Parts of Me

“So, how are we feeling about today?”

“Meh.”

“Well that’s nice to know,” I chuckle as I sit down at the kitchen bench with my coffee. “C’mon Mes, it’s only high school.”

“C’mon dad, it’s only grey hair.” Mesa retorts, causing me to grimace. “Exactly how we’re feeling.”

“Aw,” Dakota laughs, caressing my shoulder. “These are not bad things!”

We both look at Dakota who tries to keep up the charade.

“Grey hairs are the beginning of the end.” I scoff in distaste at the mention of my latest discovery. I’m not looking forward to the next few decades into my later years when you can actually tell that I’m old.

“High school is hell.” Mesa states bluntly. “Where there are teachers.”

“Okay, so it’s not Disneyland, but it’s not hell.” Dakota tries to insist, before turning to me. “And the grey is nothing, John. You look good for your age.”

“Yeah dad, you’re a real silver fox.” Mesa smirks.

“Hey, shut it.” I snap across the bench. “You have school, like that’s any better.”

“John.” Dakota scolds, sending me a look. For thirty-seven she looks hot; I really lucked out with this one.

I roll my eyes but nod all the same. “Alright, alright. Let’s get a move on or you’re going to be late- you’re already making me late,” I muse as I finish my coffee and place the mug in my sink. “Wait, where’s your brother?” I ask as I realise Phoenix has yet to make an appearance downstairs; I swear his brother has a big enough personality for the both of them- or he just has a huge mouth.

“I don’t know,” Mesa shrugs, “probably crying in the shower like a wimp.”

“Mesa,” Dakota frowns, “that’s not nice.”

“He’s probably just nervous,” I mumble, “I’m going to go grab him; Mes, make sure you look out for him today, okay? I know you’re fourteen, but you still need to take care of your younger brother, alright?”

“Yes dad, I’ve been doing it since we were three.” Mesa sighs, rolling his eyes at his breakfast that he’d hardly touched; his way of showing his nerves, I assume.

“I mean it Mesa, you’re a little stronger; he’s your little bro, watch out for the kid.” I tell him firmly before jogging up the stairs.

I make my way down the hall to find Phoenix sitting on his bed with his drumsticks in hand, tapping them on his thighs and giving me major déjà vu as I take a seat beside him. “Hey kid, you alright?”

“Yeah, fine,” he nods with a small mumble, clearly indicating that he is not, in fact fine. “I’m good.”

“Your rhythm is out of wack, Phe. I know you’re not fine,” I chuckle, “and it’s totally normal to be nervous.”

“It’s just…” he begins, but trails off as he starts spinning the sticks in his hands. He’s getting really good at that; the lessons with Pat are really starting to pay off and I’m so proud of him. He worked hard at the music program at their high school, so much so that he earned a scholarship for his talent.

“Let me guess,” I say as I take a deep breath. “You’re nervous about starting high school without your best friend.”

He looks at me and nods. “Jaxon should have gotten in too! He’s just as talented as I am! In fact, he’s more talented than I am!”

“Phoenix, you shouldn’t feel bad because you got in and he didn’t,” I sigh, “you worked so hard for that scholarship and he’s happy for you. You’re both as talented as each other.”

“It still sucks,” He mumbles, looking down at his still sticks. “I…I don’t wanna go, dad.”

“I know kid, I never wanted to either, but it’s not so bad.” I say, trying to persuade him. “If it makes you feel any better, I’ve got meetings all day with the guys.”

“That’s not bad though- you’re in a band, that’s so cool.” Phoenix shoots back.

“We’re meeting to talk about financial shit, merch and preorders. It’s not as cool as it sounds.” I chuckle, patting him on the back. “Y’know, when I was in my twenties, and I’d freak out about the smallest things, you know what helped me?”

“What’s that?” He asks, looking up curiously. I can sense he’s starting to calm down about school. It’s only natural, I guess. I was the exact same way on my first day.

“Talking to your mom.”

Phoenix’s eyes widen.

“I’m not saying you have to talk to call her, but she’ll always be there for you if you need her, okay?” I
tell him softly. “She’s a good woman, she’s a loving, kind, woman.”

“Oh yeah, I bet.” Phoenix scoffs, rolling his eyes.

“Y’know if you give her a chance, kid, you could have so much more.” I sigh, my eyes taking him in. I really wish Em got to be here for these moments after missing out on so many already.

“I’m fine with what I have.” Phoenix mumbles as he stands from his bed. “We’re going to be late, dad. That’s not exactly a good start.”

“You’re right,” I chuckle, standing up beside him. I put a hand on his shoulder. “It’s going to be fine, Phoenix. I wouldn’t make you go if I didn’t think you could handle it, okay? I know you, and I’ll do anything I can to protect you. High school is going to help you.”

Phoenix takes a deep breath and nods, like it’s that easy for him. “Okay. It’ll be fine.”

“Good man.” I nod, and we head downstairs where Dakota and Mesa are waiting.

“You’ll have to be quick with breakfast, hun. You boys have only got a half hour.” Dakota tells him as she puts a plate down in front of him at the kitchen bench.

“Thanks,” Phoenix nods with a small smile.

“How are you feeling about today?” She asks as she takes a sip of her coffee. She’s such a mom; it’s adorable.

“I’m ready.” He looks up confidently as he eats his breakfast.

“It’s gonna be fine.” Mesa assures him, slapping him on the back. “It’ll be over before you know it and then I can kick your butt on Walking Dead-“

“Hey, not if you have homework.” Dakota hums, sending them both a look.

They both pull a face and look to me for help; I can’t help but laugh. “You heard the woman.” I say with a smirk. “Not if you have homework.”

“Ugh, I hate high school already.”

On the way to 8123, my phone rings in the console of my truck. Leaning over the seat, I grab my phone and put it on speaker so I can answer while driving without getting pulled over.

“Hello?”

“Hey John, it’s Emily.”

A smile spreads across my lips. “Em, hey.”

“I wanted to know how the boys went today. First day of school, right?” She asks.

I nod. “Indeed- first day of high school, can you believe it?”

“Jesus, it’s gone so fast.” She chuckles. “How were they?”

“Phoenix was more nervous than Mesa, but they have each other so that makes it a little easier for him. Mesa sent me a message after their first class and said Phe was fine.” I explain.

“Oh they have phones now?”

“Yeah, it’s just for emergencies and to talk to their friends. They don’t spend a lot of time on them though- well, Phoenix doesn’t.”

“And you’re sure Phoenix is okay? Mesa’s not just saying that?” Emily pushes, the concern in her voice noticeable.

“Yeah,” I chuckle, “they’re both fine, Em.” I assure her as I pull in to the parking lot.

“Okay I just…worry, y’know?” She sighs.

“I know sweet’art,” I say softly, “They’re getting a little older now, they’ll be making more mature decisions. I think they’ll want to meet you soon.”

“I hope, they’ve become a huge absence in my life and it hurts, John.”

I get out of my truck and put my phone to my ear. “You’re…you’re okay, right? Mentally?” I ask her quietly.

“I’m doing okay,” She muses, “James and I are going to New York for a week, to celebrate our one year anniversary. I’ve been so stressed over work; I really need this break.”

“That’s great darlin’, maybe the distraction will be good for you.” I suggest, the pet name rolling off of my tongue without a second thought. “Look, I’ll work on the boys but try not to think about that too much. Look at the positive side of it- you’re closer to them than you have been before. That and they’re healthy and happy. It’s what matters most, right?”

She takes a deep breath. “You’re right. I’m being selfish again-“

“You’re not, you’re being a mom.” I insist as I head towards the front door of 8123. I make my way inside and go straight for the kitchen as I hear the guys in the other room. “It’s totally normal. It’s a weird situation to be in.”

“It’s my fault though, I get that. I just wish they weren’t as stubborn as me.” She chuckles.

“You’d be surprised how similar the three of you are.” I muse as I lean against the kitchen bench. Jared comes in and I give him a wave. “Anyway, I should get going darlin’, I’ve got a meeting.”

“Alright, I won’t keep you. If…if they want to hear it…tell the boys I hope they had a good day, okay?”

A sad smile graces my lips. “I will. I’ll talk to them, okay? Don’t stress over it.”

“I’ll try. Bye John.”

“Bye Em, take care.” I say before we hang up. “Hey man, what’s up?”

“Not much, how about you, darlin’?” Jared muses, raising an eyebrow at me.

I roll my eyes. “Oh shut up.”

“No I think it’s good you’re…close with your ex?” He tries, giving me a look. “Pet names? Really?”

“I’m verbally affectionate with women?” I frown, “I don’t know man, it doesn’t filter.”

“Is Dakota alright with that?” Jared asks curiously.

I shrug. “She doesn’t hear it, I don’t think she’d care.”

“Hey speaking of Dakota,” Garrett interrupts as he walks into the kitchen to get a Red Bull from the fridge, “When are you planning on marrying her, old man?”

Jared lets out a laugh. “Oh you think he’s actually going to get the balls to ask her?”

“I’m right here!” I claim, punching Garrett in the shoulder. Did they have no sensitivity? First I’m flirting with my ex and now I’m scared of commitment? Thanks, guys. Thirty years means fuck all apparently.

“Oh come on!” Garrett laughs, “It’s been like, seven years. Don’t you think it’s about time you asked her?”

“Of course I do,” I mumble as I grab a beer from the fridge. “I just…I don’t know where the best place is to buy a ring.”

“Oh bullshit, O’Callaghan, your game is weak.” Garrett scoffs as he leaves the room.

I look at Jared. “When did he become such a smartass?”

“About the same time he rediscovered sex, I think.”

I roll my eyes and pocket my phone before turning to make a coffee. “The boys went to high school today; Em wanted to know how it went.”

“Oh man,” Jared nods, “High school already?”

“Yeah,” I chuckle, rubbing my jaw. “Fourteen. Shit.”

“How are you holding up?” He asks, taking a sip of his coffee.

“It’s definitely not any easier than the first day of kindergarten.” I scoff, “That’s for sure.”

“They’re really getting on,” Jared chuckles, shaking his head. “It feels like just yesterday you were bringing them out on tour and we were all dadding together.”

I let out a laugh at the term we used to use. I guess we’re all ‘dadding’ now. “I miss the days when they were single digit kids. Life was so much easier.”

“I bet,” Jared nods, “but you’re doing well man, you don’t need me to tell you that.”

“Thanks dude, it helps,” I chuckle as I mix my coffee. “I can’t even begin to explain how much easier it’s been with D by my side.” I sigh, wanting nothing more than to crawl back into bed with her.

“It’s funny how things turn out, huh? Who would have thought that it would have happened like this?”

“Ain’t that the truth,” I muse.

“So,” Jared begins, and I know what he’s going to ask next. “How come you haven’t proposed to Dakota yet?”

I groan, running my hand over my face. Were they really not going to give up on this? “Why is everybody so hung up on this?”

“Because it’s been like eight years since you started dating! I don’t know, man. I know if it was Tessa and I, she’d have asked me by now.” He chuckles. “I don’t know how Dakota is so patient.”

“She hasn’t mentioned it,” I mumble with a shrug. “She says stuff about wanting to spend the rest of her life with me, but I figured that’s regardless of us getting married.”

“Do you not have the urge to marry her?” Jared asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Of course I do, man,” I sigh, lifting my mug to my lips. “I just…I don’t know, there’s a part of me that thinks asking Dakota to marry me is only going to allow her full access to hurt me like Em did.”

He sighs, shaking his head. “You can’t still be holding onto that, man.”

“It’s not that easy to let go of.” I mutter, looking down at my coffee. “Emily was the first girl, y’know? My first proper love, and she tore that away from me. I know it’s been almost fifteen years but who’s to say Dakota won’t-“

“If you even finish that sentence I’m going to slap you around.” Jared snaps, setting his coffee down. “You need to have some fucking confidence, man! Dakota loves you and has loved you passionately and loyally for the past, however many years and it’s about time you showed her the commitment she deserves! She’ll only be so patient for so many years, John. You need to step up or let her go. She deserves better than this and I know that sounds harsh but I’m your best friend and I’ve always promised you I’d tell you the truth…so there it is.”

I stand there, stunned by his honesty. I should have known this talk was coming, but my mind has been so busy hung up on other things I hardly stopped to realise that maybe Dakota wanted more than what I was giving her. It’s not like I haven’t been noticing her irritation at the mention of Emily’s name every now and than and I’m beginning to understand that maybe there’s more to it than I originally thought.
“Maybe I’m…okay maybe I’m sort of…”

“Scared about proposing?” Jared asks sensitively.

I nod, rubbing my jaw. “I know I’m being pathetic-“

“No dude, I get it. I was the same. But it’s bigger than just asking a question. Dakota is committed to you and she loves you. That’s the most important part. Once you have that, you know the marriage thing is going to be just fine.”

“It’s fun, right?” I ask him, wincing.

Jared lets out a laugh, lifting his coffee to his lips as we head out of the kitchen. “Oh it’s great, man.”

***

I tap my hands against my knees nervously, waiting for the boys to emerge. I promised them I wouldn’t leave the truck, and that I’d wait patiently for them to find me in the school parking lot. At first I was a little offended, but quickly reminded myself of my own first day, and how I didn’t want my parents to pick me up either as it was considered lame. I did the boys a favour and parked at the far end of the parking lot, so they wouldn’t be seen climbing into their old mans’ truck. Apparently having a dad in a band is no longer a novelty. A lot of kids’ had parents that had cool jobs, some which make more money than me or have flasher cars.

I tell myself that the boys are proud of me regardless of all of that.

Eventually, they come into view and a sigh of relief escapes me. I didn’t realise how worried I’d been about them starting high school and I’m so glad I gave them cell phones beforehand.
Phoenix climbs into the front seat while Mesa takes the back and I pull out of the parking lot.

“So?” I push, once they’re in. “How’d it go?”

“We’re still alive, aren’t we?” Mesa mumbles.

I send them a look. “Come on guys, tell me how it went! I want to know how your first day of high school went!”

“Dad it’s really not a big deal,” Phoenix insists, “We had classes-“

“None of which are together.” Mesa pipes up.

“Really?” I frown, somewhat surprised by this. “They didn’t give you any classes together?”

“No,” Phoenix confirms, shaking his head. “They said it would be good for us to learn how to be apart.”

“Are you fucking kidding?” I scoff, looking at Mesa in the rear view. “Do you boys want to be in the same class? Because I can talk to your principal and make it happen. Don’t they know Phe has anxiety? For fucks’ sake-“

“Dad it’s fine, really.” Phoenix insists softly.

“No it’s not-“

“We’re okay having classes apart,” Mesa nods in agreement with his brother. “I’m fine either way and I made sure Phoenix was okay before I left him. We’re good, dad. We’re fourteen. We can handle being apart from each other.”

“Yeah, it wasn’t so bad, actually.” Phoenix hums. “I like being with different people. We see each other at home all the time so the space and separate friends is good.”

I bite my lip, somewhat not convinced. “Are you sure? Because I can make it happen if it’ll make you more comfortable.”

“We’re sure dad,” Mesa chuckles, “Quit freaking out.”

“I can’t help it,” I mumble. “Okay, what else? Mes, you try out for baseball?”

There’s a silence in the backseat and I can’t help but be a little disheartened. We’d been practising on his throw and swing all summer in hopes for him to join his high school league. Well, I was a little more keen on it, Mesa didn’t seem too bothered. He was really in to music either, at least not like his brother. Come to think of it, he didn’t really have a huge interest or passion. But I guess he’ll really find himself once he meets the right people in high school. At least, I hope he does.

“I don’t think I’m going to. It’s not really my thing, dad.”

I nod, trying not to show my disappointment. “That’s cool. There are plenty of other sports and groups you can look at. Keep looking, kid.”

He nods, sending me a reassuring smile before looking back down to his phone.

I take that he’s out of the conversation and look at my youngest. “So? What about you, kid? How was it without Jax?”

Phoenix nods, giving me a shrug. “It was okay. He hates his new school, though. I made a couple friends in music, we’re gonna hang out and jam after school next week.”

“That’s great bud,” I nod, a familiar excitement building in my chest. “It’s going to be the best decision you’ll ever make.”

“I hope so.” Phoenix chuckles.

“So you went okay with today?” I ask him quietly. “You’ll be okay with high school?”

He nods, giving me a reassuring smile. “Just first day nerves. I’ll be fine, dad. It’s just school.”

“Let me know if you need me at any time.” I mumble. “That goes for the both of you.”

“Got it.” Mesa nods, before looking out the window. “It’s not so bad, though. I mean, you survived, we’ll be fine.”

I let out a laugh. “You better do better than I did boys, or I’ll get grandpa on your case, you understand?”

Hearing their recount on their first day of high school had me a little more comfortable with sending them off. I did a good job at distracting myself through out the day because I know I would have been a wreck if I kept them at the forefront of my mind.

The guys did a good job at keeping my mind off of the boys and more so on the idea of proposing to Dakota. The idea itself excites me, but who’s to say I’m worthy enough to be her husband? I guess if she’s stuck with me this long, it has to mean something, right? I know that what Jared said earlier was true. I need more confidence but when it comes to the intimacies of our relationship, I can’t help but feel like I don’t have what it takes to be a husband after what went down with my last relationship. I mean, I’m past it, but she didn’t even try and get back together with me. It’s not that I want to, because I love Dakota, but it kinds of stings that the thought never even crossed her mind.

I know I’m being ridiculous over this, but the thought of marrying Dakota has me all sorts of nervous. Of course I want this, but can I live up to my expectations? Aside from the band and my kids, Dakota is the biggest part of my life- I’ve been in love with the girl for years and it’s probably about time I show her how much she means to me.

“Dad you just drove past the house!” Phoenix laughs, tapping me on the shoulder.

“Oh shit, sorry.” I mutter, pulling an illegal u-turn before driving into our driveway. “My head’s all over the place.”

“I don’t know why, we’re the ones that had to go to school.” Mesa mumbles.

I let out a laugh. “So in all, you had a good day?”

“We did,” Phoenix nods with a smile. “Thanks, dad.”

“As long as you two are happy, that’s all that matters.”

“Y’know,” Mesa pipes up, leaning in between Phoenix and I. “You should be happy too. That matters to us. And Dakota, I think you know what would make her happy, dad.”

I look up and out to where Dakota stands on the front porch, smiling and waiting for us to come inside so the boys can tell her about their day. She’s so beautiful and loving; in a lot of ways she’s like my mom, and my old man always told me that if I found a woman that was even a quarter like ma, I should marry her.

Maybe he’s right.