You're Kind of Gangster

“Shai. Shai, we need to talk. None of this is as bad as you think it is.” I say as I walk up to face her. She stares right at me and I know she can hear me, but I can tell she isn’t listening. “I know I fucked up and I know how mad you are, but none of us was because of that dumbass bet.” Her glare worsens. “Okay, yeah, meeting you kind of is.” When her scowl deepens still, I crack. “Fine! There’s a lot of stuff that I only did because of the bet, but changing like that, the kiss, actually wanting to learn, could I fake all of that?” Shai doesn’t even blink. “Shai, please, talk to me. Say anything. Call me a fucking asshole, I don’t care, just say something to me.”

She calmly breaks her stare, rolls her headphones up, and tucks them in her pocket. “Have fun with Will and Max.”

“I can’t,” I call as she starts to walk away from me.

“Nothing stopped you last Friday, what’s stopping you now, Ean?” she shouts behind her, not stopping.

“I’m not a member of the group. People who aren’t members of the group aren’t allowed.” That gets her to stop walking, though she keeps her back to me.

“What are you talking about? Will and Max said you were in the group. You had sex with that girl.” She turns around to face me, though she’s made it probably twenty feet ahead of me.

“But I didn’t have sex with her.” She gives me a look that I can even see from here.

“Don’t start fucking around with me, Ean, I don’t-”

“I’m not. I didn’t have sex with that girl. I remember everything.”

“Why should I believe you?”

I don’t have a legitimate reason to give her, so I stay silent. Shai scoffs and is about to walk away when I decide I should just tell her and get the embarrassment over with now before I lose the last of my chances to get her back.

“Shai, wait!” I yell, jogging to catch up with her. I tug at her elbow when I catch up with her and she stops, turning around to look at me with her scowl that shrivels my self confidence. But the unfamiliar words flow right out. “I love you.”

She stutters for a second, before she’s mad again. “Don’t. Don’t go throwing that shit around however you like. It isn’t some magical cure-all phrase that will get me to forgive you. We’ve known each other for five months. We hated each other for, what, three of them? We kissed once and clearly that was a mistake on my part. Just leave me the fuck alone okay?”

-

The next day, I turn in Will, Max and Spencer. I got out with no charges on a deal to testify against the three of them in court, but Lynch definitely had a hand in removing any threat of criminal charges against me.

A month later, I’m finally called on as a witness for the prosecution in the guys’ case for violating their parole. Shai would probably never admit to it, but halfway through my testimony, I see her come into the courtroom and stand in the back with Lynch and some of the other cops, as well as Beau. It’s hard to keep my eyes off her so she won’t run off. We haven’t spoken since I told her I loved her, and I’m shocked Matt hasn’t gone for my throat at school yet.

She slips out of the room without me knowing right before I’m dismissed from the stand.
After the guilty verdict is handed down and the guys are taken away by the bailiffs, Beau comes up to me in my spot in the gallery. He claps me on my shoulder. “We really appreciate you testifying. You put the whole case together.”

I stare forward, thinking back to seeing Shai just an hour ago, for the first time in a month. “Yeah, no problem,” I mumble. Beau talks like I had any real choice in the matter. It was either testify and go free or stay loyal to the group and go down in flames with the rest of them.

“Anyway, can I talk to you about Shai?” I glance at him, still standing over me, and slide down the bench so he can sit too. He nods in gratuity as he sits down. “She came to me last month and told me what happened. You had some balls reaching out like that.”

“What exactly did she tell you?”

“Well I’m sure she left some stuff out because I’m her brother, but she started off with what you said about not actually having sex with that girl. Then she said the reason for that according to you was because you love her.”

I duck my head, remembering the guilt as she walked away after my confession.

“Listen, I didn’t come here to talk to you just to remind you of all these shitty memories. I came here because Shai said something to me that I figured you would want to know about. But she told me in confidence, so come on.”

“Where are we going?” I ask, blindly following him outside to the parking lot.

“To see Shai so she can tell you.”

-

Beau eventually got me to Shai’s house with my initial resistance. Though now, he practically has to drag me into the house.

It’s almost comical, especially when I think about where we were a year ago: in the same gang, believing that’s where we were meant to be, that was the role we were to play: badass and superstar.

“Shai!” Beau calls once we get inside the house. He directs me to the couch in the living room and a minute later, I hear footsteps coming down the stairs slowly, almost cautiously. “You two need to talk and quit avoiding each other.” With that, Beau makes Shai sit, then goes upstairs.

“Your brother-” I start.

Shai holds up a hand. “I know. I figured he would try to pull something like this when I heard you were testifying today.”

“The guys were convicted today.” She nods. It’s silent and the air is tense. “Shai...” She glances up from her hands. I lose my entire train of thought when she looks at me. “Uh..” Fuck it, I think. “I still love you.”

“I know,” she says, dropping her head again. “That’s part of the reason Beau brought you here.”
I pause, confused as to why Beau really brought me here to see her. “I don’t...?”

“It’s because I love you, too, you idiot.”