Parts of Me

It’s the last day of tour. Thank god. Our last show of the tour last night was incredible- we played to a sold out venue of over three thousand people and every single one of them was singing along to every song we performed- the whole tour has been like that, which has definitely made us feel a lot better about coming back after a three and a half year break.

We were doing really well.

So to celebrate the huge success of the tour, our whole crew is out for lunch to celebrate. We’ve had to pull a few tables together but we managed to fit everyone in, even if it was a tight squeeze- we’re a close group so we don’t care.

I’ve got one of the boys on my lap (judging by the wavy mop, it’s Mesa), as does Kennedy who sits beside me, our way of saving chairs. Unfortunately they’re too big for high chairs, but they’re still managing to have their own little conversation, whispering in the other’s ear every five seconds as they look around the busy restaurant.

“Hey, eat your lunch.” I mumble in Mesa’s ear.

He pulls a face at me and reaches for a French fry on my plate instead of the plate I got for him and his brother. They insisted on fries and pizza squares, so I got them a plate to share because they’re not big eaters unless they’re really in the mood to eat. They’ve hardly touched their food, insisting on eating both Kennedy’s and mine.

“Phoenix, eat your own food, please.” I murmur as I lean over to my youngest son. “Stop stealing from Uncle Kenny, he’ll bite your hand off.”

“No!” Phoenix giggles, covering his face and falling back against Kennedy, who just laughs. I’m really lucky the guys all love the boys enough to play along with their little games.

“Yeah kid, you’ll be Mr No-Hands by the time lunch is over. I might just eat your pizza too, so you better get those first.” Kennedy chuckles.

Somehow that pushes the boys to start snacking on their own lunch and I make a mental note to try that again next time they don’t want to eat.

“Thanks,” I laugh as I sip my beer.

“I’m totally beating Halvorsen as heterosexual dad number two, right?” Kennedy jokes.

“Without a doubt.”

“So guys, I just want to make a toast,” Moose announces as he raises his glass to the table. Everybody else follows suit, with Mesa and Phoenix raising their hands because their beers aren’t here yet (I kid, I kid). “This tour has been so anticipated since you guys announced it and Timothy and I almost couldn’t believe how fast you all sold it out.”

“That’s true, I figured The Maine was in the s-h-i-t for sure after such a long break.” Tim chuckles.
Luckily the boys haven’t really mastered spelling as much as Ash likes to think she’s taught them.

“But,” Moose interrupts, “we’ve always had faith in all of ya’ll and 8123, so I think we all knew we’d come back with a band. That being said, here’s to what’s been our best tour to date and to many more after this!”

“To 8123!”

We all chug our drinks in typical 8123 fashion and give a cheer before settling back down over a few
good tour stories. It really is crazy to think we’ve been keeping the 8123 dream alive for so long. Now into our late twenties and early thirties, the dream is stronger than ever. It really does feel great to be in this with all of your best friends, sharing the same aspirations.
I look down at the boys and find them whispering to each other yet again.

“What are you two mumbling about down here?” I ask, leaning down to them, automatically breaking up their little chitchat.

They look up at me, back to each other, around the restaurant then back to me.

“What?” I ask, raising an eyebrow.

“Daddy…” Mesa drags out, tugging on my shirt.

“What is it bub?” I murmur, pushing his hair out of his eyes.

“Why don’t we have a mommy?”

The question comes in at the worst time –a break in just about everybody else’s conversation. I really do have the worst luck with these sorts of things. I feel eyes on me as I try to come up with the best possible answer on the spot.

There is none, of course.

“We can talk about that later, eat your lunch.” I mumble, nodding towards the plate in front of them. “Come on, both of you.”

“But daddy all the other kids here have mommies and daddies.” Phoenix states, “Why do we only have you?”

The words hurt a little more than they’re supposed to but I push them aside. “Phoenix, eat your lunch. Now.”

They do as I say and I look up at everyone who has subtly tried to listen in on my conversation. I receive the same look from all of them before they go back to their conversations. I sigh and run a hand through my hair; I knew this day was coming and I had to give them some sort of answer so they weren’t confused. I know they’re only three, but my casual therapist said it would be natural for them to ask at a young age. I guess them seeing ‘normally structured’ families are what set off the questions. I decide that I’ll tell them tonight before making my way back into a conversation with the guys to take my mind off of it.

“You okay?” Jared mumbles from my other side.

“Fine.” I nod quietly.

He nods and drops it. Sometimes that’s all I need.

***

“Daddy…I don’t wanna go to bed…” Phoenix whines, as he tugs on the lack of my sweatpants. Tim and Ashley flew out after lunch because of a doctor’s appointment the next morning so for the last night on tour the boys and I got to occupy the back lounge that we’d turned into a more comfortable bedroom, originally for Ashley (and the boys while she babysat) while she was on tour.

But that doesn’t mean they were much more excited about actually going to sleep.

“Too bad. You can have your milk first but then you’re going to bed- Phoenix let go of my pants.” I tell him firmly, prying his hands away from me. All afternoon the two of them have made it their job to make things harder for me, ever since I avoided their question in front of everybody at lunch.

“I don’t want milk! Milk is for babies!” Mesa whines loudly as he climbs onto the couch beside Eric.
Eric’s eyes widen as he puts the glass of milk in his hand on the ledge, out of Mesa’s eyesight.

“Mesa, don’t start.” I warn him, sending him my ‘no-shit’ look. I wasn’t taking any of it tonight, that’s for sure.

He gives me his best pout while his little brother continues to cling to my leg.

“F-u-c-k-i-n-g nightmares, I swear to god.” I mumble under my breath as the microwave goes off. I grab their bottles and throw one to Eric, who has no problem pulling Mesa into his lap and feeding it to him. The boys really enjoy their milk before bed, which the doctor says is good for their bones and that when they get older I should sway them onto cold milk to continue the good habit. Countless time the guys have had to feed one of them while I do the other; it’s just how you raise two little kids amongst a band, they instantly get like, extra dads.

“C’mere you little nutcase,” Eric sighs, relaxing into the couch as he hands Mesa the bottle. “Dude this is so relaxing.”

“Not disagreeing with you there.” Jared nods form beside him.

I lift Phoenix onto the bench in front of me and hand him his bottle. “Go on.”

He pouts at me before making grabby hands. I sigh and lift him into my arms, holding him close to my chest before doing it for him. Sometimes, as much as they insist that they’re ‘big boys’ I think they just like to be held like they’re little again. I don’t mind; it stops them from growing up faster.
Moving around the tiny kitchen, I rock Phoenix in my arms while he drinks from his bottle. There’s no way I trust them with open cups just yet.

It really is incredibly relaxing to do before you go to bed. It’s a routine that’s supposed to help the two of them go to bed easier but the calming vibe I think is going to put all of us to bed.
Phoenix gets to the end of his bottle just as Mesa does, so I get them to say goodnight to the guys before helping them brush their teeth. They’re barely standing as they stand in front of the mirror, brushing their teeth in a tired fashion.
I sit behind them on the edge of the bath, watching as they sway from side to side. “Almost done boys.” I murmur quietly.

Phoenix has Spiderman all over his pajamas while Mesa has Star Wars. Garrett couldn’t be prouder (I personally think he forces the two to watch those movies whenever he and Falyn babysit). Being twins they’re so alike each other, yet they’re so different. Mesa is definitely the louder of the two, while Phoenix is happy just following him around and agreeing with everything he says, like little brothers often do. I have a feeling that when they’re older they’re going to be very close. They’ll be their own people, but they’ve got a special bond between them, that goes further than just being twins. They really are each other’s best friends and I can rely on that because it means they’ll always have each other, through everything.

“I’m finished dada,” Mesa tells me, turning to me with a mouth full of toothpaste spit. I wince and stand, lifting him to the sink so he can rinse his mouth out. I do the same with Phoenix before they run down to the end of the bus, waiting patiently for me so they can press the button to close the door behind me. We climb onto the bed (something they like to do by themselves) and immerse ourselves under the covers, Phoenix in the middle like always.

I prop myself up on my elbow and look down at them. “Boys? Daddy…daddy’s sorry for snapping at you at lunch today.”

They look up at me, like the most innocent little creatures. Emily sure is missing out on the best kind of life.

“Why don’t we have a mommy?” Mesa asks, turning over to face me. He rests his head on Phoenix’s belly and he doesn’t seem to mind. I guess they hadn’t dropped the question.

I sigh, pushing a hand through my hair. “Boys, not all families have a mommy. You do have a mom, but she’s just not around.”

They look at me in confusion. “Where is she?” Mesa pushes. “Why isn’t she here?”

Because she ‘couldn’t do it’.

“I don’t know bub, she just chose not to be, shortly after you were born mommy left and now its just daddy. Sometimes that happens, sometimes it’s the daddy who goes and sometimes both mommy and daddy stay- or you have two daddies or two mommies. Everybody’s family is different bub, this just happens to be ours.”

“Are you going to leave too?” Phoenix asks quietly, digging his fingers into my arm to keep me beside him- like he thinks I’d actually leave them.

“Never, and that’s not something you need to worry about, okay?” I tell them firmly. “Don’t ever think that.”

They give me a soft little smile each and apparently have no more questions due to the state of their consciousness. I'm somewhat glad, because talking about their mom isn't exactly a walk in the park for me. All that they need to know at this age is that they never have to worry about me leaving them like she did. There isn't a bone in my body that wants to part with either of them- to be honest I don't think it's humanly possible- they're two incredibly huge parts of me that I don't see myself ever living without.

“Alright, get some sleep. We have a plane to catch tomorrow.” I murmur, kissing them both before
laying down with my arm draped over their tiny sleeping forms. "Night bubs."

“Night dada, I love wuu.”

“Nighhhdaaalaarrvvyouuu.”

Larrvv you too.