Parts of Me

“Daddy! Daddy I want to go first!”

I groan dramatically as I pick Mesa up and carry him to the piano across the other side of the stage.
“Phoenix you wait there, don’t move,” I say firmly as my youngest son watches me with wide eyes beside Pat’s drum riser. Phoenix has a knack for knocking things over and tripping on things.

He nods ferociously, his light curly hair falling into his eyes. “Yes dada.”

I sit down on the piano bench with Mesa on my lap, allowing him to reach the keys and play to his hearts’ content.

“Daddy I’m playing!” He squeals, clapping his hands together in excitement.

“Yeah bud,” I chuckle, pushing his hands back down to the ivory keys. “The idea is to keep going.”

Mesa blushes and does as I say, playing what I’ve been teaching him the past couple of weeks we’ve been on the road.

“That’s it, kiddo,” I nod, a proud smile on my lips. “You got it.”

He plays for a few more minutes and it’s not until I hear a little sigh from behind me that I look over at Phoenix, who is now sitting on Pat’s stool, looking at his hands with a sad expression across his face.

I frown. “Phoenix what’s wrong?”

He looks up, startled by my voice. “N-n-nothing.”

I sigh; standing and placing Mesa back down on the bench before making my way to Phoenix. I crouch down in front of him and wince as I hear my thirty-year-old bones crack beneath me. “Come on, you can tell me anything.”

Tilting his chin upwards, I make eye contact with him and he keeps it with me. His little eyes are glassy and I feel kind of bad. “I-I-I can’t play.” He says quietly.

“The piano?”

Phoenix nods, dropping his head into his hands.

“That’s okay,” I chuckle, “you’re only three. You’ve got the rest of your life to learn.”

“But Mesey!” He exclaims suddenly, pointing at his brother.

“Phe, use your words,” I encourage slowly, “talk to daddy.”

Phoenix takes a deep breath and starts again, taking his time. “Mesey…can.”

“Can what?” I push, even though I know what he’s saying. Me pushing him to finish his sentences is going to help him develop his speech so it’s something I’ve been getting everyone that speaks to him to do also. Sometimes I hear Pat and Phoenix talking and I can hardly hear Pat stuttering. They’re really close those too, I know Phoenix really looks up to him.

“Play pliano.”

“Piano,” I annunciate for him, and he nods to confirm. He’s a lot slower with his speech than Mesa but it’s completely normal in twins for one to develop before the other. It didn’t bother me; he’s developing on his own and that’s perfectly fine. “So? Mesa can do a lot of things that you can’t, just like you can do a lot of things that he can’t. It’s normal bub. Plus, you might not want to do piano, you could play the drums like Uncle Pat.”

He seems to like this idea and quickly a smile grows on his lips. “Okay.” He beams, nodding quickly. “I like drums b-better.”

“Alright, daddy will ask Uncle Pat later. Are you going to be okay?” I ask softly, rubbing his shoulder.

“Yes dada,” Phoenix giggles, collapsing onto me and wrapping his arms around my neck. “Hungry.”
Too easy.

“Alright,” I chuckle as I stand up with him in my arms. “Let’s get some food into that hungry belly of yours.” I tell him as I poke him in the belly. He squeals and attacks my face with little kisses as I cross the stage to retrieve the other wavy haired mop. “Come on Mesa, we’re going to get lunch.” I tell him, holding out my free hand.

“Yay!”

Like I said, too easy.

***

We get back to the bus at five thirty, back in time to get ready for the show at seven. Back in the days before these two, I’d need twenty minutes to get ready for the show, but these days I need at least an hour (or two) to firstly catch the boys and get them changed. It’s a lot harder when there’s two of them running around.

“Mesa,” I sigh, as he runs right into Jared. “Be careful.”

Jared lets out a laugh as he reaches down to lift Mesa into his arms. “No way, you’re gonna be one of America’s best football players, right? Team captain of the Cardinals.”

Mesa nods with a giggle as he strangles Jared with a hug. “Yes! I’m quick!”

“Yeah so is your old man,” Garrett smirks as he squeezes past, not quick enough for him to miss a slap up the back of the head from yours truly.

“Not in front of the kid-hey, I am not!” I snap, as soon as I realise what he means. “F-u-c-k you, man.”

“Hey, the boys can spell.” Ashley scolds, sending us both a disapproving look.

“Daddy what does f-c-u-k-k mean?” Phoenix asks quietly, tugging on the leg of my trousers.

“Yeah daddy, what does it mean?” Garrett smirks, like the asshole he is.

I roll my eyes and Phoenix back into my arms. “Nothing that you need to worry about. How about we get you changed and out of this dirty t-shirt, huh?”

Phoenix pulls a face before falling limp in my arms. It’s something he picked up when Tim was training one of the dogs to ‘play dead’. Phoenix started copying the canine and dropped down onto the floor beside him, the guys find it hilarious, but now I have a child that likes to ‘play dead’ whenever there’s something he doesn’t want to face.

“Phoenix!” I whine, carrying him down the hall to where his and Mesa’s bunk was located. Seeing as they’re so small, they can afford to share a bunk without getting squished. They usually like to sleep up either ends but by morning they always seem to make it to one end or meet in the middle. The two of them are really close and do everything together; I hope it’s a bond that they’ll carry to their final days, long after I’m gone.

“I don’t wanna get changed!” My youngest complains as I sit him in his bunk above mine.

“Too bad, we need to get ready and you’re not going to make everybody late, understand?” I tell him firmly. They’re good kids, but they’re still three year olds so it’s in their blood to want to give me hell every now and then.

Phoenix gives me a mean pout, followed by a dramatic you’re-the-meanest-person-in-the-world nod. I’m used to it by now, shrugging it off as I pull his shirt over his head and hand him a fresh one. Have I mentioned how independent three year olds like to be? We’re not at the shoe-tying stage yet, but we sure are at the ‘I can dress myself’ stage.

We’re also out of the onesie stage which kind of sucks because I fucking loved them in onsies; convenient and visually pleasing. Just the way I liked my kids.

“Alright, you’re all done kiddo.” I nod, lifting him down onto the ground. “No running on the bus.”

He pokes his tongue at me before skipping away, out of my sight. I roll my eyes and call for my other son, who comes barrelling down the hall, almost colliding with his brother, Kennedy and myself. Mesa stumbles over his feet at the last minute but I manage to catch him just before he stacks it in my shins, saving both of us from the pain.

“This is why you don’t run!” I scold, lifting him onto his bunk where his brother sat just moments before.

“Uncle Jared said I’m good runner!” Mesa claims firmly, pointing down the hall.

“Hey don’t blame me!” Jared calls back.

“You said!” Mesa yells in response, leaning a little too far forward to the point where he almost falls out of his bunk.

“Mesa, you’re going to hurt yourself one day and I’m not going to be there to save you.” I tell him firmly as I pushing him back into the bunk. “Jared man, you’re not helping the ADD!”

“I think he gets it from his father!”

Honestly there is no difference between a three year old and a thirty year old.

***

By the time the show is over and the boys and I are finished meeting all of the fans that waited after the show, it’s just gone one am but none of us are tired yet.

“What do you say we go grab a beer before bus call?” Jared suggests. “Eric just made it into Florida.”

“Lucky bastard, bus call is at five.” Garrett laughs.

“I could use a beer after that show.” Kennedy states, wiping his face on the back of his arm.

“Yeah let me check on the boys and change my shirt,” I nod in agreement. “I’m dying for a beer.”

“Oh Mr Daddy-Daycare is off duty is he?” Peter teases, draping an arm around my shoulders. The guys like to tease me about how paternal I get, but at the end of the day I know they’re all supportive and damn well proud (if I do say so myself) for keeping it all together the past three years. It hasn’t been easy the whole time, but I’ve come this far and I’m not determined to give up now.

“He is, hence the need for the beer, asshole.” I chuckle as we make it onto the bus.

“Shh!” Ashley hushes us as we get onto the bus, holding a finger to her lips. “I only just got Phoenix to go to sleep, Mesa was out like a light.” She whispers as I make my way down the narrow hall to their bunk while the guys all change.

“Thanks so much, Ash,” I whisper back, peeking into their bunk to see the two of them at their respective ends with their matching toy giraffes in hand- Mesa’s is missing an eye, that’s how we tell them apart. Thank god he started teething before Phoenix. “I hope they didn’t give you too much hell.”

“No it was good,” she murmurs with a smile before glancing over at Tim. “The last hour while you guys were just outside gave him a little time to practice. It was hectic but he should have the experience, y’know?”

A small smile tugs at my lips. “I can’t believe you guys are finally having a baby.”

“I know, it’s about damn time.” She chuckles softly. “Anyway, I’m exhausted. Are you boys going out?”

“Just to the bar, but if one of them gets up or calls for me just shoot me a text and I’ll be right back- we’re only going to be down the road.” I tell her as I look for a new t-shirt, one that doesn’t smell as bad as the one I’m currently wearing.

“Will do, just make sure Halvo doesn’t get drunk and wake the boys up- then I’ll be pissed.” She warns.

I nod. “Got it.”

Soon enough the guys and I leave the bus and make our way down to the bar. There are only a few of us going out tonight, but we’re currently more than halfway through the tour, so it makes sense that some people are a little tired. I however, needed a little break from rushing back to the bus each night for bedtime stories and lullabies.

We spot Halvo outside and he greets us all with loud, obnoxious hugs in typical Halvorsen fashion.

“Hey asshole, where are my boys? Never too early to teach them how to handle their liquor!” Eric jokes as we walk inside the bar.

“Not even funny, they’re in bed.” I scoff, rolling my eyes.

“Sleeping off hangovers, of course.” Garrett throws in, causing the guys to laugh. I can’t help but join in.

“So they’re all good?” Eric asks as we order a few drinks and take over a table in the back.

I nod. “Very good. We’re all good.”

“I’m guessing the Kirch’s are babysitting tonight?” He asks, looking around the table and noticing the absence of Tim and Ashley.

“Ash can’t drink and she’s got Tim sworn off of alcohol for the last four months. Totally has his man card.” Garrett smirks like the little jerk he is.

“If I don’t recall, you and Falyn just moved into your own place with a pink Christmas tree. Where’s yours?” Eric retorts quickly. He’s an insult machine and you’d be stupid to go up against him, really.

“Hey, we have a fucking Jacuzzi, my man card is well in tact.” Garrett throws back. “I see there’s no woman in your life to take yours, still.”

Eric rolls his eyes and sits back in his chair. “Well boys, I actually have news for you all.”

“Oh shit you found someone.” I mumble, my eyes wide.

He throws his usual smirk at us and nods. “Her name is Leah. We met at LAX; you know when I came down to Arizona two months? Turns out she was going home because she lives in Tempe. We kept in touch and now that I’m moving back home, we’ll be able to see each other a lot more.”

“Wait, you’re moving back home?” Jared asks, surprised.

Eric nods and there’s something new in his eyes when Jared mentions the word ‘home’. I know my best friend and I can read him like a book; he’s moving back home for this girl. He’s in love.

“That’s fucking great, man.” I chuckle, giving him a nod.

“You bet it f-u-c-k-i-fuck you’ve given me the worst habit, dude.” He laughs, shaking his head. “But yeah, I’m stoked.”

And he is, I can really tell. Good things are happening for my friends and I’m happy for them. Sometimes it’s a little bittersweet that their lives are working out more accurately to how they planned whereas mine seemed to go off of the fucking rails three years ago, but I’m getting over that. I’d say almost one hundred percent over that. I’m happy for them all.

Tim’s having a baby, Garrett’s one step closer to actually getting the guts to propose, Jared’s already engaged (did I mention that?) and my once immature best friend is finally growing up and looking to settle down.

They’re moving on with a girl right beside them. I’m raising two three-year-old boys by myself. I’m totally happy for all of them.

As if he can read my mind, Eric speaks up on the matter.

“So what about you, Johno?” He prompts, drawing all attention to me. Oh god. Here we go. Let’s all laugh at my stale sex life. “You found a girl yet?”

“I believe you asked me this two months ago.” I state, rolling my eyes. “Answer hasn’t changed, believe it or not.”

“What, no banging the nanny?”

“The nanny is pregnant,” Pat pipes up, “and married to my brother.”

“Oh, right,” Eric nods, before turning back to me. “Really? You’ve met nobody?’

Y’know it’s kind of embarrassing when your big mouth best friend decides to talk up your loneliness in front of the rest of your group.

“No, because in case you’ve forgotten, single dad, two moody under fives needing constant attention, oh and this whole career thing.” I scoff, taking a large sip of my drink. “I just don’t have the time.”

“You’ve been saying that for three years,” Eric points out. “I think you’re putting it off because you think Emily is going to come back and accuse you of cheating.”

The table falls silent at his words. I’m still not fond of discussing my ex-girlfriend even though it’s been three years since I’ve seen her. She’s not a missing person because she’s been in touch with her parents apparently. They’ve not said one word to my family so the worry never really goes away that she’s doing okay.

Anyway, I’m over the ‘it hurts to say her name’ stage, but I’m still bitter over her walking out on everything that we were supposed to be, and although he’s my best friend, Eric should know better than to be so blatantly honest in front of our friends. Even if he’s one hundred percent right.

“Well I can’t be perfect all of the time.”

The night carries on and we’re only out for a few hours before we head back to the buses; myself and Eric falling behind the group. The topic was shortly changed after his statement and we moved on to a not so morbidly exhausting subject. But, I felt there was a bit of tension between us the rest of the night.

I guess this is where we talk about it.

“Hey you want a cigarette?” He offers, taking out a pack.

“No, I quit dude.” I frown, knowing that he knew that.

“Yeah I know, these are e-cigs. I’m trying to quit too.” He mumbles, putting one in his mouth and returning the pack to his pocket. “Anyway, I’m sorry about before.”

I wave it off, knowing he didn’t mean it venomously. “Nah you’re fine.”

“No, I’m not,” he chuckles, shaking his head. “That was out of line of me. I just got so caught up with how Leah and I were going; I wanted that for you too. I guess I just didn’t realise how different our situations were. You wouldn’t just be balancing kids a career and a girl, you’re still getting over her.”

I sigh as we stop at the bus, the rest of the guys already on. “I’m not…I’m not still in love with her, if that’s what you mean. I mean a tiny part of me does still have those feelings for her, but it’s mostly just anger and confusion. I feel like I don’t know her like I thought I did.”

Eric nods understandingly. “That makes sense dude, of course it does. I just know that it took a lot for you to get used to the idea of dating Emily after being single for so long, I don’t want you to put off finding someone again because you think they’re going to do what she did to you.”

“Honestly, I think I’m just not ready to start seeing somebody just yet,” I finally admit, running a hand through my hair. “Maybe give it another year or two. Right now I’m happy with the boys and getting the band back on track. I feel good right now, man. I’m good.”

He gives me a reassuring smile, patting my shoulder. “That’s good to hear, dude. As long as you’re happy.”

“I am.” I nod. “The boys are good, so I’m good. Speaking of, I’m gonna go check on them.” I tell him before heading to the door. “Thanks for tonight, dude.”

“Hey John?”

I stop and turn to him. “Yeah man?”

“I uh, I’m…we don’t really do this, but I’m p-r-o-u-d of you. You’re a good dad.” He mumbles, before turning away quickly.

I can’t help but laugh. “Thanks dude, I’m glad you found a girl that knows how to bring you back home. That’s important.”

“Thanks,” he nods slowly, letting my words sink in. “Now go check on those little boogers. We’ll go to a sports bar tomorrow or something, watch a little football to regain our manliness.”

“Definitely. Night Halvo.”

“Night man.”

I had inside to find the bus quiet. The door to the lounge is closed, meaning Tim and Ashley must be
asleep. It makes sense, she’s five months pregnant and he’s been overworking himself to the point of exhaustion. I check on the boys and can’t help but smile, as they now lay beside each other, sound asleep and completely peaceful.

I’m happy.