Parts of Me

“Dude, I need you to do this for me. Please.”

“But it’s so lame!”

I roll my eyes at my supposedly best friend. “You’re supposed to be Mesa’s godfather.”

“Correction, I’m the back up godfather- Tim is Mesa’s and Jared is Phoenix’s. I’m the back up.” Eric scoffs bitterly, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Well you’re hardly here, do you blame me?” I mumble as I enter the living room and hand him Mesa. He takes the kid willingly- he really is a great back-up-godfather; I feel kinda bad for not making him an official one, but there are only so many godfathers a kid can have.

“Excuse me for moving to LA for my career.” He mutters back.

“Anyway,” I interrupt, going back to the kitchen to retrieve Phoenix. “There’ll probably be a lot of other dads there too. They just call it ‘mommy and me’ because it’s typically a women’s class.”

“You think there’ll be a mommy for me?” Eric asks Mesa, who just looks at him before reaching out to touch his face.

“It is not a class for you to hook up with other moms.” I scoff, lifting Phoenix onto my hip and bringing him back into the room. “Now get off your ass, we’re going to be late.”

The entire trip there I was a nervous wreck. I’d been to this class once before, and it was a class you go to before the baby is due so you’re prepared for the labour and the delivery. The boys’ mom actually made quite a few friends with some of the other pregnant women and they kept in touch (before she left) quite a bit. Having to face them again and explain that she’s no longer in the picture is not something I’m looking forward to.

Eric seemed to pick up on this before I even made it to the truck and insisted on driving us there. I didn’t fight him on it.

“Y’know, you don’t have to be so nervous, dude.” He pipes up as we roll down the warm Arizona roads.

“I’m not nervous,” I mumble, playing with the loose thread on my pants. I’d opted against wearing my holey jeans today- my attempt at looking like I have my life somewhat together.

“Yeah, you are,” Eric chuckles, shooting me a knowing look. “Look, if any of those moms ask you about Em-“

“Don’t say her name.”

“If any of those moms ask you about the cruel evil b-i-t-c-h, you don’t have to answer them. It’s none of their business and as your secret gay lover that we all know they’ll pin me as, I’ve got your back the whole time man.” He assures, patting my shoulder.

I sigh, running a hand through my hair. “I know I don’t have to tell them, but they’re going to want to know what happened to her- hell I don’t even know what happened. One day she was here, the next she was gone.”

“She ever answer her phone?” Eric mumbles, looking over at me.

I shake my head firmly. “Not once. She changed her number two weeks after the boys were born. I’ve been trying to get in contact with her obviously, but even her parents don’t know where she is.”

I still can’t comprehend how easy it was for her to walk out on the three of us, how easy it was for her to leave her kids. I get that becoming a parent can be the scariest shit imaginable, but if I’m managing to do it, she of all people should be able to stick around and do it too. We were a team, we had been since the first date. I thought we could handle this.

“D’you worry about her?” Eric asks curiously.

I shrug, not knowing how to correctly answer that question. “Of course I do. I have no idea where she is- all I got was ‘I can’t do this’ scribbled on a f-u-c-k-i-n-g napkin. But at the same time the hate I have for her kind of over powers any other possible emotion.”

“It’s only been two months- nobody would be expecting you to feel any different,” Eric points out as we pull into the familiar street. “Hell if it was me I’d probably have gone on a drunken rampage.”

“Oh I was close,” I scoff, shaking my head. “But it turns out the boys fall asleep to Tom Petty so I don’t mind sticking around.”

“Yeah they’re not too rough looking either.” Eric teases, his way of tying up the conversation. We don’t need to say a lot to understand each other- I know he gets it and he knows he doesn’t have to ask a lot of questions or act as my therapist. I know him; he’s my best friend.

I wish I could say the same for her.

***

“Alright everybody! It’s music time! Let’s end the class with some dancing!”

Eric looks over at me with a ‘get me the fuck out of here’ look and I can’t help but return it. To say we’ve been uncomfortable throughout the class would be an understatement. The second we entered the room, we got a few looks here and there and I’m positive that I’ve heard the word ‘gay’ and ‘affair’ on the lips of a few mothers in the group. Apparently Eric was right- we were officially the gay couple of the class.

I didn’t really care what they all thought because I knew I wouldn’t be coming back to the class, but it angered me that they had the audacity to spread rumours that I was the reason for her not being here.
These women were a lot kinder when she was here and I felt bad for Eric, whose been backhanding evil bitch looks and whispers the whole session. But it didn’t help that he grabbed my ass a couple times to milk out the situation.

As soon as the class is over we flee for the doors to get the hell out of there. But of course, I’m not quick enough and am stopped by at least three women, all of them bouncing their infant children on their hips. I just want to say, that I don’t think kids are ‘ugly’, but they’ve got some weird looking-

“So John! Where’s Emily? We haven’t seen her at any of the other classes!” The blonde one asks with just a little too much enthusiasm. Straight out my heart pangs at the question. I wince at her name; I wasn’t ready to hear it just yet.

“She uh, she couldn’t make it,” I lie- well, technically it’s the truth. “My friend Eric-“

“Where is she?” Her friend pushes, her child looking at me with its beady little eyes. “We’ve been dying to see her!”

“Well we…she’s not really in the picture at the moment,” I explain, rubbing the back of my neck as I look down at Phoenix in my arms. He’s beginning to get fussy and I honestly think it’s because he can sense the bitchiness coming from this mom-squad. “It’s just me and the boys. Eric is my-“

“What do you mean not in the picture? Where is she? Don’t tell me she left you, that’s horrible! What happened? You can tell us!”

“She’s not-“

“Aw, did you two separate?”

“No we weren’t married-“

“Did she leave because of your boyfriend?”

The questions are all too much and I think somehow the intensity in their voices is frightening to Phoenix because within seconds he starts crying but that doesn’t stop them. They continue to throw their invasive questions my way, asking all about the whereabouts of the mother of my boys. These women have no boundaries and ask all of the questions imaginable, even managing to throw in the odd homophobic comment or shit-talking my ability to parent on my own.

I try to rock Phoenix in my arms as I attempt put an end to all of their bullshit. “What happened with Emily is none of your business and you’re bat shit crazy if you think I’m going to let you in on our private life!” I spit with haste. “I’m a perfectly capable parent and if you haven’t freaking realized, you’re scaring my son with all of your bullshit questions!”

My outburst silences the entire room and only the sound of Phoenix’s cries can be heard. The teacher of the class points to the door and I roll my eyes.

“Yeah, don’t worry- you won’t be seeing us again!” I snap, before making a real exit out of there.

When we leave the building, Eric is strapping Mesa into the back of the truck.

“Woa, you alright man?” He asks, eyes wide as I place Phoenix into his seat.

“It’s those f-u-c-k-i-n-g moms with all their f-u-c-k-i-n-g questions about her.” I snap, grabbing Phoenix’s bottle and handing it to him. I caress his head to calm him down while he drinks his milk.

Eric winces. “They give you a hard time?”

I shrug, looking down at my sons. “It’s whatever.”

He sighs. “Dude, they don’t know s-h-i-t about anything. Their heads are shoved so far up their a-s-s-e-s I wouldn’t worry about what they think.”

“It’s not that,” I sigh, running a hand through my too-long hair. I look up at him. “I think they’re right. These kids need a mom- I can’t be a mom and a dad.”

“Dude you’re a f-u-c-k-i-n-g great dad, you’re good enough to raise these two on your own and you’re only going to get better. You shouldn’t be beating yourself up over what those b-i-t-c-h-e-s are saying. They know nothing.” Eric states, like the good friend he is. “Plus, this is 2015, two-dad-families are just as successful as heterosexual families.”

I let out a laugh. “Halvorsen, we are a completely heterosexual two-dad-family.”

He closes the door and comes around to meet me on Phoenix’s side. “Are you going to be okay? Because I’ll stay in town as long as you need me to, man.”

“I’ll be fine,” I sigh, nodding slowly. “I need to learn how to do this on my own. They’re my responsibility, man.”

“I know, I know, but you’re not alone just because she’s gone. You’ve still got all of us.” He nods.

“I appreciate it,” I mumble, taking the empty bottle from my son before closing his door once checking again that they’re safely secured in their seats. “I do, man. I’ll be fine.”
“Alright. Hey the b-i-t-c-h-e-s are coming, should we make out?”

By the time I get the boys home and Eric drives to Tim’s, I’m exhausted. I get the boys inside and set them on the ground on the colourful mat she got them for playtime. I lie down on the floor beside them and watch them with my head in my hands. Could I really do this on my own? Could I really raise two kids and still handle the band? Could I even tour with them? Could I take them to school each day and take care of all of the other parent stuff with out her here?
I really don’t know.

Maybe those b-i-t-c-h-e-s were right, even though I hate to admit it.
Maybe spelling curse words instead of saying them in front of Phoenix and Mesa isn’t going to make a difference and I’m destined to f-u-c-k up their lives. Maybe we were doomed for failure and a s-h-i-t-t-y life.

Mesa crawls over to me and rests his head on my stomach. I look down at him and feel the tears pool in my eyes. I’ve shed a lot of tears since coming back home and it’s not something I’m proud of. These two little guys have softened me up the past two months- they’ve changed me more than they’ll ever know- but maybe I need that.

I pull him onto my chest as Phoenix crawls over and buries himself into my side. I just need to hold them, feel them near me and it makes me a little more okay with myself.

“You think we’ll be okay?” I whisper, my lips moving against Mesa’s cheek.

He stirs a little bit, resting his face against mine.

“I don’t know kid, I think it’s gonna be tough but I think we can do it.” I mumble, reaching down to hold Phoenix against my side. “You guys have to stick by me though, you’re all I’ve got these days.”

I look down at them as their eyes close simultaneously. I couldn’t let those women brainwash me into doing a bad job with these two- I’m all they’ve really got- I can’t afford to ‘fail’ them. I have to protect them and I have to support them. It’s not going to be easy (it never is) but I have no choice but to try.
After all they’ve been through, they deserve the best that I can give them and I’ll do whatever it takes, even if it kills me.