Parts of Me

“Happy birthday dear Phoenix and Mesa! Happy birthday to you!”

“Hip hip, hooray!”

I give Mesa a kiss as he sits on my hip, before leaning over and giving Phoenix a high-five who is currently in my mother’s arms.

“Blow out your candles boys!” She beams, leaning down so Phoenix could do so. I follow and let Mesa blow out his candles on his cake. They may love sharing a birthday, but that doesn’t go for sharing a cake. I blame ma, she’s the one that put the idea into their heads.

The room erupts with a round of cheers.

“Daddy we are four now!” Mesa gasps with excitement, throwing his arms around my neck tightly.

“You are!” I chuckle, rubbing his back. “You’re big boys now.”

“I want cake now please.” Phoenix grins, clapping his hands together.

“I second that!” Eric announces, taking Phoenix from ma as she begins to cut the cakes.

“See, imagine having two of him,” I tell Eric’s girlfriend, Leah. “That’s what it’s like raising these two.”

“I’m starting to realise that,” Leah nods with a laugh.

“Eight months too late, my darling.” Eric smirks, wrapping his free arm around Leah’s waist and kissing her cheek. They’ve been dating strongly ever since Eric told us about her on tour. He’s moved home and after four months together he moved in with her- it seems fast but it felt right to them and that’s all that really matters, I guess. They make each other happy and she’s a great girl. I’m happy for my best friend, he’s been so reliable and helpful with the boys, and I know he’s given a lot up for them when they were really young because he didn’t want to leave me with all the work (even though they’re my kids). He deserves a girl like Leah to make him happy; they’re perfect for each other.

“Daddy I want to sit on the floor,” Mesa states as he begins to wriggle out of my grip. They usually do this when they don’t want to be held anymore- which is becoming more often than not.

I set Mesa down and he runs off with Phoenix, leaving Eric free to make out with Leah. I take that as my cue to leave, making my way around the backyard to thank people for coming and spoiling my kids with presents they didn’t need. I mean, give them a piece of paper and a pencil and they’re good to go.

“There’s uncle John!”

I look up and can’t help but smile as Ashley approaches me with Mia, her and Tim’s little girl. She’s only a couple months off being a year, but like the boys she was a few weeks premature and still tiny. I don’t know what it is about Kirch babies being so good looking, but this little girl was a stunner.

“Hey darlin’,” I coo, as Ashley hands her to me. “Thanks for coming Ash.”

“You know we wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Ashley smiles, rubbing my arm. “They’re my god babies, after all.”

“I think Tessa’s going to get jealous that you have your own kid yet you’re still hogging what’s legally one of her godsons.” I chuckle, rocking Mia back and fourth slowly. Ashley (like Halvo) had been a godsend in the early days with Phoenix and Mesa, and she still is. But she took both newborns on within their first week; she was the first person to change their diapers and bathe them, she was basically their first mom. Ashley really is a great mom and a domestic goddess, I don’t know how Tim got so lucky- I can’t help but hope I can find a girl as genuine as she is someday.

“Oh please, I’m not hogging- just sharing the love around.” Ashley laughs.

“That was a good plan wasn’t it?” I ask Mia in a baby voice. “Hmm? Otherwise you wouldn’t be here.”

“John,” Ashley laughs, smacking my shoulder. “Really, how are you feeling about your little boys turning into little men?”

Handing Mia back to her mom, I rub the back of my neck as I think about the idea. “I’m a little sentimental,” I chuckle, “this morning I tried to spoon feed Mesa his cereal, but he wasn’t having any of it- and you know Phoenix can brush his teeth without me now? Do you know how much that sucks for me? Soon enough they’re not going to need me.” I scoff, crossing my arms over my chest; I was not ready for that day to come. It’s crazy to think how much has changed over the past couple of years and how I was dreading ever going home to them, now I can’t imagine a life without them. These little brats are my world and they always will be.

“They’re always going to need their dad, John,” Ash pouts, “just you wait. Whether those boys are going after their dreams or even girls, they’re going to need you.” She lingers, sending me a ‘you know I’m right’ look.

I sigh, knowing there is more to come. There always is with Ash. “But?”

“But this is why you need to go out and meet somebody nice. It’s about time you did something for yourself, John. Obviously these boys are the most important people in your life, and that’s not going to change, and I know that they make you undoubtedly happy, but I know you- I have since high school. You need somebody to fall asleep next to, somebody to have real adult conversation with after the boys go to bed. You need what Emily took away from you.”

I’m a little stunned by how Ashley has found the time to observe me so accurately. I’ve never thought about it like that, and while she’s right that my boys are the most important people in my life, meeting someone new is somewhat appealing. Over the past couple of months I’ve come to realise that maybe I’m happy with the way my life is, and maybe I’m ready to finally move on or at least just start dating casually.

“I’ve never really prepared myself to start dating again, I didn’t think I’d have to after Emily.” I admit, rubbing the back of neck.

“I know, of course you didn’t,” Ashley nods understandingly. “But this is your chance. Take a little while to get used to the idea; I’m not saying you have to move in after four months.” She teases, throwing a smirk Eric’s way. “But I believe you need a girl in your life, O’Callaghan. You deserve that kind of love.”
Ashley’s words stick with me for the rest of the day as I celebrate Mesa and Phoenix’s fourth birthday with close friends and family. It would be nice to be doing this with somebody by my side, after doing it on my own for so long.

The day carries on with lots of laughs and good times with the best people. Mesa and Phoenix really enjoy themselves and that’s all I could ask for. Eventually though, day turns into night and everyone heads off. It’s eight o’clock by the time I have two sleeping four year olds strapped into the backseat of my Jeep.

“Thanks for everything today, I really appreciate it.” I tell my parents, giving them both hugs. “I’m shit at this kind of thing.”

“Well you’re a wonderful father so not knowing how to throw a birthday party isn’t exactly a sin,” my mother chuckles, making sure to squeeze me tight like she does with the boys. “Well done, sweets. We’re really proud of how far you’ve come with the boys.”

I rub the back of my neck, wincing. “I can’t believe it’s been four years.”

“Four great years, kid. Don’t you forget it.” My old man nods firmly. He’s never really shown any sort of emotion towards Emily after she left, which has been good for me, I guess. It stops me from becoming too consumed with the ‘why’ and focusing more on the ‘now’. Without the answers I want, it’s easy to become lost in my mind with what could possibly have gone wrong. It’s definitely not hard to do so after I’ve had a couple of beers in me.

“It has been.” I nod in agreement. “Thanks again for everything, and the presents, the boys really didn’t need everything they got today.”

“Oh of course we’re going to spoil our only grandchildren!” Ma insists, rubbing my arm. “Oh sweets, we do have something for you, though.” She sighs, pulling an envelope from her jacet pocket. “It’s from Emily.”

My eyes widen at my name written on the front of the envelope. I couldn’t forget that handwriting if I tried. “I-I…h-how?” I frown, taking it from her. “What?”

“It arrived his morning in the mail, she’d sent it to our address. We didn’t want it to be on your mind all day and ruin the day. I don’t know what she’s written, but it’s up to you if you want to open it.”
I nod slowly and tuck it into my back pocket and it weighs a ton. I know the second I get home and put the boys to bed, I’ll be opening this letter and reading between every single word she’s written. This is my chance to really understand why she did what she did.

Needless to say, the drive home was a quick one. I say goodbye to my parents before rushing to get home. One by one, I get the boys inside, changed into their pajamas and in bed. It’s a hurried process, because the letter in my back pocket is like a ball and chain to my ankle.

Grabbing a beer from the fridge, I make my way to my bedroom, nothing but my beverage and the letter in hand. I can’t believe she’d taken the time to actually write to me. The anger fuels up inside of me as I go over the possible excuses it’s taken her four years to come up with for me. What if she wants to meet them? What if she wants custody? What if she wants to take them from me?

No, she’s not that cruel.
Is she? I wouldn’t really know anymore.

I look at the letter a few times as I settle down onto my bed, taking deep sips of my beer; deep enough to pull me into a comfortable buzz as I tackle the demon in front of me; I just need answers.

Dear John,

Oh god. Here we go.

Words cannot even begin to describe how sorry I am about what I did to you. I know you probably hate me and think I am the worst person in the world, and I don’t blame you. In fact, I agree.
I know it’s the boys’ fourth birthday today, and I wish I could be there with you, celebrating like we were supposed to be, but I’m not and I’m so incredibly sorry. It’s hard to explain why I left and I don’t blame you for not understanding, but I wasn’t ready to be a mother. Those last couple of weeks I was trying to build myself up to it, but I couldn’t ignore those feelings. I didn’t want to destroy their lives by being a terrible mother to them.

I’m sure you’re doing a great job, and hopefully one day you’ll be able to forgive me. I’ve included my phone number in case of an emergency, but for now, I don’t think I can come into their lives, I’m working on myself and trying to get through some stuff.
Just know that I didn’t leave because I didn’t love you, I always will.

Emily.

Well, fuck.

***

The following morning I wake up to a tiny pair of hands tugging on my arm, quite forcefully, might I add. I stir in my alcohol-induced slumber, pulling away from whatever it is that’s pulling me.
And then comes along another, harder tug. Next thing I know, I’m off the edge of my bed and on the floor, two little bodies giggling and jumping on top of me. Not a great way to wake up when you’ve been sleeping in spilt beer all night.

“Boys,” I groan, rolling onto my back. “Get off!”

I open my eyes and wince at the sudden light. Phoenix is staring back at me with dried drool on his cheek while Mesa sits to my side, hair an absolute mess. Alright, it’s not the worst view to wake up to.

“Come here,” I sigh, pulling them both into me. They erupt into another fit of giggles and it brings a smile to my face. “How are my big four year olds, huh?”

“Good!” Mesa squeals, leaving kisses all over my face. “We sleeped good daddy!”

It’s too early to correct him so I leave him be, embracing the morning cuddles.

I’m okay with the letter, save for a little bit of anger. I don’t full understand and I’m mostly pissed off that she thinks she was the only one that wasn’t ‘ready’ to do this. Did she think leaving was a good idea? Did she think me of all people would be able to deal with this? I still think she’s a selfish bitch, but she doesn’t want to be in their lives and I have to accept that. It’s just the three of us and that’s our family; we need to move on and be one without me still wondering if she’s ever going to come back.
These boys are my responsibility; they’re my people. They’re two huge parts of me and I need to remember that.

As long as I did, we were going to be just fine.