smile but fails; moving to kiss my cheek instead. “I love you, you big dork.”

“Well that hurts,” I chuckle, kissing her forehead. “But I love you too, darlin.”

“How are you feeling this week? Better than a couple days ago?” She wonders, looking up at me.

I nod slowly. “I’m fine. It was just a lot to take in, y’know?”

She nods, giving me a sad smile. “Well hopefully tonight you can just relax and take a breather from all of that, hmm?”

There’s a get together tonight at 8123, because we haven’t caught up as a group in the past couple of weeks since the band got back from tour. We’ve just finished touring for American Candy after a long couple of years of taking a break. It felt good to get out and be doing what we’re meant to be doing; playing music. Dakota stayed back and took care of the boys; it’s the first real tour we’ve done since they’ve started school and I really don’t want to pull them out for long periods of time. I know, it’s the responsible parent in me.
So you can say that I’m more than excited to finally see our friends and have a drink or two.

“I sure hope so, darlin’,” I chuckle, cracking my knuckles; something both she and Emily hate.

Dakota pushes my hair behind my ear and kisses just below it. “Take it easy; I’m sure it’ll all work out for the better.” She murmurs, giving me a hug before standing from the kitchen bench. “C’mon, we should get the boys up for school.”

“It’s a Friday,” I groan, reaching out and pulling her back into me. “Maybe we can call in sick for them.”

“John!” Dakota laughs, shaking her head. “What was all that about not taking them on tour so they wouldn’t miss school?!”

“They’re my little boys, D, I hardly get to see them as it is.” I chuckle, squeezing her hips. “Soon enough they’ll be discovering girls and be going to parties with all their friends- y’know, I’m waiting for the day Phe and Jaxon start a band- you know how passionate they are about that. Soon it’ll be the only thing he wants to talk about!”

“Aw, somebody’s having a daddy moment,” Dakota pouts, caressing my stubbly chin. “You’re the man in charge here, I’m sure one day won’t hurt.”

I look up at her. “You don’t think it’ll damage their little minds?”

“Hmm…maybe they’ll miss out on Wall Street, but that’s not a huge loss.” Dakota giggles, connecting our lips. “Hey maybe we could get them up anyway and go on a hike? Then grab a proper breakfast on the way back down.” She suggests, smiling in excitement.

“That sounds perfect- have you ever been told that you’re perfect?” I smirk, poking her side.

She rolls her eyes and gives me a small nudge. “Only by you, but that’s a given because you’re incredibly biased.”

“I am not biased,” I gasp dramatically, before taking her hands and pulling her closer. “Now give me an apology kiss.”

“You’re also very demanding,” she tuts, running a hand around the side of my head and into my hair to pull my face closer to hers, where she meets me with a sweet kiss.

It’s not long before we’re making out like we’re half our ages. Oh what I’d do to be eighteen again.

***

“That’s it! You’re almost there!” I call out to the boys as they slowly make their way to the top of the mountain.

“It’s so far!” Mesa whines as he trails behind Phoenix, the two of them collapsing at my feet.

“Oh come on, we used to do this all the time with Uncle Ken.” I laugh, helping them to their feet. “When you boys were a couple months old we’d each have one of you strapped to us and we’d run all the way up.”

“I think I remember the motion sickness,” Phoenix mutters.

“Then when you were five, we’d have you on our shoulders- you were like our little weights.” I laugh,
pushing them to keep going as we made our way down the track. “Do you remember any of that?”

“I remember you dropping me that one time.” Mesa pipes up as we walk past an older couple. They give me a concerning look and I shove the boys forward to walk a little faster.

“That’s why we’d always fight over who gets to go with Uncle Kennedy.” Phoenix laughs, finding it absolutely hilarious- if only he knew I’d dropped Mesa because I slipped on a rock and ended up spraining my ankle and dislocating my wrist- y’know what? They’d probably still find it funny.

“Where’s Dakota?” Mesa asks, looking around as they finally notice her absence.

“She went on a head to the truck, you boys were taking too long.” I tease, sliding my hands into my pockets. “You feel like breakfast?”

They both nod with great enthusiasm.

“Hey dad?” Mesa asks as we walk down the trail.

“Yeah bud?” I hum, looking over at him.

Mesa looks at Phoenix before over at me. “We uh…we don’t mind if you marry Dakota.”

I’m thrown off completely by his statement, even more surprised to see Phoenix casually nodding along. My eyes widen- I had no idea they were even thinking about that kind of stuff.

“I…boys-what?”

Phoenix shrugs. “We know you love her, and we love her too. So, if you want to marry her but aren’t because of us, we don’t mind if you marry her.”

“You know that would make her your step-mom, right?” I muse, mulling the idea over in my head, even though I know I wouldn’t be asking for a good couple of years. Now is just not the right time.

“Does it count if we’ve never had a real mom?” Phoenix mumbles.

I send him a look. “You can see her, y’know.”

“We’re happy with Dakota. We don’t need whoever she is.” Mesa retorts rudely. It sucks the way they are towards Em, but there’s not much I can do right now. They’re too young to be told why she really left and for now, they’ve made up their minds. I’ll just have to wait until they become a little more mature about the situation so they can understand what really happened. I don’t want to put that sort of guilt onto their shoulders at such a young age, it’s not fair on them.
It’s also important I don’t say anything negative against their mom and encourage their thoughts- they need to make up their minds all on their own.

I nod quietly. “You’re allowed to have your own opinions; I respect that. Just…don’t write your mom off yet, okay? Maybe rethink it in a couple of years.”

They both nod and the conversation changes as we reach Dakota, who’s waiting with a smile at the truck.

“But seriously dad, you can ask her to marry you.” Phoenix whispers before running a head of his brother.

I can’t help but follow, my expression matching my girl’s.

***

“To 8123!”
We raise our drinks in toast to our life’s work before throwing a couple cheers back with our beers. It feels good to just kick back with everyone you love. These are the nights we worked our asses off as kids for; this is the point of it all.

“Hey man, it’s been fucking ages,” Eric exclaims as he slaps me on the back. He’d only just rocked up with his crew a couple minutes before everyone started making toasts to the company.

“Dude, the kids are around.” I mutter to him, before greeting him with a hug. I can tell he’s a little buzzed already, but it’s become a rarity these days because he’s been incredibly busy with his five year old daughter (oh yeah, they had a girl) Daisy, and settling her into school.

“Mine’s with her mother, so I’m clear.” He smirks, nudging me. “I see Dakota looks as hot as ever.”

“You’re on a roll to be the worst best friend ever, aren’t you?” I chuckle, shaking my head as I skull the rest of my beer.

“I can’t help it man, I’m fuck-f-u-c-k-i-n-g stoked.”

“We can spell Uncle Halvo,” Phoenix tells him before running off to find one of the other kids.

Eric sends me a look before waving it off. “I have news.”

My eyes widen. “You got Leah pregnant again, didn’t you?”

“Even better,” Eric grins, backhanding my attack.

“What’s even better than that?” I ask, furrowing my eyebrows.

Eric leans in, draping an arm around my shoulders. “I asked to her to marry me, dude.”

“Dude!” I exclaim, pulling him in for a headlock. “Fuck! Congratulations!”

“Keep it down!” He hisses, shoving me away with a wide grin on his face. “We’re keeping it quiet for now.”

“Oh so you tell me?” I laugh, giving him a proper hug. “Jesus man, congratulations. Now that you mention it, Leah looks a little extra happy tonight.” I say as I look across the yard at my best friend’s fiancé.

“She’s looking fucking gorgeous, man.” Eric sighs happily, patting my back. “How did we get so lucky? Beautiful kids and a Mrs. We’re living the life.”

“Sure are,” I chuckle as I glance over at Dakota, who, as usual, has a wide smile on her face. “Although she’s more my Miss than my Mrs.”

“Yeah about that, when are you planning on popping the question? You guys have been together, what, five years?” Eric asks curiously, like the caring wingman he is.

“We’ve been together four years,” I correct, “but I don’t think I’m ready for marriage just yet. The boys have told me they’re more than happy for me to marry Dakota but I’m just not ready- after what happened with Em, it takes a lot more for me to properly settle with somebody.”

“It’s been ten years, man.” He muses, becoming somewhat sober just when I need him to; he’s always been good at that.

“I know,” I chuckle, rubbing my jaw. “But her suddenly coming back into my life is just opening up a lot of shit I really wanted to keep closed. I mean I understand why she left, but I was still hurt for so long and it’s a tiny little thing, but that’s what’s stopping me. I’m just not ready to invest in something as important as marriage just yet. Plus, four years isn’t that long.”

“Okay,” Eric nods, “that’s fair- and dude, if it means this much, it’s not a tiny little thing, so don’t feel like it doesn’t matter- if you ever wanna get real feminine and cry over a few drinks, I’m here man.”

I give him one more hug, this time one that means a little more. “Fuck dude, thanks so much for everything you’ve done for me and the boys over the past ten years.” I mumble.

“I’ve always got your back, O’Callaghan,” he chuckles lightly, slapping me on the back as we pull away. “You should know that by now-“

“Daddy!”

We’re interrupted by Daisy Halvorsen; Eric’s pride and joy. His face lights up as she comes running towards us, and he bends down just in time to scoop her up into his arms.

She giggles and wraps her arms around his neck, kissing his cheek.

“Hey baby girl, did you say hello to Uncle John?” He whispers in her ear.

Daisy looks up at me with her mother’s smile. “Hi Uncle John!”

“Hi darlin’,” I chuckle, kissing her cheek. “How are you?”

“Good! Mommy and daddy are getting married!” She squeals, before cupping Eric’s face and giving him a kiss on the lips. She winces as she pulls away. “Daddy you’ve been drinking the naughty drinks!”

Eric lets out a laugh and I can’t help but join in. “I know, baby girl, daddy’s just celebrating.”

“Can I celebrate too?” Daisy asks, clapping her hands together.

“You sure can, with a soda.” Eric whispers, “just don’t tell mama.”

“Oh great way to start a marriage.” I laugh, shaking my head at him. “I should go find Dakota. Congrats dude, I’m happy for you guys.”

“Thanks man, I appreciate it.” He beams, before refocusing his attention on the little girl in his arms.

I walk around the yard looking for one of my three people but fail to find them through the sea of people. Deciding to look for them later, I grab a beer and head over to the grill, where I find Tim, Jared and a couple of the other guys standing around with beers in hand.

“Hey man, you cooking me up a burger?” I shoot at Tim with a smirk.

“Get in line, O’Callaghan.” Tim retorts, turning back to the grill. “I have other mouths to feed.”

“Like all these kids, I swear to God, there’s a new one every time we meet up.” Kennedy mumbles as someone’s child runs into the back of his legs, causing him to spill his beer.

“What do you expect? We’re getting on in life.” Jared laughs. I notice him look over his shoulder to check on Tessa and their daughter Natasha. No matter how much we like to joke about it, we’re all way too protective over our families. I guess you could take it as a good thing, though. We say it’s crazy how most of us have settled or either had kids or gotten married, but it really isn’t crazy at all- like Jared said, we’re getting on, most of us beyond thirty-five, so this was bound to happen.

“You are gonna be the last person to have a kid, Brock.” Tim laughs over his shoulder.
Kennedy rolls his eyes. “We’re not interested in having kids. Marriage is enough for us.” He states comfortably. It’s true; Kennedy married Isa, his girlfriend of two years a couple months ago, and they’ve yet to get a start on kids. They’re not the kind of people to really have a desire to be parents so they’ve decided against having a baby. They have two dogs and are constantly camping and going on hiking adventures; it’s enough to satisfy the two of them and it makes them happy, so why not? The guys still give him shit about not wanting kids, but he takes it with a grain of salt and knows we’re just kidding around. He claims he’s got the easy life because of the lack of shitty diapers in his household- he may be right there, but I wouldn’t have traded it for the world.

“Dude, even Pat beat you to the game.” Moose smirks, ignoring Kennedy’s prior statement; Max just likes to stir the pot, something that hasn’t changed in the twenty or more years we’ve known him.

I glance over at where Pat stands with his wife Layla, slightly out of the crowd with his hands on her hardly showing stomach. They’re only three months along but they’re crazy in love with the idea of being parents; it makes sense, Pat’s always been really good with kids. They’ve been together just a few months longer than Dakota and myself but it honestly feels like decades; that’s one thing that surprised myself and a few of the other guys. For so many years, Pat dedicated all of his time to his work, leaving no time to go out and meet somebody. When the boys were about one, he met a girl and they were together for three years before breaking up. It wasn’t good and he was in a bad mood for months; until he met Layla. She changed something in him and ever since the day he introduced her to us, we knew there was something different about him.
The two of them got married just over a year ago, and were more than ready for their baby. It’s good seeing him so happy; the fucker more than deserves it.

I’m brought back to reality when two arms slip around my waist, squeezing me tight.

I look up to see Dakota grinning over my shoulder.

“Hey Kirch, you think you could sneak me a burger?” Dakota teases with that grin I swear never leaves
her face.

Tim looks dramatically over each shoulder before making up a burger and handing it to her, causing the rest of us to call out in objection.

“Oh fuck off, it’s ladies first you untrained pigs.” Tim scoffs, flipping us off.

Dakota throws me a shit-eating grin as she takes a bit from her burger. “That’s very true, Timothy. Ash has you trained well, I see.”

“I thought I could see whip marks on you, boy.” Moose laughs, thinking he’s absolutely hilarious. Well, it is, I guess.

Tim rolls his eyes, clearly not on the same page. “Very funny. Sexual jokes, because they’re not like a thousand years old.”

“Y’know what’s a thousand years old?” Garrett butts in as he pushes his way into the conversation. “The time in which I last asked for a burger, so hurry that ass up Kirch.”

“Y’know just because you’re so used to being a spoilt brat doesn’t mean I’m caving to you, Nickelson.” Tim scoffs. “None of you have any manners.”

“I am not a spoilt brat!” Garrett claims in defense.

“That’s exactly what a spoilt brat would say.” Dakota smirks.

“That should be my burger.” Garrett states, narrowing his eyes at Dakota, who just offers a sweetly smug smile and takes another bite. “I’ve been up all night for the past three weeks with the baby; don’t
I deserve some reward?” He whines, running a hand through his long, messy hair.

Yes, yet another 8123 baby; the fourth born out of ‘wedlock’ after the boys and Moose’s son James. Garrett and Falyn recently had a little girl, who they named Leia, after yes- Princess Leia; big surprise there. She’s gorgeous, though, so obviously she gets none of her looks from her father. It’s funny, watching Garrett stress over becoming a first-time father, like we have no idea what he’s going through; he claims we’re all too old and far into being parents that we’ve forgotten what it’s like to change diapers and get up at the ass crack of dawn for a crying infant.
I can assure you, none of us can forget what that was like.

“Snooze and suck it, Nickelson.”

I couldn’t be prouder of my girl.

“So did you hear about Leah and Eric?” Dakota murmurs in my ear once we’ve drifted from the group, much like Pat and Layla had. It’s not hard to get lost in her world.

I raise an eyebrow. “It’s supposed to be a secret- how did you find out?”

“Leah told me,” Dakota chuckles, “she was too excited to keep it to herself- you know how girls are, it’s spreading like wildfire.”

“He’s stoked about it.” I laugh, looking over at my best friend and his little family. It’s good seeing him like this; it’s good seeing all of them like this.

“Dad! Phoenix is annoying me!” Mesa whines as he comes running over to me, his younger brother lagging behind him.

“No I’m not you’re being annoying!” Phoenix whines, shoving his brother.

“Hey guys come on, don’t be like this,” I sigh, ruffling their hair. “What have I said about running around
places like this? You could knock someone over- you’re not the little monsters you used to be, y’know.”

“He keeps following me everywhere.” Mesa scoffs, sending the evils towards his brother.

“I’m not! Daisy keeps chasing me and I can’t get rid of her!” Phoenix insists.

“Aw, she’s like your little sister, she just wants to be around you guys.” Dakota chuckles, “You should be flattered by that.”

“But all the little kids want to be around us.” Phoenix huffs. “Like James and Natasha.”

“Oh come on, they’re like your cousins, you’re supposed to love them, bud.” I laugh, catching on to the idea that maybe they’re a lot more tired from the hike this morning than I thought.

“I like Mia, but that’s it.” Mesa huffs.

“Yeah, you love her.” Phoenix smirks. “Mesa loves Mia!”

“See?! I told you he was being annoying!” Mesa scoffs, shoving his brother. I pull him away before he has the chance to inflict any physical pain on Phoenix.

“Phoenix, stop annoying your brother,” I sigh. “Can’t you two just get along?”

“No.”

“No.”

Dakota can’t help but laugh as she puts an arm around Phoenix. “How about we go get some cake, huh kiddo? Give your brother a bit of space.”

“Okay!” Phoenix beams, before he disappears with Dakota.

I look down and cross my arms over my chest. “You boys should be nicer to the other kids. When you were little, all your uncles and aunts did a lot for you- they still do. I think they’d really like to see you getting on with them.” I point out, placing a hand on Mesa’s shoulder. I take a sip of my beer and look out to see all of our good friends interacting with the little humans of 8123. It really is crazy to see how far we’ve all come.

“I know…it’s just weird because they’re all little kids. Mia is the only one we can talk to because she’s seven.” Mesa points out.

“Do you…y’know…like Mia?” I ask lightly, out of the curiosity that circulates my mind.

Mesa shakes his head straight away. “No dad!”

“Alright, alright,” I chuckle, raising my hands in defence. “It’s alright if you do, I’m just saying. I think she likes you.” I tease, giving him a nudge.

Mesa blushes and looks away. “Shut up, dad. I’ll tell Dakota you sing Uncle Nick’s song in the shower when she’s away- and that it’s your ringtone!”

“Shut it, kid-“

“Oh I am flattered, O’Callaghan.” A smirk comes from behind me.

We turn around to face none other than Santino himself. I roll my eyes as I greet him with a hug.

“Shut up, he’s lying.” I mumble.

“Oh bullshit, I’ve heard your ringtone for her.” Nick laughs before high-fiving my son. “You’re so fucking whipped.”

“Do you mind? He’s only ten.” I hiss, looking down at Mesa who looks at Nick with a bewildered expression. It’s no secret that Mesa and Phoenix think he’s the coolest Uncle ever, with his tattoos and rings and bandanas. He basically a gypsy but they don’t see it like that; they think he’s awesome because three years ago he lived in a trailer in the desert for six months. Ever since then he’s had story after story because he swears it’s ‘changed him’ in some way. I think he’s still the old Nick we’ve known since high school that went vegan after watching that stupid Al Gore documentary (I don’t even think he really got the idea of it).

“Sorry kid,” Nick nods, downing his beer before looking across the party. “S-h-i-t, man. Look at all of these people. Remember when it was like, an eighth of this?” He laughs, shaking his head. “We’re set for life.”

“We are,” I nod, still surprised at how successful we’ve gotten over the last ten years. I put an arm around Mesa’s shoulders as I spot Dakota, dancing to whatever song was on the radio with Phoenix. A few of the other girls were dancing but seeing her in her white dress and cowboy boots looking the happiest I’ve seen her in a long time…and with my kid…it makes me really appreciative of what I have and what we’ve all accomplished.

Nick slaps me on the back as he shakes his empty beer can. “We’ve done good, O’Callaghan. Remember that.” He nods before heading off to find more beer, most likely.

I kneel down beside Mesa and take it all in from his level- it’s not that hard because him and Phe are quite tall for their age, but it’s interesting nonetheless. “Look at all of these people, Mes, this is your family.”

Mesa puts his arm around my neck and leans into me. “I like my family, dad.”

“I’m glad kid,” I say as I kiss his forehead. ‘I’m glad.”

I’m so grateful.