Parts of Me

It’s been a week since the boys have started school. It’s also been a week since I officially decided in my head that I was going to propose to Dakota. I wanted it more than anything. I told Eric about it and he volunteered to go ring shopping, saying he needed to get a gift for Leah considering it was Mother’s Day today.

Ah, Mother’s Day. Every year for the past fourteen years, I’ve been taking the boys to see ma, because she’s the one that’s been the strongest mother figure in their lives (sometimes we pay Ash and Tim a visit to give Ashley flowers) and it only made sense to go see her.
This year I’ll be taking them to my parents and I’ll let them spend the day with them before I meet up with Eric and find a ring for Dakota. After that, I’m meeting up with Emily for coffee. We’ve never done that on Mother’s Day, we hardly see each other as it is, restricting our contact to phone calls a couple times a month. But, I figured I should probably tell her face to face that I’m proposing to Dakota.
Speaking of Dakota, I feel her lips on my neck, pulling me from my clouded mind. I roll over onto my back and pull her on top of me and she instantly attacks me with her soft lips before I even get the chance to open my eyes.

It’s not until I go for her t-shirt that I hear her sniff.

My eyes shoot open and I pull away at the sight of tears rolling down her cheeks. She’s wiping them away so I wouldn’t notice but it’s too late for that- what have I done so early in the morning to get her this upset?

“Darlin’?” I whisper, sitting up with her. “What’s the matter?”

“Nothing,” she insists, shaking her head. She tries to laugh through the tears but ends up using her t-shirt to wipe them away. “I’m fine.”

“You’re crying first thing in the morning- you’re not fine, bub.” I sigh, wrapping my arms around her. “Talk to me?”

She looks at me with a blank expression. It’s like something sets in behind her eyes and then another tear rolls down her cheek. “Shit, I’m just not feeling myself this morning. I don’t know what’s going on.” She chuckles, shaking her head.

I look at her with sad eyes. “Baby…”

“No it’s fine,” she insists, waving it off. “It’s probably just stress from work.”

I don’t believe her but I don’t want to force it out of her and make it worse. I kiss the top of her head softly and she wraps her arms around me tightly. “You talk to me about anything, whenever you need to, okay?” I murmur.

“I will,” she sighs, “don’t worry about it. I just…I don’t know, I needed to feel close.”

“We are close, darlin’,” I whisper into her hair. “Don’t you worry your pretty little head about it, you got me?”

She nods slowly, looking up at me. “I love you, John. I really do.”

“Well good, because I love you too.” I chuckle, kissing her one last time before climbing out of bed. “I have to get the boys up to see ma, they’re spending the day with her for Mother’s Day.” I explain as I pull some clean clothes on. I make sure to put on my best shirt for ma, because I want to look good for when I tell her the good news.

“She must love Mother’s Day with the boys,” Dakota hums, looking at me from the bed. She hugs her knees and rests her chin on top of them.

“She really does,” I chuckle. “You know how she is.”

“Happy Mother’s day to you too, babe,” Dakota smiles softly, “You’ve been both a mom and a dad to them at times.”

I walk back over to the bed with a smile on my face and a warm feeling surrounding my heart. “Thanks, darlin’. But we both know that’s not true.”

She bites her lip to hide a smile. “Yes it is!”

“I think my mom has played a pretty big role in their life too.” I chuckle, kissing her cheek. “Speaking of, I really need to get the boys up and out of here. What are you doing today?”

“I uh, not much.” She nods quietly, her mood suddenly shifting. Maybe it’s that time of the month and that’s why she’s emotional. “We could get lunch later?”

“Can’t bub, I’m seeing ma, then catching up with Em. Gotta discuss a few things.” I tell her as I pull on my boots and head into our bathroom to fix my hair. I didn’t want to tell her I was hanging out with Eric because she’d probably think it’d be a weird day to do it. Then she’d start asking questions and I can’t exactly tell her I’m going ring shopping to buy her an engagement ring. I need to be as suss as possible.

“What, on Mother’s Day?” Dakota frowns, now standing in the doorway of our bathroom.

I shrug and nod. “It’s the only day she could do,” Okay, that’s not entirely true. Part of me wanted to see her on Mother’s Day to see how she’s holding up without the boys. I know she said she’d be patient with them, but I can see the absence is starting to take its toll on her. “Plus, after that I’ll pick the boys up and we’ll be home before dinner.”

She nods with a small smile. “Okay.”

“You alright darlin’?” I ask, raising an eyebrow at her. She’s been kind of cold all morning and I’m starting to think it’s me that she has a problem with.

I receive another nod and no explanation. It kind of ticks me off but I try not to let it show. We’re not teenagers, she should be able to talk to me and be honest with me at least.

“Alright, well I need to go,” I tell her softly. I’m not going to pry because I’ve never been like that. If she wants to tell me, she’ll tell me. It’s as simple as that. “I’ll see you later babe.”

“See you later.” She nods quietly, not even looking up for a kiss.

I let out a frustrated sigh before leaving the room to wake up the boys. If she wanted to be difficult, I could be difficult right back.

“Happy Mother’s Day!”

Ma beams as the boys and I enter the house with three bouquets of flowers. It’s kind of overboard but this is the woman that raised me and my kids and I like treating her. She’s the greatest woman I’ve ever had the privilege of looking up to and I’ll take that gratitude to the grave.

“Oh come in sweets! Thank you my darlings!” She smiles, greeting the boys in hugs before getting to me. “No Dakota?” She asks with a frown.

Dakota? It’s always been just the three of us visiting on Mother’s day, why would she ask for Dakota?

“Just us,” I smile, trying to hide the confusion. “How’s your morning been, ma?”

“Oh it’s been wonderful,” she chuckles as we walk into the kitchen. “Your father and I went for a walk along the beach with the dogs and grabbed some coffee. It was lovely, dear.”

“That’s good, Ma. Where is the old man?” I ask, noticing he hadn’t come out yet.

“Who’re you calling old?” Dad chuckles as he enters the room. My parents were young when they had me so they’re only older than me by twenty something years, but they’ve definitely aged since I had the boys and I hated seeing the little things that gave it away. Such as the cane my dad now needed for his arthritis in his leg.

“Hi pop,” I chuckle, greeting him in a hug before letting him take my seat at the bench beside the boys. “How are you?”

“Quite well, son. Now I heard that two little boys started high school last week. That wouldn’t happen to be these not-so-little boys, would it?”

“Yeah, gramps,” Mesa laughs. “We’re not so little anymore.”

“Oh isn’t it terrible,” ma gushes, shaking her head. “You two need to stop growing up so quickly.”

“I know, it sucks.” I chuckle. “Boys, tell grandma and grandpa about your first weeks at high school.”
The boys blow into a full on conversation about how much they’re enjoying their new school and I make coffee for everyone, tea for Mesa. For some reason I can’t get my mind off of D and it’s not because I’m buying her a ring this afternoon. The way she was acting this morning was so unlike her, she was almost distant, and it worried me because she’s never been like that before. She’s always had a smile on her face and been the positive reinforcement I’ve needed in my life to keep my going. I know I haven’t been distant with her, so I don’t know what it is that’s causing this. We’re more than intimate most nights so it can’t be that. I’ve never really understood the way women work but I guess I have the rest of my life to figure that out.

Eventually I manage to get ma alone, once the boys and my dad have retreated to the backyard for a light game of catch. Ma and I watch from the kitchen, standing in a comfortable silence until she breaks it.

“So, there’s something you’re just itching to tell me, isn’t there?” She hums, looking over at me with a raised eyebrow. “It’s about Dakota, isn’t it?”

My eyes widen. Was it that obvious? “H-How did you know?”

“I’m a mother darling, I know you better than you think.”

“Okay, well it is about Dakota, I’m going to-“

“Oh John if you’re planning on breaking up with the girl you can send yourself packing-“

“Ma I’m going to marry her, not break up with her!” I rush out, cutting her off before she goes into a rant about how much of a failure I am.

She stops, the frown turning into a smile. I groan as the tears fill her eyes, knowing the emotions that will soon follow. “Oh darling, I’m so happy for you! Why isn’t she here?! We should be celebrating together!” She beams as she pulls me in for a hug.

“I-I mean, I haven’t asked her yet, but I’m planning on it.” I correct, “I’m going ring shopping with Halvo in an hour or so- I want to take her out somewhere nice and ask her, y’know? Make it special.”

Ma nods with tears in her eyes, a wide smile on her lips. “Oh sweets, I’m so happy for you. It’s about time you did something like this for the two of you.”

I nod in agreement. “I know. I’ve kept her waiting for so long just to make the boys happy, but they’ve let me know a number of times that they’d be fine with me doing something like this.”

She looks out through the window. “They’re quite mature for their age. Something they get from their mother, surprisingly enough.” She hums.

“I’m going to meet up with Em later on after Eric, so I can tell her in person.” Iadd quickly.

My mother looks at me with wide eyes. “You’re spending Mother’s Day with Emily?”

I shoot her a look. “This has nothing to do with Mother’s day, ma. And so what if it did? She’s their mother.”

“I think you and I both know that there’s somebody else a little more deserving of that title, dear.”

I was planning on getting their godmother some flowers- it’s like ma doesn’t know me at all. “Anyway, I plan on asking her soon. Maybe I’ll make dinner plans for Friday- will you guys be able to watch the boys?”

“Fourteen years old and you still need a babysitter?” Ma hums, sending me a look.

Okay so I haven’t left them alone by themselves yet. I know they’re in high school now, but I’m overprotective of these two and I have a right to be. They may be fourteen and pubescent, but they’re still my babies. They’ll always be the whiny little toddlers constantly napping and loading up on milk. They’ll always be my little diaper-wearing babies, sucking on my skin with their gummy little mouths. I really do miss those days and having these feelings only makes me think more and more about…well, babies.

Oh god, I’m in the worst of it for sure.

“There’s the groom!”

I roll my eyes and shoot daggers towards my best friend as I meet him outside the front of the jewellers. “Would you shut up? I haven’t even asked yet!”

“It’s about god damn time, my friend.” Eric chuckles, greeting me in a hug. “Long time no see.”

“You’re the one that decided to take a family vacation.” I point out, shoving my hands into my front pockets. No longer in the awkward phase with Leah, Eric and his family were happier than ever. He’d surprised them with a trip to Hawaii, for his and Leah’s wedding anniversary and Daisy’s birthday. I’m happy to see my best friend happy again with his wife and kids and it feels good to have the same vibe back from him, after telling him that I was finally going to propose to Dakota.

“Best week I’ve had in a long time, man,” Eric sighs happily. “Y’know, I’m thinking of talking Santino into a reunion show in Hawaii, I could totally dig those old tunes out one last time for a trip to summer paradise.”

“I’m sure he’d be down for it.” I chuckle, slapping him on the back as we head inside. “So, a trip and expensive gift for the Mrs, huh? What are you making up for?” I tease as we’re greeted by the sales assistant and left to browse.

“Well, y’know it’s sort of like an early push-present.” Eric hums as he glances at a case of rings beside me.

“You mean belated? Dude did you never get her a present for Luka?” I ask him with wide eyes. I mean, even I got Em a ‘push-present’ for giving birth to the boys and she didn’t even stick around. I wonder if she’s still got the necklace. It’s a simple gold chain, with a heart-shaped pendant hanging from it.

Eric shakes his head, looking me in the eyes. “Early. Baby number three.”

“Oh my god.”

A wide grin spreads across his face. I think this guy was just meant to have large amounts of babies with the way he’s firing his canon. “I’m gonna be fucking old by the time this kid is ten, but who cares if it means another kid, right?”

I embrace him in a congratulatory hug even though I can hardly believe it. Another kid? At forty-one? I hope he’s not going to end up putting ideas into Dakota’s head.

“Shit man, congratulations. That’s incredible.” I chuckle, still shocked. “How did Leah react?”

“We’re really happy, man. Like for real. Of course it’s not ideal at this age but we could care less about that. Another baby means more kids in the house and what’s not to love about that, huh? I think I was meant to have a big family.” He explains.

“I’m with you on that one.” I scoff, shaking my head. “I can’t even- that’s awesome, Eric. I’m happy things are going well for you guys.”

“Thanks bro. I could say the same for you and D.” He chuckles, patting me on the back as we return to the cases in front of us.

“She has to say yes first.” I point out. “Fuck man, none of these rings are jumping out at me. It’s just not her.” I stress, beginning to panic that I’ll never find a ring and that will be the reason I can’t ask her to marry me. What if she hates the ring I get her? She’d never tell me because she loves me and she could spend the rest of her days hating the jewel I pick out for her. I don’t want that-I can’t have that.

Eric turns to me. “Don’t think about this so much, man! You know this girl inside out, you know who she is and you know what she’s into. Just take it easy.”

I take a deep breath and nod, knowing he’s right. The realisation that I’m actually asking this girl to marry me is finally setting in. I could be engaged by the end of the week for all I know. Unless she says no. What if she rejects me? What if this morning is her beginning to show her true colours- what if she’s sleeping with someone else and-

“John!”

I snap back to reality, shaking my head. “I can’t do this. I can’t do it.” I mumble, before pushing past Eric and out of the store completely. In a panic, I make it back to my truck and fumble around with my keys to unlock the door. Why is getting hotter in here? I mean out here- I mean- fuck it’s really hot for this time of year and-

A sharp pain pierces through my face as my best friends’ hand collides with my left cheek. I almost stumble backwards into my truck, had I not been holding onto it for stability.

I drop my keys and stare at him, breathing heavy. I don’t ask what that was for- I know well enough what that was for.

“Thanks,” I cough, running a hand through my hair.

“No problem.” He nods. “I was the same way the first time Leah slept in the spare bedroom.”

“You felt this sick?” I questioned.

Eric shrugs. “I thought my marriage was falling apart.”

“I think mine’s falling apart before it even begins.” I confess pathetically.

“Then that means you’re in the right mindset,” Eric chuckles, shaking his head and pulling me in for a quick hug. “Come on, let’s try another ring shop. You’re gonna be just fine, okay? It’s normal to have doubts and worries and nerves about this sort of thing- but at the end of the day, we both know that Dakota loves you and you two found each other for a reason. I mean why else would she have stuck around this long without a ring, huh?”

“You’re right there.” I mumble.

“Of course I am. Now, if you’ll move your ass along, we’ve only got an hour before you have to meet Em. So, let’s go get your girl a ring.”

I nod and follow him down the street once grabbing my keys from the ground and composing myself. He’s right. Dakota and I found each other for a reason. Maybe she might just say yes.

“John, hi, sorry I’m late.”

I look up from my coffee and stand to greet Emily with a hug. She’s twenty minutes late and as she arrives at the table clearly flustered, I can pick up that there’s something wrong. “Don’t worry about it, I only just got here.” I lie as we sit back down.

“Oh, I’m sure that’s why your coffee is half finished.” She scoffs, rolling her eyes.

I look down at my drink and blush; I didn’t even think of that. “Right. Anyway, it doesn’t matter.”
It really doesn’t; I’m too stoked on the ring sitting in my pocket to really care that she’s twenty minutes late. All I can think about is how I’m going to go about asking Dakota to marry me. I’m thinking I’ll take her out for dinner to the outdoor restaurant I took her to on our first date, eight years ago. Damn, I can’t believe it’s really been that long.

She lets out a deep breath and looks up at me. “You okay? You seem…I don’t know, different.”

“Well, I feel-“ I’m about to launch into how I feel like a whole new man, but stop when I realise how red and puffy her eyes are, and how it doesn’t look like she’s brushed her hair. “Em, what’s up?”

She blinks, taken back at my question. “W-what?”

I frown, reaching across the table for her hand. It’s shaking as I place my hand over it. “What’s going on? Something’s not right.”

We may have been apart for almost fifteen years but I know the way this girl works (sort of) enough to know that something is most definitely wrong. Funny how I couldn’t say that about her when she ran out on me and the boys.

Avoiding eye contact, Emily picks up the drink menu, sliding her hand away from mine. I feel awkward for holding her hand; I don’t think Dakota would appreciate that, even though she knows it was only out of comfort.

“Em…”

I watch her eyes fill with tears as they skim the many drinks she’s not really taking in. She always orders the same drink and I know that because I’ve already ordered it for her and it’s sitting in the middle of the table.

“Emily Taylor, tell me what’s going on. Right now.” I demand firmly, using her middle name to let her know how serious I am.

She looks up at me and puts the menu down. “H-he broke up with m-me.”

Oh shit.

“Who? James?”

Emily nods quietly, looking back down at the menu. “He said he wanted to get married but didn’t understand when I told him I wasn’t ready for that. He doesn’t understand the way my mental instability effects those sort of commitments- he figured it wasn’t as big a deal as I let on and-and-“
Before I know it she’s burst into tears, hiding her face in her hands and I can’t help but notice that familiar sting in my heart.

“Em…” I sigh, sliding around the booth to sit beside her. I place an arm around her shoulders rub her back, hoping she’ll calm down. I don’t like seeing girls cry, let alone the mother of my children. It’s sort of like whenever Dakota cries, I feel lost because she’s the strongest person in my life and when she feels weak, I can’t help but feel weak too. I try to do my best to support her every day to keep her strong, hoping she’ll never give up on me or the boys- I can’t imagine doing it without her.

“He sounds like a fucking ass, to be honest with you. He doesn’t understand and you don’t need to be with someone as stupid and immature as that. I mean he was what, seventeen?”

Em chuckles slightly through her tears. “He's thirty seven, John.”

“Yeah well you’re thirty nine, you need somebody who’s forty-one at least. You know they say men mature slower than women.” I point out, trying to take her mind off of it.

“Is that why Dakota went for you? Because you’re older?” She teases, sniffing.

“I’m sure it was,” I chuckle, rubbing her back. “Look, I know it’s a lot to lose someone you love- trust me I know, but like any break up, you can get through this. This guy was not worth your tears, but it’s normal to feel like this. Just don’t blame yourself. Because you’re strong and beautiful and a great, loving woman and you don’t need to explain yourself to a shithead like that.” I take a deep breath once the words fall out and can’t help but feel like we’re in our twenties and back at our local diner. We used to sit like this years and years ago.
But we don’t anymore and there’s a good couple of reasons for that.

I move away, back to my original spot once she’s more stable and not crying her eyes out. “You’re going to be okay, Em.”

She takes a deep breath, taking a napkin from the dispenser on the table to wipe her eyes. “I’m pathetic- crying over some guy at forty years old. You thought I would have learnt by now.” She scoffs.

“Hey, you’re still human at forty years old,” I chuckle, sending her a compassionate look. “I mean, Halvo’s still making babies at forty.”

Emily’s eyes widen. “He is not.”

“His second baby in the past two years,” I nod. “He told me today at the ring shop.”

“No way-wait why were you at a ring shop?” She asks curiously, raising an eyebrow. “He’s already married.”

“Uh, that was actually something I wanted to talk to you about.” I mumble, now feeling like the worst person in history for telling my heartbroken ex I’m proposing to my current girl.

“Oh.”

I don’t know what it is in her eyes that changes, but I notice it right before it disappears. “I’m going to ask Dakota.”

“That’s so great, John.” She smiles, continuing to wipe the tears from under her eyes. “I’m happy for the both of you. I know I look like a disgusting mess, but under all of these heartbroken-James emotions, I’m truly happy for you. The boys deserve a proper family and a loving mom.”

The smile falls from my lips. “Hey, she’s not their mom and the boys know that. Dakota’s not trying to be their mom, Em.”

“She should be,” Emily states weakly. “Really, I think she’s doing a better job than me. I mean, she probably fits right in on the Mother’s Day tradition at your parents’ house, right? You do still do that, don’t you?”

“Haven’t missed a single year,” I mumble quietly, “But I mean…Dakota doesn’t go, it’s just me and the boys. She’s a great motherly figure for them but…she’s not their mom. You are.”

“Am I really?” Emily asks softly, staring me down. “Really John? I haven’t been around for fourteen years and when they have the chance to meet me, they don’t want to. How much of their mom am I?”

I’m torn between what to say to make her feel better and what I think the honest truth is. Dakota’s been great to fill that motherly void I’m sure the boys have felt their whole lives, but did they really see her as ‘mom’? Have I been stupid and oblivious not to ask her to come with us on Mother’s Day? I figured that’d be too much for her and she’d feel obliged to- I didn’t want to give her a label that she didn’t want-

“My-your little boys are all grown up.”

Oh fuck.

“Em, they’re still growing up. They’re only fourteen- you have plenty of time to get to know them.
Honestly, I think Mesa is starting to come around to it. Just give them time, okay? I meant what I said about you being strong and loving- I know you’ve made mistakes in the past but once they’re old enough to look past them, they’ll find their way back to you. Nobody could ever replace you.”

She doesn’t look one hundred percent convinced, but I know her mental state is a little better than what it was minutes ago.

“I’m sorry,” she sniffs, wiping her nose with the napkin. “I’m ruining your announcement. I guess I just always pictured us doing this, y’know? It’s hard to grip but I accept it and I respect you and Dakota, John. I really do and I don’t want either of you to feel uncomfortable around me for moving on. I think it’s really genuine of you and how you’ve gone about everything.”

I wasn’t looking for her approval, but knowing that I have it makes me feel a whole lot better than I thought it would.

“I appreciate that, Em,” I sigh, rubbing her arm. “I really do. I know this is weird- trust me it’s weird for me too, but I appreciate that way you’re taking this.”

She gives a small shrug, a shy smile following. “Dakota has been nothing but warm towards me, even when I know I don’t deserve it. She’s the perfect woman for you, John. She always was.”

“You’re a good person, Em. You’re going to find the right person soon.”

“I hope so, John.”

Arriving home that afternoon, I feel a lot calmer than I did when leaving the house this morning. Maybe it’s the ring on the backseat or maybe it’s the fact that I have Em’s blessing to go forward with this, but I’m more than ready to marry Dakota and I’ve planned it perfectly. I can’t wait for Friday night.
I pull up in our driveway and hide the small box in my backpack, before jogging up the front steps to the front door. I unlock the door and close it behind me, entering an unusually quiet house. More often than not, Dakota’s blasting a record or two because she hates being alone in a silent house. Her car is in the driveway so I don’t know what-
And then my eyes find the bags by the kitchen door.

Her bags- suitcases. Where is she going?

I hear footsteps coming down the stairs and then she comes into view; my girl. My gorgeous, blonde haired beauty, the girl I want to marry and spend the rest of my life with- she’s got suitcases packed and her running shoes on.

She looks up at me, her eyes growing wide like she didn’t expect me home just yet.

“Y-you’re…”

“John,” she murmurs, putting what looks to be her last bag by the doorframe.

I look at her bags and shake my head. “Wh-where’re you going bub?” I ask, my eyes filling with over-emotional tears. I’ve been on all ends of the emotional scale today so right now I’m not too sure what I should be thinking.

“H-home,” she chokes, her eyes not leaving mine. Was she planning this this morning? Did she know she would be leaving when she was kissing me in bed?

“You are home.” I whisper, walking towards her.

She shakes her head. “I’ve been kidding myself thinking you could give me what I want.”
It’s like she’s scooping my heart out of my chest to hand back to me in an ice-cream cone. I want to marry her and she feels like this isn’t her home?

“Dakota…I love you- you can’t leave- I’m so confused.” I state, running a hand through my hair. “I-I didn’t know you weren’t happy?”

“It’s not that- I’ve never not been happy with you and the boys John.” She sighs, looking down at her bags.

“Well than explain to me why you’re ready to leave me?!” I yell, becoming defensive. I can’t have this happen to me again. I don’t know if I could survive a second woman leaving me. I love Dakota more than I ever thought possible.

“Because you can’t give me what I want, John,” she whimpers, wiping her tears on the back of her shirt sleeve. “I love you- fuck I love you so fucking much, and I’ve been patient because of the boys and because of Emily and this has nothing to do with either of them, but I can’t be second best anymore.”

“Dakota you know that Mesa and Phoenix come first- they’re our kids-“

“Except they’re not!” She snaps, looking more upset and sad than angry. “They’re not my kids- I’ve been stuck on that awkward bridge between girlfriend and mom for the past eight years John! I don’t know when I’m being too much of a mom or too much of a girlfriend! I feel like I’ve been playing a role that you haven’t even noticed!”

“D…” I mumble, not sure how to respond.

“You don’t even ask me to come with you on Mother’s Day,” She whispers through her tears. We’re only inches apart but I feel miles away from her. “I’m at home every year thinking about the two boys that I’ve helped raise for almost a decade! And you go see their mom- who hasn’t been around for fourteen years and I-“

She stops too short, bursting into tears.

“I can’t do it anymore, John. I’m an outsider living in this house because I’m here as your girlfriend and nothing else. I want to be closer to the boys but I can’t because-“

“Marry me.”

She looks at me, tears rolling down her cheeks. “Don’t you dare-“

I grab the box from my bag, knowing it’s now or never. I need this woman in my life and I’m not going to lose her. “I don’t want you to be second-fucking-best, Dakota. I know what you’re saying- if we’re a family you’re not going to be second best and I need to make us into a proper family.”

Her eyes are frozen on the box in my hands. She shakes her head profusely. “Don’t just do this to-“

“I’ve been wanting to do this for a while now,” I tell her, wiping the tears on the back of my hand as I get down on one knee in front of her.

“John…”

“Dakota, darlin’, I need you to marry me. I need you in my life because you’re the strongest part of me. If I don’t have you…I’m not me. I needed that time to raise the boys and find my feet as their father but it’s time I started putting you first too, and I’m not just doing this because you want to leave, I’m doing this because this is what I want and I know it’s what you want. It’s what you’ve deserved for a long time and I’ve been too much of an idiot not to get the fucking balls to do it. I’m a jerk, I know that. I don’t deserve you at all, but I’m asking you anyway because I know that I wouldn’t have been able to do any of this without you. You’re my baby and I need you, darlin’. I need you.”

With shaking hands, I open the box to reveal the large silver ring sitting inside.

She doesn’t even look at it, her eyes are focused on mine. “You’re so fucking late, O’Callaghan,” she sniffs, falling to her knees in front of me to cup my face. “So fucking late.”

My face falls. “You deserve better and I know that. But you’ve never been an outsider in this house, D. You were the one that made it into a home. The boys think of you as their mom and so does my mom and- they wouldn’t be half as beautiful as they are today without you and I can’t thank you enough for it-for everything.”

She looks at her bags before turning back to me. “I-I didn’t do this to get you to ask me…I just couldn’t do it anymore, John.”

“I know baby and I’m so sorry.” I sigh, pressing my forehead against hers. “I’m so sorry it took so long for me to do this.”

She kisses me softly, opening her eyes to look at me. “I love you. I…I want to marry you too.”
Oh thank fucking god.

I let out a shaking breath, feeling like I’m going to fall over any second. “Oh fucking Christ.”

She lets out a small laugh, sniffing and wiping her tears away. “We’re not fully okay but I’m willing to work on it if you are.”

“I’ll do whatever I need to to fix this darlin’.” I promise her, kissing her over and over again. I don’t think I could stand up straight; she was so close to leaving me forever, I still feel sick to my stomach. “Oh god don’t do that again. I love you baby.”

“I love you too.” She sniffs, looking down at the ring. “John that’s too much.”

“Oh please it’s not enough at all.” I scoff, pulling the ring from the box and holding my hand out for hers. “Hurry, before you change your mind.”

“I won’t change my mind,” she chuckles, holding her hand out. “I’m sorry about what I said-I love those boys you know I do.”

“Of course darlin’,” I nod, pulling her close to me. Maybe if I don’t let go she won’t leave. She’s just too much to lose. “Thank you- Jesus Christ- thank you so much darlin’.”

“I love you John.”

“I love you too baby girl.”

I can’t lose this part of me and I was so close to doing exactly that. The boys have always been and will always be my number one- but that doesn’t mean Dakota has to come second. This is my family and they all have to be put first.
This is what’s going to make me whole again.

“This darlin’, this is home.”