Your Fault

I was jolted awake by my phone ringing. The darkness of the room told me it was still the middle of the night. I glanced at my clock and saw it was only 2a.m. I looked at my ringing phone and saw my best friend, Joey, was calling me. I sighed and swiped across the screen to answer the call. My heart lurched when I heard sobbing before I even brought my phone to my ear. And then all I could hear was Joey crying. My heart pounded and I leapt out of bed, needing to do something. “Joey?” I asked, giving up on waiting for a break in his sobbing. “Joe, calm down, whats going on?” Joey just kept crying. I ran my fingers through my hair, turning my bedroom light on as I paced around. “Joe, talk to me, what’s wrong?”

“Gavin,” he cried and I paused in my pacing.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“I can’t,” he said, sucking in a breath which set him off crying again.

“Joey, please, calm down, where are you?” I asked, pulling on a pair of sweat pants.

“I don’t know,” he cried. “I don’t-“ He started crying again and I frowned, my heart pounding.

“Who are you with?” I asked and he started sobbing harder. “Joey, where are you?”

“I’m…outside his flat,” he cried. “I didn’t want it to happen.” He started crying more and I couldn’t understand what he was saying. “…drunk…dancing…his hands…couldn’t stop him…” He descended into my crying and it dawned on me what he was saying.

“Joey, what did he do?” I asked. I had no idea that Joey was gay but this wasn’t the time to dwell on it.

“This is your fault,” Joey cried and I froze. What?

“Me?” I asked.

“You…you confuse me,” he cried. “I don’t know what…I’m so confused. I’ve never…He told me he’d help me figure it out. It hurt and I…I’m still confused.” He started sobbing again and I let out a breath.

“Where are you? Tell me right now, I’m coming to get you,” I said. We went to different universities and I lived about an hour away from him but at that time of night, and in my urgency to get to him, I knew I’d do it in half an hour max.

“No, I don’t need you,” he said.

“Joe, you phoned me, you need my help,” I said.

“No, you make everything worse,” he said and I was stunned into silence. “I just want to sleep.”

“I can take you home,” I said gently, ignoring the throbbing of my heart. “Just tell me where you are.”

“I’m walking,” he said. “You won't be able to find me.”

“Joey, stop messing around,” I said angrily. He was still drunk and mix that with emotional and he was just a wreck.

“I know where I am,” he said and I shook my head.

“You just told me you didn’t,” I said.

“I’m at the top of the hill,” he said and I sighed. He could be talking about any hill.

“Joey,” I whispered.

“I’m okay,” he said quickly. “I’m okay. I’m okay.” He kept repeating it and I got the feeling he was trying to convince himself more than me. I pulled my shoes on and found my keys.

“I’m coming over there,” I told him.

“No,” he said quickly and I hesitated. “I don’t want you around. I need…I…I don’t know what to do, Gavin. You…I can't…” He started crying again and my heart broke slightly.

“Joey, calm down,” I said gently. “I won't come, okay?” I was lying but he didn’t need to know that. It helped him calm down, though. “Can you get home?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said shakily. “I can get a bus.”

“Can you get a taxi?” I asked, not wanting him to be on a bus with a load of strangers.

“I don’t have any money,” he said and I sighed. “I need to find my bus pass.” I heard him shuffling about as he searched his pockets and I grabbed my jacket, wallet and keys and left my room, locking it behind me. “I can’t find it, Gav,” he moaned. “I’m just gonna sit here.”

“Joe, you can't sit on the side of the road all night,” I said as I walked down to my car. “You’ll freeze.”

“I can't get anywhere,” he said. “I’m fine here.”

“Jesus, Joe,” I muttered. “I’m not letting you off the phone until I know you’re back safe.” I put my phone on the hands free attachment and switched it to speaker.

“I’m fine,” Joey said again. “How long have we been on the phone? Did I phone you?” I sighed and started my car and quickly backed out of my space.

“Yes, you phoned me about 15 minutes ago,” I said, glancing at the clock which read 2.17. At least I knew the roads would be pretty much empty.

“I don’t remember,” he mumbled. “What’s that noise?” I cursed to myself; I hadn’t realised he was aware enough to notice the noise of my car.

“Nothing,” I said as I drove out of campus.

“Is that your car?” he asked. “What are you…are you coming here?”

“Yes,” I said, no point lying anymore.

“No, no,” he said quickly. He was quiet for a moment and then he sighed. “I’m walking now, I will be home soon.”

“I don’t care, Joey, I’m never going to get back to sleep now,” I said, heading for the motorway.

“I don’t remember phoning you,” he said. “Did you phone me?”

“No,” I said softly. “You phoned me. Do you know where you are?”

“Yeah, I’m on the hill,” he said and I sighed.

“Can you get home?” I asked him, going round in circles.

“Yeah, you don’t need to come,” he said and I smiled weakly.

“Okay,” I said even though I had no intention of turning around. “I’m still not letting you off the phone until I know you’re home.”

“Gavin,” he whined and I smiled softly. At least he wasn’t crying anymore.

The next 10 minutes or so were silent but I could hear Joey’s breathing. He didn’t question why he could still hear the sound of my car. Or maybe he couldn’t hear it while he was walking. “I’m halfway,” he said at some point and I smiled as I thought, so am I.

He didn’t say anything more for the next 15 minutes or so until I heard keys jingling. “I’m home,” he said and I heard a door closing. I still had about 10 minutes until I got to his house.

“Good,” I said.

“Sorry I called you,” he said weakly and I sighed softly.

“It’s okay, Joey,” I whispered.

“I’m gonna go to bed now,” he said and I nodded.

“Okay, I’ll speak to you soon, okay?” I said.

“Yeah,” he whispered. There was a silence and then he sighed and the call ended. I put my foot down and edged towards 90 miles an hour for the rest of the journey on the motorway.

When I finally got to his house, I pulled up in front and tried the front door. It was open and I sighed in relief while shaking my head at Joey’s mistake. I closed the door silently behind me, hoping none of Joey’s house mates were awake to find me. I snuck up the stairs after locking the door behind me and into Joey’s room. He was curled in a ball on his bed and judging by his shaking and breathing, I knew he was still awake. I closed the door behind myself silently and I took a moment to look down at him. I never let myself look at him like this when he could see me. Only in those rare moments when he was asleep or just not paying attention did I allow myself to look at him and acknowledge my feelings.

I crept forward and sat on the bed beside him. “Joey?” I whispered and he rolled onto his back, looking up at me with pure confusion, blinking a few times. I could smell the alcohol coming off his body.

“Gavin?” he whispered. He shook his head and my heart stuttered. “I told you not to come,” he whimpered, rolling back over so he couldn’t see me. “It’s worse when you’re here.”

“What’s worse?” I asked, reaching out to run my fingers through his damp hair. It wasn’t raining so I guessed it was damp from sweat.

“Everything,” he whispered and I flinched, glad he couldn’t see me.

“Talk to me,” I whispered. “We’re best friends, right? You can tell me anything.”

“Not this,” he whispered and I frowned.

“What happened tonight?” I asked and Joey tensed and started shaking his head. “Okay, you don’t have to tell me,” I said quickly, sensing he was going to break down again at any moment. “Try and get some sleep.”

“Are you staying?” he whispered, his voice muffled in his pillow.

“Yeah,” I whispered. Joey sighed but he didn’t say anything and a moment later I heard his breathing even out and I knew he was asleep. I sighed in relief and looked around his dark room. I’d only been there 2 times since he’d moved in a couple months ago. It was small with a twin bed, a wardrobe and a desk all squeezed into the space that was probably designed just to be a home office.

I kicked off my shoes and pulled my jacket and hoodie off. I was still in my pyjama pants and t-shirt so I just slipped onto the bed next to Joey. After a moment with no reaction from him, I nudged him behind him and wrapped my arm around his waist. Everything suddenly felt better now that I had him in my arms. I closed my eyes and quickly fell asleep.

I woke up slightly cold with the morning sun shining through the window. I sighed and got out of the bed to pull the curtains closed. “Gavin?” Joey asked and I turned to look back at him as he blinked in confusion and sat up. He looked down at his clothes – he hadn’t undressed from the night before – and his face went deathly pale. He looked back up at me and then quickly away. “I think I’m gonna throw up.” I moved super quickly and found the plastic bin next to his desk and passed it to him just in time for him to be sick. I sat on the bed beside him and rested a hand on his back, rubbing gently. Soon he was just dry heaving and then he fell back against the pillows. I took the bin from him and quickly went and put it outside. Normally I’d just empty it into the toilet but there was actual rubbish in there that wouldn’t just flush away. I’d deal with it later. I went back up to Joey’s room, taking a glass of water with me. I handed him the glass when I got back to his room and he sighed and took a few sips.

Sitting next to him, I ran my hand up and down his back comfortingly a few times. He set the glass on his side table and then sighed. “Joey,” I whispered and he anxiously raised his eyes to meet mine. “What happened last night?”

“What did I tell you already?” he asked and I frowned.

“Something happened with…a guy,” I said and Joey grimaced. “You said it was my fault.”

“Sorry,” he whispered. “God, I shouldn’t have phoned you. I didn’t want you to find out. I just…I wasn’t thinking straight last night.”

“Joe, are you gay?” I asked, ignoring his attempts to dismiss what had happened. He closed his eyes for a moment and then looked up at me.

“I…I don’t know,” he whispered, eyes filling with tears. I quickly shifted so I was stting next to him and took him into a tight hug. He rested his head on my shoulder but otherwise didn’t reciprocate.

“Talk to me,” I whispered. “Please.” There was a long silence and I was about to accept that Joey wasn’t going to talk when he took a deep breath.

“That guy…he told me he’d help me figure it out,” he whispered, starting to shake. I held him tighter.

“How?” I whispered, dreading the answer.

“We…we went back to his flat,” he whispered and I squeezed my eyes tight, not sure I wanted to hear this but knowing I had to. I held him tight, wanting to protect him against his memories because I’d failed at protecting him from everything else. “He kissed me.” That made me angrier than anything. Kissing was intimate. Kissing was special. Kissing should just be between people who actually cared about one another. “And he…touched me. And he put my hand on him.” Shivers ran down my spine. “I told him I didn’t want to, that I’d changed my mind. And he got angry. Said I was a tease.” I clenched the hand that was behind him and he couldn’t see. “But I never said I’d do anything, Gavin. He just…I’d had too much to drink and he seemed nice and I wanted to…I wanted someone to help me with…what I was feeling, you know?”

“Yeah,” I whispered.

“He held my nose until I had to breathe through my mouth,” he whispered, tears trickling down his cheeks and onto my shirt. “I didn’t really…I didn’t know what I was doing and he was getting angry and he just…” He waved his hand weakly and then let it fall to my lap again. “I ran after he, um, you know.”

“You should go to the police,” I whispered and Joey quickly shook his head.

“I can't remember anything, Gav,” he whispered. “I don’t remember his name or where he lives or how I got home. I just want to forget it happened.” I pursed my lips but let it go.

“And…why was this my fault?” I whispered and Joey inhaled shakily and shook his head.

“I can’t,” he whispered. “Don’t make me say it.”

“Joe, you know we’ll always be best friends,” I said. “Nothing you say would change that.”

“Yes it would,” he whispered, trying to pull out of my arms but I wouldn’t let him.

“Please,” I whispered. “I can't make things better if you don’t tell me.”

“You can't fix this,” he whispered and I frowned.

“Are you worried that I won't want to be your friend if you’re gay?” I asked and he sighed.

“Partly,” he whispered. “But I know you’re not homophobic.”

“So what is it?” I asked almost desperately.

“You confuse me,” he said suddenly and I frowned in confusion.

“How?”

“The way I feel about you…I don’t understand it,” he whispered and I was stunned into silence. “Please don’t hate me.” That snapped me out of my shock and I tightened my arms around him again.

“I could never hate you,” I whispered, resting my head on top of his. “Do you have any idea how terrified I was when you phoned me and were just crying? I think my heart stopped for a minute.” Joey laughed softly and I scoffed. “It’s not funny, Joe. I was seriously worried. I didn’t know what was going on. I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you.”

“Really?” he whispered, lifting his head and meet my gaze.

“Yeah,” I whispered. “I, uh, I didn’t tell you ‘cause I didn’t…I thought you were straight.”

“I don’t really know what I am,” he whispered. “I just…I just know how I feel about you.” I met his gaze, the air becoming electric around us.

“Joe,” I whispered. “I want to kiss you.” Joey’s cheeks went slightly pink. “But you’ve just thrown up…” Joey’s eyes widened and he slid back from me, covering his mouth with his hand. I smiled softly and leant in and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Go brush your teeth, okay? I won't go anywhere.” Joey looked at me for a moment and then smiled softly and nodded, getting out of bed and quickly leaving the room.

I sat back against Joey’s pillows and sighed as I let the conversation catch up with me. Some arsehole had taken advantage of Joey and essentially raped him. And it had happened because Joey was confused about his feelings for me. I knew I should be ecstatic, and part of me was, that Joey actually returned my feelings after all these years of me pining away and keeping my feelings hidden. But another part was angry and upset. How could anyone take advantage of someone as pure as Joey?

The door opened again a few minutes later and Joey smiled at me shyly. I smiled back and held my hand out to him. “Come here,” I whispered. Joey closed the door behind himself and touched his fingers to mine. I held on tight.

“Are you freaked out?” he asked and I laughed softly.

“Of course not,” I said. Of all the things I was feeling, freaked out was not one of them. I tugged him into me and he fell onto my lap with a gasp. I stroked his cheek gently and smiled at him. “I’ve been in love with you for nearly as long as I can remember,” I whispered almost before I thought it through. But Joey had trusted me with something pretty huge and it was only fair that I did the same. “I can remember the day, actually. We were 12 and you crashed your bike. And I opened my arms to give you a hug and you just…ran into my arms and cried. In that moment I just…I knew I wanted to protect you for forever. I guess I didn’t realise what that meant until a year or two later. But that was the moment that I remember everything changed. And then you started talking about girls and I knew that I’d just have to…keep quiet. And just be your friend. Because that was better than not having you at all.” Joey was quiet for a moment and he smiled softly.

“You should have told me,” he whispered. “Maybe I would have figured this out sooner if you’d given me a little push.” I smiled softly and shook my head.

“I was terrified I’d just push you away,” I said and Joey nodded slowly.

“I know now though,” he said and I bit my lip. “I’m in love with you, too. I can’t pinpoint the exact day but…a couple of weeks ago, Jake asked me if you were single. And it really pissed me off.” I smiled softly, not bothering to tell him that even if his house mate had asked me out, I wouldn’t have said yes. “I didn’t really understand why and I started thinking about it and I realised that I don’t want you with anyone else. I want you with me. And then it just hit me. Like a ton of bricks. I don’t want you with me just as a friend. I want you with me like…like so much more than a friend. I realised that you’ve never actually had a…anything before. A girlfriend or a boyfriend and I realised just how much I was dreading the day that you’d find someone and they’d become the most important person to you. Because I like being that person.”

“You always will be,” I whispered, leaning forward to catch his lips between mine, vaguely tasting fresh mint. Finally, finally, kissing Joey was everything I’d ever dreamt and more. His lips were soft and plump and slotted perfectly against mine. Tingles ran from my lips through my body. I knew I’d never get tired of doing this. I’d do it every day if he let me.

I broke the kiss after about 30 seconds and opened my eyes to gage Joey’s reaction. His eyes were still shut but he’d parted his lips and was breathing deeply.

“I went on google,” he whispered and I frowned curiously. “Because I’m not like, attracted to other guys. And I found a description that fit my feelings.” He opened his eyes and met mine and smiled softly. “I’m gay for you. Only you.” I smiled and leant forward to enjoy another kiss. And I knew this was the start of something pretty damn great.