Found Missing

Five days - five days of distracted mind paths and restless sleep. Five days of over thought scenarios and confused senses. Five days before Gerard skulks into the coffee shop. I don't think I've ever been more relieved yet irritated to see black polished nails and smudged eyeliner in my life.

"Where the fuck have you been?" I find myself barking. We both blink at my pique and I have to wonder why or even if it had been necessary.

"About." He says, warily studying my next mood with dark eyes. "You told me to leave you alone, so that's what I did."
"You don't always have to do what I say." Suddenly the dusty corners of the coffee shop counter seem a whole lot more interesting.

"I know." I hear him speak with dry words. I don't want to see his expression because I'm afraid of what I might find, or feel, so I continue to scrape away the dust with my fingernail.

"Elfie, look at me."

I'm going to have to wash my hands.

"Elife! What the fuck do you want from me?"

I snap my head up to meet his stormy gaze. I'm taken aback by the way he's glaring at me; not in the way he used to with disinterest and a wrinkled nose. Now he's different and dense and I can't distinguish what it means.

"I don't know." I say quietly, wishing I did.

His features settle but his eyes never do. "I'm going to visit Martha." He tells me.
"But it's not Tuesday."
"So?"

I look back to the dust, again unable to provide him a valid answer.

"I think you should join me, when you get off. I'd like to talk to you." He holds his breath for a second, as if debating whether or not to spill the words that blurt from his mouth moments later. "I like talking to you, Elfie."

I have to bite my lip, hating the way my smile is threatening to curl. I have to stop myself from spilling how much I like talking to him too, so I settle with "I'll see you later, then."

*

The late winter drizzle is making my nose sting and my skin misty. Pulling my coat tight around my shoulders and my hood further over my head I search aimlessly through the twilight cemetery for someone who has more than likely disguised himself purposely in the darkness.

"I thought you'd be with Martha." I say when I find him sitting hopelessly on the dampened soil. "I was." He says, eyes glued on his outstretched Converse'. "I sat with her for a bit, it started to rain and I wasn't sure when you'd get here."
"You could have asked me to meet you somewhere else." I take a place next to him beneath the yew tree.
"I like it here, though." Gerard lights a cigarette and pulls his knees up to meet his chest. "It's peaceful, remember?" He glances at me through the blue shadows, smiling softly when I agree.

We sit in serene silence for what feels like forever, I'm surprised by how much I appreciate his quiescent company. I find myself toying with the frayed end of his shoelace, listening to the gentle patter of rain and breathing in the smell of his smoke.

"To be honest, I couldn't stand sitting with her. It doesn't feel right, it feels like sitting with a stranger." He finally says. "No one knows her anymore, no one cares. Soon she'll stop appearing on the back of milk cartons and until we find Vince she'll just be another lost girl." He states the words so simply and I feel sad for how they make sense when they shouldn't. I sigh, trying to neglect the jumble of missing puzzle pieces in my mind.
"My brain feels like it's been through a grinder. I need a smoke, you gonna' give me any of yours?"
"No."
I pick the cigarette from his lips anyway. "You can thank me later." I say, ignoring the bemused glare he's flung at me. "These things will kill you."
"Maybe that's the point."

The smoke dances back below the branches and I watch him through it; there isn't a hint of self-indulgence in his expression as he speaks. He even smiles at me, and as he does I'm reminded of downpours and tequila and succeeded attempts to save him, if only for one night.

His smile falters when he catches me staring. "What?"
I shake my head and pass the cigarette back to him. "Nothing, you just shouldn't talk like that."
"Like what?"
"Like about how you wish you were dead."
"I never said that." Gerard snaps, glaring at me just like he did in the coffee shop.
"It's what you were insinuating, though."
He says nothing after this, but even in the coal haze I can see him fighting for a retort. When he comes out with nothing we both know I'm right.

"Tell me something about you." He suddenly speaks. I frown, confused by his driftless demand.
"Why?"
"Well, you seem to have discovered a lot about me recently but I don't really know much about you at all." He explains with dry reasons, stubbing the cigarette out on the soil. "I want to know something no one else knows."
"You're digging a little too deep."
"I dunno', you must have something interesting to tell me. C'mon, excite me. I bet you can."

I contemplate it for a moment only to shake the idea off. "Not now, maybe another time." I almost laugh when he sticks out his lower lip. "It's for you own sake, Gerard, I don't want to scare you. Why don't you tell me something else about you?"
"I can't."
"Why?"
"Because maybe I don't want to scare you."
"What if I want to be scared?"
Gerard gives me another soft smile, eyes turning cloudy and I can tell I'm losing his desire to talk. "I can't have you running away from me, Elfie, but believe me, you will."

I don't press anymore questions after this.