Status: Coming soon...

Parts of Me

Sixteen Years Old

I woke up to vomiting on that wonderful yet nerve-wracking Sunday morning. I myself wasn’t doing the vomiting, yet I felt like I was on the verge of joining in. Although I’m sure my reasons are somewhat different to Dakota’s.

I mean, she’s five months pregnant, so I don’t blame her.

Me, however, am taking the boys to meet their mom today. Talk about being fucking horrified.

Before I know it, I’m up out of bed and stumbling into the bathroom, dropping to my knees beside Dakota.

“No I’m okay baby, go back to bed-“

I push her out of the way just in time to empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet. “Ugh- sorry, darlin.” I sigh, running a hand through my hair as I sit back on my feet.

“It’s okay,” she pouts, flushing the toilet and putting the lid down before resting her head on the cool porcelain. “We’re just as sick as you.” She chuckles, in referral to our unborn child.

“How are you feeling?” I ask softly, reaching out to caress her stomach, which was covered by a jersey of mine. It was an extra large from high school when wearing your clothes four sizes too big was in style. Somehow, she looks better in it than I ever have.

“Like crap,” Dakota chuckles. Even with the faint smell of puke surrounding her, she still had that notorious pregnancy glow about her. “But I can handle it.”

“Well if it counts for anything, you still look gorgeous.” I try.

“Oh thank you baby,” she sighs as she pushes my hair off of my face. “Now what’s got you being all gross this morning, hmm? You’re always cute but this is just not hot.” She teases.

I look at the wall behind her. “The boys are meeting Emily today.”

Dakota’s eyes widen. “That completely slipped my mind. I bet they’re nervous.”

“I think they are. They haven’t really said so, but I know them. It’s a sensitive topic.” I muse.

Dakota nods, wrapping her arms around my neck. “Are you okay?”

I look down at her, resting my hand on her stomach- on our baby. “I’m fine.”

She raises an eyebrow, indicating that she doesn’t believe me. “John.”

“Why wouldn’t I be? Besides this isn’t about me, D. It’s about the boys.”

“I know that,” she sighs, “but this is a huge deal for you too. You’re finally bringing your children to their mom. For the first time ever, they get to meet the other person that created them. From this day forward, they’ll have a mom.”

“They already have a mom; they’ve had one for ten years.” I mumble into her hair as I hold her close to me.

“I mean their real mom. She’s more than that- she’s a part of them, y’know? This is another part of them that they get to discover.” Dakota explains softly.

“I never thought of it that way.” I admit. “I know they’re afraid of being let down; it’s a lot for them to decide they want to meet her after everything they’ve been through.”

“I can understand that,” she nods, “they were born with the impression that their mom didn’t want them. Of course that wasn’t the case, but it’s hard to fully understand what you and her went through. This stage of growing up is difficult- I think the boys will really need this.”

“You think so?” I mumble, looking over at her.

“Definitely,” Dakota agrees, “they’re both going through stuff. Phoenix is…I don’t know what he’s going through with his band, but I know that the other one is starting to do my head in with his teenage angst.”

My eyes widen. “You promised you’d tell me if he was talking back to you. I can handle it, but I can’t handle him treating you like that.”

“I’m a big girl, John. I can handle it. I just wish he’d stop…y’know, the comments.” Dakota shrugs softly. “Look, it really isn’t a big deal.”

“Yes it is,” I scoff, my blood boiling at the thought of my oldest son being a shit to Dakota, after everything she’s done for them. She most certainly doesn’t deserve it- especially now that she’s carrying our child. She doesn’t need the extra stress.

I voice this to her but she just shakes her head.

“I think you have other things to worry about today.” She hums, sending me a look.

The nerves return to my stomach and I lean against the bathroom wall for support.

This was going to be a long, hard and emotional day. If there’s something I seem to have attracted over the years, it is these types of situations.

God help me.

“So how are you boys feeling?”

I look up into my rear-view mirror and glance at my oldest in the backseat of the truck. Phoenix is up front beside me and I can tell that he’s the most nervous out of the two.

“I’m okay,” Phoenix nods, sitting on his hands. “This is going to be fine.”

“Of course it is,” Mesa assures him. “She’s just a person.”

“Just go into it with an open mind, okay? She might not be what you expect but she’s been through a lot and if you guys give her a chance; you’ll get on with her really well.” I tell them as the navigator brings us closer and closer to our destination. Four minutes. There’s not enough time.

“What do you mean?” Phoenix frowns. “What’s she like?”

“Kid, we’re four minutes away, you can form your own opinion when you meet her. All I’m saying, is that don’t hold your expectations too high. She’s a great woman, but she’s had a lot of trouble in her life so take it easy on her, okay? She’s just as nervous about this as you are.”

Mesa scoffs from the back seat. “Nervous? I’m not nervous.”

“Than why’d you throw up this morning?” Phoenix shoots back, his voice shaking as we pull into her street. His eyes have been glued to the navigator since we left the house- he’s definitely nervous.

“You threw up?” I repeat, looking in the rear-view mirror.

“Only because you and Dakota were. That’s kinda gross, y’know.” Mesa mutters.

“It’s called morning sickness,” Phoenix retorts. “Because her and dad made a baby even though he’s super old and gross.”

“Yeah I still don’t get that.” Mesa mumbles.

“Hey!” I frown, parking across the street from our ‘destination’. I shut off the engine and turn around in my seat. “That child is going to be an only child if you two don’t knock it off!”

“Okay, okay,” Mesa mumbles beneath his breath. “It’s a miracle baby, we get it.”

I roll my eyes and undo my seat belt. “We’ll talk about it later. Okay, are you boys ready?” I ask, focusing back in on their body language. They look out across the road at the house that may soon become their second home. It’s only a single story house, but it’s still rather large for one person. I’ve been here a couple times before to catch up with Emily and talk about the boys. Back then I never thought I’d see the day were I’d actually be bringing them here. It’s crazy to think that today becomes the day when they’re no longer just mine. Today they become Emily’s. We become co-parents for the first time ever and if I’m being completely honest- it scares me.

“You’re coming inside, right?” Phoenix asks quietly, his eyes glued to the house.

“Of course. If it makes you more comfortable, I can go in first and let her know we’re here. She’ll probably need the warning.” I assume. Emily’s just as nervous about meeting the boys as they are about meeting her- or as I am about all of this. When I told her that they’d made the decision to see her, she almost didn’t believe me. She broke down in tears and told me this was the greatest day of her life. I just hope that they’re not disappointed. I don’t know what Em would do if they decided they didn’t want her around.

“Good idea,” Mesa nods quickly, “you go first.”

I turn to face them. “I’m proud of you, boys. I know it’s been a long time coming, but you waited until you were properly ready and I think the way you’ve handled everything lately is incredibly mature of you. I know it’s been a lot to take on with me and Dakota having a baby and getting married, plus everything going on in your lives, so to do this with open minds is really big of you.”

“What if she’s not what we expect?” Phoenix asks softly, looking over at me. “What if she doesn’t like us?”

“Of course she’s going to like us, we’re her kids.” Mesa assures his younger brother. “It might be weird, but it’s going to be fine Phe. Come on, we can do it.”

“Your brother’s right, Phoenix,” I nod in agreement. Wow. It feels weird to say that again. “She’s going to love you. How you react to her is completely up to you. There’s no right or wrong here, only what you want. I’ve spoken with her and she knows and respects your decision to continue without her in your life if you really wish. I hope not, but ultimately the decision is up to you guys.”

They share some sort of telepathic glance before nodding. I take that as my cue to head in and cross the road quickly. I jog up to the front door and knock lightly. I can hear the faint sound of music playing inside the house and a few moments later, feet running to the door.

Emily answers soon after, greeting me with a hug. “Hi John, sorry I was in the kitchen.” She mumbles as I stand in the doorway.

“How are you Em?” I ask softly, “You look great.”

“Oh, thanks,” she blushes, pushing her hair out of her face. She’s wearing this little white dress I swear I’ve seen before with a pair of slip on’s. “How are you? How is married life?”

A smile pulls at my lips. “It’s incredible. Amazing.”

“I guess it helps that you’re expecting a baby,” Em chuckles. “I still can’t believe it.”

“Me neither. I don’t think it’s going to set in until it’s actually here. God, I haven’t been through this in years.”

“Let’s hope she doesn’t run out on you, huh?” Emily jokes awkwardly.

“Uh- “

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry,” She gasps, running a hand through her hair, looking obviously stressed. “I’m all over the place right now. My mind is a mess.”

“It’s okay,” I chuckle, pulling her in for a comforting hug. “They’re in the car, okay? They’re just as nervous as you are, so calm down.”

“How can I calm down? I’m meeting my babies, John.” She whimpers into my chest. “I can’t believe this is finally happening.”

“Me neither,” I sigh, rubbing her back. “We’ll take it step by step, okay? It’s all going to be okay.”

She nods slowly, pulling away. There was something all too familiar about that embrace. “Okay. Should I go inside? Or greet them at the door? Or should I wait for-“

“Em!”

She looks up at me, clearly a wreck. “I haven’t seen them since birth, John. They’re sixteen now! How else am I supposed to be?!”

I place a hand on each of her shoulders. “You need to relax. Breathe. Don’t over think this- they’re just as nervous as you are, okay? It’s going to be fine.”

When I’m sure she’s gotten herself together, she goes to wait in the living room while I head out to the truck to find the boys and bring them in. I still can’t believe this is happening.

I get to the truck and stop, frowning when I realise that it’s empty and the boys are nowhere to be seen-

“Dude, it’ll be okay.”

“Boys?” I call, making my way around to the other side of the truck and stopping suddenly when I find them crouching down beside the tyre, hiding from reality. I extend my hands and pull them up, straight into a hug I know Mesa is probably dreading. “We’ll be okay. Just take it one step at a time, yeah?”

They nod into my chest and I let go.

“Come on, we’ll take it slowly.” I assure them as I lock up the truck. “You can do this- the both of you.”

Mesa nods and pushes Phoenix in front of him. He’s been talking to me a little more, but not enough to subside my worries about him. We still have that uncomfortable tension between us, but he’s stuck a pin in the bratty attitude for the past week leading up to today. Dakota is convinced he’s starting to come around and that all of the partying and the late nights will end, but I’m not so sure. I know my boys and I know that just because they’re meeting Em, it doesn’t mean Mesa is going to be so quick to change his ways.

“It’s going to be okay,” I tell them softly as I open the front door for them. They stare at me nervously, indicating for me to go first. I sigh and head in, letting Mesa close the door behind us. I feel Phoenix’s hand lightly graze the back of my arm as I lead the boys toward the kitchen. Suddenly they feel six years old and terrified. I stop suddenly and turn to them. “If you’re having second thoughts it’s okay.” I whisper quietly.

Mesa shakes his head and pats Phoenix on the back. “It’s fine. We’re fine.”

I look at Phoenix who nods slowly. “Same.”

I nod and take a deep breath as we head toward the kitchen. I’m just as nervous as they are.

“Em!”

When we step into the room, she’s standing nervously beside the kitchen bench, fiddling with her necklace. I recognize it as the necklace I have her when the boys were born. I had no idea she still wore it, let alone kept it.

She covers her mouth as she sees them, tears filling her eyes.

“Mom,” Phoenix speaks quietly, “Y-you’re our mom?”

Emily nods silently, too nervous to say anything.

“Emily, this is Phoenix,” I say, pushing him forward and continuing to put a hand on Mesa’s shoulder. “He’s the youngest. This is Mesa, he’s the oldest- but you know that.”

Emily nods again. “I know I- hi,” she smiles nervously.

“Boys, this is your mom Emily. You can call her that if you want.” I say, pulling Mesa close to me.

We’re left in a somewhat awkward silence as the three of them try to comprehend what’s happening. I’ll admit, I’m kind of speechless myself.

“Hi,” Mesa nods shortly. He seems uncomfortable with the situation so I know I need to intervene.

“Why don’t we go sit down? You boys can ask your mom any questions that you have.” I suggest.

Emily nods in agreement. “Let’s do that. Do you boys want anything to drink? I have soda?”

“Yes please,” Phoenix nods quickly.

Emily disappears into the kitchen while I lead the boys into the living room. We sit on the same couch across from another couch. I sit on the end with Phoenix closest to me. His hands are shaking a little and I feel sorry for the kid.

“What do you think so far?” I whisper to the boys. “She’s a little nervous.”

Mesa frowns, looking over at me. “Why are pretty women attracted to you?”

I roll my eyes and reach over to hit him over the head. “Is that so hard to believe?”

“Well…yeah,” Mesa mutters.

“Is she as nice as Dakota?” Phoenix whispers, turning to me. “Is Dakota okay with us doing this? I don’t want her to think we’re doing this to hurt her after everything she’s done for us.”

“Phe, she doesn’t think that. Don’t worry about her, okay? She’s fully supportive of this. All that matters is that you do this for you.”

He nods quietly and plays with his hands. Soon enough, Em comes back with a drink for the boys and sits across from us on the opposing couch.

“So,” I begin, putting my arm on the back of the couch. I’m trying to build a comfortable environment from everyone here; especially the three nervous people meeting for the first time ever. “Boys?”

They both look at me, confused.

“You can talk to her, y’know.”

“I know this is probably really weird for you,” Emily states, “I’ve been freaking out since your dad told me you wanted to meet.”

“It…it took us a while to get ready,” Phoenix pipes up. He surprises me being the first one to talk.

Em nods understandingly. “I get that.”

“When we were younger we kind of just got the idea that you didn’t want us. So we never wanted to meet you. We were okay without a mom.” I watch my youngest son as he speaks, nervously staring at his hands. It’s not easy for him, and I appreciate his effort.

Emily looks at me.

“I never said anything bad, Em,” I assure her. “But I was as in the dark as they were, you know that. When everybody else started having kids the boys noticed that they didn’t have a mom. All they had was a godmother and grandmother.”

“No I understand,” she says softly before looking at the boys. “There was never a second where I didn’t want you two. I don’t know how much your dad has told you about why I left- “

“He said you were sick.” Mesa states. He’s sitting forward, like he’s trying to intimidate her. He doesn’t like to show his emotion, he prefers to act like nothing bothers him. But with the way he reacted when he found out I left them, it only shows how vulnerable he really is in moments like these. He’s a lot like me, and he probably hates it.

Emily fidgets, nodding. I don’t know how much she’s going to tell them. “I w-was. Mentally. I had anxiety and depression, I hid that from your dad so he had no idea I was going to leave. But back then in that frame of mind, I thought leaving would be better for everyone, including your dad.”

“Why?” Phoenix frowns in genuine confusion.

“Because I felt that if I stayed, in my condition, I would have driven John away. You deserve to have a father like him more than a mother like me.” She confesses, throwing me off a little.

“Em- “

“No it’s true. You’ve done such an incredible job.”

“He left too.” Mesa states. For some reason that hurts a lot more than it ever has, as though he’s confirming what I’ve been thinking. I’m not a good parent. He doesn’t think I’m a good dad. I’ve failed my first born.

“I know,” Emily nods. “And I think he needed that. In order for your dad to prepare himself.”

“Mesa is still upset over that.” I explain calmly.

He shoots me a glare. “I’m not upset! This family just seems to have a thing for leaving!”

“If you’re going to have anger for anybody, have it for me, Mesa,” Emily cuts in. “If I stayed, he wouldn’t have had to leave.”

“I don’t want to have anger for you.” Mesa mumbles.

“Well I wouldn’t want you to either.” Emily admits.

“We have a stepmom,” Phoenix says, lifting his head. “She’s been our mom since we were six years old.”

“I know,” Emily nods, “I can respect that. I’m your mother, but I’m not your mom.”

Phoenix nods, his eyes filling with tears. “We’ve never had a real mom. But we got used to it; it was all we’d ever known. When we were little, it was just us three and that was our family; it was okay. But then when Dakota came along, it took a lot for me and Mes to be okay with it. When we saw how happy she made our dad, we felt more comfortable. She began to treat us like her own; that’s what a mom is, in our eyes. All we know about you is that you left us at birth. We were sick too, in the hospital. There’s photos of us in the ICU with wires and shit- every time we were sick after six years old, Dakota was there. You’ve never been there for us. I’m not trying to make you feel bad, but you’re not our mom. I don’t know who you are; you’re just one of dad’s ex-girlfriends.”

“Phoenix…” I mumble, genuinely shocked by his words. I had no idea he and his brother felt this way. It’s heartbreaking, yet kind of beautiful how they think of Dakota. I’m discovering a whole new side to my kids that I never want to fade.

“In a way I wouldn’t take it back,” Emily states boldly, “of course I wish I would have been healthy enough to be your mom, but it seems that you’ve done so well without me. Dakota makes your dad happy and she makes you boys happy. I wouldn’t want you to go through a life without that. I know we’ll never have that, but if I could have anything? It would be to know you. I want to know you.”

“I want to know you too,” Mesa pipes up. “I know we have Dakota, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have you too.”

“Of course,” I nod, “you’re allowed to want to know your mom. Phoenix, everything you just said, I respect that and I admire your courage, but Dakota is okay with this, bub. I said that before. You don’t have to feel obligated not to know your mom. Dakota is okay with this and you don’t need to worry about her.”

“I can’t not worry about her.” Phoenix whimpers.

I can see that this is hard on Emily, but she’s taking it stronger and better than I thought.

“Would it make you feel better to talk to Dakota about this before you get to know me? If that’s what you want to do?” She asks Phoenix softly. “Because we can take this as slow as you like. If this is enough for you right now, that’s absolutely fine.”

Phoenix looks down at his hands and nods. “This is enough for me right now.”

I squeeze his shoulders and give him a hug. The poor kid is emotionally exhausted and although the meeting has been short, I know he needs nothing more but than to go to bed and clear his mind about everything.

I look to Mesa, who’s sitting quietly at the end of the couch. “What about you Mesa? How are you feeling?”

“I want to know you,” Mesa states. “I want you in my life.”

“I would love to be in your life.” Emily nods.

“But I think today has been full on. Can we do this again in a couple days?” Mesa asks softly.

“Of course,” Emily chuckles, the sadness showing through. We both prepared ourselves for this. We didn’t know what was going to happen and I know the response probably wasn’t what she truly wanted, but she knows she’ll have to work hard and be patient. She’s got it in her; she’s their mother. “But you take your time, Phoenix. If you’re not ready in a couple days that’s completely fine. I’ll always be here waiting for you.”

Phoenix looks up and nods. “Thank you.”

Emily looks at me and gives me a small smile. “You’ve done an incredible job.”

We leave shortly after the conversation came to an end. It was decided that Mesa and Emily would catch up in a few days time, once he’s had the time to process everything. Phoenix on the other hand, wants to talk to Dakota and sort himself out before he sees Emily again. He admitted to me that afternoon that it was harder for him than he thought; he wanted it to be easy, but it only shows how much it means to him that they get it right.

In all, I’m proud of my boys and their honesty. I told Emily that I’d call her when Mesa was ready, and that she did incredibly well. She was a little emotional when it was just me and her in the kitchen afterwards, but she understands and is proud of the boys for telling her how they feel. I can see it in her eyes that she wants nothing more than to be in their lives, and I feel sorry for her that she had to miss out on them growing up because of her mental health. She would have been a great mom to the boys.

When we arrive home that afternoon, the boys head upstairs and I find Dakota in the kitchen baking. Ever since she fell pregnant, her hormones have been driving her crazy. All she’s wanted to do is bake and go swimming. I guess it works because she’s burning off everything she’s putting on with the cupcakes and cookies, but I’m starting to notice how much I’m putting on because of all of the sugary baked goods littering our kitchen.

“Darlin’, you need to stop.” I chuckle as I enter the kitchen.

“I’m carrying your child- you need to sit your butt down and back off, O’Callaghan.” She warns, not bothering to look up. She’s too focused on her measurements and it’s pretty damn cute.

“Or what? You’ll hold him captive in there?” I smirk, wrapping my arms around her waist. “He’s gotta come out eventually.”

“You don’t know if it’s a he! Stop jinxing it!” Dakota whines, shoving me away.

“I would love to have three boys.” I laugh, kissing her neck.

“Oh! How’d it go?” She asks, spinning around to face me. “Where are the twins?”

“They’re upstairs, they’re exhausted. It was a lot for them to take on.” I explain. “Mesa is catching up with Em in a few days, but Phoenix wants to talk to you first.”

Dakota looks alarmed, her eyes widening. “Me? Why?”

I rest my chin on her shoulder, holding her tight. “He’s having a hard time meeting his real ‘mom’. He wants to talk to the one he’s already got- it’s going to help him come to terms with the fact that his birth mom is now in his life.”

“He-he thinks of me as his mom?” She asks quietly.

I nod. “He does. He always has. You’ve been there for him and he sees you as his mom because of that, and so many other things.”

“Wow,” she whispers, tears filling her eyes. I pull back and kiss her forehead.

“He’ll come to you when he’s ready, okay? Come on darlin’, you had to know that you had some sort of incredible impact on him and Mesa.”

Dakota shrugs. “I like to think I did, but it was always wishful thinking.”

“You mean so much more to those boys than you realise, and you’re going to have to get used to it because in a few short months this little kicker is going to need you just as much.” I murmur softly as I pull her back into me. “I can’t wait until he or she get here…I could use a little more sunshine in my life.”

“That’s exactly what they are- what they all are.” She points out. “Here, you take over for me. I need to go talk to Phoenix. I don’t want him not seeing his mother.”

She goes to walk away but I catch her hand and pull her back. “Hey, I love you, Mrs O’Callaghan.”

A smile tugs at her lips before I cover them with my own.

“I love you too, Mr O’Callaghan.”

I can’t wait for this sunshine.
♠ ♠ ♠
I'M SORRY FOR THE MULTIPLE MONTH DELAY HERE IT IS HERE IS THE GOLDEN CHAPTER- GET READY FOR A NEW LITTLE RAY OF SUNSHINE IN THE NEXT CHAPTER!!!

P.S. please let me know what you think! I'm so sorry for the stupidly long wait!

~IG