Parts of Me

“That’s it- say it again, baby; dog-doggy.”

“Woof- woof woof!”

I let out a laugh and pull Sunny onto my chest as I lay back on the living room floor. “Almost, sweet’art.”

Sunny pouts, wrapping her little arms around my shoulders, as far as they can go. It’s a Saturday morning and the house is quiet; Mesa is at his moms for the weekend and Phoenix is out with a few friends, probably discussing band things before their weekly practice.

Dakota was out with both my mom and her mom, getting breakfast and probably talking about having more kids or whether or not I’m pulling my weight now that I’m home more often. Either way, it’s women’s business and I wasn’t invited, which is fine with me considering I get to spend time with my little girl.

She lays her head on my chest and I can’t help but reach out and touch her; she’s such an incredible little thing; I truly a, blessed to have her in my life. She’s given me another thing to fight for; something more to live for. I never would have thought I’d be this happy with three kids and a wife. I’m so thankful for everything.

“Dad! We’re home!”

I look up as Phoenix walks into the living room, Jaxon behind him. “Hey guys. You’re back early.”

“Hi John,” Jaxon smiles.

“Hey kiddo, I hear the band’s been going well, you boys are sounding great from what Phe’s been showing me.” I say, facing them from my position upside down on the floor.

“Yeah, we’re really excited on how we’re progressing. I can’t wait to graduate and see where it takes us.” Jaxon nods excitingly.

“Have you been applying for colleges?” I ask curiously.

“Yeah, my parents are making me. I’m applying for Julliard, though. I’ve always wanted to go there.” He states.

“Julliard? Wow. That’s a prestigious school.”

Phoenix nods. “But he’s got most of the qualifications, so he’ll probably get in.”

“Shut up- you’re going to jinx me.” Jaxon mumbles, shooting Phoenix a look.

“You don’t just say no to Julliard, you know that, right?” I ask. “If you get in, you might have to chose between school or the band.”

Jaxon nods, wincing slightly. “I know. But we’ll just see what happens, I guess.”

“Well I’m proud of you, kiddo. You boys are doing great things, just stay focused and you can do anything.”

“Thanks John.” Jaxson mumbles, giving me a small smile.

“C’mon, we have to go practice.” Phoenix states, pulling Jaxson out of the room with him. “The guys will be over soon!”

“Alright! Not too loud!” I call back before looking at the little girl on my chest. “They’re gonna be pretty loud, baby girl. Your big brother is going to be a rock star.”

“Dada,” Sunny coos, grabbing my face with her little hands.

“Yeah bub,” I sigh, taking both her hands in mine and kissing them. “I guess you’re a slow learner, hmm?”

She looks at me with a quizzical look, before breaking out into a wide grin. She wasn’t speaking as fluently as a kid her age should be, the way the boys were at her age.

“That’s okay though, you might catch up with Mesa.” I whisper in her ear. Things between us…they’ve been worse. We haven’t made any improvement over the past couple of months and it’s starting to really worry me. What if we can’t get back to how we used to be? What do I do then?

“C’mon baby girl, you need to eat your lunch,” Dakota sighs as she holds the spoon in front of Sunny’s mouth. The little girl rejects it and eyes my plate, giving me her best pout.

“Bub, you can’t have daddy’s sandwich, you need to eat your gross carrots- “

“John!” Dakota scolds, slapping my shoulder. “You’re not helping.”

“Yeah,” Eric scoffs from across from me at the kitchen bench. “For starters, you don’t eat something they can’t have right in front of them.”

“For starters, you don’t tell her that carrots are gross.” Dakota mutters, sending an evil glare my way.

“Can’t she have strawberries? She likes those.” I point out. “If I was her I’d- “

“Do I really have to remind you that you’re not a toddler?” Dakota snaps, throwing the spoon at me so it lands on the table by my plate. “You boys feed her if you’re such the experts.”

With that, she storms out and heads upstairs, leaving the three of us to our own devices. Eric looks at me with an amused smirk and I can’t help but roll my eyes. Of course he finds this hilarious. I don’t recall finding his broken marriage funny a few years back.

“Oh come on, she’s just tired,” he chuckles, picking up the spoon and sitting by Sunny. “It makes sense, with all of the wild s-e-x you’re not having.”

I roll my eyes. “Do you really have to spell that in front of my daughter?”

To think that we were back to this is crazy. I never thought I’d have to worry about spelling inappropriate words in front of my kids ever again. These days Mesa isn’t afraid to use them around
me- or at me.

“Don’t change the subject- this is serious.” Eric states as he feeds my daughter effortlessly. She’s always taken a liking to her godfather, and I think he’s just as thrilled about her.

“Serious? It’s none of your business.” I scoff. “We’re not talking about my lack of an s-e-x life.”

“You can’t let it go stale, man. You do not know how hard it is to bounce back from that.” He says, ignoring me completely. “You saw what happened with me and Leah.”

“What happened with you and Leah is nothing like- your whole marriage fell apart! Our marriage is not falling apart!” I hiss across at him.

“Yeah? When was the last time you had sex, huh?”

“Uh dad…”

I look up and see both Phoenix and Jaxon standing in the doorway. I feel my cheeks burning up and send a glare towards my ‘best friend’.

“Figuratively speaking, because, y’know, sex is bad.” Eric continues, looking between the three of us.

I roll my eyes at him and turn towards my son. “What’s up?”

“Uh the guys aren’t coming around for a practice anymore- they got held up with school work. Me and
Jax are gonna practice though, is it cool if he stays the night?” Phoenix asks as he grabs them a couple sodas from the fridge.

I nod. “Of course. You boys writing?”

“Trying to,” Jaxon nods as he leans against the doorway. “It’s kind of hard though when the other guys
won’t even show up for practice.”

Eric scoffs, shaking his head. “Maybe you should kick them out.”

I shoot him a look. “That’s not the way to go about an issue in the band. Are you guys having trouble?”

Jaxon looks at Phoenix who shrugs it off.

“It’s not a big deal,” Phoenix mutters as he roots around in the pantry for food. I swear, all teenagers do is eat. It doesn’t help when you have a toddler that is extremely fussy about food. “They’re just not sure if they want to do this full time when they leave school.”

“It is a big deal when it could leave us without a singer and a bass player.” Jaxon throws back, raising an eyebrow at him. I can tell that he’s trying not to get to worked up about it in front of us, but I know they’re going to have it out when they get back down to the basement. They’re passionate kids and they love being in the band and playing music; I get that. It just doesn’t make sense for Phoenix not to be as upset as Jax clearly is when this is all he’s ever wanted too.

“Well hey, I’m a bass player.” Eric points out.

Phoenix frowns. “Didn’t all of your bands split up?”

My eyes widen. “Phe.”

“Fine. You’re clearly not 8123 material,” Eric mutters sulkily beneath his breath. At the ripe old age of forty-five, he’s still as much of a child as he was when we first met, years and years before the babies and the wives.

“If we have to find other people, we’ll find other people- “

“That completely changes the dynamic of the entire band!”

“Then we’ll deal with it! Music is always evolving! If you can’t evolve with it- “

“Then what, I should just go to college?” Jaxon sneers from across the room.

I look at Eric who shrugs at me.

“Why not? It’s only halfway across the country.” Phoenix mutters.

Jaxon rolls his eyes and leaves the room. Phoenix pulls a face and goes to follow him, stopping in the middle of the doorway and turning to me. “Can you like…not talk about sex when I have friends over? It’s creepy…you’re too old for that.”

With that, he leaves.

“Little shit,” I scoff. “Can you believe that child used to fall asleep to Disney movies on the bus?!”

“Dude, they definitely just had a lovers’ tiff.” Eric smirks. “Like you and Jared used to have. Your son is totally you as a teenager. You know what that means.”

I roll my eyes. “He’s still a virgin- are you really that deprived of s-e-x that you need to talk about my sons’ s-e-x life?”

“I thought you said he was a virgin?”

“You’re the worst god father ever!” I laugh, shaking my head at him. I look at my little girl and I can’t help but sigh. Girls stay young forever, right? I don’t want any little punk getting their hands on her. Ever.

“Do you think he’s seeing anyone?” Eric asks seriously. “Has been on any dates at all?”

I shrug. “He’s a shy kid…maybe he’ll wait until after high school before he starts dating any girls.”

Eric doesn’t look convinced. “I don’t know man, he’s a pretty good looking kid. I don’t think he has a problem with the ladies. You’re sure he’s never been out on a date? Maybe he just hasn’t told you.”

“Oh so now both my sons don’t trust me?” I scoff. “Phoenix isn’t dating anyone. I would know about that because I’m his father, not you.”

“Alright,” Eric nods, raising his hands in defeat. “I’m sorry.”

I let out a sigh. “No, I’m sorry man. I’m just frustrated over everything with Mesa. He doesn’t leave his room when he’s home and he never talks to me.”

“He’s a teenager-“

I shake my head. No. It’s not just a ‘phase’. This isn’t something all kids go through. “It’s not because of that, Eric. These aren’t normal hormonal behaviours. I hurt him, and he can’t find it in himself to forgive me- he doesn’t want to forgive me.”

“What exactly happened?” Eric asks carefully. “You said you guys got into a fight a couple years ago but…was it physical? Did you…hit him?”

My eyes widen. “I would never do that! Who do you think I am?!”

“I’m sorry! It’s just with the way you were going about it- “

“No! I’d never lay a finger on any of my kids! No man, it was…he found out that I left them at birth.” It’s not something I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for, no matter what anyone else says. Sure, I didn’t do it out of selfishness, I did it for them. But I still hurt my son in doing so, and that’s something I never wanted to do. Until he’s no longer hurting…I can’t let go of it.

He’s my baby and he doesn’t trust me.

I watch as Eric lifts Sunny out of her high chair and into his lap. She’s done with lunch and somehow he’d managed to feed it all to her. Dakota was going to be pissed when she finds out he was actually able to do it.

“So? You came back- they were in the hospital, the had to stay there for those three weeks because they needed treatment and stuff. You going was you getting treatment.” He points out like it’s that simple. If only it were, maybe I’d have my son back.

“They were in the intensive care unit- they were really sick- “

“I know that,” he nods, looking down at Sunny. “I went and saw them everyday.”

I know he doesn’t mean it the way my brain is telling me he does. Of course he doesn’t. He’s my best friend. But he was also there for my kids when I wasn’t, right after they were born.

“So was Ashley- come on man, would you have preferred we weren’t? Emily is the one that’s in the wrong, not you!” He pushes out. “You raised them their whole lives by yourself!”

“But that’s my job! Of course I did!” I scoff, not wanting any of his praise. I don’t deserve it. I did what a parent is supposed to do, only I fucked it up right at the beginning. “I wasn’t supposed to leave them.”

“Emily did.” Eric shrugs. “You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself over this.”

“Their mother leaving them doesn’t justify me doing it, Eric. Why do you keep bringing her into this?” I frown. “I left and they needed me. I left even after she did, I knew they’d have nobody- “

“But they didn’t!” Eric snaps, his volume frightening my daughter and causing her to whimper in his arms. He sighs and stands, rocking her as he walks around the kitchen. Seeing him with her was so natural, as if she were his own. “They didn’t have nobody- they had me. They had their godmothers, their godfathers- they had your parents! Those kids have never been alone one moment in their lives, John. I know that doesn’t make up for their dad leaving to get himself better for three weeks- but had you not have gone? Honestly I think you would have done something much worse and I doubt you’d be here today. You need to get rid of this guilt, man. Of course Mesa isn’t going to see like we all do- all he sees is his unstable mom leaving him and not wanting anything to do with him, and his dad bailing for a couple weeks. Both his parents left him and he doesn’t want an excuse. You’d be the same way- but you can’t let him treat you like this. You’ve only done what’s right for them- you didn’t date for six years. You didn’t marry for ten. You didn’t have another child until your forties. You slowed down touring- hell, you raised two kids whilst touring! It’s all been for them, man. You don’t deserve this from your first born.”

I’m kind of blown away by his speech. Albeit there are a few things I’d have to disagree with (such as I don’t deserve his reaction, when I clearly do) but for the most part I’m touched.
“Dude…”

“Oh shut up, you know I look up to you as a father. Get over it.” He scoffs, looking back down at Sunny. “You have the best daddy, don’t you baby girl?”

“You’ve always had my back,” I nod, “but I’m not someone you want to look up to as a parent. If
anything, you’re father of the year- “

“I had two kids in my forties and bailed on my career to please my wife. You were a single father with twins, you came home after the love of your life left. You also have an amicable relationship with the boys’ mom, which I could never be mature enough to do. Dude, you’re my best friend and I’m f-u-c-k-i-n-g proud of you. Shut up and gloat.” Eric chuckles. “Plus he has a perfect little girl, doesn’t he princess?” He coos at Sunny. She giggles and wraps her little arms around his neck.

“You want another one, don’t you?” I muse.

He looks at me with serious eyes. “I want another girl, dude- even if I have to keep going through boys to get one.”

I let out a laugh and pull him in for a hug. “I still feel like shit over Mesa but I appreciate everything you said, man. Your support has always meant a lot.”

“What are we if not emotional over these little boogers, huh?”

Later on, after Eric’s gone home to Leah (he claims he’s going to talk her into one last one- apparently he’s researched certain ‘techniques’ that’ll assure he has a girl this time), I’m sitting in the living room with my girls. Dakota has a glass of wine in her hand and I have Sunny in my lap. Phoenix and Jaxon are still downstairs making noise, blasting Taking Back Sunday through their speakers.

“So he really thinks she wants another baby?” Dakota laughs, shaking her head in disbelief as I tell her about Eric’s latest endeavour. “He just won’t give up.”

“Babe, his swimmers are better than mine if he’s still having kids at this age.” I scoff.

“Uh we were the last ones to have a baby, I think you’d won this one.” She scoffs, raising her glass to her lips.

“I mean if the possibility is even there for him to have more kids. It’s kind of impressive.” I chuckle.

“Or tiring. He’s not the one that has to carry a fourth child for nine months. I feel sorry for Leah.” Dakota muses.

“Well that’s true. You women and your human producing abilities…you continue to amaze me.” I smirk as I lean in to kiss her. “You’re a great mom, you know that?”

“I’m not the one lover boy looks up to, apparently.” She states. “That’s so cute.”

“You were eavesdropping?” I ask, raising an eyebrow. “I thought you were pissed at us.”

“Well yeah, but I was walking down the hall and I overhead a few things. This little munchkin can take it out of you from time to time.” Dakota smirks, poking Sunny in the stomach and causing her to giggle. “Huh baby girl? You like making mommy tired, don’t you?”

I kiss Sunny’s cheek. “She’s not too talkative just yet. You don’t think that’s a bad thing, do you?”

Dakota shakes her head. “Apparently I was like that when I was little. It’s normal, babe. Don’t worry too much about it.”

“I can’t,” I sigh as I take in all of my daughter’s perfect features. “My sons were born premature. I can’t not worry about any of them.”

“What I mean, is that she’s going to be just fine. We’re raising her right and I have no doubts in your parenting- I never have.” Dakota says firmly. “I don’t ever feel worried about leaving her with you.”

“That’s good to know,” I tease as I kiss her. “But seriously, I’m relieved you feel like that. I wouldn’t want you to feel any other way about me and this one.”

“She’s so lucky to have you,” Dakota murmurs, resting against me. “I know I’ve been kind of off lately, but I really do appreciate everything you do. I’ve never done this part- it’s tiring, y’know?”

I nod. “You’re lucky she’s a quiet one. I have a feeling it’s all going to come back to bite us when she’s a teenager.”

Dakota laughs, shaking her head. “Don’t jinx us.”

My phone buzzes on the arm of the couch beside me. I unlock it to see a message from Eric.

wife said no. new wife or sex ban?

I can’t help but laugh and show Dakota the message, who rolls her eyes disapprovingly.

“She clearly needs a new husband,” she mumbles, “he’s a cheeky bastard.”

“He’s pushing his luck- y’know I never thought he’d be the one with the big family.”

“You have the same number of kids.” Dakota points out.

“I know, but he wants to keep going. He gave up his career to have more kids and make things easier on his marriage- he’s just surprised me, is all.” I shrug as I type back a response.

I would keep the wife. She’s hot.

“You’re as bad as him,” She chuckles as she reads my message. It doesn’t bother her because she knows it’s harmless. “Leah is hot though- god I hope I look that good in my forties.”

I frown. “Babe you’re forty-one.”

Dakota takes a sip of her wine, looking away. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Doesn’t matter- you don’t even look thirty. Y’know my mom asked if you’d had any work done? She didn’t think it was possible to look the way you do at your age.”

“Oh shut up- “

“I’m serious! She got mad at me because she thought I talked you into it!” I laugh, causing Dakota to do the same.

“That’s ridiculous! I hope you set her straight.” She mumbles.

“Of course not- I told her I asked you to get a boob job.”

“John!”

“I’m kidding!” I laugh, shaking my head. “You’re so pretty- Sunny tell mama she’s pretty.” I coo to our daughter, who beams and throws herself onto Dakota.

“Mama! Mama preedee!”

“Oh thank you baby girl,” Dakota laughs, covering Sunny’s face in kisses and causing her to giggle an wriggle about.

I take Dakota’s glass before it falls out of her hand and watch the two of them. I can’t believe how incredible of a mother D is to our little girl. Despite what she says, she’s a natural at it. I think it’s the motherly instinct she’s developed over the years of raising the boys. Whatever it is, it’s definitely paid off.

“Oh shoot- I have a load of washing I need to put in the dryer. I hope the boys are done down there, its late.” She mutters, handing Sunny back to me. “I’ll be back my sweet angel, oh and you too babe.”

I laugh, wrapping my arms around my little girl. “Come on, I’m sure that can wait, sweet angel has to get to for a nap soon.”

“I’ll be five minutes! If I don’t put this in, you’re not going to have any clean pants and the boys won’t have any shirts.” Dakota states as she gets up from the couch.

“What about you girls?”

“Oh I do our washing first, you boys are my last priority.” She smirks.

“That’s extremely loving of you, Mrs O’Callaghan.” I chuckle, pulling the wine glass out of Sunny’s reach as she tries to go for it.

“And don’t you forget it.” She winks before leaving the room.

I watch her go, my attention only taken by my daughter as she wraps her arms around my neck. “Yes darlin’?”

“Mama preedee,” she tells me, her green eyes staring into mine. “So preedee!”

“Mama is very pretty,” I laugh, kissing her forehead. “You’re getting better with your words. Daddy loves you, sunshine.”

“Lovey dada,”

“Yeah, lovey dada. Dada loves you so much baby girl,” I sigh, holding her against my chest. “You talk to me whenever you want.”

“Oh my god!”

I look up, hearing the garage door slam and feet coming upstairs. Seconds later, Dakota appears in the doorway, her face pale and white as though she’s seen a ghost.

“What’s wrong? What happened?”

She swallows thickly, shaking her head. “Say goodnight baby girl, it’s nap time!” She comes and takes Sunny from me, leaving me confused.

“Dakota- “

“I’ll be back.” She nods softly.

What the hell is going on?

Again, she leaves the room, taking my daughter with her. I sit there confused and frustrated. I don’t get-

“Dad,”

Phoenix is standing in the doorway, out of breath and red in the face. His shirt and hair are all dishevelled and I’m sure that’s a hickey on his neck.
Did Dakota catch him with a girl in the basement? I didn’t even know he was seeing anyone! How does this keep happening?

“Hey kid…what’s up?”

“I can explain, okay? I was going to tell you, but it was hard and I didn’t know how and now Dakota’s angry and I didn’t want- “

“Woa, slow down,” I mumble, jumping up as tears start to fill his eyes. “Phoenix, slow down.” I pull him in for a hug and I feel him shaking against me. “What’s going on?”

We sit down on the couch and he tries to compose himself.

A small grin tugs at my lips. “Did Dakota catch you with a girl? It’s okay- you’re eighteen and responsible. I trust you. Sure I would have liked to know about her, but the same thing happened with your brother a couple of years ago. At least with you I know you waited until you were properly ready.”
When he doesn’t let up, I begin to worry.

“Phoenix?”

He drops his head into his hands and mumbles something I can’t understand.

“What? I didn’t hear- “

“I said it wasn’t a girl!”

Oh god. He was jerking off- that’s got to be embarrassing-

“It’s Jaxon, dad. I…I’m with Jaxon.”

Wait, what?

He looks away in shame as I try to come up with something to say. I don’t want him to feel ashamed of this- of any of this, but the words just won’t come out and I know that makes it a hell of a lot worse for him.

“I’m sorry, okay? I know you probably don’t want that, but I can’t help it- “

I pull him into my arms and hold him tightly. “If it makes you happy, of course I want it. Don’t be sorry for who you are, kid. Never be sorry.”

“I-I…you’re not mad?” He asks quietly, wiping his eyes on his shirt.

“Of course not! I could never be mad at you for being gay, Phe. You should know better than that.” I sigh, kissing the side of his head. “Don’t be upset.”

“I just- I didn’t know how to tell you. We were always so careful, I didn’t want you or Dakota to find out like this. Do you think she’s mad at me?”

“Of course I’m not,”

Phoenix looks up to see Dakota standing in the door way.

“It’s what your dad said- we could never be made at you for being who you are. To say I was shocked is
an understatement,” she chuckles, “I didn’t expect to see you two all over each other.”

“Wait, so you’ve been with Jaxon this whole time?” I ask, kind of surprised I didn’t pick up on it months ago.

Phoenix nods, shrugging. “Yeah. We’ve been dating since we were sixteen.”

My eyes widen. “That’s how long you’ve been keeping this from me?! Phoenix!”

“I didn’t know how to tell you! I’ve always known, I just…I don’t know, it didn’t start to matter until all my friends started dating girls and I realised I really didn’t want to date girls.” He laughs. “Jaxon and I were planning on coming out before graduation, but it’s a lot harder than I thought.”

“Yeah bud, kids can be kind of brutal. But I’m sure your friends will understand.” I assure him.

Dakota walks over and sits on the coffee table in front of us. “Does your brother know?”

Phoenix shrugs. “He’s always known.”

“What about your mom?” I ask curiously. If she knows before I do, I know I’ve done something wrong for him not to be able to tell me confidently. If Dakota hadn’t had walked in, who knows how long it would have taken him?

“She doesn’t know,” he shakes his head, “I wanted to tell you first.”

“If you want me to be there with you, I can, bud.” I tell him. “If it’ll make you more comfortable.”

“I’ll see. I should be fine. I might just take Jaxon.” He muses.

“Hey Phe, why don’t you go get him?” Dakota suggest. “Introduce us to your boyfriend?”

A blush rises on my sons’ cheeks as he stands up. “Don’t make a big deal over it, okay? I don’t need a coming out party.”

I can’t help but laugh. “Just go get him, kid.”

Phoenix gives us a smile before heading downstairs to the basement.

I look at Dakota and sink back into the couch. “Wow.”

“I know,” she chuckles, shaking her head. “I did not see that coming. I’m so happy for him, though. I’ll probably cry a little later over how proud I am and all of that, so prepare yourself.”

I feel myself getting a little emotional about it all, but for good reasons.

“I can’t believe he was scared of telling me- I apparently don’t make it easy for my kids to talk to me.” I scoff. “I never wanted him or Mesa to be afraid to come to me with stuff like this, y’know?”

She sends me a look, moving to sit by my side. “It’s not like that at all. Coming out would be hard for anyone! Especially for a teenager. I wouldn’t read too much into it, bub. You have a great relationship with Phoenix.”

“I just want him to be happy, y’know? I don’t like the idea that he had to hide himself for so many years. His brother was going out and hanging out with his girlfriend, he even brought her to our wedding, but his brother couldn’t do that because he thought we wouldn’t accept him- it breaks my heart, darlin’.”

“Babe,” Dakota sighs, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. “He’s out now, he’s going to be happy now that he has that freedom. That’s what we have to focus on.”

I nod, trying to make myself feel better about the fact that I didn’t pick up on this sooner- I didn’t notice my youngest was gay because I was so focused on my oldest and how I’d hurt him. It’s not even the gay part that matters, it’s that I could have helped Phoenix not feel like he was being locked away in a closet for the past couple of years of his life. He had a boyfriend and I didn’t know about it- that’s the type of thing you want to know about your kid.

I never thought I wouldn’t be able to handle having more than one kid. It’s not like it is with Sunny, the boys know she needs more attention right now and they’re okay with that because I need to let go of them a little in order for them to become adults- they appreciate that. The age thing helps, but when you have twins that are both going through stuff at the same time, you have to be there for the both of them, no matter what. So that’s where I feel I messed up. I tell this to Dakota and she nods understandingly.

“I’m not going to tell you that you’re being stupid, because you’re not and I understand where you’re coming from. I’ve been so wrapped up in our little girl that I didn’t notice the signs- you always hear how the parents always know, y’know? I’m his- I’m around him so much that I should have noticed the signs.”

I look over at her. “You were going to say mom, weren’t you?”

“Shut up,” she whines, covering my face with her hands.

“No it’s cute!” I chuckle, kissing her cheek. “I love when you get all maternal.” I murmur against her smooth skin.

Dakota rolls her eyes. “I love it when you get the baby in the middle of the night.”

“I love it when you- wait are we really doing this?” I laugh. “We are so middle-aged.”

She lets out a laugh. “It’s all you,”

“Guys,”

We look up to see Phoenix standing in the doorway with Jaxon by his side, only this time they’re holding hands and he’s no longer my sons’ childhood best friend- they’re actually together.

“This is Jaxon, my boyfriend.”

I stand up and pull Jaxon in for a hug. “I’m happy for you, kid.”

“You’re not mad?” Jaxon mumbles. “That we didn’t tell you?”

“Of course not! I don’t want you to ever feel uncomfortable around here- Dakota and I are so happy for you guys.” I tell him, pulling away to give him a look so he knows I mean it.

“Thanks John. It means a lot.” He smiles.

“Do your parents know?” Dakota asks as she wraps an arm around Phoenix. “What did they say?”

“My mom says she’s always known,” Jaxon laughs awkwardly. “My dad…he says he’s okay with it but he’s still trying to find a way to adapt to it. He’d probably rather I’m not, but I can’t really do much about that.”

My heart breaks for the kid as he tries to shake it off. No kid should go through that.
“You don’t need to do anything about it,” I tell him, “there’s nothing wrong with who you are, he needs to realise that.”

Phoenix puts an arm around his waist and leans into him. “So now that this is out of the way, we’re gonna go- “

“Oh, just because you’re eighteen it doesn’t mean I’m going to treat you any differently than to how I treated your brother when he started dating- no closed doors and sleepovers take place in different rooms, understand?” I tell them both, crossing my arms over my chest.

Phoenix rolls his eyes and nods as he drags Jaxon out of the room. “It’s not like we can get pregnant!”

“Phoenix!”

Later on that evening, once everyone has gone to bed (including Phoenix and Jaxon, in separate rooms), I wait up in the kitchen on my laptop, going through multiple emails I’d put off over the past couple of months. I sip on my coffee and enjoy the peace and quiet that I hardly get to myself anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I love how active Sunny makes me, but sometimes the alone time and the relaxation is hard to come by, so I take advantage of every second of it.

The front door opens and the only one who isn’t home is Mesa, so I’m not surprised when he shows up in the kitchen a minute later. Setting his 8123 duffle bag on the bench, he gives me a nod and heads for the fridge.

“You have a good time at your moms?” I ask, looking back to my emails.

“Yeah it was alright,” he mumbles.

“So Phoenix came out today.”

“What, out of his room?”

“He told us about him and Jaxon.”

Mesa straightens up, looking over at me. He narrows his eyes. “What did you say to him?”

“That we love him, of course. We don’t have a problem with it.” I shrug. “I was surprised but it’s not a
big deal if he doesn’t want it to be.”

Mesa nods, looking away. “Good.”

“So how did you find out- “

“Are we really having a conversation about Phoenix or are you using him as a topic to talk to me about?” Mesa sighs, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge. “Because it’s late and I’d rather just go to bed.”

“Mesa- “

“I’m happy for him, okay? Of course I am, he’s my little brother and he’s finally out and he’s free- but that doesn’t you and me- stop trying to force me into something I don’t want- you said you’d never do that.” He snaps before heading for the door.

“I don’t want to be like this anymore, Mes. It’s killing me- you hating me is killing me.” I should just come out and say it. What else have I got to lose if my own son can’t stand me?

He stops and turns to me with nothing left in his eyes.

“What else, you feel alone? You feel abandoned? Yeah, me too, pops.”