You're Kind of Gangster

I pull myself out of bed, flinging the covers off in some direction much less important to me than my pounding head. I groan as I stand, pushing my hair out of my face. I squint when I glance out my window- I must have forgotten to close the shades last night before I went to bed.

I'm about to go looking for clothes when I realize that my window is supposed to be on the left side of my bed, not the right. I rub my eyes to wake myself up more, and notice that this room is nothing like mine at home. It's designed for a girl. The panic starts when I think that maybe it's Shai's room and Beau or Lynch could walk right in. I'd be dead if one of them found me in here like this.

I dare myself to look over at the sleeping body on the other side of the bed and see platinum blonde hair sticking out from under the covers, too light to be Shai's. I let myself breathe when the threat of death isn't as imminent as I thought before. The girl starts moving around and I see her breathing change, and I frantically search for my clothes. Any other thoughts of anything but getting out of here are gone as I try to get all my clothes on before the girl can completely wake up.

I'm almost to the bedroom door when I hear the bed shift. "Where are you going?" I hear the girl say, still probably half asleep. "You're not going to just run out on me are you, Ean-cakes?"

I grimace as her tone becomes sickeningly sweet. Last night is a complete fog, and her name seems to have gotten lost in the haze. "I have school, babe," I play it cool.

She scoffs. "School?" She starts laughing. "You told me you're twenty- you don't have to go to school." I hesitate, trying to remember all the lies I probably told her last night. "Unless you were lying to me?"

"I'm a college man, baby. Saturday lecture." I counter, slipping out of the bedroom. She follows with the bed sheet wrapped around her. "But I'll call you."

"But you don't have my number-" I shut the front door in her face, sighing in relief. I push at my hair to try to make myself look as normal as possible. I go down the hall of the apartment building and take the stairs in an effort to wake myself up all the way. The migraine causing my head to pound is the least of my worries right now, I've definitely gone through worse.

I race down to my car and slam the door shut behind me, locking myself in. I take a deep breath and look at myself in the rearview mirror. Then, something occurs to me: Shai. "Oh my God. Dammit! I'm fucking dead!" I slam my hands against the steering wheel.

If Beau or Sam doesn't find out and come for me, Shai has all of the ability in the world if she finds out. Matt will have my head if he hears about any of this, and the girls probably couldn't stop him. I have a target on my back that no one knows about but me, is how it seems, and so long as no one finds out, I'm in the clear. I go to get my phone out of my pocket, then find Max's number in my contacts, the anger at the gaps in my memory setting in to replace the guilt. He picks up on the second ring, sounding completely relaxed. He even yawns through his hello.

"Max, what the fuck happened last night?" I question, yanking on my seatbelt then backing out of the space in the parking lot of the apartment complex. He laughs. "What the hell does that mean, douche bag?"

“Name calling won’t bring your memory back, Ean,” he says, talking down to me now.

I vaguely remember going to see Will and Max at the wharf to try to get out of the bet, then the next thing I can remember is waking up this morning.

"Good luck," Spencer calls in the background before Max hangs up on me. As I pull up to a red light, I drop my head against the steering wheel, trying to remember anything I can from last night. I must have had sex with that girl. And I don't need the memory of that right now. I have enough guilt consuming the back of my mind.

But sober me would never do that to Shai, I couldn't make myself do that. I can barely stomach the idea of her finding out. Everything I had managed to build with her is totally shattered now that I've broken her delicate trust of me.

I still can't piece together any solid memories of last night, only just before I sat down with the guys and then my memory skips everything in the middle and goes to when I woke up.

I'm about to lock my phone, but I notice I have a call to Shai last night after midnight in my call log, and a dozen frantic texts from her this morning. "Fuck." I was probably hammered by midnight, and I'm a giggly, obnoxious drunk, so she has to know I was with the guys last night. She probably panicked at something idiotic I said and ran to Beau. She has to think now that I relapsed and went back to the group. But nobody got busted so she has to care enough to not call Sam and tell him. That gives me hope that maybe she believes that I really have changed enough that she can trust me to not be a fucking moron. But I guess I screwed that up too.

I almost swerve off the road, too distracted with my thoughts. I try to focus on the road, and I know that I can't go to school for a while. I need to give Shai a chance to think this through for herself and let her make her own decisions about what to do with me. I'm only worried that her opinion can be swayed so easily by Matt, or anyone else she feels she can trust.

That's when I realize- I can't let her go, I'm too invested in us to let that happen now. Maybe I actually care about her to the point that I can't think of having to go through all this shit without her steadiness in my life.