You're My Mission

I had been tossing and turning, drifting in and out of an agitated sleep, for the first half of the night until I couldn’t take it anymore. Deciding I was better off being awake, or at least trying to figure out what my problem was, I slid out of bed and went to the bathroom. After ensuring that my bladder wasn’t the reason I couldn’t sleep, I sauntered to the kitchen and looked in the fridge. I poured myself a glass of chilled water and then lifted a slice of Sam’s homemade pizza, pleased that he had made extras for leftovers.

While downing my snack, I rubbed my eyes and temples, then moved down to massage my shoulders, trying to rid myself of any stress that might be lingering and preventing me from getting a decent night’s sleep. I wondered if I could blame Bucky. I hadn’t exactly liked seeing him revert to being a soldier, especially after I had spent so much time with him in calmer situations and watched as he made progress towards recovery. He had developed into a new, better person, but now I was concerned that our missions were going to undo the changes.

With a sigh I mentally told myself to not worry about it. Time would show me how Bucky was going to react, and I would deal with any challenges as they came. I pushed myself off the stool and crept back down the hallway, trying to not wake anyone. Halfway to my room I realised that I wasn’t the only one awake. The occasional muffled noise reached my ears and the more I heard, the more it sunk in that the man was having some sort of trouble. I narrowed it down to Bucky’s room and decided to take a risk and push his door open, for the first time thankful that Tony hadn’t provided locks due to what he claimed was security reasons.

Bucky was lying in his bed on his back, his metal forearm resting across his forehead while the other hand clutched the sheet that was halfway down his naked torso. His face was creased from the torment he was experiencing and I felt an urge to relieve him of the pain. I reached out and placed my hand on Bucky’s flesh arm to gently alert him of my presence.

“No! I’m not-” Bucky growled as he jolted upright. His metal arm flew forwards and gripped my throat, squeezing for only a split second before he released me. It all happened so fast that I didn’t even have the opportunity to react. “J- Jennifer! I’m so sorry!” Bucky’s wide eyes were blue pools of horror and I immediately understood that he hadn’t meant to attack me.

“It’s okay, I’m sorry for startling you,” I said while he shifted across to the other side of the bed, clearly trying to put some distance between us. To prove to him that I wasn’t discouraged, I took a seat where he used to be and watched on as he stared at his bionic arm in awe. My eyes flicked over the scars that joined his flesh to metal, and I wondered if he had been having a nightmare about losing his limb. “You can talk to me.” Bucky tensed.

“Jennifer, I didn’t mean to-”

“I know,” I interrupted, not interested in hearing, nor needing to hear, an apology. “I was meaning that you can tell me about your nightmare. It might help you cope with it if you get it off your chest.”

While Bucky thought over whether or not he wanted to share his dream with me, I watched as he slowly ran a hand across the metal panels that made up his robotic arm. Occasionally I got distracted and started admiring the way his muscles flexed, but then I realised that his foreign arm was probably part of the cause of his sorrow. I reached out and pried his flesh hand away, looping his fingers with mine and resting our hands in the space between us.

“I think seeing that machine the other day, the one that freezes people…” Bucky began but quickly came to a stop. I gave his hand a squeeze to hopefully motivate him to continue and he shakily exhaled. “I think it triggered memories, of when I went through all that… And now I can’t stop seeing ice covering me, and my arm missing, and this- this chair-” Bucky started choking on emotion and I frowned.

“A chair?” I gently pressed, curious to know how much he recalled of an event I had witnessed only once.

“For when- when they brainwashed me… I can remember it now and I’m reliving it in my sleep and it’s awful,” Bucky explained before groaning and running his metal hand across his face. He then pulled it away and stared at his fingers for a few seconds before setting his arm down next to him. “It’s comparable to when they were cutting the rest of my arm off, Jennifer… Except the pain pulses everywhere in my body, deeply, and my head feels like it’s going to explode… And there’s nothing I can do about it, I’m so helpless.”

“I’m so sorry, Bucky… I wish I could say that I understood and tell you something that would help you feel better, but I really have no idea,” I said, then sighed as it sunk in that I wasn’t helping comfort him at all. “But I will be here for you whenever you need me, okay? I can stay with you until you fall back asleep again, I can hug you whenever you need some support, and I can help you break into these Hydra bases so we can deal out some sort of punishment for what they did to you. How does that sound?” Bucky glanced over to me with a confused expression.

“But… I don’t want to drag you into this. I’ve been trying to deal with it on my own and not make you share my pain, or Steve for that matter,” he reasoned. My face fell, wondering how long he had been tolerating these sorts of nightmares for. “Why would you want to put yourself through that?”

“Because I’m with you. We’re in this together,” I replied. It appeared to be a sufficient reason for Bucky, and he opened up and whispered what he could recollect about being brainwashed. Seeing him become vulnerable again was a nice change of pace, and as the minutes passed I felt more connected to him.

Bucky eventually lied back down in his bed, closed his eyes, and began to drift off while telling me stories from his childhood with Steve. A hearty yawn signalled to me that it was time to leave, so I bent down and placed a soft kiss on his cheek. I grinned when I pulled away and saw a peaceful smile crawl onto his lips.

“I promise you won’t ever get brainwashed again, Bucky. I’ll protect you,” I vowed. Bucky mumbled something under his breath but I didn’t catch it. Instead of questioning him, I crept out of his room and went to my own cold bed to sleep.